Whew, it took days but i finally got out everything i wanted to say that 1 day!! So here goes.
This is the blog I intended to write that fateful morning I got up with car trouble. On Thursday I believe it was, my friend Dawn wrote on her blog and talked about putting on her “face” in front of people, and being unapologetically you. That got me to thinking, who am I? I mean follow me for a minute. Am I the outgoing girl that wears tight clothes, and is confident in all situations, or am I the shy girl who doesn't like to make eye contact and sits and eats lunches in her car alone? Am I the life of the party or the one against the wall? I ask myself that all the time. Sometimes I think, I’m that outgoing person and the fat has robbed me of that outgoing personality and made me afraid and an introvert; However sometimes I feel like I’m that shy introverted person that’s studious and actually does love to spend time by herself and i feel like somethings wrong with that, or maybe I just want a taste of being looked at in a good light for a change, with desire instead of ridicule or disgust, or just as bad, pity. I feel like ive been robbed, call the police! Alert the authority’s! My identity has been stolen.
How can I be unapologetically me when I don’t know who me is anymore? How can I take off the mask when I can’t tell which is the mask? It’s been so long, but even without the years, Usually obesity, well in my case anyways comes with some sort of disfunction at a young age, a cause if you will, a need for something. In my case my mom was standoffish and kind of abusive. Even to this day at 40 years old she has the power to reduce me to tears by the simple act of refusing a gift from me. So ive never known what it is to be Trina.. All ive ever known is to strive to be perfect. To make everyone love me because my mom didn’t. We all know that’s something that can never be achieved. When I couldn’t achieve that impossible goal, I became depressed. I hid. I don’t think it was the quantity of food that did me in, I think it was the quality, whoppers w cheese and fries etc:, and the inactivity. I don’t care what you eat. If you eat 1 whopper meal per day and sleep for 10 hours after. Your gonna gain weight! That’s another post though.
Where was i? O yeah, As I was saying, In my entire life, all I’ve ever wanted to do was the “right” thing. In my eyes, “right” meant, whatever seemed to be what society said, whatever would get me accepted. In middle school, I stole candy and risked beatings with extension cords daily. I hated the candy I stole, it was never for me, it was so the other kids would like me. I wet the bed until 16 yrs of age and had anxiety attacks in the third grade. I hung on the edges of the cool crowd all while growing up. Always a physical part but never a mental part. More at home lost in my world of books than in the presence of people who constantly let me down. Even my marraige, I chose him not so much because i was in love but because i knew he was responsible, would take care of any children we had. I'd never be someones, single baby momma trying to make it on her own. Even this weight loss journey. It’s about society and the way they look at you. Yeah we SAY we want to be healthy, that’s a factor too, but a major part of it, a bigger piece than most of us will ever admit is that we just want and need to be accepted.
The feeling we have when another woman (or man) that society tells us is gorgeous and healthy and slender walks in the room. The shame we have when we look at ourselves in the mirror. It doesn't matter what we tell ourselves in public, what we allow people to tell us, when were alone in the dark, with our tears, we know.. we know we want that more than anything in the world. To have someone look at US like were looking at them. Truth is, most of us never will. Those commercials for weight loss drugs annoy me, I mean ok you have a woman that lost 160 lbs. She's got a 6 pack! Like hell!! where the disclaimer she had surgery? Where the hell did the droopy skin go! I tell you, i literally KILL myself in the gym almost 5 days a week, and yes some of my skin has tightened, but theres no way 160 lbs of skin is snappin back like a rubber band. Everywhere!! Puh lease!!! I got wrinkly skin in places i didnt even KNOW could wrinkle!! Like between the top of my thighs!! ewwwww!! and my belly button and female reproductive organ are now on equal ground!! wth is that about!!! o lord, ive gotten side tracked and gone off on a rant again.. excuse me...
I think though I do need to work on not caring if I’m accepted or not. It’s a slow process, It’s happening but slowly. I discovered I LIKE eating in my car by myself most days, I need to be ok with that, and on days I don’t feel like it, I need to also be ok with getting out and mingling with people.(thats gonna be the hard part) I may not know exactly who I am yet but I do know, you have to be OK with the choices you make.
So I offer up a toast.. Here’s to finding out who I am,, and the journey to become, unapologetically me!!