Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Revelations are never easy....

Hey everyone,
 Man it's so hard to keep up! Ive been really really busy lately!! Going to school full time, going to the gym full time and raising a family is HARD!! Ive been thinking about this whole post a picture a thing and ive decided im going to do it. I still need to get a "now" pic.. and a s soon as i do that, up they go.. This revelation came to me this morning as i went to pee. I know TMI..

Yesterday was my daughters 17th birthday and i was unable to get her anything.. This sent on a mini binge, that included 2 cupcakes and bout of crying, My 12 yr old caught me and so trying to hide it, I went to my basement to hideout and cry. Well thats where i hide my scale from myself. I figured this day can't get any worse and even though i just ate, and its the end of the day,, why not. Well it said 239.8... I didn't believe it for a moment and got on 3 more times.. but there that number stayed. Still not sure i believed it and now that its morning, i don't have the courage to go and look again.. I told myself Monday...

However that whole experience brought me to a revelation this morning as i peed.. i know again with the TMI.. It occured to me that i did my first biggest loser challenge at the YMCA in the beginning of January 2009.. I weighed in at 334 pounds.. This is my second challenge,, I weighed in at 253 on September 3rd 2009... If im in the 230's,, i am almost 100 pounds gone in 10 months.. It doesn't feel or seem like it can be true but numbers don't lie.. Why does it feel like im going nowhere? Why do i still look in the mirror and see a sea of fat?? Man i got issues!! Im scared though,, looking at that number on the scale scared me inside because my head tells me,, thats not true,, its a dream..your going to wake up and soon!! But i keep going foreward because backs just not an option..

I had cereal,eggs,toast and fruit for breakfast.. i try to balance every meal this way.. I haven't figured in the whole vegtable thing yet,, but im working on it.. I also did what i call "batch" cooking.. I made 2 whole packages of chicken breast,, grilled them,, I made Turkey burgers and because i HATE vegtables i got the bright idea to put broccoli in them.. They were ok,, It made them a lot denser than usual. If you make homemade burgers the oldfashioned way, with breadcrumbs or something to "bind" them as my grandma used to say.. don't because the broccoli seems to take the place of that,, I also made spaghetti and chili (turkey of course) .. Then i packaged everything into single or double servings and threw them in the freezer!! (spaghetti noodles can be frozen.. cook to taste,, cool,, toss lightly in olive oil,, portion and freeze) I use wheat.. yum!!

well thats it for me right now.. Time to discover how bad i bombed on my test..


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Fun day and Pictures?? Should I??

Hey there, Today is a much better day than yesterday. It started a lil rocky i admit,, i wasnt hungry and had to force myself to eat, finally i had a bowl of multigrain cheerios. yay!! and my 32 oz of water first thing in the morning.. I got to school and hit the library and got some awesome diabetic cookbooks.. I figured on staying to myself and brooding for the day but that was not to be..

My instructor cassie is one of those little perky people who are like rays of sunshine ALLLLLL the darn time!! Even at 7 in the morning ugh!! anyways she decided we would do "ice breakers" in class today.. Those are "get to know everyone" type of games. Now my class ages range from about 21 to i'll say 50ish (im not sure how old she really is but im sure its around there.. anywho, were all adults.. )

Now the first one was a game where we had to close our eyes,, then cassie went around and whispered numbers in everyones ear.. (there were 17 of us) then we had to line ourselves up in order, 1 to 17.. with our eyes CLOSED and NO talking.. picture it,, a roomful of grown ass people wandering around a room with eyes closed trying to line themselves up in order.. i almost peed myself it was so funny!! A guy named barry was walking around with his hands at chest level, making open n closing motions.. we know this cuz the instructor goes.. ok no sexual harrassing,, barry im telling ur wife.. then there was this one really clumsy 6 foot woman who kept stepping on peoples feet,, hitting the chalk board and somehow ended up in the hallway lmaooo..did i mention the door was closed??  meanwhile about 7 people went past me and lined up but im number 3!!! then lee whos about 4 foot 2 was practically getting an indecent pat down from the over 50 yr old woman who couldnt tell if she was a person or not.. mann i still get tears just thinking about it.. That was the most fun ive had in such a long time...

second ice breaker was without talking,, we had to line ourselves up according to birthday, that was pretty funny to.. u would think grown chem majors would be able to make understandable number signs with thier fingers.. NOT!! lol that was kinda funny too.. again people kept trying to get behind me but i KNEW i had my position aced.. see my b day is new yrs eve lol.. the last day of the darn yr!! That was kinda fun also..

3rd one was just ok,, it was more a riddle,, we had to pass scissors and guess the rules.. complicated more so but interesting..

Day was shapin up ok, i wasnt even too bummed after we had the test.. I decided to face the gym so i went.. I talked to Tish (instructor) and even though im still bummed,, and my heart and mindset isnt the same as it was,, i'll continue to work out and just pray i begin to feel better.. I found a picture of me taken last yr at my heaviest.. 385.. in about apr i think.. and one taken on my b-day, dec 31 st,, about 5 days before i started working out in earnest i was 334,, i joined a biggest loser contest.. and 1 from in march at 303... where i won the biggest loser contest for losing 30 pounds in 2 months.. Still don't know how that happened.. maybe my workout journal will explain it.. my trainer works me!! I will get around to blogging it hopefully this weekend...

As for the pictures.. Im not sure about posting them,,besides is anyone REALLY interested in seeing the fat me?? lol hmmm i think i'll create a poll and see just that and decide from there..

well until later guys..


Monday, October 5, 2009

I need a hug...

I chose blue because today was a bad day for me. Lately believe it or not i had been in good spirits, For the last month ive been excited about the first day of school and beginning power lifting training.. Well not like a "real" body builder but close enough. Anyways, both started today,

Before the end of class i got pulled aside by the director, Im going to school to become a chemical lab technician.. She found out last week during orientation that im allergic to acetone.. (nail polish remover). I did'nt put it on my app because i forgot, im not exactly a nail polish kinda girl and i get my toes done at the shop mostly or use gloves and never have a problem.. Well apparently it could be a big problem.. I really don't understand why though, i mean yes, it wouldn't be good if there was an accident, but the only place i have the reaction is on my face, when touched,, now im sure it wouldnt be a good idea if ANYONE got splashed in the face with acetone right? and what about acid and other dangerous things,, anyways, (yes i say that a LOT get used to it) I spent an agonizing 40 minutes waiting for this talk, butterflies in my stomach and everything, so stressed im ready to puke, i mean ive invested months of pre classes and stress just to get in to be thrown out on my first official day!!! Could life really be that cruel??

It wasn't, well not really, She said they'll keep an eye on me and to let them know if it happens again.. Im still on pins and needles though because now i feel as if im under a spot light and our first 2 weeks are probationary anyways. I'd be lying if i didnt say i wasnt still very worried and scared, but its to late now to take it back sigh... 

The gym: well today was spinning and circuit training, i got to the gym and had forgotten it was training for the powerlifting, i was kinda late but they were sprinting around the track to get thier heart rate up,, which i can't do, My trainer wouldn't really meet my eye when i asked her what i should do, big warning huh, Its weird because the whole weightlifting thing was her suggestion and idea in the first place, she said she was going to think about it and probably have to modify some stuff for me.. Finally she pretty much said she couldn't train me, I couldn't do it.. Did you hear that sound?? It was my heart breaking and falling on the floor. I did my DAMNDEST to hold in the tears.. I sat and watched them train all the while holding it in..

See I guess i did the wrong thing, for some reason i put my heart and soul into this idea, not winning, but it just represented SO damn much to me.. It would be something different that would get me off this 3-4 month plateau/wall. It said to me that nothing could hold me back,, ive trained through pins in my foot, 2 weeks after a knee surgery, Ive never let it stop me because i feel like when/if i stop, i'll be the beginning of the end.. Im driven,, the pain of bieng 385 still fresh in my mind and hot on my heels, the nights spent crying and feeling less than a person,, the food issues,, all of it!! Participating in this became my, if i can do this, i can do anything.. sign.. I'm so burned out from working out im looking for something new to keep me going, keep me motivated,,keep me moving,, im so tired with every fiber of my bieng,, its hard.. but i push!!! Bottom line... I NEEDED this.. I didn't even do spinning,, i came home,, binged for the first time since january, sat down and cried and am still crying this very moment.. I want to give up..I think i have given up, The winds gone out of my sails,, the rides over.. . I don't ever want to go back to the gym... I feel like noone understands,, they all say,, its not that serious,, and things like that.. They don't understand..

I'll probably go to the gym again,, but my heart wont be in it,, I wont work as hard,, I mean whats the point,, Theres no goal nothing to look foreward to..

well ive talked much to much and i can't breathe cuz my honkers stuffed up now so im going to go..

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hopefully back in action....

Im sorry if there are any who were reading my blog for not getting back sooner. I got really busy and really stressed and i needed to blog but i didn't. I think what happens is that self sabatoging self we have tends to allow us to isolate ourselves. I thought to myself, noone cares what you have to say so why bother, why come and tell the world your problems, your wishes your heartaches, your desires, your triumphs and failures. what is the point, and then i realized, There isn't one!! lol and thats ok... If it's something you like doing just do it.

Ive missed out on so much, one of my favorite blogs went private and i wasn't around to ask for an invite. Lisa from LessofLisa if your reading this, i enjoy your blog and you really inspire me, i'd like an invite but if not, i wish you and your family well, and blessings,, and would like to say don't allow the negativity of others destroy your joy and peace sweety.

These past few weeks have been hard for me, ive been stressing over weight, and money, and needing a car, (i live in pennsylvania and winters on the bus is gonna SUCK big time), so many things, that on my sons birthday i ended up having a full blown panic attack, i couldn't afford to get him anything, I started throwing up and shaking and hyperventilating. i still feel so awful i can't talk about it.

My weight, sigh..im so tired of bieng fat. Its like a shroud that will never be lifted, i stand in front of vending machines and just look and my heartaches, when i grocery shop i stand in front of freezers and practically cry @ just the thought of can i have 1 tablespoon of that ice cream and i have to walk away because my mind says one tablespoon=10 pounds and 3 extra weeks in the gym to lose what i gained..yet again.. (is my math skewed?) Its so discouraging!! how do people stand it, i know that food shouldn't be a focus or an obsession but should it really be called that? I mean none of us normally gives a WHOLE lot of thought to what we put in our mouth until were told what we CAN'T put in it lol. Im so tired of people saying, it's gonna come off and don't worry, and all that stuff... Its sooo easy for people to say when their NOT lumbering around with 3000 pounds of pressure on thier torn up knees with barely any cartledge, the looks of disgust from men/women made worse if your lonely or looking for love, ok geez i'm getting tired of watching myself complain...

Lifes not all bad, i found some before and now pictures and i do see that ive come a long way from 385. Im not wearing a size 36 womens anymore, or even a 5x.. The jeans i have on now, although tight lol are a 18, i can fit 2x shirts and i no longer have to shop exclusively online. A teenager from my church came up to me at the gym a few days ago and pulled me to the side, she said she had been struggling with her weight for so long that she was ready to give up, but she's been watching me do it and make changes and it encourages her to keep going, she knows if i can do it, she can too. She was teary and everything, i was really stunned and appreciative and i must admit it felt strange, here i am feeling like a huge failure, how did i become someones inspiration?? Its making me think, im not sure what im coming to, but the wheels are turning and some nights when i wake up i smell smokey so im sure somethins goin on upstairs...(in my head). lol

I still go to the gym, circuit training and a spinning class on modays, upper body on tuesday, cardio on wensday, lower on thursday.. Im in a weight loss challenge again.. Dont think i'll win this time, im still terrified to even look at the scale on a regular basis. Im going to count my weight on Oct. 27th which is when the contest officially ends. I weighed in at the beginning, 253.. lord would it be lovely if i ended at 223 lol.. i know its not gonna happen but.. man o man... I start training actually for the strongest man/woman contest this coming week also.. Im scared but excited, its a more intense training. Im not to hopeful i can do it or have much success, only because ive had surgery on both my knees and this contest is about lifting your heaviest weight in 4 catergories, dead lift, (which is bending knees), squat, incline bench chest press and chest press i think.. The 2 uppers i may be ok but usually the cardio portion of training is sprints and things like that to get your heart rate up fast for the adreniline(sp) to help lift your heaviest. Can you see 250 pound me sprinting on bad knees?? lol i dont care though, shes gonna try modifying and im gonna give it my all, if i can't,, then i can't but at least i will have tried and maybe the intensity of trying something new is what i need to get off this plateau...

well, School officially starts on Monday, grrrr... so i better get to note taking and cooking up a storm so i can carry my lunch.. I could only find Dora the explorer sandwhich holders. wont that be lovely in a college cafeteria lol..

until later..be blessed..

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

can you binge on watermelon??

Good morning all, been a couple days since i posted, Ive been very busy, but i know all 5000 people who read this surely missed me. (joking) Anyways, it was a hard weekend foodwise, Firstly my church requested i make baked mac and cheese for our international dinner. It was missions week this week and at the end we always have this. Well the last time i made my 8 cheese baked mac and cheese was about that long ago. I decided i would just make it and drop it off, this avoiding all the food. That didn't work out, they needed me to serve at the soul food table. I tried, i really really tried!

The good: I ate a crapload of watermelon...

The bad: i also ate other stuff.....

The Ugly: I ate fried chicken, greens, baked mac and cheese, i visited the greek table and had various greek stuff i cant name,, I visited the dessert table and had a brownie AND pound cake, did i mention before i went i even ate a heaping bowl of turkey chili so i wouldn't eat anything there?? ugh!!

after that i went hope and swore i would walk for 2 miles at the least. umm in my dreams.. i promptly took my fat arse to sleep.. ahhh well...

the next fews days will be better im sure,, a good session with my therapist helped a little.. i think..

the next day i cut up and ate an entire watermelon. It just kept calling me, i was eatting it while i slept,, i would go pee then stand in front of the fridge half sleep eatting watermelon chunks,, which made me have to pee within a half hour again,, which meant i was back at the fridge.. can binging on watermelon truly be called a binge?? who binges on healthy stuff?? im a disgrace to bingers everywhere...

ok i took sum benadryl for allergies and im sleepy now and suspect im rambling in a not good way.. until i can speak coherently.. (did i really just try that word?) i will go to sleep...

ever yours...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Weight loss tips that help me along the way

Hey everyone, Last night as i was browsing blogs on my list while i had a few moments. I stopped by "less of Lisa's" page (check my bloglist on right) It really inspires me because i identify with her and her struggles. I don't necessarily binge, I just ate awful in general and was a closet eatter But i do understand a lot of her pain and frustration over the weight,Frustration with trying things that don't work, Life wanting to beat you down every step of the way, Im sure so many of us understand that, our struggles are basically the same. after reading it, and thinking about my journey and my girlfriends journey (see the blog "fixing myself thinner" also on the right) it inspired me to write a list of sorts of things and mental atitudes that really helped me along the way.

1. I stopped thinking diet, i figured i'd just do the best i could and the hell with the rest. Sometimes we get all excited and want it off right now, we bite off more than we can chew and at the first mistake we give up as too hard.

2. I decided to move a little more, 1 step at a time, instead of yelling for the kids to get the remote, i got up myself and got it.

3. there's no such thing as too little, it ALL add's up and matters. If i eat a whopper and throw away the last bite, or break a tiny piece off first n toss it(cause we know the last bite is ALWAYS the best) it matters!! Just think if i eat a whopper 3 days a week and toss 1 bite of it each time, in a month, ill have saved over 1000 calories.. thats 1000 calories that aren't stuck to my thighs right?

4.If i wanted it, i ate it but the rule was i had to make 1 change to it. If i normally got ice cream with whipped cream, and nuts and hot fudge, I got rid of the nuts. Or if i normally ate 12 wings, i would try and eat 11, if i couldn't, id at least remove the skin like i said NOTHING is to small,

5. If your obbsessed with adding calories, do it backwards, count all the calories you DON'T eat, like if u don't finish a meal, or actually decide u dont feel like those chips. As those calories add up,, you'll begin to want to add to them,, make the number bigger!! I swear it works lol. (for a while anyways

6. Never tell yourself you have to stop eatting anything!! If you do decide to drop things, do it 1 at a time, slowly!! I gave up regular soda first. I started trying different brands of diet, just to see and discovered although i loved pepsi and hated coke, i liked diet coke. go figure, so i occassionally subbed 1 for the other and eventually i wasn't drinking pepsi anymore.

7.ADD BREAKFAST!! even if it's just a piece of toast.

There are more tiny steps that lead to big steps and i'll add them as they occur to me. I think the important thing to remember is, give yourself credit, it's ok to mess up, just don't give up on yourself, you ARE worthy of having everything you desire, you ARE going to have ups and downs like everyone else, you ARE going to have days where you say, to hell with this. you ARE allowed!! It's the beating yourself up that takes time, energy and ultimately makes things worse. STOP THAT!!

Ok, climbs down off my soapbox n gets ready for school.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

reflections into my relationship with food... (shudder)

Hey fellow bloggers, man I'm exhausted the gym is brutal!! I'm so excited!!! I got comments!!!! Lol ty guys.

 Firstly, I gave a lot of thought to talking to him about my issues. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or even how too but while texting him late last night it kinda came out. Sigh... Yes I sent him texts about my feelings, while he was asleep at that, so he didn't get them till this morning. He didn't mention them so I asked was he angry, he said no, I had somethin to say and I said it,(I detected a lil tude in that statement) I said, sooooo any thoughts? He said "no" then he said he couldn't really talk. (He was at work). I've spoken to him several times over the day and twice he's been home but he hasn't mentioned it. I must say though, even if he never mentions it, I feel better because I've gotten it out, he knows how I feel. I guess it's up to him what he does with it.

Next issue, I had a good session with my therapist, we talked a lot about my food issues. I believe I have developed a fear of food, to me in my brain food equals bad. If I gain my brain immediately says stop eatting. Nevermind most days I'm barely making 1500 calories. Nevermind the weight I've lost. Nevermind I'd probably lose better if I ate more but I just don't trust food or myself with food. My brain REFUSES to understand or accept the ida that more food is something good. Weren't we always told to stop eatting so much? And that's why we were fat. How do you undo that? I don't recall hearing about eatting more. All I'm able to see is the 385 pound me. So I think like a 385 pd. Woman. Stop eatting!!! There's no such thing as "good fat" .(in my brain anyways)

We discussed what would happen if I ever made it to my goal of 190 pounds. Well I thought about it and realized, if I gained say 5 pounds, I'd swear I was on my way to 385 again and stop eatting, but who can stay at a steady weight without an up and down right? I'd probably panic and stop eatting again till I got to 180 where I'd feel safe. Then if I gained a few pounds I'd probably get scared and decide I needed to be at 170. Do u see a cycle?? I do. I gained from 246 to 255, I was so stressed I was about in tears and I put my scale in the basement. I'm literally terrified of my scale right now. Afraid ill get on it and it'll say 265. At the same time I'm afraid to not get on it and not notice I'm on my way back to 300+ (so far the fear of the gain is winning, I won't even look at the scale) Sigh if I'm not very very careful I could become anorexic, weighing 100 pounds and insisting I'm still too fat.. Going from one eatting extreme to another.. Lord who knew all this fat carried so much damn baggage..

Well as always I've babbled a lot but not said half of what I wanted.. I hope to update everything, this weekend if I get a chance.. I do keep a workout journal for those interested in the work I do with my trainer, she's awesome!! 80 pounds gone in 8 months with her. I love that she's encouraging, she doesn't put a "time pressure" on me. She sets out to work each muscle group or cardio session and if it takes you 5 hours, you'll be there 5 hours or adding it to your next day, which you learn quickly you do not wanna do!! I was truly blessed to have met her, She is also a nutritionist, doesn't believe in "diets" she believes in moderation, healthy eatting and exercise. Im on a very low income and although she trains me 3-4 days a week, she seldom if ever asks me for money. She truly just happens to be someone who LOVES what she does. She also encourages me, gave me her cell phone number, one day i was sitting outside mcdonalds and called her lol about to have a quarter pounder with cheese attack. You guys know the cycle, ida ate it,large fry, probably added a cheeseburger and soda, then felt horrible!!! She talked, i whined and begged but we compromised, i got grilled chic sandwhich and salad, but i got to have an ice cream cone lol. Not exactly the QP but still it was nice to know i could find a healthier compromise to what i thought i wanted. I also ask for nutrition menus EVERYWHERE!! even if they dont have one to give you ask for thier copy. Trust me, a lot of the stuff you eat, you'll quickly decide its not worth it!! salt, salt, salt!! fat!! calories!! even the so called healthy stuff.
damn did it again,, got to babbling... bye till tomorrow.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Blue Day..

Well, here i am on amtrak just zipping along as such. I'm still feeling melancholy and weepy and blue and im not sure why. It's making me crave food, i don't know why,, normally im not a comfort eatter, when i get upset my throat closes and i feel stress and can't eat but for some reason now all i can think of is potatoe chips, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, (God how i LOVE mashed potatoes) fried chicken, a candy bar, ice cream, well you get the picture. I guess its a really good thing im on this train huh. Good thing i only packed grapes, apple sauce and salad n stuff huh. sighh...

Tomorrow i go back to the gym, to school to stress as usual. I also get to see my therapist again whom i haven't seen in 2 months. Possibly i have anxiety over that. I find myself not telling her everything, Why?? she's a stranger, she's paid to not have an opinion right?? So why do i care enough about her opinion to lie to the person whos supposed to help me sort out the stuff i shouldn't be lying about? Lord do i have mega issues!! Why do i have this obsessive need to be liked by everyone? I often put on a brave "i dont care" front. But i do care, i care very much. Im tired of bieng invisible, i want to be liked and fawned over and noticed like the popular people. I think..

I think deep down i know that's not really me,, but i wish it was you know. I wish i was the kind of person who everyone flocked around and needed to be with but the sad truth is. If i got that, i'd probably be running for the nearest ditch to hide out in. Full camo gear and a stun gun for any who got too close. How can such different thoughts and wants and needs all be wrapped up in 1 psychy?

Maybe it's a validation issue, kind of how men have that whole ritual head nod at one another thing. It says, "hey dude" your accepted as one of us all in a simple gesture without words or preable or the need to invade one anothers space. Why don't we have that? A womanly eyebrow raise or shoulder twitch or something!! Anything that says,, Looking good sis, do your thing...

o well, i guess imma do my thing on this train, suck a grape and pretend its a.... aww hell who'm i kidding,, you can't pretend a grape is anything but a grape lol. sighh..

toodles until later..

Off topic... But on...sex and the fatty self image

Happy labor day all, As this was a long weekend and i wasn't in town i decided to forego blogging to spend time with my sweety. Which brings me to my off topic but on topic thing. Long distance relationships are hard, and bieng that this is my very first one, its exspecially hard, combine that with a "in-between fatty" terrible self image and it can be down right depressing. Let me explain.

I came to see my sweety for the weekend, As im about to start my classes Oct. 5th and will have very limited time, this is possibly the last long weekend i'd b able to spend with him for a long time. I expected lots of quality time, and yes sex also. Needless to say i didn't get that, The first day was understandable, he had to work 2 jobs and was tired, we did fit sex in, (which i initiated) and i went out shopping on my own. 2nd day, i went out shopping on my own again as he didnt want to go. I was a little bummed about that but ok, so we'd have quality time later right? Wrong, we watched a movie, which bored me, we were supposed to go for a walk but since i was bored by the movie, much to his small protesting, i initiated sex again. Then he promptly fell asleep sigh. End of day 2, ok so yesterday, my last day, were going to spend it together right?? I had to go to store for a few things for lunch on the train, i asked him to come, he wouldn't. So i went alone, he insists it was so i could learn my way around the city.. Thats bullshit in my opinion, i dont give a flying f*&^ about the city, i wanted to be with him. Soo i did that and came back. I wanted to have sex, man do i sound like a nympho? ugh, it really wasn't like that,, ok the first 2 were quickys, what i was looking for as you ladies know was real intimacy, where i felt like we had time to be together physically and mentally, where i felt like he wanted ME.. not just that i wanted him, you know what i mean? I began to feel like i was always initiating, so i decided to let him intitiate it. He never did. I'm feeling kind of hurt, I feel like maybe he doesn't find me attractive or want me and that maybe he just has sex with me to make me happy. I don't want pity sex!!! I mean here you have a willing woman, ready to do anything you want,, and you don't want it. Thats what all men complain they don't have and wish they did right?? I mean here's your woman in town for possibly the last time for a while. I would have expected to be fighting him off..Now your gonna ask,, did i let him know, well, I did mention it sort of, ok i said, "lets watch porn and you can give me a massage" he said,, "go eat". He did give me the massage but it was like my granny was giving it to me as non sexual as could be, i just made him stop and disgusted, got up and went in the other room. I didn't want to initiate again cuz i would have felt again he was doing it because i wanted to, at the same time, i couldn't say hey, don't you find me attractive, that would have been humiliating and to top it off worse if he would've tried to have sex with me after that. I would've felt like it was "pity sex"

Is it the insecurity in me making a big deal over it?? Not the insecurity of him cheating but it's an overwhelming sense of he doesn't want me because im disgusting or something,, Like i feel like if my body was sexier he would want me. He doesn't look at me like that or touch me like that. It hurts and i KNOW it's mostly just me bieng overly sensitive about my body but i dunno, i don't think i'll ever get over it. Will i ever have self esteem, will i ever stop blaming things on my weight and how my body looks?? Maybe he just doesn't like sex that much. Maybe he's under stress, Maybe he feels like im taking advantage of him.. It could be a thousand reasons but my heart and mind latch on to and scream..""ITS BECAUSE YOUR FAT AND UGLY""....

I haven't weighed in over a week now, because im afraid, im afraid i'll step on the scale and be 300 again. Or moving up, I feel like ive lost as much as i can and now im stuck and im scared. Sigh, bieng fat sucks soooo immensly bad, you can lose the weight but not the issues. Self image is important and anyone who says its not isn't honest with themselves or everyone else.

well i may or not blog from from the train, if so, see you then,, if not,, i'll probably be back on track tomorrow,, my only option is to keep moving foreward right.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Jealousy, Weight loss and food issues, O my..

It's been a hellish 2 days, I dont even know where to begin. Thursday was a blur of activity as i planned on going away this weekend. To visit a friend and get V some school clothes. Because the train was inflexible i opted to take greyhound to philadelphia, I mean it's thursday night right? how bad can it be? It was 6 hours of pure HELL!!!.. They ended up needing 3 buses, i got stuck beside a chatty guy who's chatter wasn't the good kind, I ended up in the isle seat and i was traveling at night. with only 2 good hours of sleep for the past 24 hours. I'll spare you the details but lets just say i would NOT recommend a bus trip anytime soon people!!

Im still really exhausted as i did a lot today!! I know i owe 2 days worth of food and exercise, i have been writing it down so im going to post it, also since i do exercise a lot, im thinking of separating the exercise into its own little blog. I signed up for the Strong man/ Strong woman contest in our gym. A moment of insanity i assure you!! Im still dealing with whole "biggest loser" thing. I don't want to win but im afraid to lose. Does that make any sense? Im also feeling a little weird about it because of the whole "Brea"  situation.

She was a really good friend, we'll sort of like family, anyways when i was 385 and she was about 280, She talked me into joining the gym and we did the biggest loser together, as i said before i had started losing before that and i guess my "walking" (cuz thats all i could do then) motivated her too. It was the new year and getting ready for snow, so we joined. (i usually walked an outdoor track) Im not gonna go into the back story on the biggest loser, its in my first post if anyone cares to read it. Anywho, we decided since we had different schedules we would work out at different times, we talked and planned our schedules WITH the trainer together. Everything was going pretty ok until the end of the contest, we weighed in together, as a matter of fact, we had hung out together all that day. I lost 30 pounds, she lost 4. She hasn't spoken to me since then. She started avoiding me and barely speaking, I knew something was wrong and figured it was because i won the contest but wasn't sure but then she told our trainer tish and other people that we started it together and i guess she felt like i left her behind or doing something behind her back, last weekend my mom asked her what was going on and she told my mom i changed!!

Im like WHOAAA ,  first off, we were fine, if i changed why were we still friendly up until day of final weigh in?? You don't speak to me anymore so how can u say i'm the one that changed? Dont you have to be actually around and speaking to a person to notice a change??  As far as doing it together goes, we made different workout schedules together!! She had my number if she needed help or needed to do extra exercise or walking or whatever but noooo..

Let me explain something to you all, bieng fat ultimately is about choices, we have choices in everything we do, yes i bitch and moan about you skinny heffers who can eat anything and not gain an ounce.. but the reality is i DO gain and so my choices are either;to bitch and moan about YOU, or get my shit together and do what i need to do for ME. Bitching and moanng never lost me a pound. The sooner we accept that no matter how much whining we do,, or how many surgerys a person gets, unless you accept whatever it is that made you fat, wether its not eatting enough and badly (aka the fat anorexic) or bingeing or just plain eatting. Wether its glands or an illness IT DOESN'T MATTER!! What matters is you make the effort to correct it, the best way you can and until you embrace it and face it,, you cant replace it with a healthier thinner and prayerfully more sane you!! . Noone can do that for you but you,, It took me a long time to get here. Im determined, Im focused, Im scared and often frustrated but i keep moving foreward because backwards is not an option for me at this point. Ask yourself where are you in this journey and accept the choice you've made for you..(off the soapbox now i think) whew,, wonder how many calories that as worth??

Where was i?? O yeah,, anyways we did stuff together like go out to eat, while i would order whole wheat and grilled,, she would order chicken fingers and fries,, while i would skip the ice cream, she'd buy a large.. We're both over 30,, i can't hold your hand like a child. You have to want to do this for you. We live 2 doors from one another and she's the mother of my nephew and we don't even speak anymore. Thursday she walked past me and turned her head away. We still work out at the same gym although at different times but when we encounter each other on the odd day im running late it's weird and full of avoided glances and silence.. When full courses for school kick in, i'll be at the gym with her at the same time, using the same trainer. Id be lieing if i didnt say the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable and worried,, i dont like conflict but im not the one with the issue. As i said,, I know this is for me and not her and i should just keep doing what i do and i will. Backwards is NOT an option for me..Sighhh this whole situation sucks!!  .Jealousy is such an ugly ugly thing...

man i ramble,, see what happens when i miss days?? This is getting too long, I havent had much chance to do calories and there's more i want to say but i"ll save it for tomorrow.

I started this blog for theraputic reasons, to vent, keep track and have a record of this journey somewhere, I never needed it to be popular or anything but right now i wish there were more people reading it just because i really need input on this situation.. sigghhh.. ahh well im gonna post my workout to the left and maybe tomorrow i can update food . Im beat<< maybe i'll do updates tomorro,, its after midnight yet again....

until then.. ever chatty

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Has anyone seen my extra hours??

Man o man,i need more hours in a day!! I'm having a bad week, i get up 6 for to have breakfast for school, go to school, from school to gym, at the gym my trainer talks me into joining the biggest loser,, because apparently i need to defend my title.. sigh.. ok when i did first one, i was 334, going from sedentary to moving, fat fell away like well, hot fat lmaoo... Now its more like taffy,, it stretches till you thoink its gonna break the BAM!! it snaps back again!! So im on a gain/plateau and weight loss challenge is not hi on my prioritys,, but i do it anyways,, then she damn near kills me.. i mean whats a fat girl with 2 knee surgerys and arthritis doing at 3.9 on a treadmill at an incline!!! One of us is gonna die during this challenge i just know it..
next i have to pick up hubby because he got off early and with 1 car, im now 3 hours late (notice i didnt mention lunch sigh... i have a girlfriend with me so i pick him up, we drop her off, go to grocery store, cash his pitiful check thats 500 less than what we need to live, go to the bank, then home.. ahhh blessed home, a sandwhich, and large salad and i can relax right??

NOT!!!! my daughter informs me they need me in the mass choir,, so im on my way to the church, trying to do homework and sing "yet praise him" ironic isnt it?? I thought so to.. then my daughter twists her knee (its 9 pm by this time) and so off to the emergency room we go. We get there and its like a friday night at the club and topless women are a special or something.. Im like wth!! its a childrens hospital so i pull up a chair the size of only 1 of my ass cheeks and sit at a table i could wear as a bib if i had straps for it and attempt to do my homework.. sighhh 3 hours later!! She STILL hasnt been seen!! I call my husband and yell SWITCHHH!! so he came and got me and is sitting there with her while i came home,, alas sleep is elusive and no point seeing as how when theyre done, guess who gets to go get them?? that would be me,, who also has to get up at 5:45 to get in the 2 miles i didn't get in today...

Tomorrow im packing a lunch!! my food for today was dismal to say the least.. Im probably one of the few people on earth who packs on pounds from bieng to busy to eat.. ever hear the term fat anorexic??

Breakfast: 2 pieces french toast, 2 oz turkey sausage

Lunch?: Turkey sandwhich on lite wheat,(2 slices lite wheat,1 slice 2%cheese,miricle whip, lettuce)  large salad (lots of baby spinich and romaine mix, toouch of shredded cheese and lite dressing)..yeah i know but i was tired and it was quickest..

Dinner:ummmm not happenin...

pre and post workout protien shakes..(just powder and water)

Snack: 2 bananas and some grapes

well im going to close my eyes as im sure the moment i do that the phone will ring and they'll say theyre ready.. until tomorrows fresh hell
hugs, blessings and xtra hours all around...

Monday, August 31, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today was hell!! I just had a huge fight with my husband whom im ready to leave at this point. Im so tired and stressed, I was watching tv and he pulls a chair up, plops it in front of the tv and turns on a video game, im like WTF!! I calmly said you could have at least asked if i was watching that, He gets all huffy and says you werent watching it cuz your on the phone and computer, i said first off im not on phone (just had my bluetooth in) secondly, i was just browsing web trying to find where boars head deli meats are sold in my area (never did find out). Anywho as i told him, none of that matters, you could have just asked, anyways it turned into yet another massive fight. I think while i was really overweight, i didn't have a voice, i allowed so many things, essentially i became invisible, now im fighting to be seen again. needless to say, it put me off my feed.. my calories for the day topped out at 978!! Thats bad and i know it sigh but at this point its almost midnight so i guess it will be what it will be.

Breakfast: 2 eggs scrambled w/ sprinkle of shredded cheese, 2 pieces of wheat toast w/sugar free jelly

Lunch: (2 sandwhiches)6 oz deitz n watson lite turkey breast, 4 slices of lite wheat bread, 2 tblspns miricle whip, lettuce n 2 slices of cheese. and huge salad, baby spinich and romaine, lil shredded cheese and lite dressing.

Snack: 1/2 pound of grapes (total through out day snacking on them)

Dinner: fight "0" calories... but good for another 5 pounds of stress weight!!

Guess its a good thing i was hungry enough for 2 sandwhiches at lunch or i would be under the 500 calories mark!! I did walk today though, this morning and after the fight. 2 miles in a.m. and 3 miles in p.m. Im going to bed.. ugh!!

The obsessive mind...

I woke up this morning thinking; as usual. Last night before bed i read all about stress and weight. Turns out theres a lot of information on its true. It can effect my diabetes, it causes your body to create more cortisol which slows your metabolism and causes fatigue and cravings and my hair is already falling out from the rapid weight loss, If i add stress to it, Imma be bald ontop of it. Ive come to realize,Im a super stresser and If anyone has stress weight it's me, faced with shut off notices, less money coming in than bills that go out, food and family issues, Me re-entering school full time, trying to squeeze in workouts 4 days a week and walking 7 days, It all gets to be mind boggling, I don't get much sleep and when i do, its broken, so what am i supposed to do? None of those things are going away anytime soon so how do you get away from it? I tried relaxation to fall asleep last night, It didn't work as i didn't fall asleep until after 12 and i set alarm for 6 so i could walk, well between bathroom breaks and tossing and turning,well lets just say, not enough sleep again.
So i decided to cut my walk out and get a few extra moments of rest, it didnt work, after 15 minutes i realized. Shit.. trying not to walk is stressing me even more, guilt about not walking, then i start thinking about bills, needless to say i figured i may as well walk. It's stressin me also about my knees, bieng fat for so long has all but ruined them. Arthritis and 2 knee surgeries and now pain. I seem to have aggravated it by working out to much or too hard so im on pain pills (which don't help) and under orders to slow down my workouts considerably.
Thats akin to saying your going to cut off my arm!! Im up 10 pounds!! Doesn't he know if i lay off the exercise by next week i could be 300 lbs again!! (this is the way the fat mind works) Doesn't he understand every pound gained in our mind is 10, I can't go back there!! I told my trainer what he said and i will slow down but it makes me wanna cry. The fear of gaining weight is = to the fear of not losing anymore weight.. No spinning today sigh.. OMG!!! have any of you ever tried spinning!! My crotch felt like hamburger!! Those little seats were just not made for big assess... They should make a big cushiony seat for us don't you think? I mean i know the point isn't to sit, but I have bad knees so although my trainer says i can spin she prefers me to sit n just pedal the whole class as fast as i can. Trust me! Bad knees or not after about 10 minutes of that torturous seat my ass was up trying to pedal through hill climb on 3!!! The sweat and workout is unbelievable though i must admit. If only my body wasn't betraying me. Well here i am blogging when i should be packing up my laptop and heading to school. So off i go. I havent planned out my food for today yet. I'll add and update that later.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A new perspective

I've just gotten back in from church and im feeling better now. I just needed to get a little perspective "sigh" Im down 130 pounds in a little over a year and 80 of it in just 8 months and i did it by hard work and a change in habits and thats nothing to sneeze at.  Funny thing about losing a lot of weight, when i look in the mirror, i see that 385 pound girl. In my mind theres no difference between 385, 285 and im now suspecting 185 in my mind. I just need to realize Im going to have ups and downs, i guess. This is a lifestyle change, i dont believe in diets, thing about diets is, they end. When that's over with and you go back the same old thing, boom here comes the same old pounds,, with friends to boot!!  

Breakfast: 4 oz piece of steak and 2 eggs w/ 1 slice cheese and 2 pieces of  light wheat toast w/sugar free jelly and 4 0z of oj.

Lunch: banana and turkey burger on 2 slices of light wheat bread

Dinner: 4 oz of steak, bowl of oatmeal (i know weird huh)

Snack: a banana..

Total calories according to spark is...1457

Soon as i figure this blogging thing out (help!!!) Im gonna have a section where i post workouts and show food and maybe if i have the courage,, dare i say it!! Pictures!! anyone who wants to help me accomplish this please feel free to contact me and let me know.

Fat and pissed off about it!!

I just don"t understand it!! I'm doing everything right, or so i thought and i still gained!! I was down to 246 and now im back up to 255. It pisses me off, here i am busting my ass 4 days a week in the gym, walking 2 times a day, living on grilled chicken breasts, protien shakes, lettuce and massive amounts of fruit. While the heffer sitting next to me can shovel, ding dongs, ho ho's and pizza by the boatload and not gain an ounce!! and NO she doesn't exercise. People like that annoy me because if i eat 1 candy bar (which i haven't in a year) They look down upon me as if ive just commited a sin akin to murder and utter words such as "no wonder she's fat". Im tired, im tired of busting my ass and for what?? So i can be acceptable to who?? If there are any perpetually skinny people reading this, Thank your God that you are blessed with a size 2 no matter what you do, because there are some, who even if they never ate another bite would probably gain 10 pounds just smelling something you eat. Yes at this moment im bitter and frustrated. It may only be 9 pounds to some, but when you have more than 50 lbs. to lose, and you've done everything you know to do. Where else is there to go?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Fat,Depressed, longwinded and starting over

Well, i'm new to this whole blogging thing, a friend of mine told me about it but i was like where do you start? I figured to just jump in better late than never right?? I've never blogged before (ok so im repeating myself already) so i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do but i guess i'll just ramble a little about me and if you choose, follow along!! If not,, i hear there's a red "x" somewhere to the top right and if you hit it, i'll disappear. (grin).

Anywho as i believe i mentioned before, i'm 39 yrs. old, I have 2 children, a son whom i'll call "V" who's 11, and a daughter whom i'll call "Q" who's, horror of all horrors, 16 going on 32 with a responsibility level of 7. sigh. When my daughter was born, i started gaining weight, slowly at first, i started at about 190 or so, which wasn't bad on my 5 foot 9 frame, that inched till i said, it's ok long as i don't go above 200, then it was, as long as i don't go over 250, etc: etc:, you get the picture... Anyways, 5 yrs later, i had my son, i had severe depression and within 1 month of having him was diagnosed bi-polar. I spent 11 yrs, literally doped up, barely able to move off the couch, weeping all the time, going from medication to medication, packing on the pounds, which depressed me more, hiding in my car to eat when i went out, thinking everyone was looking at me and thinking to themselves how disgusting i was!! I mean how could they not! when i caught sight of myself that's what i thought!! then one day i got a godsend, my doctor had to leave (i've had several) and this new doctor actually took the time to say,, you know what, you've been on everything and nothings working and my god what are you doing on such a hi dose of this medication!! it has a side effect of weight gain and diabetes it's a wonder you could get up and leave the house. Let's wean you off and start all over.

At this point i had given up so i didn't care. I got weighed, which was a chore since my doctors scale only went to 300 and i had left that behind long ago!! So i bought a scale that went up to 400 pounds and prayed. I was 385.. hmmm well i guess my prayer was answered, it did weigh me but maybe i shoulda got a scale with a lower weight and prayed the same thing lol. So she pored over my 11 yrs of records and notes and while weaning had asked me to walk once a week, and to have blood work done, sigh.. blood work came back diabetic, BUT i discovered i was feeling a little better from the weaning AND i noticed i was dropping a couple pounds. hmmmm.... ok so i'm diabetic, i'm deathly afraid of needles, so i said ok, i'm cutting EVERYTHING with sugar and i did. cold turkey, no more snickers, no more Reese's sticks, no more pepsi!!! well regular pepsi anyways. I also noticed i started dropping more a little faster, (diabetes can be a blessing, in my case it is).....

So i'm finally at this point completely off antidepressants, and feeling good mentally,,sort of, the weight, well i was still about 350 pounds and some of you KNOW the feeling of that, the humiliation of having to ride the bus and no one wants to sit next to you,, feeling like no matter what you eat your being judged, unable to fit "skinny people" clothes in the normal store and when you do find clothes, they always have flowers all over them, what the hell is that about?? and are polyester blend, unfashionable and have the nerve to cost a zillion dollars!! Lord to be able to buy a shirt for 10 bucks that doesn't have a print!! Let the larger choir say amen!!

where was i?? o yeah.. i was about 350 and off the anti drugs, and my therapist concludes,, why they didn't treat you as post partum depressed i'll never know, but your not bi-polar, depressed probably yes, i mean for goodness sake, of course i'm depressed!! ugh.. so we embark on regular talk therapy which has done wonders for me!! I highly recommend it!! nothing like someone impartial to vent to. Someone on your side all the time,, lets just overlook the fact were paying them to be on our side and take what we can get when we get it!! ok back to the weight loss it's getting onto the winter months now and i was walking on an outdoor track. I liked it because it was private and i was loath to walk in my own neighborhood for fear of ooglers and gawkers, so i was nervous because i didn't know what i was going to do. I was afraid to join a co ed gym, plus i'm broke, and i didn't know what to do, i had a girlfriend who at a petite 270 wanted to lose some weight, talked me into joining the local ymca.

Now you already KNOW how i felt about a co-ed gym, but i was feeling pretty good and they had income based fee and walking in the snow and ice was NOT an option...so i figured i could find their slow time and just walk on the treadmill. We joined Jan 2,2009, and little was i to know, there i found my godsend and drill sargeant, Tish. They were running a 'biggest loser" thing for the new yr, i didn't want to join, but pressure from my friend, a 15 dollar fee and free personal training for the 2 months of the contest with the trainer of your choice, how could i NOT take advantage of that!!

On January, 2,2009, i weighed in for the contest at 334. Hmm id lost 50 pounds just by walking and diet change it seemed within 4 months or so, i was feeling optimistic, i didn't want to win mind you because the winner got their picture posted in the gym for all to see.. I mean the 3 months free and tshirt woulda been nice; and another 3 personal training sessions, but that whole picture thing.. i just was not feeling it,, if you get my drift.. i did work hard though, i continued walking, and Tish required i come to the gym for training 3 times a week. She had me add a protein shake and things were going good. too good, did i mention i have arthritis in both knees, had surgery on the right one (meniscus tear) and now the left one was hurting AND my right foot, i go to the doctor and turns out, i need surgery on my right foot, and on my left knee!! (another meniscus tear!) i decided to wait until close to end of the challenge and have the surgeries one after another. I had the foot surgery and was still going to the gym,, doing elliptical with a pin that went from tip of my baby toe to middle of my foot to hold it straight!! It was gross now that i think back on it.

Lo and behold!! I won the challenge,, i weighed in at 304 on march 1st,2009, i won 3 months membership, a tshirt, an awful picture on the wall, and lost a friend, who over the course of the 2 months lost only 5 pounds compared to my 30 and felt i had somehow "changed" and we were supposed to be doing it together(as if i left her behind), as if i made her eat zingers and cold stone ice cream and xtra large portions of chicken fingers and french fries, while i sat next to her and suffered through dry chicken breast on wheat and broccoli!!(shudders). sighhh... anyway (boy i say that a lot!!), i digress,

This is getting long for a first post but i did want to fill you in as much as i could think of, I hate stories that begin in the middle, they leave you with so many questions!! but ask away and if i can or choose i'll answer them, i'll talk more about my past journey as well as my thoughts and day to day stuff, as you can see i'm a rambler.. so much to say and so little time to say it,, anyways, i'm sure your dying to hear about my time at a diet website and the wonderful friends i made there, and more about the friend who ditched me because i'm losing more than her, my trainer Tish, my kids, my money and weight problems, my reentry into school and various other facets of my boring poor life.