Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

reflections into my relationship with food... (shudder)

Hey fellow bloggers, man I'm exhausted the gym is brutal!! I'm so excited!!! I got comments!!!! Lol ty guys.

 Firstly, I gave a lot of thought to talking to him about my issues. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or even how too but while texting him late last night it kinda came out. Sigh... Yes I sent him texts about my feelings, while he was asleep at that, so he didn't get them till this morning. He didn't mention them so I asked was he angry, he said no, I had somethin to say and I said it,(I detected a lil tude in that statement) I said, sooooo any thoughts? He said "no" then he said he couldn't really talk. (He was at work). I've spoken to him several times over the day and twice he's been home but he hasn't mentioned it. I must say though, even if he never mentions it, I feel better because I've gotten it out, he knows how I feel. I guess it's up to him what he does with it.

Next issue, I had a good session with my therapist, we talked a lot about my food issues. I believe I have developed a fear of food, to me in my brain food equals bad. If I gain my brain immediately says stop eatting. Nevermind most days I'm barely making 1500 calories. Nevermind the weight I've lost. Nevermind I'd probably lose better if I ate more but I just don't trust food or myself with food. My brain REFUSES to understand or accept the ida that more food is something good. Weren't we always told to stop eatting so much? And that's why we were fat. How do you undo that? I don't recall hearing about eatting more. All I'm able to see is the 385 pound me. So I think like a 385 pd. Woman. Stop eatting!!! There's no such thing as "good fat" .(in my brain anyways)

We discussed what would happen if I ever made it to my goal of 190 pounds. Well I thought about it and realized, if I gained say 5 pounds, I'd swear I was on my way to 385 again and stop eatting, but who can stay at a steady weight without an up and down right? I'd probably panic and stop eatting again till I got to 180 where I'd feel safe. Then if I gained a few pounds I'd probably get scared and decide I needed to be at 170. Do u see a cycle?? I do. I gained from 246 to 255, I was so stressed I was about in tears and I put my scale in the basement. I'm literally terrified of my scale right now. Afraid ill get on it and it'll say 265. At the same time I'm afraid to not get on it and not notice I'm on my way back to 300+ (so far the fear of the gain is winning, I won't even look at the scale) Sigh if I'm not very very careful I could become anorexic, weighing 100 pounds and insisting I'm still too fat.. Going from one eatting extreme to another.. Lord who knew all this fat carried so much damn baggage..

Well as always I've babbled a lot but not said half of what I wanted.. I hope to update everything, this weekend if I get a chance.. I do keep a workout journal for those interested in the work I do with my trainer, she's awesome!! 80 pounds gone in 8 months with her. I love that she's encouraging, she doesn't put a "time pressure" on me. She sets out to work each muscle group or cardio session and if it takes you 5 hours, you'll be there 5 hours or adding it to your next day, which you learn quickly you do not wanna do!! I was truly blessed to have met her, She is also a nutritionist, doesn't believe in "diets" she believes in moderation, healthy eatting and exercise. Im on a very low income and although she trains me 3-4 days a week, she seldom if ever asks me for money. She truly just happens to be someone who LOVES what she does. She also encourages me, gave me her cell phone number, one day i was sitting outside mcdonalds and called her lol about to have a quarter pounder with cheese attack. You guys know the cycle, ida ate it,large fry, probably added a cheeseburger and soda, then felt horrible!!! She talked, i whined and begged but we compromised, i got grilled chic sandwhich and salad, but i got to have an ice cream cone lol. Not exactly the QP but still it was nice to know i could find a healthier compromise to what i thought i wanted. I also ask for nutrition menus EVERYWHERE!! even if they dont have one to give you ask for thier copy. Trust me, a lot of the stuff you eat, you'll quickly decide its not worth it!! salt, salt, salt!! fat!! calories!! even the so called healthy stuff.
damn did it again,, got to babbling... bye till tomorrow.

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