Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fat and my Faith...

Good Morning everyone,
I meant to write yesterday but i was so dog tired all i could do was shower and get into bed. Yesterday was an interesting day. Someone got kicked out of our class for poor grades, which was sad. We began 20 of us on this journey and now there are only 13. Yeah i know, why should i really care seeing as how none of them like me and im not crazy about them. Well that doesnt mean im heartless. mostly i want everyone to suceed, even jim whom i really can't stand. It's sad to see people who have struggled and come so far but fall short. Its kind of like watching life. My life to be specific. Im scared, after 12 yrs of staying at home in a medicinal coma, I am now trying to lose weight, Find a career, leave my husband (another story for another day), finish a degree chemistry program when ive never had chemistry before in my life, and be happy. and thats just whats on todays agenda!! seriously though. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks while im sitting in my car, or just sitting on the couch or alone reading and its like, Trina!! what are you doing!! Your 40!! how are you just trying to start a life thats half over.

Sigh. It becomes paralysing for the moment and the only way to get past it is to pray and not think about it. God has become a very important part of my life. He has brought me so far on this journey and i have so far to go. Some people don't believe and thats ok because i do. I know that without him i wouldnt have been able to lose over 100 pounds in 1 year without surgery. Without him i wouldnt have had the willpower to change my eatting habits, Without him i wouldnt have been able to just happen upon a "free" school that will give me a degree!! He has a purpose and a goal for me, and when i sit in the car and cry, or go to the top of the mountain to talk to him and give him my worries. He comes through for me.

Some of you may not understand that, and thats ok, you also don't understand where ive been and where im going. So until your able to walk in my shoes and look at the world through my lonely eyes. Don't judge. Just follow along as best you can. See some may say, you just got tired of your life the way it was, and thats true. However all i did was hide and cry and eat more. I didnt see the way a 385 lb woman was going to exercise, or how i was going to go to school with a student loan owed. Im so poor, i only owe 4000 dolars and can't pay it now the 50 dollars a month they want. All the doctors tell me statistically i would never succeed, and if i did get some of it off, i would never keep it off, that my diabetes wasnt going anywhere in my case even if i lost weight, I was on 1000 miligrams of seroquel for depression, most people couldn't understand how i was even able to get up let alone function. I prayed, i cried and i finally "gave it up to God" when i was so low i just wanted my life to end.

Now, i'm 140lbs lighter, im no longer diabetic, im in school, and im off of ALL medication.  So why in the hell are you complaining if your God is so good, some may ask. I reply to that, im only human, i still struggle, i still hurt, i need. Much like a baby who looks to thier parent. Why do they cry? all thier needs are taken care of and they are protected. Life transcends all forms of protection though, and by bieng broken, i am learning to lean on him more which i believe is the ultimate objective. My final word for those who dont believe is this. What harm is there in believeing in a God? If i die and im wrong what have i lost? I became productive, i tried to be helpful and live a good life, so where is the loss in that? and if i die unbelieveing and am wrong, i spend an eternity away from him. Alone in a void, never bieng allowed to feel his love. See theres nothing wrong with believing, You lose so much more by not believing. I think im going to get down off my soapbox now.

well im not sure where all this came from as usual but it poured out and there it is. Im now running late for school and better get a move on. I feel so much better already. Have a happy and productive day everyone


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