Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Jealousy, Weight loss and food issues, O my..

It's been a hellish 2 days, I dont even know where to begin. Thursday was a blur of activity as i planned on going away this weekend. To visit a friend and get V some school clothes. Because the train was inflexible i opted to take greyhound to philadelphia, I mean it's thursday night right? how bad can it be? It was 6 hours of pure HELL!!!.. They ended up needing 3 buses, i got stuck beside a chatty guy who's chatter wasn't the good kind, I ended up in the isle seat and i was traveling at night. with only 2 good hours of sleep for the past 24 hours. I'll spare you the details but lets just say i would NOT recommend a bus trip anytime soon people!!

Im still really exhausted as i did a lot today!! I know i owe 2 days worth of food and exercise, i have been writing it down so im going to post it, also since i do exercise a lot, im thinking of separating the exercise into its own little blog. I signed up for the Strong man/ Strong woman contest in our gym. A moment of insanity i assure you!! Im still dealing with whole "biggest loser" thing. I don't want to win but im afraid to lose. Does that make any sense? Im also feeling a little weird about it because of the whole "Brea"  situation.

She was a really good friend, we'll sort of like family, anyways when i was 385 and she was about 280, She talked me into joining the gym and we did the biggest loser together, as i said before i had started losing before that and i guess my "walking" (cuz thats all i could do then) motivated her too. It was the new year and getting ready for snow, so we joined. (i usually walked an outdoor track) Im not gonna go into the back story on the biggest loser, its in my first post if anyone cares to read it. Anywho, we decided since we had different schedules we would work out at different times, we talked and planned our schedules WITH the trainer together. Everything was going pretty ok until the end of the contest, we weighed in together, as a matter of fact, we had hung out together all that day. I lost 30 pounds, she lost 4. She hasn't spoken to me since then. She started avoiding me and barely speaking, I knew something was wrong and figured it was because i won the contest but wasn't sure but then she told our trainer tish and other people that we started it together and i guess she felt like i left her behind or doing something behind her back, last weekend my mom asked her what was going on and she told my mom i changed!!

Im like WHOAAA ,  first off, we were fine, if i changed why were we still friendly up until day of final weigh in?? You don't speak to me anymore so how can u say i'm the one that changed? Dont you have to be actually around and speaking to a person to notice a change??  As far as doing it together goes, we made different workout schedules together!! She had my number if she needed help or needed to do extra exercise or walking or whatever but noooo..

Let me explain something to you all, bieng fat ultimately is about choices, we have choices in everything we do, yes i bitch and moan about you skinny heffers who can eat anything and not gain an ounce.. but the reality is i DO gain and so my choices are either;to bitch and moan about YOU, or get my shit together and do what i need to do for ME. Bitching and moanng never lost me a pound. The sooner we accept that no matter how much whining we do,, or how many surgerys a person gets, unless you accept whatever it is that made you fat, wether its not eatting enough and badly (aka the fat anorexic) or bingeing or just plain eatting. Wether its glands or an illness IT DOESN'T MATTER!! What matters is you make the effort to correct it, the best way you can and until you embrace it and face it,, you cant replace it with a healthier thinner and prayerfully more sane you!! . Noone can do that for you but you,, It took me a long time to get here. Im determined, Im focused, Im scared and often frustrated but i keep moving foreward because backwards is not an option for me at this point. Ask yourself where are you in this journey and accept the choice you've made for you..(off the soapbox now i think) whew,, wonder how many calories that as worth??

Where was i?? O yeah,, anyways we did stuff together like go out to eat, while i would order whole wheat and grilled,, she would order chicken fingers and fries,, while i would skip the ice cream, she'd buy a large.. We're both over 30,, i can't hold your hand like a child. You have to want to do this for you. We live 2 doors from one another and she's the mother of my nephew and we don't even speak anymore. Thursday she walked past me and turned her head away. We still work out at the same gym although at different times but when we encounter each other on the odd day im running late it's weird and full of avoided glances and silence.. When full courses for school kick in, i'll be at the gym with her at the same time, using the same trainer. Id be lieing if i didnt say the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable and worried,, i dont like conflict but im not the one with the issue. As i said,, I know this is for me and not her and i should just keep doing what i do and i will. Backwards is NOT an option for me..Sighhh this whole situation sucks!!  .Jealousy is such an ugly ugly thing...

man i ramble,, see what happens when i miss days?? This is getting too long, I havent had much chance to do calories and there's more i want to say but i"ll save it for tomorrow.

I started this blog for theraputic reasons, to vent, keep track and have a record of this journey somewhere, I never needed it to be popular or anything but right now i wish there were more people reading it just because i really need input on this situation.. sigghhh.. ahh well im gonna post my workout to the left and maybe tomorrow i can update food . Im beat<< maybe i'll do updates tomorro,, its after midnight yet again....

until then.. ever chatty

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