Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, September 7, 2009

Off topic... But on...sex and the fatty self image

Happy labor day all, As this was a long weekend and i wasn't in town i decided to forego blogging to spend time with my sweety. Which brings me to my off topic but on topic thing. Long distance relationships are hard, and bieng that this is my very first one, its exspecially hard, combine that with a "in-between fatty" terrible self image and it can be down right depressing. Let me explain.

I came to see my sweety for the weekend, As im about to start my classes Oct. 5th and will have very limited time, this is possibly the last long weekend i'd b able to spend with him for a long time. I expected lots of quality time, and yes sex also. Needless to say i didn't get that, The first day was understandable, he had to work 2 jobs and was tired, we did fit sex in, (which i initiated) and i went out shopping on my own. 2nd day, i went out shopping on my own again as he didnt want to go. I was a little bummed about that but ok, so we'd have quality time later right? Wrong, we watched a movie, which bored me, we were supposed to go for a walk but since i was bored by the movie, much to his small protesting, i initiated sex again. Then he promptly fell asleep sigh. End of day 2, ok so yesterday, my last day, were going to spend it together right?? I had to go to store for a few things for lunch on the train, i asked him to come, he wouldn't. So i went alone, he insists it was so i could learn my way around the city.. Thats bullshit in my opinion, i dont give a flying f*&^ about the city, i wanted to be with him. Soo i did that and came back. I wanted to have sex, man do i sound like a nympho? ugh, it really wasn't like that,, ok the first 2 were quickys, what i was looking for as you ladies know was real intimacy, where i felt like we had time to be together physically and mentally, where i felt like he wanted ME.. not just that i wanted him, you know what i mean? I began to feel like i was always initiating, so i decided to let him intitiate it. He never did. I'm feeling kind of hurt, I feel like maybe he doesn't find me attractive or want me and that maybe he just has sex with me to make me happy. I don't want pity sex!!! I mean here you have a willing woman, ready to do anything you want,, and you don't want it. Thats what all men complain they don't have and wish they did right?? I mean here's your woman in town for possibly the last time for a while. I would have expected to be fighting him off..Now your gonna ask,, did i let him know, well, I did mention it sort of, ok i said, "lets watch porn and you can give me a massage" he said,, "go eat". He did give me the massage but it was like my granny was giving it to me as non sexual as could be, i just made him stop and disgusted, got up and went in the other room. I didn't want to initiate again cuz i would have felt again he was doing it because i wanted to, at the same time, i couldn't say hey, don't you find me attractive, that would have been humiliating and to top it off worse if he would've tried to have sex with me after that. I would've felt like it was "pity sex"

Is it the insecurity in me making a big deal over it?? Not the insecurity of him cheating but it's an overwhelming sense of he doesn't want me because im disgusting or something,, Like i feel like if my body was sexier he would want me. He doesn't look at me like that or touch me like that. It hurts and i KNOW it's mostly just me bieng overly sensitive about my body but i dunno, i don't think i'll ever get over it. Will i ever have self esteem, will i ever stop blaming things on my weight and how my body looks?? Maybe he just doesn't like sex that much. Maybe he's under stress, Maybe he feels like im taking advantage of him.. It could be a thousand reasons but my heart and mind latch on to and scream..""ITS BECAUSE YOUR FAT AND UGLY""....

I haven't weighed in over a week now, because im afraid, im afraid i'll step on the scale and be 300 again. Or moving up, I feel like ive lost as much as i can and now im stuck and im scared. Sigh, bieng fat sucks soooo immensly bad, you can lose the weight but not the issues. Self image is important and anyone who says its not isn't honest with themselves or everyone else.

well i may or not blog from from the train, if so, see you then,, if not,, i'll probably be back on track tomorrow,, my only option is to keep moving foreward right.

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