Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, August 31, 2009

The obsessive mind...

I woke up this morning thinking; as usual. Last night before bed i read all about stress and weight. Turns out theres a lot of information on its true. It can effect my diabetes, it causes your body to create more cortisol which slows your metabolism and causes fatigue and cravings and my hair is already falling out from the rapid weight loss, If i add stress to it, Imma be bald ontop of it. Ive come to realize,Im a super stresser and If anyone has stress weight it's me, faced with shut off notices, less money coming in than bills that go out, food and family issues, Me re-entering school full time, trying to squeeze in workouts 4 days a week and walking 7 days, It all gets to be mind boggling, I don't get much sleep and when i do, its broken, so what am i supposed to do? None of those things are going away anytime soon so how do you get away from it? I tried relaxation to fall asleep last night, It didn't work as i didn't fall asleep until after 12 and i set alarm for 6 so i could walk, well between bathroom breaks and tossing and turning,well lets just say, not enough sleep again.
So i decided to cut my walk out and get a few extra moments of rest, it didnt work, after 15 minutes i realized. Shit.. trying not to walk is stressing me even more, guilt about not walking, then i start thinking about bills, needless to say i figured i may as well walk. It's stressin me also about my knees, bieng fat for so long has all but ruined them. Arthritis and 2 knee surgeries and now pain. I seem to have aggravated it by working out to much or too hard so im on pain pills (which don't help) and under orders to slow down my workouts considerably.
Thats akin to saying your going to cut off my arm!! Im up 10 pounds!! Doesn't he know if i lay off the exercise by next week i could be 300 lbs again!! (this is the way the fat mind works) Doesn't he understand every pound gained in our mind is 10, I can't go back there!! I told my trainer what he said and i will slow down but it makes me wanna cry. The fear of gaining weight is = to the fear of not losing anymore weight.. No spinning today sigh.. OMG!!! have any of you ever tried spinning!! My crotch felt like hamburger!! Those little seats were just not made for big assess... They should make a big cushiony seat for us don't you think? I mean i know the point isn't to sit, but I have bad knees so although my trainer says i can spin she prefers me to sit n just pedal the whole class as fast as i can. Trust me! Bad knees or not after about 10 minutes of that torturous seat my ass was up trying to pedal through hill climb on 3!!! The sweat and workout is unbelievable though i must admit. If only my body wasn't betraying me. Well here i am blogging when i should be packing up my laptop and heading to school. So off i go. I havent planned out my food for today yet. I'll add and update that later.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you need a vacation from it all *hugs*. Hope things start getting better.