Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, October 5, 2009

I need a hug...

I chose blue because today was a bad day for me. Lately believe it or not i had been in good spirits, For the last month ive been excited about the first day of school and beginning power lifting training.. Well not like a "real" body builder but close enough. Anyways, both started today,

Before the end of class i got pulled aside by the director, Im going to school to become a chemical lab technician.. She found out last week during orientation that im allergic to acetone.. (nail polish remover). I did'nt put it on my app because i forgot, im not exactly a nail polish kinda girl and i get my toes done at the shop mostly or use gloves and never have a problem.. Well apparently it could be a big problem.. I really don't understand why though, i mean yes, it wouldn't be good if there was an accident, but the only place i have the reaction is on my face, when touched,, now im sure it wouldnt be a good idea if ANYONE got splashed in the face with acetone right? and what about acid and other dangerous things,, anyways, (yes i say that a LOT get used to it) I spent an agonizing 40 minutes waiting for this talk, butterflies in my stomach and everything, so stressed im ready to puke, i mean ive invested months of pre classes and stress just to get in to be thrown out on my first official day!!! Could life really be that cruel??

It wasn't, well not really, She said they'll keep an eye on me and to let them know if it happens again.. Im still on pins and needles though because now i feel as if im under a spot light and our first 2 weeks are probationary anyways. I'd be lying if i didnt say i wasnt still very worried and scared, but its to late now to take it back sigh... 

The gym: well today was spinning and circuit training, i got to the gym and had forgotten it was training for the powerlifting, i was kinda late but they were sprinting around the track to get thier heart rate up,, which i can't do, My trainer wouldn't really meet my eye when i asked her what i should do, big warning huh, Its weird because the whole weightlifting thing was her suggestion and idea in the first place, she said she was going to think about it and probably have to modify some stuff for me.. Finally she pretty much said she couldn't train me, I couldn't do it.. Did you hear that sound?? It was my heart breaking and falling on the floor. I did my DAMNDEST to hold in the tears.. I sat and watched them train all the while holding it in..

See I guess i did the wrong thing, for some reason i put my heart and soul into this idea, not winning, but it just represented SO damn much to me.. It would be something different that would get me off this 3-4 month plateau/wall. It said to me that nothing could hold me back,, ive trained through pins in my foot, 2 weeks after a knee surgery, Ive never let it stop me because i feel like when/if i stop, i'll be the beginning of the end.. Im driven,, the pain of bieng 385 still fresh in my mind and hot on my heels, the nights spent crying and feeling less than a person,, the food issues,, all of it!! Participating in this became my, if i can do this, i can do anything.. sign.. I'm so burned out from working out im looking for something new to keep me going, keep me motivated,,keep me moving,, im so tired with every fiber of my bieng,, its hard.. but i push!!! Bottom line... I NEEDED this.. I didn't even do spinning,, i came home,, binged for the first time since january, sat down and cried and am still crying this very moment.. I want to give up..I think i have given up, The winds gone out of my sails,, the rides over.. . I don't ever want to go back to the gym... I feel like noone understands,, they all say,, its not that serious,, and things like that.. They don't understand..

I'll probably go to the gym again,, but my heart wont be in it,, I wont work as hard,, I mean whats the point,, Theres no goal nothing to look foreward to..

well ive talked much to much and i can't breathe cuz my honkers stuffed up now so im going to go..

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