Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hopefully back in action....

Im sorry if there are any who were reading my blog for not getting back sooner. I got really busy and really stressed and i needed to blog but i didn't. I think what happens is that self sabatoging self we have tends to allow us to isolate ourselves. I thought to myself, noone cares what you have to say so why bother, why come and tell the world your problems, your wishes your heartaches, your desires, your triumphs and failures. what is the point, and then i realized, There isn't one!! lol and thats ok... If it's something you like doing just do it.

Ive missed out on so much, one of my favorite blogs went private and i wasn't around to ask for an invite. Lisa from LessofLisa if your reading this, i enjoy your blog and you really inspire me, i'd like an invite but if not, i wish you and your family well, and blessings,, and would like to say don't allow the negativity of others destroy your joy and peace sweety.

These past few weeks have been hard for me, ive been stressing over weight, and money, and needing a car, (i live in pennsylvania and winters on the bus is gonna SUCK big time), so many things, that on my sons birthday i ended up having a full blown panic attack, i couldn't afford to get him anything, I started throwing up and shaking and hyperventilating. i still feel so awful i can't talk about it.

My weight, sigh..im so tired of bieng fat. Its like a shroud that will never be lifted, i stand in front of vending machines and just look and my heartaches, when i grocery shop i stand in front of freezers and practically cry @ just the thought of can i have 1 tablespoon of that ice cream and i have to walk away because my mind says one tablespoon=10 pounds and 3 extra weeks in the gym to lose what i gained..yet again.. (is my math skewed?) Its so discouraging!! how do people stand it, i know that food shouldn't be a focus or an obsession but should it really be called that? I mean none of us normally gives a WHOLE lot of thought to what we put in our mouth until were told what we CAN'T put in it lol. Im so tired of people saying, it's gonna come off and don't worry, and all that stuff... Its sooo easy for people to say when their NOT lumbering around with 3000 pounds of pressure on thier torn up knees with barely any cartledge, the looks of disgust from men/women made worse if your lonely or looking for love, ok geez i'm getting tired of watching myself complain...

Lifes not all bad, i found some before and now pictures and i do see that ive come a long way from 385. Im not wearing a size 36 womens anymore, or even a 5x.. The jeans i have on now, although tight lol are a 18, i can fit 2x shirts and i no longer have to shop exclusively online. A teenager from my church came up to me at the gym a few days ago and pulled me to the side, she said she had been struggling with her weight for so long that she was ready to give up, but she's been watching me do it and make changes and it encourages her to keep going, she knows if i can do it, she can too. She was teary and everything, i was really stunned and appreciative and i must admit it felt strange, here i am feeling like a huge failure, how did i become someones inspiration?? Its making me think, im not sure what im coming to, but the wheels are turning and some nights when i wake up i smell smokey so im sure somethins goin on upstairs...(in my head). lol

I still go to the gym, circuit training and a spinning class on modays, upper body on tuesday, cardio on wensday, lower on thursday.. Im in a weight loss challenge again.. Dont think i'll win this time, im still terrified to even look at the scale on a regular basis. Im going to count my weight on Oct. 27th which is when the contest officially ends. I weighed in at the beginning, 253.. lord would it be lovely if i ended at 223 lol.. i know its not gonna happen but.. man o man... I start training actually for the strongest man/woman contest this coming week also.. Im scared but excited, its a more intense training. Im not to hopeful i can do it or have much success, only because ive had surgery on both my knees and this contest is about lifting your heaviest weight in 4 catergories, dead lift, (which is bending knees), squat, incline bench chest press and chest press i think.. The 2 uppers i may be ok but usually the cardio portion of training is sprints and things like that to get your heart rate up fast for the adreniline(sp) to help lift your heaviest. Can you see 250 pound me sprinting on bad knees?? lol i dont care though, shes gonna try modifying and im gonna give it my all, if i can't,, then i can't but at least i will have tried and maybe the intensity of trying something new is what i need to get off this plateau...

well, School officially starts on Monday, grrrr... so i better get to note taking and cooking up a storm so i can carry my lunch.. I could only find Dora the explorer sandwhich holders. wont that be lovely in a college cafeteria lol..

until later..be blessed..

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