Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Your worthy of losing weight.. o Really??

 I'm sitting here in the school library, still feeling kind of dead inside and numb. I should be studying but right now I’m not in the mood. I was sitting here thinking to myself what am I going to write? What do I have to say? I started to talk about my day yesterday which by the way went ok. I had many triumphs over food, but I also had a few personal setbacks. I took a spinning class and managed to actually jog a half mile around the track. I have mixed feelings on that one. I have bad knees, arthritis and 2 knee surgeries to repair torn cartilage has pretty much made something like that uncomfortable to say the least, but I fall into the trap of "what everyone says" Jogging is good for you, it'll take off the weight, you should do it. Meanwhile, I’m reasonably sure I’m going to do more damage and end up in a wheelchair before my time.

I digress, what I really decided to talk about was this theory of being overweight because "we" must feel we are unworthy. Just another label to slap on someone that society feels is socially unacceptable? An "o that must be why" kind of answer?

I disagree slightly with that theory. I think most people’s weight loss journey is deeply personal. Although we all may have similar stories of eating habits, feelings, and results of such, our individual issues are ours alone. Now that's not to say that a person can't empathize or have gone through something similar but people react to situations differently. For instance, 2 children can grow up in an abusive home, equally abused, they share the same stories, they understand the same pain, however their emotional makeup and the way they handle the situations may be vastly different, 1 may become an abuser, while the other becomes passive, 1 may turn to drugs while the other may turn to food. So it's very important to understand that what you may feel and what another may feel is going to be unique to that individual.

A lot of times I hear the epitaph "you are worthy" or "you are deserving" which in my mind somehow implies I do not think I am worthy or deserving. On the contrary that is why things are so hard for me. I KNOW I am worthy and deserving of more than this crap of a life I have. However, I am first and foremost a realist. After almost 41 years of life, I see my life for what it is and no amount of sugar coating and glossing over it is going to change it. To put it simply. It is what it is. The issue of being worthy of something does not enter my mind. I know I’m worthy of a lot of things, does that necessarily mean I will get them? No. I believe I’m worthy of a million dollars, will I open my bank account and have it in there? I doubt it. I believe these are 2 separate issues. Am I worthy of losing weight? Sure I am. Do I get tired of the struggles? Do I get overwhelmed by stress? Yes I do. When skinny people get stressed, they eat too!! Does that mean they feel they are unworthy or undeserving of something? Do we put that label on them?

The issue in some cases of overeating is comfort. Some people choose drugs, some sex, some hide in books, some in exercise, some retreat from life altogether. How we deal with our stresses is a choice. In some cases an unconscious choice but a choice none the less. Just because I have food dreams, just because I find comfort in books, food, exercise and isolation does not mean I think I am less of a person and unworthy. It just means that this is where I find my comfort to help me get through my day. That I’m possibly, more than likely, depressed. Do I always give in to it? No. Sometimes feelings are there for a moment or a time when they are useful. They are a distraction from the pain or stress of whatever it is that ails me. When I blog and say I want to eat. I feel out of control, I'm craving this or that. I say that because that is what I’m feeling at that moment and that's what this is about, gaining control of the feelings, acknowledging them allowing them to wash over and out so that I am better able to control them.

If I honestly said I felt unworthy of anything it would most likely be love and or affection. Even then I can't honestly say I feel unworthy of it, more so just distrustful. I'm not sure I really believe it when it is presented to me. However if there was anything, I would honestly and humbly say that was it. Now when I’m feeling that, I don't want to eat, just the opposite, I am unable to eat and want to hide, I feel like I am dying inside. I know o to well what it feels like to feel you’re unworthy of something. For me though, it’s not about feeling unworthy to lose weight, now stress eating. THAT I can identify with!

Do you feel unworthy of anything? What do you do about it? Do you think your eating habits make a difference in that feeling?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I NEED a sunrise buffet!!

For a while now I have wanted to eat out of control. So far I’ve managed to contain it somewhat. I'm not gonna lie and say I’ve been great. I just try and stay away from places where I will go crazy or make impulsive buys. Even at home its hard but I figure if I eat a bowl of multigrain cheerios in the middle of the night when I can't take the yearning, it’s better than driving to Wendy’s or McDonalds. I've been eatting way to much lately but I at least still try to keep it healthier. Does it make a difference? I don't know but i try.  

I’ve been having food dreams. Dreams where I just eat things, Like a carton of ice cream. Crazy thing is I’m lactose intolerant I can handle dairy in small amounts but too much ice cream causes me diarrhea and cramps and gas and just an all around horrible feeling but you know what, I don't care. I feel like I can deal with all that just for the taste and comfort.

I'm numb right now. Last night about a quarter till 2 my daughter woke me up, she and her father had been fighting and she said she was leaving. The fight had been about her being late and disrespectful. It's true, she seems to stay out as long as she wants, even though her curfew is 1 in the morning. Then when she comes in she has an attitude with us like were wrong for saying anything, not only that but she has a cell phone which I pay for and have told her on numerous occasions all I ask is that you call us when you’re going to be late.

She never does, we have to call her, or text her and THEN she will say I’m coming or whatever she happens to come up with, Most times i believe they are lies, so apparently he told her she could leave or something to that extent. What could I say, He was right, she is disrespectful, I said a few things and went back to sleep, I figured they would work it out. I woke up about 4 and go to the bathroom. She is not here. I asked him did she leave. He said yes, He's tired of her shit, He is such an angry person and i believe so is she for some reason but i feel helpless in the wake of it. She's only 17 but what do i do? What can i do?

What do I do? I'm hurting but I have to hold it in. I’ve come too far on this journey to give up now, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I want to eat but the feeling feels like I want to punish myself for some reason. I want to eat ice cream and just not care anymore. I have to hold it in and go through my day as a robot. How will I do this? I feel so lost and afraid, like a person in a dark room turning in circles. The only reason I’m not eating right now is inside everything has slowed down to a crawl, Right now I fear food, I'm afraid if I eat, I will never stop.

I feel like my days are always dark. Will I ever be able to feel and enjoy the sun on my face? Will i ever be able to stand at the edge of the ocean and feel at peace? Will this dark place that I have been in for 40 years ever leave me? Will I ever be able to be happy? Was I a horrible person in a past life that deserved this life and if so why do I fight it? So many questions. No answers.

Update. I looked at my cell phone, she left a text saying i'm still in the house just out of sight. Don't worry. I responded ty. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to run away from my life and when i realize that's not possible. I want to eat. I NEED to eat. I will try not to.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Part 1.. personal purge

Ok I’ve been avoiding this like the plague and I’ve run out of time. We all know about how on Thursday I had a mini meltdown at the grocery store and then couldn't even get up and go to school on Friday as I woke up with a massive migraine. That migraine lasted 2 days!! Anyways, I have a standing Friday appt with my therapist. I wasn't going to go. I just wanted to be alone. I felt so out of control and sad. I went to Sam’s club and I decided to get a pretzel, one of those big soft ones and while in line I found myself ordering both the pizza and pretzel. In sams club the slice of pizza is really the size of 2. I decided to go see Jen. I figured what could it hurt. We talked for an hour about my melt down on Thursday and my migraine etc, and she asked me to take her through my week. It seems to me I go through so much on a daily basis I rarely think about the days that have passed. I myself was astounded when I recounted my week. My assignment from her was to write about my week in a journal. She seemed to feel I was disassociated from my feelings. I thought that was bull but as I sit here on Sunday night, I realize I have been avoiding doing this. It’s been turning in my head like a hamster wheel and I’ve been obsessing about food but now I will do it.

My week started on Sat. July 31st. It was my family reunion. My mom came in from D.C., and her sis from California. Usually I shun those things but this year I made an effort. I ate ok; everyone was supportive and barely recognized me. I didn't really introduce myself and my mom didn't do any for me so I felt a bit intimidated and lonely but it's been worse. I ventured out behind my camera. I took lots of pictures of people I didn’t even know and decided to use facebook for what’s worth!

Qwaya wasn't there because she didn't get home from camp until too late to come. We got home late and went straight to bed. Around 2 in the morning my cell rings, it's not a number I recognize so I ignore it. Well it rang again so I decided to answer just answer it. Well it was my daughter, who should have been home and in the bed. She's in near tears and saying she walked a "friend" halfway home and this "friend" gave her directions to get back, she got lost and her cell phone was dead and so she knocked on someone’s door and asked to use their phone. Yes you heard me correctly; my daughter was walking around a not so good neighborhood, lost at 2 in the morning with a dead cell phone, knocking on people’s door to use the phone. I was SO angry I can't even put it into words. I made her dad go and get her.

The next morning my mom calls, they want to go to the new casino that across town from me. I said I can meet you there but for some reason they kept insisting that they had to come to my house. So I go down and ask Von to straighten up the living room. His nana and Aunt Debra were coming over. He was really excited about this because he didn't get any time to spend with them at the reunion and since they live so far he doesn’t see them often. I went up to get dressed and came down. He did a FANTASTIC job, I mean for him anyway. I could tell he was excited and that he had tried his hardest. My mom calls me and says. We’re outside, come out, you’re driving. So I say, well Von cleaned up for you guys and was hoping to spend time with you two, can't you come in? I go outside and they have my cousin Lynn with them, my aunt and Lynn didn’t even speak, they said something about being hungry and walked off down the street. I'm like mom where are they going; she's like to Wendy's. So I say well geez at least take Von so he can spend some time with you guys, meanwhile they just keep walking!! I call Von, tell him throw on his shoes as fast as he can so he can walk down with them, then I tell my mom I’m going to lock up and be out and I say I wanted to drive the rental car, I didn’t have much gas or money and my ac isn’t working all that well, so they say, we don’t feel like walking back up, we'll send von back with the keys and just bring him something back. I said no, forget it, I’ll drive my car, by this time I was really getting upset.

So I drive down to Wendy’s to meet them, I had called qwaya, whom I never got to talk to since the previous night and had her meet us at Wendy’s, She and her friend show up. When I got there, qwaya and Gail and von were at a table while my mom, aunt and cousin were in line. I said something to qwayas friend and from her reaction I ascertain qwaya was either lying or not telling the full truth about last night. I decide to deal with it later and then after they get the food, instead of sitting down to spend time; they walk out to the car ready to go! Still never speaking to Von really, they asked qwaya to walk him home, I made sure he had keys and left to drive them to the casino. I was really ticked and hurt. So we get to the casino and they were supposed to meet 2 more of my cousins there, but had no plan as to where, so we go into the casino and start looking, then all of a sudden, my aunt and Lynn just walk off. I got the other cousins on the phone, they were by the door so I tell my mom where they are and she says you go get them, I need to find an atm machine. So I go all the way back to the front of the casino to retrieve them and lead them to my mom. My aunt and Lynn are still M.I.A. at this point.

So I get back to my mom and she decides she doesn't want to use the atm @ the casino because it costs too much, so I got in my car and drove around looking for an atm to get her some money out. I drive around the parking lot for 15 minutes looking for parking and took her the money. I went to the bathroom and went back up to the car. Soon as I get to the car, I get a call, we're ready to go. After all that!! So I drive them back home, and they get in the rental and leave!! All accept my mom who was leaving in a few hours and so I had to take her to the bus stop. I haven't heard from her since, I'm a tad hurt but not surprised as she never calls me unless she wants something. Ok so that was My Sunday.

On Monday, I go to school, not in the best of spirits, but I promised Von 10 dollars for cleaning the living room. He didn’t ask, but I felt it important to acknowledge the good job he did and reward him and he wanted to go to the exchange and trade in some old games and buy a new video game, So we all go, His dad is off, It took a while to get him to buy it because he was concerned and wanted his dad to get something too. I had to make him just get something for himself, then I went to the gym. When I got home, les was gone and I was ticked again. He does NOTHING with my son; He goes to his friend’s house whenever he gets a free moment and most nights doesn't come in until 3 in the morning. He never took my son to basketball games, or even out to play ball, or well just nothing. Nothing means nothing and I can't take it anymore. I decided I have to be daddy too. My son doesn't qualify for a lot of programs that would place a man in his life because his dad lives in the house. I feel so bad for him and it hurts my heart so bad to see my son alone without friends except in school, spending most of his off time home alone playing video games. I'm afraid for him, He is only 12 now but what kind of man will he be at this rate? So on top of everything else, I’ve added making sure I do things with Von as many times a week as I can.

Ok so that was Monday, it's getting late so I will continue this tomorrow. This is so painful for me but I’m beginning to see I have so much to hold in that I’m dealing with. All of this was Sunday and Monday and I still had to get through school and a workout.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Driving to the edge and peeking over....

I woke up this A.M. feeling like this is it. I'm ready to go over! I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and bury myself forever. I woke with a monster headache, I called out and here it is 12 in the afternoon and I still haven't moved. No food, No water, no cookies. I'm sick of food, sick of eating. I am Thelma and I got a grocery bag full of Louise with me and we were headed for the cliff!!  What brought me here you ask? Or perhaps your saying, she's always ready for the cliff. lol Thats true but todays cliffhanger started last night.

Last night I went into the grocery store and just stood in front of the bakery. It happens to be the first thing in my grocery store. Not the produce section like most stores, No you have to go through all the freshly baked goods and inviting coffee bar with all the nice round tables to sit and have your fresh baked goodies before you get down to the dirty business of shopping.

Normally I just zip right past without a thought and I was in a hurry too. I had to grab some Pitas! For some weird reason though I stopped. I looked at peanut butter cookies and imagined buying them, only eating 2 and giving the rest to the kids. OOO or how about cup cakes!! I can buy them, eat 1 and give the rest to the kids!! OO cheesecake!! Wait, I don't like cheesecake, but then again, it looks like it might taste good. Maybe THIS will be the cheesecake I like!

I looked at my watch and realized I had spent 20 minutes doing this!! Finally I reluctantly just wandered off. I came to the fruit section and I wasn't interested. I’m sick of fruit. Sigh. I probably wandered around that store for an hour more just looking at food and thinking food thoughts. Visions of bieng the type of person who didn't have to do this daily. Visions of REAL ice cream and REAL cheese and REAL mayonaise dancing through my head like sugarplums, (what the hell is a sugarplum?) all the while, my poor son waited in the car probably wondering if I was having the Pitas created from scratch!

In the end, I brought only the Pitas and some organic kidney beans and left. Was that a victory? I'm not so sure, I felt down and discouraged and tired and beaten and confused.

Is food the enemy? Everyone says no but we treat it like it is. If I had 2 of those peanut butter cookies would that have been a failure? Why? Aren't we always touting the old adage that it's about healthy eating, exercise and moderation? That you can eat anything as long as the greater amount is healthy? As long as it's not an "everyday thing" So much confusion, so many contradictions. I dunno, I just know it had been enough to send me over the proverbial edge today.

Okay enough of that. I’ve had time to read some encouraging blogs and send out a few emails and right now I am concluding that this meltdown has been a long time coming. I just need a DAY OFF!! A day where I could let go of the crap, be selfish and leisurely and allow my body and mind to rest. So I’m going to get my butt up right this minute and go eat, then I’m going to get dressed and go do something, anything that is just relaxing, mindless and enjoyable!! I'm going to take the rest of the day and just let my feet dangle over the edge a bit and enjoy the breeze.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Monsters in disguise....+

These last couple days have been interesting for me. Full of ups and downs, ins and outs, good times and bad times. Today ironically whats been on my heart is the issue of losing weight itself. Generally when you say your trying to lose weight. It seems everyone has the answer. They all know what it is that YOU need to do. It doesn't matter if they are overweight or not. Ironically it's usually the "newly healthy and fit" or the ones that feel they are on a "roll" with the losing, that are the worst culprits. Convinced they know the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the way to your salvation all because they have the crossed their finish line.

Most times i ignore it, sometimes it ticks me off. Basically the rules are the same for everyone. I know i whine and bitch and moan and cry. I feel i have a right too, I have a lot going on. However i also always put it out there, I know I'm NOT eating enough most days, I know i exercise to much, I know i stress too much. I know i should eat more vegetables. So I'm not saying I'm perfect or have some magic pill either. I also don't preach to others about what they need to do. I am not a doctor, all i can do is give suggestions as to what has worked for me in the past. Who the hell would i be to judge you? Where would i get off telling you what to do? I don't walk in your shoes, I don't know your circumstances, I don't know why you are the way you are and whats going to make it right. All i do know is weight loss is a PERSONAL journey. It is a journey that is about MORE than just food. Only eat 1000 calories, don't eat to much of this, cut out that. Yes all of that will work for a while, but trust me my friend, the wall will come up fast and hard. Shit when i was 385 lbs. i could lose weight just by altering my breathing i was so sedentary. So yes the gimmicks do work, but they are just that. Gimmicks, They are not a life long plan and you can't do it on Antone's schedule but your own, What worked for someone else may not always work for you, and that's OK.

What really gets me is why do these people who want to "help" you so much, get so angry and quick to wash their hands of you when you don't want to take their advice, their help or in some cases their orders? Isn't the job of a person who truly cares for you and about you to just be there and be supportive? Does it even occur to them that maybe there are issues or reasons that their plan may not work for you? Do they even care?

All i know is I'm learning so much on this journey, about people, their motives, their feelings about me and about themselves. This weight loss journey is a very hard road to travel and often lonely. Even on here, i see people come and go, say some very mean things and very nice things. Sometimes it appears what was hiding beneath the fat was a monster in disguise.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Pity party for 1...

I'm feeling kind of down and depressed this morning. I'm going to fight through it and get through my day though. I'm still going to be on time for school and i'm still going to work out. I'm just hoping that maybe talking about my feelings a little this A.M. will help.

I guess this feeling started yesterday, I knew i would run out of food and money by today but i've just been pushing it aside. Now that the event is here, I have no choice but to acknowledge it. I don't even have any food for lunch today and with 3 dollars in my account, there won't even be any subway. I'm just praying when i go out to my car i don't need gas. Of course this saga keeps turning me back to my weight. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I put on a pair of pants that had goten so big that when i put them on i could do so without unzipping and they would fall straight to the floor. Well they stayed up.

Thats not the only thing depressing me. How about i have a bug problem thats so severe i set off 13 bug bombs in my little 3 bedroom apartment thats largely on 1 floor except the attic bedroom and they are still everywhere. My landlord refuses to get an exterminator and only keeps bringing over sprays or gels and i have no money to go anywhere else. It's so bad i see them walking around as if they own the house. On the walls, the sink, on the toilet paper roll, On my dishes and the things i use to prepare my foods. I don't even bother trying to kill them because where do you begin? Its like stepping on one ant on an ant hill. I shake and check everything when i leave and my greatest fear is every day i'll miss one and it will crawl out of my bag at school. I already had them move to my car. How do i live like that? I don't know, I guess i try not to acknowledge it. To acknowledge it woould be madness and dispair on a level i'm ill prepared to handle.

I feel like i'm living a lie. I pretend i'm happy and it always works, sometimes for a long while, sometimes for a short while. usually what happens is that one thing gets through a chink in your armor and allows in a flood of whats wrong. Everyone always has the answer, I'm sure some of you in your mind have the answer too. Well just move, Is your house clean? Just do this and that. The reality isn't often so easy. There are not many who would ever choose to live my life just as most of you wouldn't choose to be obese. How many times have you heard, just stop eatting. just start exercising. It's not that simple is it. There are no easy and fast answers. I understand that and am realistic about it. Does it mean i have to like it or always accept it? No.

well it's time for me to whipe my tears, suck back the tide of misery as best i can, and get started on my day. ironically i have time to blog this morning because theres no lunch to prepare. I will get through this day because there is no going back. As awful as now is, I know it would be worse to give in and just hide my head under the covers. So i shoulder my burden and drag my feet one step at a time.

peace and blessing be with you all.

Patrick i don't have time to check your blog right now but if your reading this i'm praying for your wife still and really hope everything went well.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Broccoli.. Natures little scrub brushes, or just scrub brushes in disguise!

It has been a super crazy few days!! I have been trying like mad to update but with my family reunion this weekend and computers down at school its been impossible!! So many things have been going on. I've been encouraged to get to know more of my family so i have embarked on a "facebook" hunt. My mom and auntie really hurt my feelings and treated me badly on Sunday, which had me stressed out and threw my eatting way off for 2 days!! Ive been dealing with husband issues. It's just been really hectic, but through it all, I have been adding my food to my application and ive learned a couple things..

1. If i find myself short on calories for the day, Trying to eat 1000 calories in one healthy meal is not a good idea!! I found that 9 p.m. on Sun. After the stressful day with my mom and aunt, i had only eatten 500 calories, so i ate 2 turkey sandwhiches, a pita pizza and a protien shake and an apple. I was sooo bloated and gassy and just felt yucky overall.

The next day was bad also. I was still so upset, I had to force myself to even drink the 90 calorie protien shake, (it has no carbs). Then by breaktime i still wasnt hungry but i ate 2 doughnuts out of emotion, I was frustrated and wanted to punish, 500 calories alone just for that, and then instead of damage control for the rest of the day, I wanted comfort so i ate 2 turkey burgers and spicy potatoe wedges of all things!! I ended that day with 2333 calories. I did workout though, I did the elliptical for 20 minutes, crossramp on 12 and resistance on 9 and i always make sure i keep my strides at least above 100 per min. I also did some weight training so i'm sure all was not a total loss.

2. Keeping track of my food helps to "see" and realistically assess what im putting in me. I notice where i need to add things and where i can subtract them or shuffle them so that i'm maximizing my food intake. I realized one of the reasons i don't like eatting so much is because it seems when i eat this amount of food on a regular basis, i get constipated and bloated. It hit me all of a sudden that i dont eat ANY vegtables. I avg. about having veggies 2 times a month, some months none. It hit me because a friend this past week referred to broccoli as natures "little scrub brushes". lol Now thats stuck in my head because my rebuttal was thats the problem!! They taste like scrub brushes with feet!! lol

3. This is REALLY hard for me. Ive had bouts of doubt and fear about eatting this much food on a daily basis, I'm afraid to weigh myself because my mind is convinced all this food will make me gain, so for the time bieng, i'm just gonna concentrate on eatting healthily and working out because i know in the long run THAT is whats going to be healthy for me.

4. I need to find a really accurate place to journal all my exercise so i can see the energy i'm expending in relation to the amount of food im putting in.

and finally ive discovered when i get enough sleep at night i feel fabulous the next day!! Problem is with my caseload, it's not always possible to get in the bed at a decent hour every night.

What do you think? Where can a person who HATES vegtables, add them to get all the benifits without the horrid taste and be able to get them in on a daily basis with a busy schedule? Do you eat as many as you should?

well spin class is calling me so i better go.. until later everyone!!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Brighter days...

I'm sooo tired but it's been a few days and you guys have been on my mind and so im determined to get this in!! It's been pretty crazy for me these past couple days. My family reunion's this weekend, of course i'm trying to deal with my "new plan" for food, working out and school. Allen you made me laugh so hard at your comment on my last blog. I KNOW im exasperating lol. I could almost see you shaking your head, Those who know me well all have that look and sigh.

So far things are going well. I downloaded the sparkpeople app on my phone to track my food and i must say it has been a HUGE help!! I can do it everytime i get a minute and it's really helping me to get in enough food. Well honestly, i'm not sure how much food is enough food with my workout regimine but for right now, i'm going to tackle one thing at a time. I'm getting in between 1500 and 1800 calories a day and it calculates the corresponding carbs, protien,and fat for within that range. I had been previously told by someone i was eatting to many carbs, ironically according to the food pyramid and this app, i'm consistantly too low in carbs. go figure..

anywho, I slowed down on the workouts, sorta, I was doing about 5 hours a day 4 days a week plus random stuff when i felt like it in addition. I am now doing about 2-3 hours, 4 sometimes 5 days a week. Now that is an improvement for me, I feel a little more rested, (been sleeping every chance i get), That extra 2 hours has taken away some of that "rush, rush" feeling i always had, so my workouts have a more relaxed and energized feel to them. I really like the boxing, it's such good cardio, even the shadow boxing.

I tried zumba too for the first time on thursday and a new spin class. The zumba was HILARIOUS!! I was wiggling and rolling all sorts of body parts were doing thier own thing. It was so much fun. I am sooo doing that again!! I'm pigeon toed and knock kneed,, that does not make for a pretty picture but it was certainly interesting!! The same instructor is also offering a spin class which she demo'd. I liked that too, it was different than the spinning im used to. She had us doing exercises while spinning and you really felt it. All in all i was pleased.

The family reunion was interesting for me. Noone knew who i was. people just kept walking past me and i had to like literally wait for the "light bulb" to go off over thier head as they recognized me. It was a weird feeling. When i finally got over bieng annoyed and wondering why noone was speaking to me and realized they just didnt recgonize me. I actually kind of enjoyed it.

well i could go on and on but im exhausted and sleepy, i want to read a few blogs too before i fall asleep. I have no idea how to calculate my food for the day. I worked out before so i should be ok but i had like a half a humburger, a half a cookie, a few greens, a spoonful of greenbeans.. It really was just a tasting for me. how do i track that for the day lol!! I don't think i did bad though. Food wasn't that great thats why i didn't finish anything, i was searching for edible fare!!

In regards to picnics and reunions and things like that, Are you calorie counting? If so, how do you keep track of calories and what your eatting there?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

DAY 7.... New plan number 5000 and 1

Today began the same as usual. I got up and got ready for school. I didn’t mention this yesterday but I had decided to go on a 3 day fruit cleanse thingy someone told me about. So I had a ½ cup of grapes for breakfast, really that’s all I wanted. Lately I just haven’t been hungry. It becomes so easy to just not eat. The longer you go, the easier it gets, it isn’t until you actually eat something that the hunger kicks in. It’s occurred to me that not eating is a way for me to avoid the fact that I just don’t have a clue when it comes to food.

School was going ok, I find I’m tired and a little more emotional lately, but I’m coping. We had a speaker today from one of the companies that offers internships. It was very informative. I must admit I’m afraid to get out there and do this. I’ve been called standoffish and mean and defensive and those things really hurt because I’m not. The sad thing is, most times I’m just lost in thought, or tired, or down. I can’t help what my face looks like; I just don’t understand what to do. If you ever want to play poker, I am not your girl. My face usually tells it all. I’m tired of fighting that losing battle too.

I told a few classmates about my fruit idea and to say they were appalled would be an understatement. They insisted I eat and pointed out I needed nutrition as much as I work out and that maybe I need to slow down. Nothing I haven’t heard before 1000 times and already know. This time though, I’m tired of doing what I’ve been doing and getting no results so I decided to give something new a try. I went to sparkpeople.com and lo and behold they had an app for my android phone!! I programmed that I wanted to eat between 1500 and 1800 calories. Then I began adding my food. I went to subway because by 3 p.m. all I had in me was 1 cup grapes, an apple and a banana, I was nowhere near my low point of 1500. Even with the subway turkey (roll scooped out) and bag of sun chips, I was under 1500 calories.

Normally I would have called that more than enough food and called it a day, but I felt I needed to hit my range of at least 1500 if nothing else. I also watched my carbs, protein and fat. I think this may be what I need to get me eating consistently. I really believe if I can continue to do this it will help me with my food. Now if only I was sure this is where I need to be calorie wise.

In light of this “new plan” of moderation. I skipped my step class today and I was supposed to run 2 miles around the track,, run up and down bleachers 3 times and up and down a huge hill 3 times. I told myself I did plenty yesterday and 1 day off wasn’t going to kill me. So I stayed in, and cleaned like a mad woman, now my house to me feels like I’m only a few steps from making the reality show hoarders, but I managed to clean off my dresser, wash and put away a few loads of clothes, took things to the good will, and did a host of other things. Honestly I think I was trying to fill the void that’s usually filled by exercising and to push away the guilt. It worked until now when I got in the bed, I must admit I’m feeling terrified and panicky about the whole not working out today thing, but I’m determined to fight through it and slow down. This new battle is going to be a tough one for me. I’m going to create a new “plan for the week” and stick to it.

Wish me luck.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 6.. Where does it come from?

Where does my strength come from? I have no idea. I must be a glutton for pain and punishment! I woke up today with a migraine. I decided to skip school and try to relax. Within an hour i was fidgeting and by 9 a.m. I was up getting ready for school. I was late, still had a headache, but i was there! I was very tired and down today. I got my grades, I went from a 4.0 to a 3.93. Not very happy about that, I actually shed some tears, more so because i lost points for bieng, and i quote, standoffish and needing to improve my attitude. I really do not understand that. Why does the fact that i prefer to stay to myself and don't smile all the time mean i have a bad atitude? I wasn't aware there was a law that said i had to mingle. I can't help the face God gave me. I don't know, whatever.

After school i worked out, i was tired and my arms and thighs hurt, but i figured to just push through. I did chest press w/ 25 lb dumbells, 3 sets of 20,, then 20 minutes on eliptical, then upper back machine (name skips my mind), 3 sets of 20 w/ 60 lbs, then bicep curls, 3 sets of 20, 20lbs. then skull crushers (lay on back with curl bar extended from chest, bring bar down to touch forehead then back up again) 25 bar only (bar is 30lbs) 20 w/ 2.5 wts added, then 15 w/5 lb wts added, then i did upright rows, 2 sets of 15 using curl bar.. Then i went to the catherdral of learning and went up the stairwell TWICE this time, I took my time, no stopping or faltering or holding onto the rail at all!! i walked up 72 flights of steps!! YAY me!! I am sooo proud of that!!

next we went up to the track, I went around twice, i tried to jog but i couldn't, my knees were pretty much done by then. So i walked. Then we went to swing set and i did these full body things. You stand at pole, grasp it with 2 hands, sit down, lay out flat, then grasp pole again and pull yourself upright. did 30 of those,, then 50 double leg lifts, then 100 bicycles, then standing push ups, where you start from standing drop down, open legs wide then pull then in and stand again 15 of those, o yeah then 55 side lunges and 15 mountain climbers.. hmm this seems like a lot more when i write it down than when i do it. When im exercising generally whats going through my mind is,, thats not enough, the weights never going to come off. I'm a slacker.

My food sucked today, pretty much all day i had 2 1/2 muffins, 2 cans of tuna, 2 apples, a banana and maybe 10 grapes. I also had 4 slices of wheat bread total. This is a day in my life lol.. well sometimes the food is better. I feel pretty ok though all things considered, just a little tired, so im going to call it a night. I think tomorrow i'm going to slow down on the workout.

Day 5.. Fitting in everything, everywhere...

Today was an interesting day for me. I woke up lonely. I can't really explain it. I didn't want to get up but at the same time I knew i needed to; so i got up, got the boys up. I let my nephew spend the night. I didn't feel like eatting breakfast because I was just so down but I made myself at least have a protien shake. I felt bad about it. My protien shake is just powder and water and about only 94 calories. I intended to get up and have eggs and toast but I dunno, the feelings were kind of overwhelming. I went to church, we had an early service. The new choir was singing. I felt sad about that, I've always loved the church choir and I used to belong but with school, and my obsession with working out,I just don't have the time. A small part of it is also that I don't feel good enough, I always compare myself to others in every way. It's not so much that i'm jealous of them, more so I'm ashamed of me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I always feel so HUGE next to everyone else. I'm nowhere near as big as I was but I still FEEL like that inside. It transfers to everything. I feel inadequate in everything. My singing, my confidence level, my household. It's like the world is covered in vaseline and i can't get a grip.

I made it through church and I came home to blog, but what happened was I found myself reading blogs first. I wanted to check in on a few and I stopped by Sean's blog. He is a blogger I stumbled across and have been watching for sometime. His blog is big and popular and I must admit i'm always intimidated by it. I never comment mostly because I figure with so many followers, my little old comment would be invisible. again, I know it's my own personal issue and i'm working on it. I always find what he has to say soo inspirational though. Today he talked about bieng 13 pounds from his goal. It brought something out of me. I've become so lost on this journey. I did something very out of the ordinary for me. I emailed him and asked for help. I sat at my desk in the middle of the afternoon and I talked to a perfect stranger about my feelings of bieng lost when it comes to this "counting calorie" thing. I had tears streaming down my face, my nose was stuffed and I was a blubbering mess. I felt kind of mortified afterwards. Pathetic even. I dunno why, I just feel like I always need to be strong I guess.

So after that I hit the church picnic. I spoke to a few people but i'm generally antisocial. I know your thinking, didn't you say you were lonely. Yes but for some stupid reason bieng lonely makes me crave alone time even more. I become melancholy. Plus I've always been distant. I don't mingle well, or do small talk well. basically I don't fit in and I'm painfully aware of it which makes it worse. I ate terribly!! I had, a spoonful of mac and cheese, some rigatoni, about 2 tblespns, baked beans, twice! 2 beef hot dogs, 2 and half peanut butter cookies, 2 pieces of zuchini pound cake, 4 wedges of watermelon, some grapes, (bout 12) and a brownie!! Afterwards I put in my headphones, wrapped my hands and went walking and did some shadow boxing. I don't know how many calories I burned but I was sweating a LOT!! People looked at me strangely for working out at a church picnic but we were at a park!! I was bored and lonely and i knew after eatting what I had I couldn't just go home and go to bed. Plus its so very cleansing for me. It gives me pride and focus. Working out helps me work through and release some of my pain. Also part of my isolating is a cry for help I think too. I would love someone to come over and talk to me, to want to spend time with me. To interupt me, but they never do. I think that hurts a little too but I usually push that feeling way down.

Afterwards, I said my goodbyes and came home. I had a migraine so i turned off all the lights and fell asleep. I awoke with a sense of I NEED to get grip on this food situation. So i'm online looking for ideas and help. I found a 7 day free trial for ediets so I guess I'm going to begin there.

Today although it seems on the surface to have not been a good day, was actually ok though. I got out and enjoyed the sun. I had an enjoyable workout. I'm making progress on my footwork I think lol. I also like to think i'm getting better at bieng social just by getting out there. It's a process, 2 days in a row out in the company of a group of people. I survived! I also had time to just let my feelings flow. I needed to make room for the coming week!!

Time for me to rest and relax.. Enjoy your Monday!!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 4... All things come undone

This is day 4 of the new me. Yesterday i had a pretty good day. School was ok, I went to see my therapist and even went out with a few girlfriends from the gym last night. Normally im uncomfortable in "bar" social settings and this time was no different. I wore a dress that I felt really pretty in, but then when I was next to all of them, I felt huge and ugly and old. Well not THAT old but the one girl said she was class of 99!! 99!! Fortunately I don't look it. I mean this is going to sound weird but even though i felt like that, I felt ok.

That brings me to what my therapist and I talked about on Friday. Ive told her about my blogging and we talked about how it makes me feel. Ive been feeling really good these past few days and I credit it to a choice to feel better. I held in all my feelings, when I wanted to cry, I held my breath, changed the subject in my head, sang songs, did whatever i could to keep the bad thoughts away.

Many people are right now are going.. way to go,, and yay Trina, but i don't necessarily feel that way. Sometimes peoples uncomfortability with sadness disturbs me. Ive learned and know very well what it feels like to keep emotions bottled up for too long. When did it become fashionable to stuff and hold ones feelings inside? Why is it frowned upon to cry? I don't understand. Everywhere I look I see children and people turning to drugs and killing themselves and others because they are trying to hold everything in. Avoid. Be happy all the time because bieng unhappy is frowned upon, if you cry too much you must be depressed.

Well in some circumstances you have a RIGHT to cry,, You have a RIGHT to be depressed!! I'm living in a bug infested house, that I can't afford to leave, I have no money, my utilities are always in danger of getting cut off, I'm on the verge of divorce, I'm overweight and despite working out 5 days a week, 5 hours a day sometimes, I'm GAINING weight. I'm going through a fast paced degree program with no summer breaks or anything. Why would i NOT cry?? I may cry, but i still fight!! I still get up in the morning and move foreward. I don't have any other choice, but I don't want my struggle minimized or glazed over or hidden behind a veneer of happy, happy, joy, joy either.

If i do that, Ive done us all a disservice. The triumph is not in doing something that comes easy. The triumph is in continuing to do what needs to be done even when it appears all hope is lost. In perserverence, in courage, in strength you didn't know you had. So i say, go ahead and cry, go ahead and bitch and moan and dispair, and then when the storm has passed.. breathe deeply.. stand up straight and tall and go on.

I do believe there is a time and place for everything, there is a fine balance, but you need to be honest with yourself always and allow yourself to feel. Your feelings are VALID whatever they may be. They are you.

My days always seem to get better when I allow myself to feel and not bottle it up,, when I allow myself to get out the toxic it leaves room for the good to come in. I thank the person that emailed me, I would cry and cry but never let everything out, My blog didn't have a direction because I was holding back and trying to only talk about my weight. I am so much more than just my weight, There are things outside the topic of weight that contribute to my weight bieng what it is. I was holding it in and now i am exhaling.. If you are still watching.. Exhale with me.. It's a wonderful feeling!!

I feel good, I went to the library and got lots of books with recipes and am going to research things and try to come up with ways to help myself, and if it doesn't work, I may cry and get discouraged but guess what.. I'll try something else!! I'm going to attempt to figure out how to take my measurements this week. I'm still not ready to get back on the scale yet, I'm just going to enjoy the feeling I get from working out and try to be healthier in general. For another week at least lol.

have a SUPER blessed day everyone!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 2.. Ever onward….

This morning was a rough one. It was supposed to be a morning for my walk but I was so tired, I just kept turning the alarm off. I even considered just going to school late but finally I couldn’t stand the guilt and rolled myself out of bed at about 6. I was hungry but I was also down, I tried to not think about things but it was hard. I kept thinking about my bills and knowing I need to check my bank account but afraid to, I kept looking around my house at the mess and wanting to cry. Just lots of thoughts and remembrances swirling through my head, like what am I going to eat for dinner or lunch. Just my dismal situation in general. Even though my throat was closed tight with unshed tears I knew I had to eat breakfast, I wanted eggs and toast but I only had enough mental strength to put one foot in front of the other and hold it together. I made a breakfast of a piece of chicken and 2 slices of wheat bread. I packed my lunch which consists of 2 cans of tuna (100 cals) 2 tblspns miracle whip (70 cals), 2 slices of bread, the last of my apple sauce and a handful of grapes.

All the bad things that tried to cloud my vision I kept at bay like a creeping blackness you see out of the corner of your eye. I had a brief thought of what am I going to have for break? What will I eat after school before I go to the gym? Then my thoughts turned to the girls I work out with and the man I train with. I already feel guilt for being so slow and behind, I’m tired of always being in pain, but I also feel guilt because yesterday one of the ladies was saying how she was going to give him 25 dollars for working out with us, appreciation for spending time with us that he could be using doing other things such as training his sons etc: That hurt because I know I can’t afford to do that. My heart and soul ache, it brings tears to my eyes because it’s yet another way I’m lacking. I feel like a baby that has to be taken care of. Yet again I digress.

The really weird thing is, the closer it got time for me to get out of school and go work out, the better I began to feel. Just having a plan seemed to help. My eatting was ok. I got through my workout, boy do my knees ache, but it felt good!! I was in good spirits; afterwards, I faced some of what had been worrying me. I checked my bank accounts. They were as expected but I wasn’t upset. I had many things happen to me today that were unexpected. The cables off but they must have forgotten to turn off the internet!! Can I claim this as a triumph over the cable company?? Lol. Anyways, the point of today seems to be, everything was as crappy as usual, but I was still able to find a few things to smile about and keep me going. Another day down!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 1.. The beginning..

If you haven't already, read the blog before this "Death of a Blog"

Today started off really crazy for me. I decided to go to a job fair. I've never been to one before, I haven't worked since 1997 I think. It's funny i remember it almost like it was yesterday. My son had just been born, He wasn't even 2 months old when they sent me to a therapist saying i was depressed. When they discovered i tried to commit suicide when i was 16 (long story for another time) They just immediately put me on medication. They're the doctors right, they know best?? Unfortunately, I had severe side effects. I remember going to the bathroom at work and closing my eyes and pressing my face to the stall walls just to feel the coolness, to stop the raging beating of my heart, The tears would come, the sickness etc: but then the doctor left and went into private practice and thus began over 10 years of shuffling from doctor to doctor, none who ever questioned me on anything other than side effects and how are you feeling and lets try this dose or this medication.

I remember many times wanting to stop taking it but you become so afraid of stopping the medicine because you hear so many horror stories. By the time I went before a judge for disability, I couldn't even lift my head to answer a question without crying. It was especially hard on me because Ive always been very intelligent, hi IQ and all and it was like i couldn't function anymore, My house was a shambles, I couldn't move off the couch, the weight started piling on, I began hiding, it was like being trapped in a tomb that's your mind and body. i knew i had so much more to me, but i was trapped. Lord this is not where i wanted to go.. back on track...

Anyways, I was a little afraid and of course my resume' is pretty sucky even to me so i didn't expect a job but i wanted to see what it was like. Could i do it was the question. I wanted to go alone but i hadn't worked up the courage to do that yet so i asked my classmate Alexandra to go with me. So silly me decided to clip my ends, iron my clothes, grab my laptop bag, my purse, and my workout bag AND make lunch all in the morning. Needless to say i was running late, so i didn't get to eat breakfast, or make lunch. I wasn't hungry but i felt bad because yesterday at step class i was looking at myself in the floor length mirror and it was all i could do not to burst into tears. My body is changing and it's like i have no control over it. it takes everything in me to keep eating. My brain tells me to stop but it's hard. Its like a war within yourself. 

So I'm driving and i get an email that my child support is in. I'm like OK. My gas, electric and phone are about to be cut off. My plan was to pay some on each of them and pray for no disconnects. I had it all planned out. My child support is 185, I was going to pay 150 on the phone and have 35 in gas to last us till Wednesday when my husband gets his pitiful check. I opened the email on the highway and glanced at it. 127 dollars. My heart sank, i wanted to cry. hell i still want to cry but i just sucked it up and told myself i can't afford to cry. I can't go back to sitting on the couch, besides I'm on the highway.. no time to be falling apart!! So i went to subway and grabbed a egg english muffin. It was gross, but it was 2 dollars and i got in breakfast. Break time was at 10:00 and i think the depression over the money was there even though i pushed it back. I ended up eating 2 doughnuts.. I didn't care!! or so i thought, by the time lunch came, i didn't feel hungry and i skipped lunch.

Honestly i think i was punishing myself and maybe a little damage control for the doughnuts. I know, not good. So 3:00 comes and the job fair. I got through it OK, It was overwhelming a little, I think i was really discouraged because i know with all those people, who have way more experience than me, I didn't stand a chance at anything, but it was OK. Afterwards, Alex made me go to subway with her where i ate a whole turkey on wheat (bread scooped out) and a bag of sun chips. Then since it was almost 6:30 and time for me to go workout with Keith, i went to McDonald's and got an ice cream and diet coke. I don't normally do that but i knew I'd burn it off very quickly and i was right!! We met at the Cathedral of Learning to climb steps!! OMG was it hot and hard!! I did it though!! 35 flights of stairs!! Google it, it's in Pittsburgh PA.. This is my view from the 34th floor..

After that, we went to the park and jogged, well i tried around the track,, about a quarter mile, then did some other cardio stuff and a little sparring. i really like boxing but I'm not that great at it. 2 other girls work out with me and i feel bad, I'm the oldest and the fattest and it seems like I'm always lagging behind, it's so frustrating having these limitations but i don't know how to do anything but keep going foreword. I'm too scared of what awaits me back there. Dinner was a piece of watermelon, a banana, a couple grapes and a protein shake. I wasn't that hungry. It has been a long and tiring day for me and it's way past my bedtime!! Until tomorrow, have a blessed productive day. i see many triumphs as i look back over my day. I will note them to the right. Good night all... 

Death of a blog...

So your wondering.. what is she talking about!! Well, This is the end of this blog as you know it. I got an email. I guess you could say it was a nasty email. It said a lot of things i more than likely wont repeat but some things struck a cord with me. They said some things about my blog not having a point and how Ive been here a year and no one reads me and i don't have any followers and other things of that nature and I'm a downer etc etc:..

This got me to thinking. First and foremost, I've said this before, this isn't about gaining a huge following or needing to be loved or liked or even a popularity contest for me. I COULD make a "cheerleader blog" about weight loss. That's what i call the blogs that are ALWAYS super positive as if they don't have a care in the world, as if every healthy meal is cause for celebration, as if every climb to the top of the hill is a "pump your fists in the air" rocky moment etc: full of great tips and general rah rah all day everyday. Don't get me wrong, those blogs are great and i enjoy looking at them and being motivated sometimes and gaining nice tips etc: but sometimes, just sometimes, i want to hear what it's like when they hit that wall and how they get past it,, Sometimes i need to see the real struggle and overcoming of it because that's where i feel you gain strength.  I can't identify with "rah rah" all the time because my life isn't "rah rah" all the time and honestly sometimes that can make me feel less than. Hell being perky all the damn time is tiring work!! It's like another job!!

It's like weight loss surgery. everyone wants to pretend its the greatest thing since sliced bread. don't get me wrong, I think the people that do that are the most courageous people in the world, I'm taking  the hard way because I'm to chicken to go under the knife, but at the same time, it seems they want for that decision to not be a mistake so bad they don't talk about or just glaze over the side effects, how often do you hear about the throwing up, the horrible gas, the diarrhea, the anger because where food was once their outlet now it can no longer be, the regaining weight, the horrible gas, now you may say,, who wants to hear that!! well ME for one if I'm thinking of having the surgery!! I want to know the good the bad and the ugly so i can make the decision if this LIFELONG change is something i can live with!!

Now that being said.. I realized something else. I AM depressed. I think. I'm pretty sure anyways, I probably have been for a very long time. I struggle with my LIFE and with losing the weight and for me it's like some weird macabre dance. This blog for me is supposed to be about me getting through, gaining perspective, sharing, a purging if you will and i realize that i don't even do the things in this blog that i would want to see in a blog. I toyed with deleting this blog and starting a new one about fighting depression, poverty and weight loss but i decided I'm just going to restructure this blog. It will be about my struggles period. All of it, no holds barred, whats going on with me, how I'm feeling about it etc. It will still be focused on my weight also but it may be more like a journal.

My hope is that those of you who are here will stay along for the ride and that i can be successful on some level so i will be an encouragement to someone who is suffering as i am. I hope in my struggles they will see, I've been there and if she can do it so can i!! If nothing else, i don't know where you picked up my journey but i would encourage you to read my very first post so you at least have a tiny idea of "the me of it all".

OK enough chatter here, I'm giving myself half an hour to reconfigure and get my first post up so i can take my butt to bed!!

P.S. i appreciate each and every one of you, I would rather have a handful of truly good friends than a stadium full of fake ones.  (hugs all around)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Back to the drawing board...

Today I woke up in no better mood than I have in the past few months. Still down and depressed, still hurting and feeling alone on this journey. My mind has been on choices since my last blog. I woke up and made the choice to go walking. Do i feel like all of a sudden I'm back on track and everything will be great.. No.. BUT a small part of me realized that even when all your choices suck.. you have to make the best choice you can given your circumstances. One day at a time, one choice at a time. So my choice for this morning was walking.

I chose to walk because in the beginning when i was 300+ pounds it was all I felt I could do. I remember the first time I decided to do it. I picked evening because I felt no one would be there to see me wobbling around the track. I remember walking and thinking and praying. I remember going there and watching the sun rise some days, and set others. I remember sitting in my car crying my heart out to my lord for his mercy and help,, to take this pain away. I remember praising him for all the good he's done in my life, all the small things that tend to get lost in the bigger picture. I remember gaining a closeness and a serenity and the strength to make it through my day there.

In life as a child, when you fall down and hurt yourself, you go home. It's the only place you know you'll be welcome, you can relax and think, where you can go to get a hug and an assurance everything will be all alright. (at least in theory). Where you can begin again. This morning I chose to go home.
This is home. I walked about three miles. I listened to my music, and I listened to my heart and I realized I had to make more choices and all I can do is pray the choices I make today will make the choices I have to make later, easier instead of harder. 1 choice I made was, yes I need to pay my bills but I also need to feed my family, so i went to walmart. A friend brought me a couple things because they were proud of me for working out. I don't have any workout clothes so they brought me 2 workout shirts, a jump rope and a waist belt thingy. I think a part of me must have known it would come to this because I never removed them from my trunk. I sat in a secluded part of walmarts parking lot and cried for a while and then pulled myself together,, took it inside and returned it all to ease the amount of money I would have to spend on food and necessities. I got chicken, thighs I chose them for their cheapness but also because the skin is easy to remove,, It's all about making the best choices you can given the choices you have.

I also made the choice to try to go to 1500-2000 calories a day. I'm going to aim for 4.. 400 calorie meals and at least 2 snacks of 100 calories or so if needed. I think with my activity level that would help. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, ideally for me with my life the way it is, ediets would be a good choice and I could easily and quickly find 400 calorie meals I can make and like and print out a shopping list immediately, but as that's not one of my choices, I'm trying the library and Internet. So far not much luck and seeing as how I leave by 6 30 every morning.. (earlier if i walk) and don't get home until after 9 pm most nights its going to make things very difficult. I'll just keep praying that the lord shows me something.

well I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. When you lose your way sometimes its better to go back and start at the beginning again. I pray your path is always straight and true. Until next time...


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Deep breath... Long exhale...........

Ok.. Here's where I'm at.. I can't pay my bills. I have just received notices of disconnection for both my gas and electric and as my phone bill was due yesterday, I'm sure that will follow. I have an interview next week for an internship site (non paid) and i have no suit and no money to buy a suit. I have gained somehow 35 pounds and am now 2 sizes bigger. I am severely depressed or at the very least hovering there.

What it's doing to my diet. The weight is what broke me. All of the other things are bad granted but when it was just school and money issues, i kept going, i kept praying, whining and moaning but i kept moving, i kept working out, trying to eat right, still killing myself because well, at least i had that to be proud of. I had nothing else that was me.. just me if you understand what i mean, but i had that. I had that; despite everything, i was still pushing foreword, working out 5 hours a day 4-5 days a week. I could do it!!

I admit a large part of me didn't really think i could ever be under 200 but i had that teeny tiny little glimmer of hope and i clung to it,, hidden deep inside me like a candle that's almost gone out. I nurtured it and kept the wind at bay the best i could. I was giving it my all and then some. people said slow down but the working out helped me to forget my problems for 1 more day, It kept the boogey man in the closet and allowed my candles light to glow a little stronger. When i stepped on the scale and saw 261. the world stopped. It was as if a giant gust of wind came and blew away my world. I looked around me and couldn't see.

What do you do when your all is not good enough? Where do you go when there's nowhere left to go. It was as if my world stopped. I know its so sad to allow the scale to have such power over someone, but saying it doesn't change the reality of it. It doesn't change the pain. It doesn't wipe away the disgust i see when i look in the mirror. It doesn't erase the memories of being over 300 pounds, now a mere 40 pounds away. It doesn't erase the blood, sweat and tears that were shed. If the scale should not rule our lives why are we all trying to lose weight? Deluding ourselves wont help. It never does for long. I am scared. I am lost. I am broke. being healthy is a rich mans game. It implies choices, and yes we all have choices on the surface. If i have 20 dollars for food for the week, i can choose to buy the 6lbs of ground turkey that will feed my family of 4 for 2 days or i can choose to buy 20 lbs of the cheapest ground beef and feed us for the entire week. So yes i do have choices, but they all come at a cost. I can't afford the price of either.

I have given up inside, i try not to; but this last week, I've been eating out of control. Not a lot, just things i shouldn't, Doritos. I haven't touched those in 2 years. Doughnuts, I've had 4 in the last 2 days, cookies.. Stuff i haven't been near in years.

I am fighting this though, I'm still looking at diet sites, I'm thinking of things i can do, no ideas yet but I'm thinking, I went to the goodwill and found a suit. I almost cried because i had to buy a 24 and i had gotten to 18/16. I found a budget software for a dollar. I splurged and went to the drive in (6 dollars) with my son last night, to relax and while there i left my name and number with the manager perhaps i can get a part time evening job.

i cant begin to express the agony, the fear, the pain, the frustration in my heart right now. I feel as if I'm a prisoner and have been bound by chains attached to 1000lbs.. and I'm trying to walk with it.. I'm pulling, I'm stumbling, but i haven't stopped.. yet..my candle may still have a little life in it. i don't know how to get the light going again but i will try with what i have left. I am still here. I haven't died yet. I'm tired of being tired and wishing i was dead but i don't know any other way to be.. At the same time i will keep going, i know what awaits me back there and i don't want it. I can only pray theres something better ahead..

Thursday, July 15, 2010

negativity.. is that a word.

I don't know what to say. I woke up afraid and stressed, its 3 in the morning. I had a so so day today. It got really bad for a moment because i let a comment one person made about me hurt me. She said i was a negative person. There's a lot of backstory but im to tired to go into it in detail but basically shes very incompetant and i do mean VERY, which results in me having to question her on a LOT of things she does. I know this and i'm sure since i never have anything good to say to her she sees it that way. Thats actually fine. It did hurt though because we'll truth hurts. I AM a negative person but after 40 years of bieng beat down by life, i dare you to be any other way.. The negativity in my life WAYYY outweighs the positive. im up at 3 in the morning because i cant sleep from stress. Im trying to figure out how to pay 800 dollars in bills with 300 dollars. I cant borrow because realistically i cant pay it back.. lying here,, i tried to think of maybe pawning stuff but the most id get from my pitiful pawnable stuff is probably 100,, i thought about selling my plasma,, can u imagine how much i would have to sell at 35 dollars a pop!! i had to let credit cards go a couple months back so no go there.. credits taken a major hit so theres really nowhere for me to turn, i lie here trying to cry as quietly as possible because my son is in the bed next to me.. im stressed, im exhausted, im afraid any moment we will all be sitting here in the dark,, with no way to cook, barely enough to eat and possibly on the street, im gaining weight,, school is shit and im supposed to be mary fuckin poppins.. not likely... not likely at all.. im sorry,i cant do this right now, im gonna go..

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Where to begin..

Honestly, I really don't know. Ive been M.I.A. for so long and so many things are happening to me right now i just have no clue where to begin. I want to cry but I'm at school in the lab, my classmates haven't arrived yet but well that's OK too. To say my life as of late has been difficult would be the understatement of the year. Ive had many more downs than ups. Normally i talk about everything because i believe everything that's going on in my life affects my diet, but i can't right now. it's all so painful i have repressed it and even mention or thought makes my eyes well in tears and i have no time for tears or pain right now. I will attempt to talk about the food part of it. I'm struggling mightily.

I have been eating pretty much the same lately. I always eat healthy and I'm always hungry. I'm probably always hungry because i work out so much. That's what makes this so hard for me to understand. I seem to have gained 30 pounds. Last week i got on the scale at the gym and it read 260. I had gotten to 234. Why is this happening to me. OK before i go further let me outline my day to you, this is pretty usual for me at least 4-5 days a week.

I'm out my door to school by 7.. i go directly from school to the YMCA and train with my trainer generally 2-3 hours, i leave there and go to weight masters gym and put in another 2 or so hours with calisthenics and boxing. I usually get home around 9 p.m. exhausted.,, the food i eat all day is the food i can carry with me usually.

breakfast at 630.. cereal or protein shake.. or hi protein bagel

snack at 10.. fruit or nature valley bar..

lunch at noon, usually turkey burgers (homemade), or spaghetti 1 1/2 cup of sauce and 1 1/2 c wheat noodles or a grilled chicken breast. i try to precook and package when i can.

fruit throughout the day,, usually applesauce, about 2 cups, grapes about a pound or 2,, apples, sometimes 2 or 3.. the fruit part varies a lot,, depends on what i have on hand and how much.

in a pinch if i can't carry all my food, my standard "fast food" meal is a subway turkey breast on whole wheat, scooped roll and if I'm really hungry a bag of sun chips with it. I normally also have a protein shake or 2 during the day on workout days, which consist of a scoop of powder with water. each scoop is about 90 cals. (gnc amp extreme). The serving is 3 scoops.

with that being said,, even if I'm eating too much food, (if anything puts me over it'll be the fruit) i should be maintaining with all the working out i do. It's a horrible vicious cycle. When i weighed myself at the gym, i stood on the elliptical and thought of all the things i could do.

diet pills, vomiting, surgery, trying to force myself to stop eating... i did my 10 minute warm up and went into the studio, allowed myself a few tears that i couldn't seem to hold back. barely 3 minutes and went back to working out. My knees ache,, I now have fluid pockets in both my knees, but i don't know any other way to live. I feel like if i stop I'll die. If i gained 30 pounds working out 5-7 hours a day.. what will happen to me if i stop? Where will i be? I feel like no one understands. theres nothing else for me to do.

I'm sooo close to giving up. I just feel like i can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wishing i was dead. I wasn't able to finish this at school, it's now 4 in the morning and i woke up stressed again, crying again over bills and weight etc:.. i even entered a give away for medifast. I won't win. people like me never do. i'm not even sure why i "entered". I was thinking about trying ediets again, It was something that in the past when i followed it worked for me, i asked my aunt for a gift membership for a year because i knew she was the only 1 i know generous enough to do it and that could afford it. turns out my brother borrowed 700 dollars off of her for a door and never repaid it, now shes bitter and upset and refuses to do anything else for our family. which explains why my children havent gotten gifts from her this year. sigh.. ahh well,, such is my life.

well I'm going to post this, sorry for any typos or if i rambled or left things out but right now i don't have it in me to proof read or fine tune..

It is as it shall be and no more and i would like to especially thank you Juliet and Patrick for stopping by and checking up on me. it really felt good to know someone cared enough to do so. It touched me in ways you'll never know and in part is the only reason i'm here trying to post right now. Thank you so much.

Friday, May 28, 2010

"Viviendo mi vida loca" (Living my crazy life!!)

Ok you know how sometimes you wish for things, but when you get them, they're not exactly how you pictured them or wished for them??

Sigh.. Ok remember last blog i was all excited about my new outlook on the world. Well I'm still hanging in there. I'm grinning and gritting my teeth and bearing it.

I had this weekend all planned out. The car shop told me my car would be ready on Thursday. I was nervous and praying everything went ok. It did. I was pleased with the job they did. Oddly i was still very nervous about the idea of what they thought about me. I just can't seem to shake that wanting to be liked by everyone feeling you know. So anyways, My weekend plan is to go and hang out and spend time with my longtime friend, Dawn. (wow i hope that link thingy works, I'm becoming a blogger extraordinaire!) anyways, I've been wanting to have time to do this for years but for one reason or another never did. This time i said. I'm doing it. Me and Von are gonna get in the car, Ala Thelma and Louise. (without the cliff ending!) and go have a wonderful relaxing weekend! This was going to kick off my "giving up the stress" movement.

So I had a plan. Yes I'm a list/planner person.Thursday at lunch i was gonna pick up car at lunchtime, i was going to go to store after school, hit library for books on CD. GREAT way to pass long trips!! Books on CD are not just for kids!! Wash clothes, pack up, and rest, so on Friday i could go to school, leave directly from school to doctors, pick up Von and hit the highway!! WRONG!!

First on Thursday I woke up with a splitting headache, throughout the day, i had a few instances of vertigo. No biggie, i assumed it was from the stubborn headache. Things went according to stressful plan until i hit Walmart. I was so tired and i didn't feel so well. Couple that with it was hot, and my car has leather seats, a leather steering wheel and NO air conditioning!! I decided to just go to walmart and then drop my girlfriend off, go home and rest a little. Well while at walmart all of a sudden, the right side of my face went numb. I had an inside panic attack. I calmly removed my earpiece, felt my face, went through the "stroke" check list in my head. No loss of motion, check. I quickly checked out and asked my girlfriend to look at my face and was i speaking OK. My speech was clear, I was able to smile,check.. but this pesky numbness bothered me. I decided to go to the emergency room just to be on the safe side. Then go home and rest.

It's Friday night and I'm still in the hospital!! They wanted to check me for a T.I.A. or mini stroke. I have been prodded and poked and scanned and you name it. Soon after i got placed in my room, my best friends sister called me and told me, probably about the time i had the 'walmart" numbness episode. My dear friend had passed away. I was heartened she told me she was there and her brother actually came and was there too. She's in a better place now i know. She didn't die alone. I didn't want that for her, so I'm glad they could be with her. I will miss her dearly and i think i still need to really mourn her properly but given my current condition, I'm not dealing with those feelings just yet.

All of this has been a tremendous source of stress, but I'm refusing to give in to it!!. I'm still planning the moment i get sprung from here going on my trip!. I'm making lists, fighting boredom and head hunger. That is the worst when your bored. I'm also forcing myself to get rest. I even considered asking them do they have a gym!! My blood work is "OK" my good cholesterol is way low. There's no medication for correcting that, The only way to increase it is supposed to be diet and exercise!! Are you kidding me!! My exercise regimen is crazy and my eating, with a few exceptions is pretty damn good.

Ive also been seen by neurologists in case its migraine related. I'm very disappointed as i could have been released today except Ive been waiting to have the MRI done since 11 this morning and it never happened. They claim I'm first on their list in the morning. So my plan is still to hit the road as soon as i leave here. I'm not giving up; this weekend is going to happen!! Whenever i get scared i just think of that. My nurse came in and asked had my Doppler been discussed with me. I said no. (Doppler is where they took ultrasound pics of the arteries that run up both sides of our neck that supply blood and oxygen to our brain) She said it looks "OK". then goes on to say "not great" but OK. W.T.H. is that??!! I went into mini panic mode. I mean who wants to hear "not great" when talking about that!! What does not great mean!! wooooo saaaaa.... (deep breaths) boy this is gonna be a good trip....

This experience has been a lesson in learning me. As little as last week, i would have been going crazy, been depressed, crying, a blubbering mess. probably making things worse. I won't lie, it's hard, it's calling me, wanting to think negative and give up. I would have been thinking why is it always me. I'm never going to be happy. What did i do that i deserved all these bad things to happen always to me.

Well. You know what. It IS always me, and it's going to continue to be always me, as long as i allow it!! It's all in how you look at it and I'm tired of my previous view, so I'm adjusting the viewfinder.

I'm getting the rest i need, whether i want it or not. I'm getting the best care so if there IS something wrong, it can be caught and taken care of!!  I will be fresh for that 6 hour drive!! I get to make 50 million lists so i can carry 3 months worth of things on a 2 day weekend lol. I am learning a new way to look at mi vida loca!! (my crazy life)

P.S. did i tell you i almost got caught in a fight with a neighbors daughter on Wednesday night who's mom came out onto the porch stark, butterball, naked... On a very busy street!! Hmmm I'll have to share that tale with you guys another time!! sorry for rambling post.. I was bored lol.

goodnight all!!


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Taking baby steps...

I'm really exhausted today lately ive been up until 11.. then during sleep, i"m tossing n turning.. then back up at 5 in the morning. I should be asleep now, but i didn't want to much time to go by without checking in with you guys. Truth is, even though ive been busy over these few days, I've had a LOT on my mind. I've been wandering by almost in a fog if you will. Trying to figure out how to re-invent me. Now you might say, why should you want to. Well the answer is simple, because i need to. It's so weird I've had all these thoughts swirling in my mind for a couple days now, yet I find myself sitting here unable to put exactly into words what im thinking.

I know that everyone, well most people seem to have adversity in thier life. I think i'm finally seeing that the difference in the outcome is usually in HOW you handle the situation. For the longest time, ive been the fall apart and cry, or run and hide, type of person. In my head afterwards, i always seem to wish i had said or done something different. I always felt powerless to do so though. I remember once many years ago, i had a male that i considered a friend. We were in the lunchline and i was doing what i normally do, Just playing with him and poking him etc: He turned around and slapped me across my face. I didn't cry but i was stunned. I did nothing and neither did anyone else and i was ashamed. I remember going home and getting in the bed and closing my eyes and dreaming up all these scenarios. Like my brothers coming up to beat him up. Like me punching him in the eye, Like someone coming to my rescue. That scenario has followed me. Whenever there's adversity i go into my own little private world and dream up responses. problem is, those dream responses only work IN the dream, so nothing happens.

Where is this going you ask.. (honestly i wasn't sure myself for a minute), It's going to point out this. I realize there were 2 sets of thinking there. His action, which freed him from whatever he was feeling, and my reaction, which did nothing but sit inside me for over 20 years as you can see. Im sure if i ran into him today, he would not recall that incident, or at least not without thought or seeing my face to trigger it. Now im not condoning violence. The point i'm trying to make is this, Holding it in and stewing over it makes it worse. I never saw that before but i spend so much time bieng miserable that it saps my strength. It takes all my joy. It hampers me and immobilizes me. It causes depression and anxiety. I'm realizing now that if i at least TRY, I won't feel so miserable and ashamed. It will force me to be a part of this world. To take my rightful place among the living! I won't speand so much time going, "i wish i had".

This week has been an effort for me because I'm DETERMINED to turn that around. I didn't want to go to the gym, but I've been there everyday this week. Despite shut off notices, a car that wasn't done properly, a girlfriend on her death bed, overdrawn bank accounts, an incompetant lab partner and thoughts of quitting school, and guess what; AMAZING things happened to me. I didn't go get in my car and cry alone, I did however try to sit alone in the cafeteria and people came and sat with me. There i was crying in my cheerios, literally.. and they said, i'm not letting you sit alone. i admit, I was annoyed and thinking. god i wish they'd go away, but the part of me that was struggling to NOT sit in my car was glad i was not alone. I explained to my director why i was thinking of quitting school (something i normally wouldn't have shared) and they refused to let me go!! They helped me pay the overdraft and termination notice! The shop did a shoddy job on my car and even though my knees were shaking and im still nervous about the whole thing. I stood my ground and insisted they do it right or i wasn't paying!! I was almost physically sick after that confrontation, and i had thoughts of, o no!! theyre gonna do something bad to my car and i shouldn't have done that, but my friend said, No you've become a squeaky wheel and they're going to do the best job they can so they can get the check and get rid of you. they know now if somethings wrong, your going to be a pain in thier ass lol. I hope he's right!

Thing is, Even though I still felt scared, and overwhelmed, I kept on pushing. I felt like a zombie, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go to the gym, i was tired and my knees ached, But i fought myself every step of the way!! Today when i stepped off the treadmill my the thought in my brain was. I did it!! It's going to take a long time before i can declare myself victorious, but I'm doing it. I'm walking the line. In all this, my eatting has been pretty good. I won't lie, i had a lapse and accidently fell into a bucket of 10 cent wings and accidently inhaled some on the way up lol. That's ok though. it was a choice i made and i didn't and wont beat myself up over it. I'm going to keep on trying to move on!! Baby Steps!!

I want to thank everyone so much. You guys really make me think and are so supportive and its helps me so much. I really am feeling like im not invisible anymore, and i think i like that feeling!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Finding peace when there seems to be none...

Lately ive been going through so many things. I used to ask myself "why me" all the time. I no longer do that. instead i moved onto it's always me. I'm like all of the characters we watched as a kid growing up that seem to have nothing but bad luck. Charlie Brown, Linus, etc: I always felt i had a black cloud hanging over my shoulder.

I seemed to expect it, my life isn't right unless something is going wrong. I would always look at other people and think, what's thier secret. How can they be so happy all the damn time!! What is i've done that is so horrible that i have to be punished. I ask myself everyday what it is that i'm doing wrong.

People are always telling me that im strong, that my blessing is around the corner, all the things people say to try to make someone whos hurting feel better. I never believed it, I truly believed i am destined to suffer my entire life and then just die suffering. This week i had given up. I was broken, correction i am broken, but not completely.

Something happened this weekend. Yesterday, i got a call from my best friends sister. My best friend had been going through a lot of things, She had breast cancer, it was very aggressive. She was diagnosed and within 2 weeks of bieng diagnosed, she had to have a mastectomy of her left breast. After that they told her there was still some more that she would need to have removed. I think Clara got scared, within 2 weeks of the mastectomy, with cancer still in her arm, she ran away. She left us and we had no idea where she was. We just prayed one day she would call us.

That one day came last week. She went into the hospital in Atlanta, she couldn't breathe. They discovered she had pnuemonia. When they did the chest xrays they discovered the cancer had spread through her lungs. She will not live. On Tuesday she could still speak enough to refuse treatment. Clara is 41 years old. She has had a hard life. An abusive marraige, she loved kids but was unable to have any. She has a sister, a brother and a mom. Only me and her sister really. Her mom and brother may not even go to see her. I don't want her to die alone but i can't afford to go. I have no money. I dont want her to die alone. She doesn't deserve that. Noone does.

If she knew i was sitting here crying she would fuss at me. Drawl all 4 foot 3 of herself up and give ME a hug. She would try to encourage and comfort me!! She was one of those people i always envied, she never complained out loud, always smiling, always helpful, always loved everyone. I am soo ashamed. I have given up on life when there are those who are fighting for life. I have no right to do that. She would not give up on herself on me and I will NOT give up either. For her, I will live a life she would be proud of. I will learn this lesson. Once she got so mad at me she didn't speak to me for months, i had no idea why and when she did again she told me it was because i had so much. I was so blessed and couldn't even see it. She was right. I didn't see it.

I'm not going to pretend i all of a sudden see it. However i do see i cant give up. Even when my heart and mind and body wants to, i will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am so numb with pain right now, but i have joy too for all the good times we had and sadness for all the lessons she tried to teach me that i didn't learn. There are so many people who go through things daily, some we may never know how bad it is because they choose to enjoy what they can out of life. This is going to be a long hard road. It's going to be bumpy but im going to make it. There are so many Clara's out there who see the bigger picture.

I can't spend my life thinking about tomorrow. For some tomorrow never comes. We have to live each day as if there will be no tomorrow. I choose to live today.

Clarabell, i love you and you may never see this but you have taught me so much, I will carry you forever in my heart. I will try to live by your example. God is preparing a special place for you. I'll always carry the time with me in the 3rd grade when i spent the night at your house and when we went to school the next day you told everyone i stole your favorite underwear!! I'll bring them with me when i see you again sweety..

P.S. I know you hate it when i call you Clarabell.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I know it's been a couple days since i blogged but i'm going through a really hard time right now. It has nothing to do with weight though.. yet anyways, Ive managed to NOT eat terribly YET. I just keep crying and crying and just can't seem to get up the energy to write. Ever been so afraid you don't know where to turn? Afraid to stop, afraid to keep going. Can't see ahead and the road behind is to awful to contemplate going back to. sigh. Im so tired of bieng tired and scared and worried and stressed. Hopefully in a couple days,,I'll be ready to write. If i'm able.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Lessons learned.. and relearned...

I want to eat.. I want cake.. I want lots of it.. I want to close my eyes and just feel the texture and savor every morsel... I also want to cry.. Holding in crying makes me want cake... Or a doughnut maybe.. Just some carb sugary goodness from somewhere anywhere to make me feel better..

Whats wrong.. sigh.. I don't know. I've been doing really well this week. I even went to the gym yesterday morning and jogged on the treadmill!! I was so proud of me. Thats a goal of mine. Just to be able to run comfortably when you want to. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes while walking, or walking fast, i just want to break out and run.. No apparent reason for this. Just to do it. Since ive had knee surgeries on both my knees and also have arthritis in them, It's not really advised that i do, but i still aspire to. I don't want to run marathons. Just if the urge hits me, break out into a little jog for a while, not to much to ask i think. Before when i did this, i couldn't take more than a few steps because of pain. Yesterday though, my mind and my body wanted to soar, to run, to be free if even for a moment. I hit the button on that treadmill and took it to 5.1. I jogged. I felt free. I felt excited. The feeling lasted for all of 2 minutes and i slowed to a fast walk but then i did it again.. and again..

My foods been good all week. I don't know if i will show a loss or not but thats ok. I'll adjust the amount if need be. Right now the concern is in getting my meals in. Today though, the stress got to me. Dealing with the insurance company and the garage over my car. My fear the car will never be the same. I know minor things maybe but for me they signaled an attack. I had my lunch all planned out, Turkey burger, fruit etc:,, but my throat closed. I didn't want to do anything but sit in my car and cry. I went to my car but all of a sudden i didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to cry. Well my body did but i didn't feel like giving in to the dispair. I was still at school and boy did i want food, junk food. I went into the cafeteria and ordered a double order of hot wings. 6 to an order. I ate about 10 of them, and about 4 cups of watermelon, but the cake was still calling me. The wings were horrible, and i ate them thinking.. man these are nasty.. but everytime i felt a tear and didnt allow it fall i thought man i want a piece of cake soo bad. So instead of getting the cake, I went up to the computer lab to blog. While there, a classmate who saw me go up, came and asked me would i like to go for a walk by the river. I did, we walked and talked for 45 minutes and i felt lot better.

There is a lesson in this day. Previously i would have sat in my car and not eatten a thing, cried and been miserable the rest of the day. Weakened mentally i would have made bad choices the rest of the day. By making the simple choice to not isolate myself at that time, a chain of events ensued that helped me get through it. I still wanted and still want that cake, but i know every single time i make the choice to have or do something else, Thats a victory!! Yes i ate off plan but it wasn't all bad. I had a long walk after and i was able to contain it. I didn't allow it to give me an excuse to say the hell with it and let the head hunger win.

One step at a time, One decision at a time. Head hunger is like a persistant child. It will not go away quickly or easily. Sometimes it wears away at us and makes deals and bargains. Just this one time can't hurt... Don't fall for the lies!! Say no,, again and again if necessary. You can do it, if you stumble it's ok, stand up straight again and keep on going!

You can do it!! I have faith!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Simply aThank You..

I just needed to take a moment to thank you guys. Before i went to bed last night i browsed blogs and did everything i normally do for a few moments, but i avoided my blog. The reason i did that was because i was afraid to reread it. I was afraid of the pain i know is in me. None of those things is new, I mean really, they were my life, but when you keep it inside, you can iggnore it, forget it, Not think about it. When it is laid in fron of you, you have no choice but remember, and of course it hurts. I believe it's a healing hurt though. It's a process of  properly "mourning" the past so that i can go on. I was surprised at how many comments i had. I think i felt that writing that blog made me a misfit. Ive shared to much. Made them uncomfortable. Hell i made ME uncomfortable, but isnt that what this is about? getting out of that "comfort" zone that has allowed us to hide for so long?

My childhood made made me who i am. I realize now, i will forever be "bookish". I will forever prefer the company of myself or a single person. I will forever be mentally older than those who are my age. I will forever be the fixer. I really LOVE to do those things. The thing i need to realize is. That is ok!! Once i accept that. Truly accept that, that is who i am, and it's ok. I will be much happier. None of the things i am are bad things. I think somewhere along the line i fell into this idea that life had to fit a "mold". That i began to feel things were so bad for me and i wanted those "book" moms and "tv" moms lives so bad that i lost focus of reality.

I don't know what expectations i had of blogging or if i had any. I do know though that by writing and reading, it has helped me a great deal. I LOVE reading your blogs because it gives me perspective. It makes me ask myself the tough questions. It shows me that wow. There is someone else there who knows, who understands, who can relate. I cannot Thank You guys enough. I get so much from you. I think even though we don't always say it. We get so much from each other. Sometimes i read and the blogs are so inspirational and upbeat all the time and i think. Wow why can't that be me. However at the same time, it gives me the sense that well, he or she is accomplishing it, maybe i can too. The support is awesome and it encourages and helps people. Sometimes it's that one comment that may help someone who's having a tough time make it through the day. I don't have to tell you how good it feels to get that "supportive" hug. Thats all most of us need and for me, your comments are hugs, they say no matter what you think of yourself. We see the person you are peeking out. Sometimes we lose focus of who we are and need someone else to point that person out.

Sometimes the blogs are sad and so filled with pain i just wished i knew where they lived so i could hug them and tell them it was ok.. (although that would probably end up with me blogging from a jail cell lol). I just know there are so many of us in this boat and in this journey, and to any who are silently watching and reading, not knowing what to do, afraid. You are not alone. I feel you, I hear you, I know you, I am you and i thank you for your silent support. I thank you for taking the steps to be here and beginning the process of your healing.

I challenge you all. Wether you share it or not. Think about why you want to lose weight or why your disfunctional with food. Not the cosmetic, like i just wanna be smaller, healthier, etc: Im sure thats part of it, but when your by yourself, examine what it is you REALLY hope will happen when you lose it. What does it signify to you.

Thank you all sooo sooo much. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to know there's someone out there who hears my cries. I am not alone, and i can do this!!

Well it's time for my walk and talk with my heart. I wonder what goodies todays walk will be. My focus is going to be on rewarding myself.

Talk to you soon