Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

can you binge on watermelon??

Good morning all, been a couple days since i posted, Ive been very busy, but i know all 5000 people who read this surely missed me. (joking) Anyways, it was a hard weekend foodwise, Firstly my church requested i make baked mac and cheese for our international dinner. It was missions week this week and at the end we always have this. Well the last time i made my 8 cheese baked mac and cheese was about that long ago. I decided i would just make it and drop it off, this avoiding all the food. That didn't work out, they needed me to serve at the soul food table. I tried, i really really tried!

The good: I ate a crapload of watermelon...

The bad: i also ate other stuff.....

The Ugly: I ate fried chicken, greens, baked mac and cheese, i visited the greek table and had various greek stuff i cant name,, I visited the dessert table and had a brownie AND pound cake, did i mention before i went i even ate a heaping bowl of turkey chili so i wouldn't eat anything there?? ugh!!

after that i went hope and swore i would walk for 2 miles at the least. umm in my dreams.. i promptly took my fat arse to sleep.. ahhh well...

the next fews days will be better im sure,, a good session with my therapist helped a little.. i think..

the next day i cut up and ate an entire watermelon. It just kept calling me, i was eatting it while i slept,, i would go pee then stand in front of the fridge half sleep eatting watermelon chunks,, which made me have to pee within a half hour again,, which meant i was back at the fridge.. can binging on watermelon truly be called a binge?? who binges on healthy stuff?? im a disgrace to bingers everywhere...

ok i took sum benadryl for allergies and im sleepy now and suspect im rambling in a not good way.. until i can speak coherently.. (did i really just try that word?) i will go to sleep...

ever yours...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Weight loss tips that help me along the way

Hey everyone, Last night as i was browsing blogs on my list while i had a few moments. I stopped by "less of Lisa's" page (check my bloglist on right) It really inspires me because i identify with her and her struggles. I don't necessarily binge, I just ate awful in general and was a closet eatter But i do understand a lot of her pain and frustration over the weight,Frustration with trying things that don't work, Life wanting to beat you down every step of the way, Im sure so many of us understand that, our struggles are basically the same. after reading it, and thinking about my journey and my girlfriends journey (see the blog "fixing myself thinner" also on the right) it inspired me to write a list of sorts of things and mental atitudes that really helped me along the way.

1. I stopped thinking diet, i figured i'd just do the best i could and the hell with the rest. Sometimes we get all excited and want it off right now, we bite off more than we can chew and at the first mistake we give up as too hard.

2. I decided to move a little more, 1 step at a time, instead of yelling for the kids to get the remote, i got up myself and got it.

3. there's no such thing as too little, it ALL add's up and matters. If i eat a whopper and throw away the last bite, or break a tiny piece off first n toss it(cause we know the last bite is ALWAYS the best) it matters!! Just think if i eat a whopper 3 days a week and toss 1 bite of it each time, in a month, ill have saved over 1000 calories.. thats 1000 calories that aren't stuck to my thighs right?

4.If i wanted it, i ate it but the rule was i had to make 1 change to it. If i normally got ice cream with whipped cream, and nuts and hot fudge, I got rid of the nuts. Or if i normally ate 12 wings, i would try and eat 11, if i couldn't, id at least remove the skin like i said NOTHING is to small,

5. If your obbsessed with adding calories, do it backwards, count all the calories you DON'T eat, like if u don't finish a meal, or actually decide u dont feel like those chips. As those calories add up,, you'll begin to want to add to them,, make the number bigger!! I swear it works lol. (for a while anyways

6. Never tell yourself you have to stop eatting anything!! If you do decide to drop things, do it 1 at a time, slowly!! I gave up regular soda first. I started trying different brands of diet, just to see and discovered although i loved pepsi and hated coke, i liked diet coke. go figure, so i occassionally subbed 1 for the other and eventually i wasn't drinking pepsi anymore.

7.ADD BREAKFAST!! even if it's just a piece of toast.

There are more tiny steps that lead to big steps and i'll add them as they occur to me. I think the important thing to remember is, give yourself credit, it's ok to mess up, just don't give up on yourself, you ARE worthy of having everything you desire, you ARE going to have ups and downs like everyone else, you ARE going to have days where you say, to hell with this. you ARE allowed!! It's the beating yourself up that takes time, energy and ultimately makes things worse. STOP THAT!!

Ok, climbs down off my soapbox n gets ready for school.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

reflections into my relationship with food... (shudder)

Hey fellow bloggers, man I'm exhausted the gym is brutal!! I'm so excited!!! I got comments!!!! Lol ty guys.

 Firstly, I gave a lot of thought to talking to him about my issues. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or even how too but while texting him late last night it kinda came out. Sigh... Yes I sent him texts about my feelings, while he was asleep at that, so he didn't get them till this morning. He didn't mention them so I asked was he angry, he said no, I had somethin to say and I said it,(I detected a lil tude in that statement) I said, sooooo any thoughts? He said "no" then he said he couldn't really talk. (He was at work). I've spoken to him several times over the day and twice he's been home but he hasn't mentioned it. I must say though, even if he never mentions it, I feel better because I've gotten it out, he knows how I feel. I guess it's up to him what he does with it.

Next issue, I had a good session with my therapist, we talked a lot about my food issues. I believe I have developed a fear of food, to me in my brain food equals bad. If I gain my brain immediately says stop eatting. Nevermind most days I'm barely making 1500 calories. Nevermind the weight I've lost. Nevermind I'd probably lose better if I ate more but I just don't trust food or myself with food. My brain REFUSES to understand or accept the ida that more food is something good. Weren't we always told to stop eatting so much? And that's why we were fat. How do you undo that? I don't recall hearing about eatting more. All I'm able to see is the 385 pound me. So I think like a 385 pd. Woman. Stop eatting!!! There's no such thing as "good fat" .(in my brain anyways)

We discussed what would happen if I ever made it to my goal of 190 pounds. Well I thought about it and realized, if I gained say 5 pounds, I'd swear I was on my way to 385 again and stop eatting, but who can stay at a steady weight without an up and down right? I'd probably panic and stop eatting again till I got to 180 where I'd feel safe. Then if I gained a few pounds I'd probably get scared and decide I needed to be at 170. Do u see a cycle?? I do. I gained from 246 to 255, I was so stressed I was about in tears and I put my scale in the basement. I'm literally terrified of my scale right now. Afraid ill get on it and it'll say 265. At the same time I'm afraid to not get on it and not notice I'm on my way back to 300+ (so far the fear of the gain is winning, I won't even look at the scale) Sigh if I'm not very very careful I could become anorexic, weighing 100 pounds and insisting I'm still too fat.. Going from one eatting extreme to another.. Lord who knew all this fat carried so much damn baggage..

Well as always I've babbled a lot but not said half of what I wanted.. I hope to update everything, this weekend if I get a chance.. I do keep a workout journal for those interested in the work I do with my trainer, she's awesome!! 80 pounds gone in 8 months with her. I love that she's encouraging, she doesn't put a "time pressure" on me. She sets out to work each muscle group or cardio session and if it takes you 5 hours, you'll be there 5 hours or adding it to your next day, which you learn quickly you do not wanna do!! I was truly blessed to have met her, She is also a nutritionist, doesn't believe in "diets" she believes in moderation, healthy eatting and exercise. Im on a very low income and although she trains me 3-4 days a week, she seldom if ever asks me for money. She truly just happens to be someone who LOVES what she does. She also encourages me, gave me her cell phone number, one day i was sitting outside mcdonalds and called her lol about to have a quarter pounder with cheese attack. You guys know the cycle, ida ate it,large fry, probably added a cheeseburger and soda, then felt horrible!!! She talked, i whined and begged but we compromised, i got grilled chic sandwhich and salad, but i got to have an ice cream cone lol. Not exactly the QP but still it was nice to know i could find a healthier compromise to what i thought i wanted. I also ask for nutrition menus EVERYWHERE!! even if they dont have one to give you ask for thier copy. Trust me, a lot of the stuff you eat, you'll quickly decide its not worth it!! salt, salt, salt!! fat!! calories!! even the so called healthy stuff.
damn did it again,, got to babbling... bye till tomorrow.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Blue Day..

Well, here i am on amtrak just zipping along as such. I'm still feeling melancholy and weepy and blue and im not sure why. It's making me crave food, i don't know why,, normally im not a comfort eatter, when i get upset my throat closes and i feel stress and can't eat but for some reason now all i can think of is potatoe chips, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, (God how i LOVE mashed potatoes) fried chicken, a candy bar, ice cream, well you get the picture. I guess its a really good thing im on this train huh. Good thing i only packed grapes, apple sauce and salad n stuff huh. sighh...

Tomorrow i go back to the gym, to school to stress as usual. I also get to see my therapist again whom i haven't seen in 2 months. Possibly i have anxiety over that. I find myself not telling her everything, Why?? she's a stranger, she's paid to not have an opinion right?? So why do i care enough about her opinion to lie to the person whos supposed to help me sort out the stuff i shouldn't be lying about? Lord do i have mega issues!! Why do i have this obsessive need to be liked by everyone? I often put on a brave "i dont care" front. But i do care, i care very much. Im tired of bieng invisible, i want to be liked and fawned over and noticed like the popular people. I think..

I think deep down i know that's not really me,, but i wish it was you know. I wish i was the kind of person who everyone flocked around and needed to be with but the sad truth is. If i got that, i'd probably be running for the nearest ditch to hide out in. Full camo gear and a stun gun for any who got too close. How can such different thoughts and wants and needs all be wrapped up in 1 psychy?

Maybe it's a validation issue, kind of how men have that whole ritual head nod at one another thing. It says, "hey dude" your accepted as one of us all in a simple gesture without words or preable or the need to invade one anothers space. Why don't we have that? A womanly eyebrow raise or shoulder twitch or something!! Anything that says,, Looking good sis, do your thing...

o well, i guess imma do my thing on this train, suck a grape and pretend its a.... aww hell who'm i kidding,, you can't pretend a grape is anything but a grape lol. sighh..

toodles until later..

Off topic... But on...sex and the fatty self image

Happy labor day all, As this was a long weekend and i wasn't in town i decided to forego blogging to spend time with my sweety. Which brings me to my off topic but on topic thing. Long distance relationships are hard, and bieng that this is my very first one, its exspecially hard, combine that with a "in-between fatty" terrible self image and it can be down right depressing. Let me explain.

I came to see my sweety for the weekend, As im about to start my classes Oct. 5th and will have very limited time, this is possibly the last long weekend i'd b able to spend with him for a long time. I expected lots of quality time, and yes sex also. Needless to say i didn't get that, The first day was understandable, he had to work 2 jobs and was tired, we did fit sex in, (which i initiated) and i went out shopping on my own. 2nd day, i went out shopping on my own again as he didnt want to go. I was a little bummed about that but ok, so we'd have quality time later right? Wrong, we watched a movie, which bored me, we were supposed to go for a walk but since i was bored by the movie, much to his small protesting, i initiated sex again. Then he promptly fell asleep sigh. End of day 2, ok so yesterday, my last day, were going to spend it together right?? I had to go to store for a few things for lunch on the train, i asked him to come, he wouldn't. So i went alone, he insists it was so i could learn my way around the city.. Thats bullshit in my opinion, i dont give a flying f*&^ about the city, i wanted to be with him. Soo i did that and came back. I wanted to have sex, man do i sound like a nympho? ugh, it really wasn't like that,, ok the first 2 were quickys, what i was looking for as you ladies know was real intimacy, where i felt like we had time to be together physically and mentally, where i felt like he wanted ME.. not just that i wanted him, you know what i mean? I began to feel like i was always initiating, so i decided to let him intitiate it. He never did. I'm feeling kind of hurt, I feel like maybe he doesn't find me attractive or want me and that maybe he just has sex with me to make me happy. I don't want pity sex!!! I mean here you have a willing woman, ready to do anything you want,, and you don't want it. Thats what all men complain they don't have and wish they did right?? I mean here's your woman in town for possibly the last time for a while. I would have expected to be fighting him off..Now your gonna ask,, did i let him know, well, I did mention it sort of, ok i said, "lets watch porn and you can give me a massage" he said,, "go eat". He did give me the massage but it was like my granny was giving it to me as non sexual as could be, i just made him stop and disgusted, got up and went in the other room. I didn't want to initiate again cuz i would have felt again he was doing it because i wanted to, at the same time, i couldn't say hey, don't you find me attractive, that would have been humiliating and to top it off worse if he would've tried to have sex with me after that. I would've felt like it was "pity sex"

Is it the insecurity in me making a big deal over it?? Not the insecurity of him cheating but it's an overwhelming sense of he doesn't want me because im disgusting or something,, Like i feel like if my body was sexier he would want me. He doesn't look at me like that or touch me like that. It hurts and i KNOW it's mostly just me bieng overly sensitive about my body but i dunno, i don't think i'll ever get over it. Will i ever have self esteem, will i ever stop blaming things on my weight and how my body looks?? Maybe he just doesn't like sex that much. Maybe he's under stress, Maybe he feels like im taking advantage of him.. It could be a thousand reasons but my heart and mind latch on to and scream..""ITS BECAUSE YOUR FAT AND UGLY""....

I haven't weighed in over a week now, because im afraid, im afraid i'll step on the scale and be 300 again. Or moving up, I feel like ive lost as much as i can and now im stuck and im scared. Sigh, bieng fat sucks soooo immensly bad, you can lose the weight but not the issues. Self image is important and anyone who says its not isn't honest with themselves or everyone else.

well i may or not blog from from the train, if so, see you then,, if not,, i'll probably be back on track tomorrow,, my only option is to keep moving foreward right.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Jealousy, Weight loss and food issues, O my..

It's been a hellish 2 days, I dont even know where to begin. Thursday was a blur of activity as i planned on going away this weekend. To visit a friend and get V some school clothes. Because the train was inflexible i opted to take greyhound to philadelphia, I mean it's thursday night right? how bad can it be? It was 6 hours of pure HELL!!!.. They ended up needing 3 buses, i got stuck beside a chatty guy who's chatter wasn't the good kind, I ended up in the isle seat and i was traveling at night. with only 2 good hours of sleep for the past 24 hours. I'll spare you the details but lets just say i would NOT recommend a bus trip anytime soon people!!

Im still really exhausted as i did a lot today!! I know i owe 2 days worth of food and exercise, i have been writing it down so im going to post it, also since i do exercise a lot, im thinking of separating the exercise into its own little blog. I signed up for the Strong man/ Strong woman contest in our gym. A moment of insanity i assure you!! Im still dealing with whole "biggest loser" thing. I don't want to win but im afraid to lose. Does that make any sense? Im also feeling a little weird about it because of the whole "Brea"  situation.

She was a really good friend, we'll sort of like family, anyways when i was 385 and she was about 280, She talked me into joining the gym and we did the biggest loser together, as i said before i had started losing before that and i guess my "walking" (cuz thats all i could do then) motivated her too. It was the new year and getting ready for snow, so we joined. (i usually walked an outdoor track) Im not gonna go into the back story on the biggest loser, its in my first post if anyone cares to read it. Anywho, we decided since we had different schedules we would work out at different times, we talked and planned our schedules WITH the trainer together. Everything was going pretty ok until the end of the contest, we weighed in together, as a matter of fact, we had hung out together all that day. I lost 30 pounds, she lost 4. She hasn't spoken to me since then. She started avoiding me and barely speaking, I knew something was wrong and figured it was because i won the contest but wasn't sure but then she told our trainer tish and other people that we started it together and i guess she felt like i left her behind or doing something behind her back, last weekend my mom asked her what was going on and she told my mom i changed!!

Im like WHOAAA ,  first off, we were fine, if i changed why were we still friendly up until day of final weigh in?? You don't speak to me anymore so how can u say i'm the one that changed? Dont you have to be actually around and speaking to a person to notice a change??  As far as doing it together goes, we made different workout schedules together!! She had my number if she needed help or needed to do extra exercise or walking or whatever but noooo..

Let me explain something to you all, bieng fat ultimately is about choices, we have choices in everything we do, yes i bitch and moan about you skinny heffers who can eat anything and not gain an ounce.. but the reality is i DO gain and so my choices are either;to bitch and moan about YOU, or get my shit together and do what i need to do for ME. Bitching and moanng never lost me a pound. The sooner we accept that no matter how much whining we do,, or how many surgerys a person gets, unless you accept whatever it is that made you fat, wether its not eatting enough and badly (aka the fat anorexic) or bingeing or just plain eatting. Wether its glands or an illness IT DOESN'T MATTER!! What matters is you make the effort to correct it, the best way you can and until you embrace it and face it,, you cant replace it with a healthier thinner and prayerfully more sane you!! . Noone can do that for you but you,, It took me a long time to get here. Im determined, Im focused, Im scared and often frustrated but i keep moving foreward because backwards is not an option for me at this point. Ask yourself where are you in this journey and accept the choice you've made for you..(off the soapbox now i think) whew,, wonder how many calories that as worth??

Where was i?? O yeah,, anyways we did stuff together like go out to eat, while i would order whole wheat and grilled,, she would order chicken fingers and fries,, while i would skip the ice cream, she'd buy a large.. We're both over 30,, i can't hold your hand like a child. You have to want to do this for you. We live 2 doors from one another and she's the mother of my nephew and we don't even speak anymore. Thursday she walked past me and turned her head away. We still work out at the same gym although at different times but when we encounter each other on the odd day im running late it's weird and full of avoided glances and silence.. When full courses for school kick in, i'll be at the gym with her at the same time, using the same trainer. Id be lieing if i didnt say the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable and worried,, i dont like conflict but im not the one with the issue. As i said,, I know this is for me and not her and i should just keep doing what i do and i will. Backwards is NOT an option for me..Sighhh this whole situation sucks!!  .Jealousy is such an ugly ugly thing...

man i ramble,, see what happens when i miss days?? This is getting too long, I havent had much chance to do calories and there's more i want to say but i"ll save it for tomorrow.

I started this blog for theraputic reasons, to vent, keep track and have a record of this journey somewhere, I never needed it to be popular or anything but right now i wish there were more people reading it just because i really need input on this situation.. sigghhh.. ahh well im gonna post my workout to the left and maybe tomorrow i can update food . Im beat<< maybe i'll do updates tomorro,, its after midnight yet again....

until then.. ever chatty

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Has anyone seen my extra hours??

Man o man,i need more hours in a day!! I'm having a bad week, i get up 6 for to have breakfast for school, go to school, from school to gym, at the gym my trainer talks me into joining the biggest loser,, because apparently i need to defend my title.. sigh.. ok when i did first one, i was 334, going from sedentary to moving, fat fell away like well, hot fat lmaoo... Now its more like taffy,, it stretches till you thoink its gonna break the BAM!! it snaps back again!! So im on a gain/plateau and weight loss challenge is not hi on my prioritys,, but i do it anyways,, then she damn near kills me.. i mean whats a fat girl with 2 knee surgerys and arthritis doing at 3.9 on a treadmill at an incline!!! One of us is gonna die during this challenge i just know it..
next i have to pick up hubby because he got off early and with 1 car, im now 3 hours late (notice i didnt mention lunch sigh... i have a girlfriend with me so i pick him up, we drop her off, go to grocery store, cash his pitiful check thats 500 less than what we need to live, go to the bank, then home.. ahhh blessed home, a sandwhich, and large salad and i can relax right??

NOT!!!! my daughter informs me they need me in the mass choir,, so im on my way to the church, trying to do homework and sing "yet praise him" ironic isnt it?? I thought so to.. then my daughter twists her knee (its 9 pm by this time) and so off to the emergency room we go. We get there and its like a friday night at the club and topless women are a special or something.. Im like wth!! its a childrens hospital so i pull up a chair the size of only 1 of my ass cheeks and sit at a table i could wear as a bib if i had straps for it and attempt to do my homework.. sighhh 3 hours later!! She STILL hasnt been seen!! I call my husband and yell SWITCHHH!! so he came and got me and is sitting there with her while i came home,, alas sleep is elusive and no point seeing as how when theyre done, guess who gets to go get them?? that would be me,, who also has to get up at 5:45 to get in the 2 miles i didn't get in today...

Tomorrow im packing a lunch!! my food for today was dismal to say the least.. Im probably one of the few people on earth who packs on pounds from bieng to busy to eat.. ever hear the term fat anorexic??

Breakfast: 2 pieces french toast, 2 oz turkey sausage

Lunch?: Turkey sandwhich on lite wheat,(2 slices lite wheat,1 slice 2%cheese,miricle whip, lettuce)  large salad (lots of baby spinich and romaine mix, toouch of shredded cheese and lite dressing)..yeah i know but i was tired and it was quickest..

Dinner:ummmm not happenin...

pre and post workout protien shakes..(just powder and water)

Snack: 2 bananas and some grapes

well im going to close my eyes as im sure the moment i do that the phone will ring and they'll say theyre ready.. until tomorrows fresh hell
hugs, blessings and xtra hours all around...