Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, August 31, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today was hell!! I just had a huge fight with my husband whom im ready to leave at this point. Im so tired and stressed, I was watching tv and he pulls a chair up, plops it in front of the tv and turns on a video game, im like WTF!! I calmly said you could have at least asked if i was watching that, He gets all huffy and says you werent watching it cuz your on the phone and computer, i said first off im not on phone (just had my bluetooth in) secondly, i was just browsing web trying to find where boars head deli meats are sold in my area (never did find out). Anywho as i told him, none of that matters, you could have just asked, anyways it turned into yet another massive fight. I think while i was really overweight, i didn't have a voice, i allowed so many things, essentially i became invisible, now im fighting to be seen again. needless to say, it put me off my feed.. my calories for the day topped out at 978!! Thats bad and i know it sigh but at this point its almost midnight so i guess it will be what it will be.

Breakfast: 2 eggs scrambled w/ sprinkle of shredded cheese, 2 pieces of wheat toast w/sugar free jelly

Lunch: (2 sandwhiches)6 oz deitz n watson lite turkey breast, 4 slices of lite wheat bread, 2 tblspns miricle whip, lettuce n 2 slices of cheese. and huge salad, baby spinich and romaine, lil shredded cheese and lite dressing.

Snack: 1/2 pound of grapes (total through out day snacking on them)

Dinner: fight "0" calories... but good for another 5 pounds of stress weight!!

Guess its a good thing i was hungry enough for 2 sandwhiches at lunch or i would be under the 500 calories mark!! I did walk today though, this morning and after the fight. 2 miles in a.m. and 3 miles in p.m. Im going to bed.. ugh!!

The obsessive mind...

I woke up this morning thinking; as usual. Last night before bed i read all about stress and weight. Turns out theres a lot of information on its true. It can effect my diabetes, it causes your body to create more cortisol which slows your metabolism and causes fatigue and cravings and my hair is already falling out from the rapid weight loss, If i add stress to it, Imma be bald ontop of it. Ive come to realize,Im a super stresser and If anyone has stress weight it's me, faced with shut off notices, less money coming in than bills that go out, food and family issues, Me re-entering school full time, trying to squeeze in workouts 4 days a week and walking 7 days, It all gets to be mind boggling, I don't get much sleep and when i do, its broken, so what am i supposed to do? None of those things are going away anytime soon so how do you get away from it? I tried relaxation to fall asleep last night, It didn't work as i didn't fall asleep until after 12 and i set alarm for 6 so i could walk, well between bathroom breaks and tossing and turning,well lets just say, not enough sleep again.
So i decided to cut my walk out and get a few extra moments of rest, it didnt work, after 15 minutes i realized. Shit.. trying not to walk is stressing me even more, guilt about not walking, then i start thinking about bills, needless to say i figured i may as well walk. It's stressin me also about my knees, bieng fat for so long has all but ruined them. Arthritis and 2 knee surgeries and now pain. I seem to have aggravated it by working out to much or too hard so im on pain pills (which don't help) and under orders to slow down my workouts considerably.
Thats akin to saying your going to cut off my arm!! Im up 10 pounds!! Doesn't he know if i lay off the exercise by next week i could be 300 lbs again!! (this is the way the fat mind works) Doesn't he understand every pound gained in our mind is 10, I can't go back there!! I told my trainer what he said and i will slow down but it makes me wanna cry. The fear of gaining weight is = to the fear of not losing anymore weight.. No spinning today sigh.. OMG!!! have any of you ever tried spinning!! My crotch felt like hamburger!! Those little seats were just not made for big assess... They should make a big cushiony seat for us don't you think? I mean i know the point isn't to sit, but I have bad knees so although my trainer says i can spin she prefers me to sit n just pedal the whole class as fast as i can. Trust me! Bad knees or not after about 10 minutes of that torturous seat my ass was up trying to pedal through hill climb on 3!!! The sweat and workout is unbelievable though i must admit. If only my body wasn't betraying me. Well here i am blogging when i should be packing up my laptop and heading to school. So off i go. I havent planned out my food for today yet. I'll add and update that later.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A new perspective

I've just gotten back in from church and im feeling better now. I just needed to get a little perspective "sigh" Im down 130 pounds in a little over a year and 80 of it in just 8 months and i did it by hard work and a change in habits and thats nothing to sneeze at.  Funny thing about losing a lot of weight, when i look in the mirror, i see that 385 pound girl. In my mind theres no difference between 385, 285 and im now suspecting 185 in my mind. I just need to realize Im going to have ups and downs, i guess. This is a lifestyle change, i dont believe in diets, thing about diets is, they end. When that's over with and you go back the same old thing, boom here comes the same old pounds,, with friends to boot!!  

Breakfast: 4 oz piece of steak and 2 eggs w/ 1 slice cheese and 2 pieces of  light wheat toast w/sugar free jelly and 4 0z of oj.

Lunch: banana and turkey burger on 2 slices of light wheat bread

Dinner: 4 oz of steak, bowl of oatmeal (i know weird huh)

Snack: a banana..

Total calories according to spark is...1457

Soon as i figure this blogging thing out (help!!!) Im gonna have a section where i post workouts and show food and maybe if i have the courage,, dare i say it!! Pictures!! anyone who wants to help me accomplish this please feel free to contact me and let me know.

Fat and pissed off about it!!

I just don"t understand it!! I'm doing everything right, or so i thought and i still gained!! I was down to 246 and now im back up to 255. It pisses me off, here i am busting my ass 4 days a week in the gym, walking 2 times a day, living on grilled chicken breasts, protien shakes, lettuce and massive amounts of fruit. While the heffer sitting next to me can shovel, ding dongs, ho ho's and pizza by the boatload and not gain an ounce!! and NO she doesn't exercise. People like that annoy me because if i eat 1 candy bar (which i haven't in a year) They look down upon me as if ive just commited a sin akin to murder and utter words such as "no wonder she's fat". Im tired, im tired of busting my ass and for what?? So i can be acceptable to who?? If there are any perpetually skinny people reading this, Thank your God that you are blessed with a size 2 no matter what you do, because there are some, who even if they never ate another bite would probably gain 10 pounds just smelling something you eat. Yes at this moment im bitter and frustrated. It may only be 9 pounds to some, but when you have more than 50 lbs. to lose, and you've done everything you know to do. Where else is there to go?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Fat,Depressed, longwinded and starting over

Well, i'm new to this whole blogging thing, a friend of mine told me about it but i was like where do you start? I figured to just jump in better late than never right?? I've never blogged before (ok so im repeating myself already) so i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do but i guess i'll just ramble a little about me and if you choose, follow along!! If not,, i hear there's a red "x" somewhere to the top right and if you hit it, i'll disappear. (grin).

Anywho as i believe i mentioned before, i'm 39 yrs. old, I have 2 children, a son whom i'll call "V" who's 11, and a daughter whom i'll call "Q" who's, horror of all horrors, 16 going on 32 with a responsibility level of 7. sigh. When my daughter was born, i started gaining weight, slowly at first, i started at about 190 or so, which wasn't bad on my 5 foot 9 frame, that inched till i said, it's ok long as i don't go above 200, then it was, as long as i don't go over 250, etc: etc:, you get the picture... Anyways, 5 yrs later, i had my son, i had severe depression and within 1 month of having him was diagnosed bi-polar. I spent 11 yrs, literally doped up, barely able to move off the couch, weeping all the time, going from medication to medication, packing on the pounds, which depressed me more, hiding in my car to eat when i went out, thinking everyone was looking at me and thinking to themselves how disgusting i was!! I mean how could they not! when i caught sight of myself that's what i thought!! then one day i got a godsend, my doctor had to leave (i've had several) and this new doctor actually took the time to say,, you know what, you've been on everything and nothings working and my god what are you doing on such a hi dose of this medication!! it has a side effect of weight gain and diabetes it's a wonder you could get up and leave the house. Let's wean you off and start all over.

At this point i had given up so i didn't care. I got weighed, which was a chore since my doctors scale only went to 300 and i had left that behind long ago!! So i bought a scale that went up to 400 pounds and prayed. I was 385.. hmmm well i guess my prayer was answered, it did weigh me but maybe i shoulda got a scale with a lower weight and prayed the same thing lol. So she pored over my 11 yrs of records and notes and while weaning had asked me to walk once a week, and to have blood work done, sigh.. blood work came back diabetic, BUT i discovered i was feeling a little better from the weaning AND i noticed i was dropping a couple pounds. hmmmm.... ok so i'm diabetic, i'm deathly afraid of needles, so i said ok, i'm cutting EVERYTHING with sugar and i did. cold turkey, no more snickers, no more Reese's sticks, no more pepsi!!! well regular pepsi anyways. I also noticed i started dropping more a little faster, (diabetes can be a blessing, in my case it is).....

So i'm finally at this point completely off antidepressants, and feeling good mentally,,sort of, the weight, well i was still about 350 pounds and some of you KNOW the feeling of that, the humiliation of having to ride the bus and no one wants to sit next to you,, feeling like no matter what you eat your being judged, unable to fit "skinny people" clothes in the normal store and when you do find clothes, they always have flowers all over them, what the hell is that about?? and are polyester blend, unfashionable and have the nerve to cost a zillion dollars!! Lord to be able to buy a shirt for 10 bucks that doesn't have a print!! Let the larger choir say amen!!

where was i?? o yeah.. i was about 350 and off the anti drugs, and my therapist concludes,, why they didn't treat you as post partum depressed i'll never know, but your not bi-polar, depressed probably yes, i mean for goodness sake, of course i'm depressed!! ugh.. so we embark on regular talk therapy which has done wonders for me!! I highly recommend it!! nothing like someone impartial to vent to. Someone on your side all the time,, lets just overlook the fact were paying them to be on our side and take what we can get when we get it!! ok back to the weight loss it's getting onto the winter months now and i was walking on an outdoor track. I liked it because it was private and i was loath to walk in my own neighborhood for fear of ooglers and gawkers, so i was nervous because i didn't know what i was going to do. I was afraid to join a co ed gym, plus i'm broke, and i didn't know what to do, i had a girlfriend who at a petite 270 wanted to lose some weight, talked me into joining the local ymca.

Now you already KNOW how i felt about a co-ed gym, but i was feeling pretty good and they had income based fee and walking in the snow and ice was NOT an option...so i figured i could find their slow time and just walk on the treadmill. We joined Jan 2,2009, and little was i to know, there i found my godsend and drill sargeant, Tish. They were running a 'biggest loser" thing for the new yr, i didn't want to join, but pressure from my friend, a 15 dollar fee and free personal training for the 2 months of the contest with the trainer of your choice, how could i NOT take advantage of that!!

On January, 2,2009, i weighed in for the contest at 334. Hmm id lost 50 pounds just by walking and diet change it seemed within 4 months or so, i was feeling optimistic, i didn't want to win mind you because the winner got their picture posted in the gym for all to see.. I mean the 3 months free and tshirt woulda been nice; and another 3 personal training sessions, but that whole picture thing.. i just was not feeling it,, if you get my drift.. i did work hard though, i continued walking, and Tish required i come to the gym for training 3 times a week. She had me add a protein shake and things were going good. too good, did i mention i have arthritis in both knees, had surgery on the right one (meniscus tear) and now the left one was hurting AND my right foot, i go to the doctor and turns out, i need surgery on my right foot, and on my left knee!! (another meniscus tear!) i decided to wait until close to end of the challenge and have the surgeries one after another. I had the foot surgery and was still going to the gym,, doing elliptical with a pin that went from tip of my baby toe to middle of my foot to hold it straight!! It was gross now that i think back on it.

Lo and behold!! I won the challenge,, i weighed in at 304 on march 1st,2009, i won 3 months membership, a tshirt, an awful picture on the wall, and lost a friend, who over the course of the 2 months lost only 5 pounds compared to my 30 and felt i had somehow "changed" and we were supposed to be doing it together(as if i left her behind), as if i made her eat zingers and cold stone ice cream and xtra large portions of chicken fingers and french fries, while i sat next to her and suffered through dry chicken breast on wheat and broccoli!!(shudders). sighhh... anyway (boy i say that a lot!!), i digress,

This is getting long for a first post but i did want to fill you in as much as i could think of, I hate stories that begin in the middle, they leave you with so many questions!! but ask away and if i can or choose i'll answer them, i'll talk more about my past journey as well as my thoughts and day to day stuff, as you can see i'm a rambler.. so much to say and so little time to say it,, anyways, i'm sure your dying to hear about my time at a diet website and the wonderful friends i made there, and more about the friend who ditched me because i'm losing more than her, my trainer Tish, my kids, my money and weight problems, my reentry into school and various other facets of my boring poor life.