Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Revelations are never easy....

Hey everyone,
 Man it's so hard to keep up! Ive been really really busy lately!! Going to school full time, going to the gym full time and raising a family is HARD!! Ive been thinking about this whole post a picture a thing and ive decided im going to do it. I still need to get a "now" pic.. and a s soon as i do that, up they go.. This revelation came to me this morning as i went to pee. I know TMI..

Yesterday was my daughters 17th birthday and i was unable to get her anything.. This sent on a mini binge, that included 2 cupcakes and bout of crying, My 12 yr old caught me and so trying to hide it, I went to my basement to hideout and cry. Well thats where i hide my scale from myself. I figured this day can't get any worse and even though i just ate, and its the end of the day,, why not. Well it said 239.8... I didn't believe it for a moment and got on 3 more times.. but there that number stayed. Still not sure i believed it and now that its morning, i don't have the courage to go and look again.. I told myself Monday...

However that whole experience brought me to a revelation this morning as i peed.. i know again with the TMI.. It occured to me that i did my first biggest loser challenge at the YMCA in the beginning of January 2009.. I weighed in at 334 pounds.. This is my second challenge,, I weighed in at 253 on September 3rd 2009... If im in the 230's,, i am almost 100 pounds gone in 10 months.. It doesn't feel or seem like it can be true but numbers don't lie.. Why does it feel like im going nowhere? Why do i still look in the mirror and see a sea of fat?? Man i got issues!! Im scared though,, looking at that number on the scale scared me inside because my head tells me,, thats not true,, its a dream..your going to wake up and soon!! But i keep going foreward because backs just not an option..

I had cereal,eggs,toast and fruit for breakfast.. i try to balance every meal this way.. I haven't figured in the whole vegtable thing yet,, but im working on it.. I also did what i call "batch" cooking.. I made 2 whole packages of chicken breast,, grilled them,, I made Turkey burgers and because i HATE vegtables i got the bright idea to put broccoli in them.. They were ok,, It made them a lot denser than usual. If you make homemade burgers the oldfashioned way, with breadcrumbs or something to "bind" them as my grandma used to say.. don't because the broccoli seems to take the place of that,, I also made spaghetti and chili (turkey of course) .. Then i packaged everything into single or double servings and threw them in the freezer!! (spaghetti noodles can be frozen.. cook to taste,, cool,, toss lightly in olive oil,, portion and freeze) I use wheat.. yum!!

well thats it for me right now.. Time to discover how bad i bombed on my test..


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Fun day and Pictures?? Should I??

Hey there, Today is a much better day than yesterday. It started a lil rocky i admit,, i wasnt hungry and had to force myself to eat, finally i had a bowl of multigrain cheerios. yay!! and my 32 oz of water first thing in the morning.. I got to school and hit the library and got some awesome diabetic cookbooks.. I figured on staying to myself and brooding for the day but that was not to be..

My instructor cassie is one of those little perky people who are like rays of sunshine ALLLLLL the darn time!! Even at 7 in the morning ugh!! anyways she decided we would do "ice breakers" in class today.. Those are "get to know everyone" type of games. Now my class ages range from about 21 to i'll say 50ish (im not sure how old she really is but im sure its around there.. anywho, were all adults.. )

Now the first one was a game where we had to close our eyes,, then cassie went around and whispered numbers in everyones ear.. (there were 17 of us) then we had to line ourselves up in order, 1 to 17.. with our eyes CLOSED and NO talking.. picture it,, a roomful of grown ass people wandering around a room with eyes closed trying to line themselves up in order.. i almost peed myself it was so funny!! A guy named barry was walking around with his hands at chest level, making open n closing motions.. we know this cuz the instructor goes.. ok no sexual harrassing,, barry im telling ur wife.. then there was this one really clumsy 6 foot woman who kept stepping on peoples feet,, hitting the chalk board and somehow ended up in the hallway lmaooo..did i mention the door was closed??  meanwhile about 7 people went past me and lined up but im number 3!!! then lee whos about 4 foot 2 was practically getting an indecent pat down from the over 50 yr old woman who couldnt tell if she was a person or not.. mann i still get tears just thinking about it.. That was the most fun ive had in such a long time...

second ice breaker was without talking,, we had to line ourselves up according to birthday, that was pretty funny to.. u would think grown chem majors would be able to make understandable number signs with thier fingers.. NOT!! lol that was kinda funny too.. again people kept trying to get behind me but i KNEW i had my position aced.. see my b day is new yrs eve lol.. the last day of the darn yr!! That was kinda fun also..

3rd one was just ok,, it was more a riddle,, we had to pass scissors and guess the rules.. complicated more so but interesting..

Day was shapin up ok, i wasnt even too bummed after we had the test.. I decided to face the gym so i went.. I talked to Tish (instructor) and even though im still bummed,, and my heart and mindset isnt the same as it was,, i'll continue to work out and just pray i begin to feel better.. I found a picture of me taken last yr at my heaviest.. 385.. in about apr i think.. and one taken on my b-day, dec 31 st,, about 5 days before i started working out in earnest i was 334,, i joined a biggest loser contest.. and 1 from in march at 303... where i won the biggest loser contest for losing 30 pounds in 2 months.. Still don't know how that happened.. maybe my workout journal will explain it.. my trainer works me!! I will get around to blogging it hopefully this weekend...

As for the pictures.. Im not sure about posting them,,besides is anyone REALLY interested in seeing the fat me?? lol hmmm i think i'll create a poll and see just that and decide from there..

well until later guys..


Monday, October 5, 2009

I need a hug...

I chose blue because today was a bad day for me. Lately believe it or not i had been in good spirits, For the last month ive been excited about the first day of school and beginning power lifting training.. Well not like a "real" body builder but close enough. Anyways, both started today,

Before the end of class i got pulled aside by the director, Im going to school to become a chemical lab technician.. She found out last week during orientation that im allergic to acetone.. (nail polish remover). I did'nt put it on my app because i forgot, im not exactly a nail polish kinda girl and i get my toes done at the shop mostly or use gloves and never have a problem.. Well apparently it could be a big problem.. I really don't understand why though, i mean yes, it wouldn't be good if there was an accident, but the only place i have the reaction is on my face, when touched,, now im sure it wouldnt be a good idea if ANYONE got splashed in the face with acetone right? and what about acid and other dangerous things,, anyways, (yes i say that a LOT get used to it) I spent an agonizing 40 minutes waiting for this talk, butterflies in my stomach and everything, so stressed im ready to puke, i mean ive invested months of pre classes and stress just to get in to be thrown out on my first official day!!! Could life really be that cruel??

It wasn't, well not really, She said they'll keep an eye on me and to let them know if it happens again.. Im still on pins and needles though because now i feel as if im under a spot light and our first 2 weeks are probationary anyways. I'd be lying if i didnt say i wasnt still very worried and scared, but its to late now to take it back sigh... 

The gym: well today was spinning and circuit training, i got to the gym and had forgotten it was training for the powerlifting, i was kinda late but they were sprinting around the track to get thier heart rate up,, which i can't do, My trainer wouldn't really meet my eye when i asked her what i should do, big warning huh, Its weird because the whole weightlifting thing was her suggestion and idea in the first place, she said she was going to think about it and probably have to modify some stuff for me.. Finally she pretty much said she couldn't train me, I couldn't do it.. Did you hear that sound?? It was my heart breaking and falling on the floor. I did my DAMNDEST to hold in the tears.. I sat and watched them train all the while holding it in..

See I guess i did the wrong thing, for some reason i put my heart and soul into this idea, not winning, but it just represented SO damn much to me.. It would be something different that would get me off this 3-4 month plateau/wall. It said to me that nothing could hold me back,, ive trained through pins in my foot, 2 weeks after a knee surgery, Ive never let it stop me because i feel like when/if i stop, i'll be the beginning of the end.. Im driven,, the pain of bieng 385 still fresh in my mind and hot on my heels, the nights spent crying and feeling less than a person,, the food issues,, all of it!! Participating in this became my, if i can do this, i can do anything.. sign.. I'm so burned out from working out im looking for something new to keep me going, keep me motivated,,keep me moving,, im so tired with every fiber of my bieng,, its hard.. but i push!!! Bottom line... I NEEDED this.. I didn't even do spinning,, i came home,, binged for the first time since january, sat down and cried and am still crying this very moment.. I want to give up..I think i have given up, The winds gone out of my sails,, the rides over.. . I don't ever want to go back to the gym... I feel like noone understands,, they all say,, its not that serious,, and things like that.. They don't understand..

I'll probably go to the gym again,, but my heart wont be in it,, I wont work as hard,, I mean whats the point,, Theres no goal nothing to look foreward to..

well ive talked much to much and i can't breathe cuz my honkers stuffed up now so im going to go..

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hopefully back in action....

Im sorry if there are any who were reading my blog for not getting back sooner. I got really busy and really stressed and i needed to blog but i didn't. I think what happens is that self sabatoging self we have tends to allow us to isolate ourselves. I thought to myself, noone cares what you have to say so why bother, why come and tell the world your problems, your wishes your heartaches, your desires, your triumphs and failures. what is the point, and then i realized, There isn't one!! lol and thats ok... If it's something you like doing just do it.

Ive missed out on so much, one of my favorite blogs went private and i wasn't around to ask for an invite. Lisa from LessofLisa if your reading this, i enjoy your blog and you really inspire me, i'd like an invite but if not, i wish you and your family well, and blessings,, and would like to say don't allow the negativity of others destroy your joy and peace sweety.

These past few weeks have been hard for me, ive been stressing over weight, and money, and needing a car, (i live in pennsylvania and winters on the bus is gonna SUCK big time), so many things, that on my sons birthday i ended up having a full blown panic attack, i couldn't afford to get him anything, I started throwing up and shaking and hyperventilating. i still feel so awful i can't talk about it.

My weight, sigh..im so tired of bieng fat. Its like a shroud that will never be lifted, i stand in front of vending machines and just look and my heartaches, when i grocery shop i stand in front of freezers and practically cry @ just the thought of can i have 1 tablespoon of that ice cream and i have to walk away because my mind says one tablespoon=10 pounds and 3 extra weeks in the gym to lose what i gained..yet again.. (is my math skewed?) Its so discouraging!! how do people stand it, i know that food shouldn't be a focus or an obsession but should it really be called that? I mean none of us normally gives a WHOLE lot of thought to what we put in our mouth until were told what we CAN'T put in it lol. Im so tired of people saying, it's gonna come off and don't worry, and all that stuff... Its sooo easy for people to say when their NOT lumbering around with 3000 pounds of pressure on thier torn up knees with barely any cartledge, the looks of disgust from men/women made worse if your lonely or looking for love, ok geez i'm getting tired of watching myself complain...

Lifes not all bad, i found some before and now pictures and i do see that ive come a long way from 385. Im not wearing a size 36 womens anymore, or even a 5x.. The jeans i have on now, although tight lol are a 18, i can fit 2x shirts and i no longer have to shop exclusively online. A teenager from my church came up to me at the gym a few days ago and pulled me to the side, she said she had been struggling with her weight for so long that she was ready to give up, but she's been watching me do it and make changes and it encourages her to keep going, she knows if i can do it, she can too. She was teary and everything, i was really stunned and appreciative and i must admit it felt strange, here i am feeling like a huge failure, how did i become someones inspiration?? Its making me think, im not sure what im coming to, but the wheels are turning and some nights when i wake up i smell smokey so im sure somethins goin on upstairs...(in my head). lol

I still go to the gym, circuit training and a spinning class on modays, upper body on tuesday, cardio on wensday, lower on thursday.. Im in a weight loss challenge again.. Dont think i'll win this time, im still terrified to even look at the scale on a regular basis. Im going to count my weight on Oct. 27th which is when the contest officially ends. I weighed in at the beginning, 253.. lord would it be lovely if i ended at 223 lol.. i know its not gonna happen but.. man o man... I start training actually for the strongest man/woman contest this coming week also.. Im scared but excited, its a more intense training. Im not to hopeful i can do it or have much success, only because ive had surgery on both my knees and this contest is about lifting your heaviest weight in 4 catergories, dead lift, (which is bending knees), squat, incline bench chest press and chest press i think.. The 2 uppers i may be ok but usually the cardio portion of training is sprints and things like that to get your heart rate up fast for the adreniline(sp) to help lift your heaviest. Can you see 250 pound me sprinting on bad knees?? lol i dont care though, shes gonna try modifying and im gonna give it my all, if i can't,, then i can't but at least i will have tried and maybe the intensity of trying something new is what i need to get off this plateau...

well, School officially starts on Monday, grrrr... so i better get to note taking and cooking up a storm so i can carry my lunch.. I could only find Dora the explorer sandwhich holders. wont that be lovely in a college cafeteria lol..

until later..be blessed..