Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Friday, April 30, 2010

Why am i blogging? What's the point? Who do i think i am anyways?

Sigh.. I have so much on my mind lately i don't know where to begin. Jack sh*t posted a blog a few days ago about blogging and I've been thinking about it. Why do i blog? Honestly i don't know. Sometimes i think it's about approval and validation. I was 385 pounds, diabetic, on heavy medication for depression, I felt invisible and unloved and scared and wanted to die, I felt empty. After a little over a year i had dropped 150 pounds, completely off depression meds, back in school full time, no longer diabetic but guess what?? I still feel invisible, i STILL feel empty, I still feel unloved, unworthy and scared. The fat left me but why didn't the other stuff go with it? I had hopes and dreams a skinnier me would make all the difference.I would fit in, I would love parties, I would magically become popular!! I didn't. Sigh...

I realized the weight is but a symptom, or perhaps the weight caused new symtoms, who knows, i just know the insecurity is here. bottled up. So when my girlfriend admitted to me she had been blogging for some time i decided to give it a try. maybe talking stuff out would help. The new thing that i learned, it's just as scary to put your feelings here as it would be to a roomful of people! I felt let down when i didn't get followers, i felt sure noone cared or read my story, I felt inadequate, I read other blogs and thought. OMG i'm not in thier league! So i stopped for a while. I felt like your always such a downer. Why do you even bother, Your worthless.

Then one day a few months after I stopped blogging I got a comment. It simply said. "How are you". I think i realized right then and there. I do matter. I get so used to the "fat girl" way of thinking. The lie that becomes our lives, of hidden binges, of eatting in our cars pulled to the corner of the parking lot, of saying to ourselves it doesn't matter because noones watching. Truth is, we never know who's watching.

 I decided this journey has to be about me. My good, my bad and my ugly because if i can't be honest with myself, I can't achieve my goal. It no longer matters as much if i get comments, or see followers. It's in my heart to do this, at my pace and in my style. I believe that for this time, writing my journey down will be benificial and the Lord will lead those here who need to be here, just as he guides me where i need to be. When i write, i can never title it until im done because I just allow my thoughts to flow from my heart. When you hear me speak of pain often im writing with tears streaming down my face, When i speak of laughter, know there's a smile on my face. When the posts seem to be all over, It's because at that moment, My feelings are all over. When i write im pouring out emotion. If im missing a few days, It will normally be because i'm fighting the inner demon that tells me im worthless and im isolating.

I can't promise you great pictures, or witty, or funny or great tips, I can only promise you reality as i see it in all it's terrible and awesome glory. If your lucky some of it may be witty and have a great tip or 2 for you.

I'm sure if i keep at it in time it will evolve into something or other. What; i don't know. I do enjoy the comments though, they motivate me and encourage me and keep me going, It also encourages me thinking theres someone out there that doesn't have the heart to say these things, thats hurting, but needs this encouragement to know that although its not easy it can be done. It's not all sunshine and roses and thats ok. It's a cleansing process. It's a painful process, but much like the flowers in the spring. When the rain clears and the sun shines above we will stand proud and beautiful.

I also love reading other blogs as they help me grow and give me food for thought. I pray whoever is reading this gives some thought to why it is you do what you do.

What are your goals? Your hopes? What is it that you need? What are you looking for?

My goal and hope is to be a better me. To be confident in who i am, learn to love me at each stage and not be afraid of the scale anymore, To stop comparing myself to other women, thinking im not light enough, not slim enough, i don't have a booty like "delishush" from "flavor of love", That my hair isn't right, I even berate myself for bieng knock kneed and pigeon toed, like i had a say in that!! To be ok with me. To feel like im worthy of bieng loved, The list goes on forever and I have a long way to go.

This is probably a ride you probably wont wan't to miss!! I know i'd much rather be watching than on the ride!! I can tell you that much! Well it's bedtime for me. School tomorrow, Well in 5 hours actually sigh.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What the hell is Binge eatting really?

It's been a few days since i blogged, On friday i had this awesome blog about a conversation my therapist and i had about the Biggest Loser show.(that will be coming)  I also had various other thoughts and things i wanted to blog about but as usual life jumped in and threw me a lot of fast balls at one time. I was so down that when i wasn't wearing my "in front of the world mask" I was somewhere huddling and crying my heart out. Wishing something horrible would happen to me. Wanting to die and not having the courage to off myself. I'd like to say i was strong and didn't eat over it, but i did. I'm confused on this whole binging thing. In my head binging is when someone eats and entire bag of cookies, a tub of ice cream.. Just basically consuming very large quantitys of food uncontrollably.

Sometimes i think im a binger and sometimes i think im a disfunctional eatter. When i get stressed, I can't eat, my throat closes up, but when i finally do eat, it's usually a non nutritious comfort food, or even if its good food, it's more than i should, or in the middle of the night or i'll eat and go right to sleep. Just unhealthy things in general, not keeping track of portions, not caring about what i put in my mouth and thats just bad. Like i ate a kit kat for the first time in over 2 years, I also ate like 2 cups of spinich dip and who knows how many handfuls of chips with it. Is that binging?? Once i ate an entire half a watermelon. Is that Binging? What the hell is a binge?  More to the point. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is food so wrong? Why does it signal bad Trina if i eat some potatoe chips or a kit kat? Whats wrong with feeling bad and having a tub of ice cream ONCE in a while? It's so damn frustrating!!

and scary. Is this my forever life? Unhappy with the foods i get to eat? Afraid of gaining a pound? Lying awake at night and having a tear streak across your cheek and you realize it's because your hungry and it's to late for something? Stuffing your face with unhealthy amounts of good stuff trying to iggnore the craving you have for a slice of cake, or a candy bar, or a piece of pizza or mashed potatoes? We all know that doesn't help. The craving is there like the elephant on your chest. Im sorry to tell all you wonderful perfect and healthy eatters out there. Celery and/or fruit is NOT going to remove the craving. They don't taste like what your craving, Only that thing your craving tastes like what your craving! Then your Feeling like shit everytime you have the thoughts like this. Feeling like shit because you gave in and had those 2 (ok 3) subway cookies? or that candy bar you haven't had in 2 years and when you dont satisfy that craving, other memories of foods you've had enter into the picture, now your thinking about and wanting to taste them also. Your miserable!!

Is that really the life i want? All so that men can look at me with desire? Although all the desire in thier eyes signals is wanting to have sex with me and nothing else. Little do they know, the jokes on them, Once the miracle push up bra and girdle falls down,, so does everything they were holding up!! Does it really matter if the women i see snicker or think of me in disgust? I mean lets face it, Im not interested in them. Does it really matter that no one sits next to me on the bus? I mean really who wouldnt love a free seat to themselves?

Am i really just trading one misery for another? I mean there's the "fat" girl misery, of bieng socially unacceptable and bieng lonely inside, feeling invisible, eatting in secret. and theres the "skinny" girl misery. (my terms only) of bieng socially accepted but still miserable on the inside. Secretly starving myself, saying no to foods i really want to say yes to. Beating myself up over and over again. Usually also eatting in secret is involved.

Is this all there is? Why does it hurt so much? Why is it so important? Why in the hell do i keep asking why and shedding tears when none of it makes a difference? I will be, no matter how small the number on the scale goes, no matter how small the pants i buy may be, no matter how socially acceptable i may become. I'll always have issues with food. I'll always be that fat girl inside. I'll be a disfunctional eatter. Much like a person in a wheelchair knows, There are many things they can do to improve thier situation, improve thier outlook a little. Improve thier quality of life but as im ever fond of saying. When the lights go out, and you lie alone in the dark. the stark unforgiving reality is there. You can't fool yourself. You can iggnore, pretend, imagine, but every once in a while, your arm gets tired of holding up the curtain and as it falls at your feet. For that one moment. You know stark naked unforgiving truth. The question is.. What is your truth?


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Just another day...

Well as you can see i did go ahead and weigh myself. I'm down it looks like 4 pounds but i'm still kind of unhappy to be honest. I guess it's because i know it could have been better without the binge. I remember that i had a piece of pound cake with that half a chicken and green at midnight that night. It's weird how your mind will try and protect you from things you dont want to remember.. is it not? hmmm..

This past couple days ive been in a fog, or depression, i honestly don't know whats wrong. I haven't exercised, as a matter of fact, I slept yesterday from 6 in the evening until this morning and im still exhausted and numb. I have a walking in a fog feeling. Perhaps sensory overload. If my trainer teaches step class this evening, i will go. If not, i'm just going to go home and get in the bed again.

Foodwise, I can't say I'm on track, I pretty much just consume lots of fruit as its the easiest thing to eat without much thought. For lunch I have 2 turkey sandwhiches, the rest is fruit. A giant tub of watermelon, a banana, applesauce, an orange and an apple. Not that i'll eat all the fruit (probably most of it) but I like a variety. Im at school right now in the computer lab. Not much to say yet. Brains in a super fog.

I did however go on the coolest tour ever yesterday. We went to Consol Energy, and they have a field lab!! Ok i would just LOVE, LOVE LOVE to work in a field lab!! I'd be just like the person you see on tv way up on a mountain with a 4 wheeler drawing a sample of gas from a pipe, or going down into a mine to get a sample, or out onto a lake in a rowboat, or ontop of a smoke stack!! (aint sure how that ones gonna work cuz im deathly afraid of hieghts) but doesnt it just SOUND exciting!! I really hope i get my externship there, or at Sunoco. Well gonna keep my prayers going and fingers crossed.

Well it's time for me to get going.. Until later be blessed and happy.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tears wash the soul.. Binging feeds the heart...

I'm in a bad way today. This whole weekend for me from friday has just been i dunno, i can't say awful but ive just had this feeling of i dont know. You know how you walk around with a lump in your throat? Like you want to cry but your body is fighting it with a zombie like feel. All you can manage is a lump in your throat that wont go up or down. Too bad it doesn't block food. I'm going to try to start at the beginning but there will be things left unsaid. There's a part of things that im not ready to share. It's too long and involved to explain and i don't need the judgemental things and feelings that will distract from the real issues. Possibly in time. Now is not the time though.

Anyways, Today is a friends birthday out of town, so for some time i planned to come here for this weekend. This i think caused a LOT of stress in me because things have been really really horrible at home financially. I literally cant pay my basic bills. Most times i spend just afraid. Will today be the day the house of cards tumbles. My daughter is trying to go to her first prom and i haven't even brought the dress. I have to come up with money for her reenrollment in school. She's in a private school yes but that had to be because she would have failed out of school by the 10th grade. They literally saved her life. I'm blessed to have found them and in case your wondering, Shes there on a scholorship and my tuition is 30 dollars a month. and im behind on a 30 dollar a month tuition. I can't manage to pay 30 dollars a month to a school that saved my childs life. Im always afraid to go to her school. Im terrified of the tuition officer. New contract time causes panic attacks in me. The only other thing i pay is 175 reenrollment fee. I know i dont have to share this but as im writing, im realizing theres stuff thats eatting at me and needs to come out, So as i write with tears streaming down my face finally, just follow along or go away. This is about ME and letting go so i can go on.

I binged on Friday, we'll really this whole weekend. It started with a birthday party we had for our program coodinator. I made chicken wings as i always do. I got up at 4 am because i was leaving for my trip right after school. Anyways at lunchtime, i had packed my lunch for on the road and for lunchtime as i didnt want to stay in the caf. Well i ended up staying in the caf. It started out ok i guess, I ate 3 wing dings, sum augratin potaoes, some other type of potatoe dish and indian woman in my class made, 2 slices of cheese pizza, yeah you see it going wrong from here right? I then as near as i can remember ate 2 mini cupcakes (i hate icing so i only eat the cake part) I had a piece of cake, minus mousse in center and icing, i had ice cream, a few scoops of chicken salad with almonds, did i mention the 4 girl scout cookies, 2 or 3 chips with some kind of dip on it, I went back for second on chicken. i dont even remember what else. I just remember thinking Trina what the hell are you doing!! Your going to weigh yourself on Monday! but i guess the bigger part just didn't care, i told myself i wouldn't eat for the rest of the day, but during the 5 hour drive that evening i did. I ate 2 sandwhiches, a quart baggie of grapes, i had a banana or 2, i had a bag of sunchips. I was totally freaked. It was an out of control panicky feeling. here i was going out of town, which i couldn't afford, it only cost me gas and tolls though, It only takes me about a half tank to get where im going, but still, i was going to see a friend for their birthday and i had nothing. that hurt me a lot to as this friend does sooo much for me. Like this is thier birthday weekend and they spent another 300 dollars on my car trying to get the check engine light off (another story and its still on btw!) and today, on the birthday, they will probably spend trying to fix the ac in my car, it's pretty horrible eatting lunch alone in a car in 80 degree weather with no ac and leather seats. They also filled my tank back up for the trip home and fixing the ac is going to be another 50 or 60 dollars. Your saying why are you letting them do that. mostly its because this person is what i call a "forceful insistor" sigh, but it kills me. All i could afford to do was get a card, and i couldn't even put anything into it. Im so ashamed. Im ashamed im poor and people think they have to care for me, i ashamed i dont have anything to offer anyone.Im ashamed of me. So i eat. Eatting feeds my heart.

I binged again yesterday, I had homefries and toast and turkey sausage and eggs, i ate fruit, i ate a fried catfish sandwhich, french fires, i ate 2 small slices of pizza, 2 sandwhiches and a whole half of a bar b que chicken last night at midnight. it's laughable but even while binging i try and minimize the damage. I dug all the bread out of the roll, i took half the fish off the bun and when my friend asked was i going to eat that i lied and said no. truth was i was going to eat it. Maybe part of me was trying for damage control. Today i haven't eatten yet but the out of control feeling hasn't left. It's still there like a giant monster in my chest aching to be free. telling me you already suck so who cares. You may as well eat. All you are is a dreamer. Thats what it tells me.

Sigh. I still plan on getting on the scale tomorrow. Im sure it will spiral me down into more depression and disfunctional eatting but im scared and dont know what to do. My body and mind are tired and want and need a break, some comfort, Some form of forgetting if even for a moment. I can't turn to my family and i dont really have any friends i can just put all this on. Human nature of people who love you is to try to fix things but i hurt so badly i think because i want to fix myself and can't. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be the one that comes to the rescue. Im so DAMNED tired of bieng the poor fat girl that always needs saving, is always alone, is dreaming of a life that will never come. Im screaming right now. On the inside, Im just screaming and screaming and screaming and cant stop. I feel useless and hopeless and impotent. I feel ugly and unworthy and unwanted and unneeded. I feel numb.

I know all these feelings will pass soon, my mind will shut down and cover them with the necessity of moving foreward in life no matter what it gives you. But they will be there, again and again ready to come out. There is so much more i need to get out but its going to have to come at a later time. People are starting to awaken and i'm loathe to be discovered all red eyed, snotty and wet on the living room couch. i'm going to go and collect myself and pull out the appropriate mask for the day.

No time to proof it so i hope punc. n spelling aren't to horrible.

Till next time


Thursday, April 15, 2010

just another one of those days...

I’m sitting here in the lab, for those of you who don’t know, I’m in school to become a chemical lab. Technician. It wasn’t my preferred profession, but I’m broke and it’s free AND a specialized degree program AND the credits are transferrable. So here I am. My experiment is finished, well sort of, anyhow I’m bored, and when I’m bored I ponder and reflect and turn introspective. For some reason, I’m tired today and down. It was one of those days where I watched all the black girls in the class hanging out and getting lunch together and felt sad. I always wonder why people don’t like me. I’m pretty sure I don’t stink. Hold on, imma actually ask the guy next to me. He said I smell like a wildebeest, and then he laughed and said no.

 Sigh...i never seem to fit in anywhere. I dont appear to be "hood" enough for the blacks, I'm generally to intense and thoughtful for the other people, and according to my teacher, people tend to shy away from darker skinned blacks. There are a million and one theorys under the sun about why,, however, i could care less about the theory of why and am more interseted in the "how to rememedy it".  I tell myself all the time I don’t care, but I guess I do because here I am whining to you guys about it. Yesterday we went on a tour of Sunoco, (you know the oil comp.) I am sooo praying to get my internship there, so anyways, I know that’s where I want my internship, so I dressed really nice, tried to be really attentive and ask questions. He gave a kind of presentation and told people to ask questions, well after a few times of him saying “any questions” and no one asking any, I jumped in and asked basic common sense questions. My theory was to make sure he knew that someone was paying attention. I kid you not it was as quiet as a ghost town. Anyways, at the end of the tour, I stayed behind and waited until an opportune time for me to go up, shake his hand, say thank you and comment he had given me a lot to think about.

When I left I overheard one of THEM,, my classmates, say you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Then they started laughing etc: I spent all day yesterday telling myself I didn’t care. This is an opportunity for me. I didn’t think I was pushy and everyone else had the opportunity to speak up but didn’t. However obviously I do care because I had to spend all of yesterday telling myself that over and over and second guessing myself and questioning did I go overboard, did I annoy him with my questions, was I too much, was being the only one staying behind and shaking his hand too pushy. Sometimes being me sucks big time.

Ultimately, We still have to interview for the position when it comes available and who says I won’t like another company we tour, there are 13 of us and they have to place us all. I also Like Consol, We go there on Monday, that’s hi on my list too, but now I feel like I want to fade to the back. Hide. I feel disapproved of and we all know all I really want IS approval. I'm afraid this experience will taint other experiences. I’m really confused. However, that’s the story of my life. We’ll I have a million and one things to do and think about now, yeah,, my brain is a pit and your at the edge. Be careful!!

Well  I’ll leave you all to your day, Enjoy it!! Never know what tomorrow will bring!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Fat Grease Monkey Mom 3/3 (Who am I Really?)

Whew, it took days but i finally got out everything i wanted to say that 1 day!! So here goes.

This is the blog I intended to write that fateful morning I got up with car trouble. On Thursday I believe it was, my friend Dawn wrote on her blog and talked about putting on her “face” in front of people, and being unapologetically you. That got me to thinking, who am I? I mean follow me for a minute. Am I the outgoing girl that wears tight clothes, and is confident in all situations, or am I the shy girl who doesn't like to make eye contact and sits and eats lunches in her car alone? Am I the life of the party or the one against the wall? I ask myself that all the time. Sometimes I think, I’m that outgoing person and the fat has robbed me of that outgoing personality and made me afraid and an introvert; However sometimes I feel like I’m that shy introverted person that’s studious and actually does love to spend time by herself and i feel like somethings wrong with that, or maybe I just want a taste of being looked at in a good light for a change, with desire instead of ridicule or disgust, or just as bad, pity. I feel like ive been robbed, call the police! Alert the authority’s! My identity has been stolen.

How can I be unapologetically me when I don’t know who me is anymore? How can I take off the mask when I can’t tell which is the mask? It’s been so long, but even without the years, Usually obesity, well in my case anyways comes with some sort of disfunction at a young age, a cause if you will, a need for something. In my case my mom was standoffish and kind of abusive. Even to this day at 40 years old she has the power to reduce me to tears by the simple act of refusing a gift from me. So ive never known what it is to be Trina.. All ive ever known is to strive to be perfect. To make everyone love me because my mom didn’t. We all know that’s something that can never be achieved. When I couldn’t achieve that impossible goal, I became depressed. I hid. I don’t think it was the quantity of food that did me in, I think it was the quality, whoppers w cheese and fries etc:, and the inactivity. I don’t care what you eat. If you eat 1 whopper meal per day and sleep for 10 hours after. Your gonna gain weight! That’s another post though.

Where was i? O yeah, As I was saying, In my entire life, all I’ve ever wanted to do was the “right” thing. In my eyes, “right” meant, whatever seemed to be what society said, whatever would get me accepted. In middle school, I stole candy and risked beatings with extension cords daily. I hated the candy I stole, it was never for me, it was so the other kids would like me. I wet the bed until 16 yrs of age and had anxiety attacks in the third grade. I hung on the edges of the cool crowd all while growing up. Always a physical part but never a mental part. More at home lost in my world of books than in the presence of people who constantly let me down. Even my marraige, I chose him not so much because i was in love but because i knew he was responsible, would take care of any children we had. I'd never be someones, single baby momma trying to make it on her own. Even this weight loss journey. It’s about society and the way they look at you. Yeah we SAY we want to be healthy, that’s a factor too, but a major part of it, a bigger piece than most of us will ever admit is that we just want and need to be accepted.

The feeling we have when another woman (or man) that society tells us is gorgeous and healthy and slender walks in the room. The shame we have when we look at ourselves in the mirror. It doesn't matter what we tell ourselves in public, what we allow people to tell us, when were alone in the dark, with our tears, we know.. we know we want that more than anything in the world. To have someone look at US like were looking at them. Truth is, most of us never will. Those commercials for weight loss drugs annoy me, I mean ok you have a woman that lost 160 lbs. She's got a 6 pack! Like hell!! where the disclaimer she had surgery? Where the hell did the droopy skin go! I tell you, i literally KILL myself in the gym almost 5 days a week, and yes some of my skin has tightened, but theres no way 160 lbs of skin is snappin back like a rubber band. Everywhere!! Puh lease!!!  I got wrinkly skin in places i didnt even KNOW could wrinkle!! Like between the top of my thighs!! ewwwww!! and my belly button and female reproductive organ are now on equal ground!! wth is that about!!! o lord, ive gotten side tracked and gone off on a rant again.. excuse me...

I think though I do need to work on not caring if I’m accepted or not. It’s a slow process, It’s happening but slowly. I discovered I LIKE eating in my car by myself most days, I need to be ok with that, and on days I don’t feel like it, I need to also be ok with getting out and mingling with people.(thats gonna be the hard part) I may not know exactly who I am yet but I do know, you have to be OK with the choices you make.

So I offer up a toast.. Here’s to finding out who I am,, and the journey to become, unapologetically me!!


Monday, April 12, 2010

Fat Grease Monkey Mom 2/3 (Hiding in Plain sight)

I swear this has been one adventure filled day!! God is so good, I prayed throughout that whole car deal and he placed the right people around me to help me get what needed to be done, done! Ok so my next hurdle, I volunteered at a graduation ceremony for my school. I really just wanted a chance to see what it will be like when I graduate, but they gave me parking detail!! Ok so I’m kind of uncomfortable around people I don't know. Shy insecure, etc: To top it off they gave us t-shirts, I asked for a 3x, she gave me a 2x. So there was anxiety about would it fit me? Would I look ridiculous? I figured ok, maybe it won’t look too awful. Until she informed us, no jeans!! Ok, so I’m going to be a fat parking attendant, in a too small t-shirt, with dress pants!! Can you say kill me now!! Sigh, but I have this annoying habit of wanting to keep my word no matter what... But I mean really. I am a 250 pound, severely knock kneed African American woman. (That has nothin to do with anything lol but it paints a picture). I felt so self conscious; I tried to get posted in an inconspicuous, shady spot, where no one would see me. How about I got placed on the busiest corner, of the busiest street, in my city!!! To direct traffic!! Is this NOT an overweight woman’s worse nightmare!! Needless to say, I got through it. It wasn't easy; I tried to hide behind a bush... It didn’t work; the bush was smaller than me!! I tried easing down the block, that didn’t work either, people kept trying to let me cross the street, except I wasn't crossing lol.

That was the worst 2 hours of my life. Afterwards, I went in and watched the ceremony and there, I finally had a glimpse of the person I may be. I'll explain, I went to the bathroom in this gorgeous synagogue? It too was beautiful, anyways I was in there alone, washing my hands and in the mirror in front of me I saw a mirror behind me. It was the kind you see movie stars sitting in front of in the movies, it had those big round bright globe lights and it came to almost the floor. I turned around and saw myself. I took a good look and thought, wow, you are getting skinny, ok my outfit still felt ridiculous but I saw a slimmer me for a change. I saw that the shirt did fit, it came over my hips, and I saw me sagging in the back of the pants. (Which lemme tell u for a black chick is NOT a good thing. I so wanted to lose weight everywhere but have a butt the size of a table).. I saw for even a moment, what other people say they see but my mind tells me isn’t possible, what the scale tells me is a lie. I took off the stupid t-shirt, (I had a shirt that was a little more form fitting on under it) and I felt ok, I must say, when I left that bathroom, my head was just a tad higher. I no longer looked only at the floor when I walked... this time I saw some knee caps!! Soon I’ll be seeing faces and making eye contact!!

After that, I went home and changed my clothes because my sister in law was having a cook out. I was kind of nervous because I usually don’t go around his side of the family much. I haven’t had good experiences. They are the type to say things like “I know she ain’t missing any meals” when talking about food etc: or wow you got huge. Yeah they’re that type. Sigh, needless to say, I was nervous. I put on the tightest jeans I could find, along with a kind of low cut shirt and lord of lords, I pulled out the dreaded spanx!! I put on my high heel wedges. All of 2 inches lol cuz that’s as high as I can stand without falling over, and made my grand entrance, I figured, if they were gonna talk anyways, imma give em something to talk about! Sure enough, mouths dropped open and all eyes were on me. Surprisingly most were very nice and gracious. They told me how good I looked, and his little cousin kept telling me how proud she was of me. I think she made me feel the best. Sometimes I would catch her eye and she would just be staring at me smiling, so I finally said why do you keep looking at me like that and she said you are so pretty, look at you. It wasn’t even the words that made me feel good; it was that I could see in her eyes, that she was just genuinely happy and proud of me. That felt so good. The feeling is indescribable. We’ll I better end this one as its getting long too. On to the next post!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fat Grease Monkey Mom.. 1/3

Im going to write 2 posts today. The last couple days a question has been on my mind that has come to me from my friend Dawn's blog. Who am i?.. That question i will attempt to work out in my next post. This one is about my crazy day yesterday!

Ok so i got up yesterday morning with the intention of walking only to discover my car was COMPLETELY dead!! Im freaking out because 1, im majorly broke and 2. My car is my lifeline, you guys have no idea for how many years my friends heard me whine and cry, how many hours i spent praying, how much angst it caused me not having my own vehicle! Yes im married but in my case it's kind of like bieng a single parent with a roomate.. but im not even gonna go there. Ok so ive only had this car about a month, Half of which it was in the shop and i got hosed big time to the tune of 600 dollars, which put me far enough behind on my bills that yesterday morning i opened my door to an official from the electric company telling me he was there to turn my electric off!! I promptly gave him a check for 211.00 which completely emptied my bank account and leaves me wondering how im going to survive till Tuesday after this one when the next small pitance will come.. However, not goin into that either seeing as how tears are not really part of my plan for today.. so where was i?? O yeah..

Car dead.. We have a minivan and my husband was awake, so i told him what was going on and asked him to come out and give me a jump (as im secretly afraid of jumper cables, I have visions of me touching them to the engine and flying backwards through the air with my hair standing up on my head and black soot around my eyes, a stunned look on my face and hands fused to the cables). He was awake when i went out so i thought this was ok. Well i got these big rediculous sighs and you could tell i was "interrupting his much needed lay on his ass time. So i did what we all do, i said nevermind i'll figure it out for myself. I got in my car and drifted it backwards, ran and got van and put it in front of my car and out he comes in time to hook up the cables.

Ok so car started. YAY!! right? ok so i ran car, drove car round the block a couple times, called friend in philly to tell him what happened to me, and he promptly went into "help mode". he told me to park it by the house wait 5 mins and start it again. I did and guess what.. dead as a doornail! AGAIN!! Ok so i pulled myself together enough to not cry, i didnt want to ask my husband to help again so i decided i was going to do this all by myself. I got the van, and my friend walked me though it. I jumped my car, got it sarted again, backed it into a safe spot i could leave it for an extended period of time if need be, then i turned it off, then on again. DEAD!! omg!! ok so im thinking its the battery, my friend offered to locate a bank and put money in for me to get a battery if i needed it, but first i had to get the battery out. Ok so i go in the house for tools, my husbands there, he says,, whatcha doin? I said i think its my battery im going to take it out and go to autozone to have it tested. he didnt say a word!! I got the tools, went outside discovered i forgot my keys, went back to the house to get them, he's in the window, watching me.. hmm ok; (at this point i know your thinking what im thinking, is he going to offer to help?) so i get my keys, go back out, it took me about half an hour but i did it!! i got the battery out!! man was it heavy!! So i go back in the house to check my account and see if i even have enough to buy a cheap battery if thats what i need. This &*%@$!! walks into the living room, in MY pink slippers,, holding a freshly made bowl of cereal, and says. you need any help!!?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! (deep breath) I said, If you really wanted to help me, you could have come out.. etc etc.. im not even going there. We ALL see it for what it is right?

Where was I?? o ok, so i go to autozone, my friend calls me back while there, and between him and the 3 guys and a gal there, they decided, (my battery was fine) my next step should be cleaning any and all corrosion off the battery and the connectors. So they arm me with a bottle of coca cola, a bottle of water and some shop towels. I was afraid it wouldnt work but i did it, it took me an hour, but i scrubbed and whiped and rinsed, i struggled to set the battery back in the car, i turned the key.. and it STARTED!! omg!! i did the happy dance, i was sooooo proud of myself!! I did it!! ME!!! i fixed my car!! it may seem like nothing to some, but boy it felt good. I reassembled everything, which is harder than it seems cuz i kept dropping the stupid screws. I was dirty, but i did it!! I officially give myself the grease monkey mom patch!! O yeah right when i got everything done, HE (the husband) calls me to "check" on me!! I say again!! are you kidding me!!! Man all this happened before 10 a.m. lol and my day has just begun!! I have so much more to talk about but this post is getting long.. This is going to be a 3 post day lol..
you know.. it just occured to me, i was in a parking lot,, people kept looking at me but noone asked if i needed help, or if i was ok,, or anything.. Or maybe they were just stunned to see all this giant flat butt sticking out of the front end of my car LOL.. boy i wonder what i looked like!!


Friday, April 9, 2010

Just one of those mornings...

Today I woke up feeling weird. I slept pretty much all day yesterday, so it was a no exercise day. I hurt so badly I could barely stretch my arms out straight. My night was full of strange dreams. I dreamed about when Dawn, Melanie and I first met. Years ago, we were all 3 well over 300lbs I think and couldn’t walk very far at all. For some reason I remember that day most vividly like it was yesterday. We took a picture in front of a construction site. I dreamed about sitting in my car eating alone. That still happens but the difference is before I was eating in hiding, afraid to let people see me eat because they would think what a pig. I dreamed about what my life would be like if I was at goal weight. Would things be different for me? In my dreams they would be. Men would look at me with desire (which ironically would piss me off because I don’t want to be wanted for only my body) Lord I’m fat and Crazy!! Lol It’s funny because the reason for killing myself seems to be because they “say” I’d be more socially accepted, healthier etc:. That may be so, but somehow losing all this weight and then becoming accepted makes being fat all the worse.

Let me explain. It’s like this. When you’re fat, you know people look at you differently, even though they say they don’t. They tell you have a pretty face or all these other things and you know theyre just trying to be nice but a teeny tiny part of you wants to believe it. So you latch onto it. Without realizing it, you nurture it you latch onto both the hope and the insecurity. You try to tell yourself you’re beautiful as you are and you kind of believe it but not really. You pretend not to but secretly you really do. Then you lose the weight, and you see the difference, you hear those same people that said you were beautiful say things like, wow you look great (but didn’t they say that 200lbs ago?) or all of a sudden the same men who told you were cute before are now always trying to touch and hug you or do things for you they never did before. Or people are saying things to you like I remember when you were “this big” and holding their hands as far apart as they can get, which all of a sudden slams home like never before. The awfulness of the size you were. It makes everything they ever told you feel like a lie. It creates a secret obsession to lose the weight at any cost. It brings the feeling of being as my friend Dawn said;”less than”. I feel less than, I feel frightened, to eat, to gain, to not be accepted, to be friendless, to be all the things I was, but was because I was fat. When the fat is stripped away, and all the "less thans" are laid bare, all the insecurities and ideas and notions of it being this way because I was fat are stripped away.

I can’t help but think of all these things as I sit here in my car, with my tummy actually rumbling out loud because all I’ve had for breakfast was a 130 cal. Protein shake. I hear the screams in your minds. GO EAT SOMETHING!! But I have a louder scream and it’s accompanied by a thousand pair of eyes I’ve seen over the years. The look of disgust and laughter carried in them. The remembrance of not being able to fit in a roller coaster seat when my children say mommy ride with me ,the feeling you get when you discover your kids have been in a fight because someone at school made a bad remark about how fat you are and child feels like they have to defend you, the feeling of being on a full bus where people would rather stand and risk falling than try to fit beside you, the feeling of going into a store and the salesperson running up to you and saying, we don’t carry your size. The feeling of being on an airplane and hearing a passenger exclaim loudly, I’m not sitting by her, there’s no room. Let it go some say. Unfortunately some scars take a lifetime to heal, and for me 2 years isn’t nearly enough time to pretend everything’s ok, that those things never happened. In time and with therapy they may fade, I will begin to adjust; however I doubt I will ever forget.

Until next time... hopefully happier and less philosophical.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

just another day in the life of a fat girl..

Today I woke up discouraged. I’m not really sure why I guess it’s just one of those things. Yesterday we had a tour of a lab. It was a really nice lab but I’ve discovered over the course of this that I really don’t like chemistry. I love numbers and math but I really don’t want to sit in a lab with those goggles giving me headaches. I’m a year into this and I need to be self sufficient so what am I to do? Sigh. That’s not why I’m discouraged though, at least I don’t think.

Maybe its because yesterday i was really tired and didn’t want to go to the gym. I think sometimes I punish myself with the gym. This weight issue is so paralyzing to me. I ate 2 small bowls of cereal and I wanted so bad to go to sleep I ached and was really just dead tired. but I couldn’t. I was so afraid of gaining weight that I forced myself to get up and go to the gym. I told myself, I’ll just walk on the treadmill for a little while, a half a work out is better than none right. Well typical me, that wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m there so I may as well do all I can. I pushed myself, probably too far as usual. It’s just so hard. I have a torn rotator cuff that requires surgery and yet I still do the workouts. I’m afraid to get on the scale, the fear of doing all that working out to no avail is paralyzing. I wonder will the obsession with weight ever end. Despite my progress I feel I’ve made none. Maybe one day things will be better. I don’t think that’s why I’m discouraged this morning either though.

Perhaps it’s because noticed we have 600 dollars worth of bills due this week,, only 500 dollars and no check for 2 weeks. Plus gas and other essentials needed. Sigh. There are so many reasons to be discouraged; I don’t think my discouragement is the result of just one but the result of many things. A sense of being physically tired and mentally overwhelmed, Can you imagine being scared everyday for hours a day? Just stop a moment and think of that prospect. I think at some point your body and mind just need to take a break from it and shuts down. It creates a false calm feeling, a feeling of detachment or perhaps just a wearying discouragement. I suspect it won’t last but for what it’s worth. It’s here.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fat and my Faith...

Good Morning everyone,
I meant to write yesterday but i was so dog tired all i could do was shower and get into bed. Yesterday was an interesting day. Someone got kicked out of our class for poor grades, which was sad. We began 20 of us on this journey and now there are only 13. Yeah i know, why should i really care seeing as how none of them like me and im not crazy about them. Well that doesnt mean im heartless. mostly i want everyone to suceed, even jim whom i really can't stand. It's sad to see people who have struggled and come so far but fall short. Its kind of like watching life. My life to be specific. Im scared, after 12 yrs of staying at home in a medicinal coma, I am now trying to lose weight, Find a career, leave my husband (another story for another day), finish a degree chemistry program when ive never had chemistry before in my life, and be happy. and thats just whats on todays agenda!! seriously though. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks while im sitting in my car, or just sitting on the couch or alone reading and its like, Trina!! what are you doing!! Your 40!! how are you just trying to start a life thats half over.

Sigh. It becomes paralysing for the moment and the only way to get past it is to pray and not think about it. God has become a very important part of my life. He has brought me so far on this journey and i have so far to go. Some people don't believe and thats ok because i do. I know that without him i wouldnt have been able to lose over 100 pounds in 1 year without surgery. Without him i wouldnt have had the willpower to change my eatting habits, Without him i wouldnt have been able to just happen upon a "free" school that will give me a degree!! He has a purpose and a goal for me, and when i sit in the car and cry, or go to the top of the mountain to talk to him and give him my worries. He comes through for me.

Some of you may not understand that, and thats ok, you also don't understand where ive been and where im going. So until your able to walk in my shoes and look at the world through my lonely eyes. Don't judge. Just follow along as best you can. See some may say, you just got tired of your life the way it was, and thats true. However all i did was hide and cry and eat more. I didnt see the way a 385 lb woman was going to exercise, or how i was going to go to school with a student loan owed. Im so poor, i only owe 4000 dolars and can't pay it now the 50 dollars a month they want. All the doctors tell me statistically i would never succeed, and if i did get some of it off, i would never keep it off, that my diabetes wasnt going anywhere in my case even if i lost weight, I was on 1000 miligrams of seroquel for depression, most people couldn't understand how i was even able to get up let alone function. I prayed, i cried and i finally "gave it up to God" when i was so low i just wanted my life to end.

Now, i'm 140lbs lighter, im no longer diabetic, im in school, and im off of ALL medication.  So why in the hell are you complaining if your God is so good, some may ask. I reply to that, im only human, i still struggle, i still hurt, i need. Much like a baby who looks to thier parent. Why do they cry? all thier needs are taken care of and they are protected. Life transcends all forms of protection though, and by bieng broken, i am learning to lean on him more which i believe is the ultimate objective. My final word for those who dont believe is this. What harm is there in believeing in a God? If i die and im wrong what have i lost? I became productive, i tried to be helpful and live a good life, so where is the loss in that? and if i die unbelieveing and am wrong, i spend an eternity away from him. Alone in a void, never bieng allowed to feel his love. See theres nothing wrong with believing, You lose so much more by not believing. I think im going to get down off my soapbox now.

well im not sure where all this came from as usual but it poured out and there it is. Im now running late for school and better get a move on. I feel so much better already. Have a happy and productive day everyone


Monday, April 5, 2010

Im Alive!!! a lil more crazy... but i'm back.

I’m back. Well at least i'm going to try to be. I’m not sure now why I stopped blogging. I guess I figured I didn’t have much to say or what I had to say wouldn’t be of much use to anyone. I think now I had it all wrong. Maybe this blog thing is just supposed to be about me and not worry about if there’s something in it for anyone or not. People are always telling me, you have such an amazing story, you should tell it. But where and how does one begin. I think life happens in pieces so maybe stories should too.

I won’t go into what’s been happening I’ll just start here and now with what’s on my heart. Its lunch time at school and I’m yet again sitting alone in my car on the verge of tears. I hate my class, I hate my classmates, and they hate me. Life is just crap! Ok hate is a strong word. We dislike each other. I don’t fit in. Big whoop, how many of us fatty’s ever really do fit in. I’ve lost weight but I am still and will forever be fat. I’m learning fat is a state of mind as well as a physical thing. You may find it hard to believe but it’s much easier to shed the fat shell than it is to shed the fatitude.

This weekend I went to see my mom in D.C. and while there I went MD to see one of my best friends Dawn. (Some of you may know her, shes also a blogger) anyways, we went to the beach near her house and we spent a lot of time talking. We both were well over 350 lbs, we’ve both lost weight. I see her as a success story, shes always winning awards and getting crowns and getting to see like doctor oz and all these great things. She is so awesome, She looks awesome!I on the other hand, am a failure. I’m so immensely proud of her though and I love her to death, she deserves all those things because she’s so caring. I wish I lived closer so some of whatever she’s got would rub off on me! I got on the scale at her house and I weighed in at 250 lbs. That’s awful because I had gotten down to 234 pounds by august of last year and now I’ve gained, yet again. I think I’ve put myself on food punishment. I’ve stopped eating. I haven’t told anyone because I’m ashamed but it’s like I can’t stop myself. Food is at the same time a savior and a punisher. I know I need to eat to lose, but my fat mind says,, eating is how you get fat,, this same fat mind will say, have a healthy sub at subway, while the other side will say grab a couple cookies with that and you’ll feel so much better. It’s like a tug of war, a fight to the end, all within your brain that no one can see. 1 cookie won’t hurt will it, but you have to buy 3 to get the deal, o I’ll just eat one and save the other 2. You eat all 3. Then weigh yourself and the 4 pounds you see are all because of those 3 cookies I hate myself. I’m a failure. I’ll never be slim or pretty, men will never look at me,, I’m destined to sit alone, a lifetime left of lonely lunches in my car which go largely uneaten because I’m so stressed my throat has closed which is a good thing because I’m punishing myself by not eating. Crazy isn’t it. I wonder why I think if I was just a normal weight things would be great and I’d be accepted. The logical part of my brain knows this probably isn’t true, but the stronger part just doesn’t care and wants to try anyways. Maybe because the alternative is accepting the fact you’re a social reject. Which is a hard pill for anyone to swallow I think.

Yesterday breakfast- nothing

Yesterdays lunch- subway turkey breast hoagie on wheat w/bread pulled out the inside, sun chips

Yesterdays dinner- nothing

Todays breakfast- 2 pieces toast, 130 cal protein drink

Todays lunch-2 oz turkey breast on lite bread, handful grapes, cup apple sauce

Todays after workout snack- 1 cup apple sauce, grapes, 1/2 sandwhich on light bread, a BUNCH of animal crackers.. sigh

dinner- 2 plain turkey burgers w/ no bread, just the patties and ketchup.