Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Fat Grease Monkey Mom 2/3 (Hiding in Plain sight)

I swear this has been one adventure filled day!! God is so good, I prayed throughout that whole car deal and he placed the right people around me to help me get what needed to be done, done! Ok so my next hurdle, I volunteered at a graduation ceremony for my school. I really just wanted a chance to see what it will be like when I graduate, but they gave me parking detail!! Ok so I’m kind of uncomfortable around people I don't know. Shy insecure, etc: To top it off they gave us t-shirts, I asked for a 3x, she gave me a 2x. So there was anxiety about would it fit me? Would I look ridiculous? I figured ok, maybe it won’t look too awful. Until she informed us, no jeans!! Ok, so I’m going to be a fat parking attendant, in a too small t-shirt, with dress pants!! Can you say kill me now!! Sigh, but I have this annoying habit of wanting to keep my word no matter what... But I mean really. I am a 250 pound, severely knock kneed African American woman. (That has nothin to do with anything lol but it paints a picture). I felt so self conscious; I tried to get posted in an inconspicuous, shady spot, where no one would see me. How about I got placed on the busiest corner, of the busiest street, in my city!!! To direct traffic!! Is this NOT an overweight woman’s worse nightmare!! Needless to say, I got through it. It wasn't easy; I tried to hide behind a bush... It didn’t work; the bush was smaller than me!! I tried easing down the block, that didn’t work either, people kept trying to let me cross the street, except I wasn't crossing lol.

That was the worst 2 hours of my life. Afterwards, I went in and watched the ceremony and there, I finally had a glimpse of the person I may be. I'll explain, I went to the bathroom in this gorgeous synagogue? It too was beautiful, anyways I was in there alone, washing my hands and in the mirror in front of me I saw a mirror behind me. It was the kind you see movie stars sitting in front of in the movies, it had those big round bright globe lights and it came to almost the floor. I turned around and saw myself. I took a good look and thought, wow, you are getting skinny, ok my outfit still felt ridiculous but I saw a slimmer me for a change. I saw that the shirt did fit, it came over my hips, and I saw me sagging in the back of the pants. (Which lemme tell u for a black chick is NOT a good thing. I so wanted to lose weight everywhere but have a butt the size of a table).. I saw for even a moment, what other people say they see but my mind tells me isn’t possible, what the scale tells me is a lie. I took off the stupid t-shirt, (I had a shirt that was a little more form fitting on under it) and I felt ok, I must say, when I left that bathroom, my head was just a tad higher. I no longer looked only at the floor when I walked... this time I saw some knee caps!! Soon I’ll be seeing faces and making eye contact!!

After that, I went home and changed my clothes because my sister in law was having a cook out. I was kind of nervous because I usually don’t go around his side of the family much. I haven’t had good experiences. They are the type to say things like “I know she ain’t missing any meals” when talking about food etc: or wow you got huge. Yeah they’re that type. Sigh, needless to say, I was nervous. I put on the tightest jeans I could find, along with a kind of low cut shirt and lord of lords, I pulled out the dreaded spanx!! I put on my high heel wedges. All of 2 inches lol cuz that’s as high as I can stand without falling over, and made my grand entrance, I figured, if they were gonna talk anyways, imma give em something to talk about! Sure enough, mouths dropped open and all eyes were on me. Surprisingly most were very nice and gracious. They told me how good I looked, and his little cousin kept telling me how proud she was of me. I think she made me feel the best. Sometimes I would catch her eye and she would just be staring at me smiling, so I finally said why do you keep looking at me like that and she said you are so pretty, look at you. It wasn’t even the words that made me feel good; it was that I could see in her eyes, that she was just genuinely happy and proud of me. That felt so good. The feeling is indescribable. We’ll I better end this one as its getting long too. On to the next post!


  1. Trina you made me cry talking about the little cousin saying sweet things to you. I wish you believed that about yourself. I think you do some days (me too). I know it's hard getting the darn fat girl out of our heads. But we are growing and changing and realizing we can do ANYTHING. Loved hearing you fixed the car all on your own too. I don't know if I could have managed it. *big hugs my friend*

  2. Awww ty dawn, I think it's true but i also think part of it has to do with the type of people who surround you. Unfortuantely i dont have many that truly support me. It was really nice to see someone so much in awe and just truly proud and excited for ME!! I wish it was always like that!!