Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, September 7, 2009

Blue Day..

Well, here i am on amtrak just zipping along as such. I'm still feeling melancholy and weepy and blue and im not sure why. It's making me crave food, i don't know why,, normally im not a comfort eatter, when i get upset my throat closes and i feel stress and can't eat but for some reason now all i can think of is potatoe chips, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, (God how i LOVE mashed potatoes) fried chicken, a candy bar, ice cream, well you get the picture. I guess its a really good thing im on this train huh. Good thing i only packed grapes, apple sauce and salad n stuff huh. sighh...

Tomorrow i go back to the gym, to school to stress as usual. I also get to see my therapist again whom i haven't seen in 2 months. Possibly i have anxiety over that. I find myself not telling her everything, Why?? she's a stranger, she's paid to not have an opinion right?? So why do i care enough about her opinion to lie to the person whos supposed to help me sort out the stuff i shouldn't be lying about? Lord do i have mega issues!! Why do i have this obsessive need to be liked by everyone? I often put on a brave "i dont care" front. But i do care, i care very much. Im tired of bieng invisible, i want to be liked and fawned over and noticed like the popular people. I think..

I think deep down i know that's not really me,, but i wish it was you know. I wish i was the kind of person who everyone flocked around and needed to be with but the sad truth is. If i got that, i'd probably be running for the nearest ditch to hide out in. Full camo gear and a stun gun for any who got too close. How can such different thoughts and wants and needs all be wrapped up in 1 psychy?

Maybe it's a validation issue, kind of how men have that whole ritual head nod at one another thing. It says, "hey dude" your accepted as one of us all in a simple gesture without words or preable or the need to invade one anothers space. Why don't we have that? A womanly eyebrow raise or shoulder twitch or something!! Anything that says,, Looking good sis, do your thing...

o well, i guess imma do my thing on this train, suck a grape and pretend its a.... aww hell who'm i kidding,, you can't pretend a grape is anything but a grape lol. sighh..

toodles until later..


  1. Sorry your visit didn't go as well as you wanted it to. I would definitely tell your therapist everything she is there to help you. I was that way at first too and held stuff in but I found telling him made things better. Hope today is a better day. I would definitely talk to the bf too about your feelings so you can find out what's going on with him. Sounds like he just has a lot on his own plate.

  2. I too am sorry your visit wasn't what you had hoped.