Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Im Alive!!! a lil more crazy... but i'm back.

I’m back. Well at least i'm going to try to be. I’m not sure now why I stopped blogging. I guess I figured I didn’t have much to say or what I had to say wouldn’t be of much use to anyone. I think now I had it all wrong. Maybe this blog thing is just supposed to be about me and not worry about if there’s something in it for anyone or not. People are always telling me, you have such an amazing story, you should tell it. But where and how does one begin. I think life happens in pieces so maybe stories should too.

I won’t go into what’s been happening I’ll just start here and now with what’s on my heart. Its lunch time at school and I’m yet again sitting alone in my car on the verge of tears. I hate my class, I hate my classmates, and they hate me. Life is just crap! Ok hate is a strong word. We dislike each other. I don’t fit in. Big whoop, how many of us fatty’s ever really do fit in. I’ve lost weight but I am still and will forever be fat. I’m learning fat is a state of mind as well as a physical thing. You may find it hard to believe but it’s much easier to shed the fat shell than it is to shed the fatitude.

This weekend I went to see my mom in D.C. and while there I went MD to see one of my best friends Dawn. (Some of you may know her, shes also a blogger) anyways, we went to the beach near her house and we spent a lot of time talking. We both were well over 350 lbs, we’ve both lost weight. I see her as a success story, shes always winning awards and getting crowns and getting to see like doctor oz and all these great things. She is so awesome, She looks awesome!I on the other hand, am a failure. I’m so immensely proud of her though and I love her to death, she deserves all those things because she’s so caring. I wish I lived closer so some of whatever she’s got would rub off on me! I got on the scale at her house and I weighed in at 250 lbs. That’s awful because I had gotten down to 234 pounds by august of last year and now I’ve gained, yet again. I think I’ve put myself on food punishment. I’ve stopped eating. I haven’t told anyone because I’m ashamed but it’s like I can’t stop myself. Food is at the same time a savior and a punisher. I know I need to eat to lose, but my fat mind says,, eating is how you get fat,, this same fat mind will say, have a healthy sub at subway, while the other side will say grab a couple cookies with that and you’ll feel so much better. It’s like a tug of war, a fight to the end, all within your brain that no one can see. 1 cookie won’t hurt will it, but you have to buy 3 to get the deal, o I’ll just eat one and save the other 2. You eat all 3. Then weigh yourself and the 4 pounds you see are all because of those 3 cookies I hate myself. I’m a failure. I’ll never be slim or pretty, men will never look at me,, I’m destined to sit alone, a lifetime left of lonely lunches in my car which go largely uneaten because I’m so stressed my throat has closed which is a good thing because I’m punishing myself by not eating. Crazy isn’t it. I wonder why I think if I was just a normal weight things would be great and I’d be accepted. The logical part of my brain knows this probably isn’t true, but the stronger part just doesn’t care and wants to try anyways. Maybe because the alternative is accepting the fact you’re a social reject. Which is a hard pill for anyone to swallow I think.



Yesterday breakfast- nothing


Yesterdays lunch- subway turkey breast hoagie on wheat w/bread pulled out the inside, sun chips


Yesterdays dinner- nothing


Todays breakfast- 2 pieces toast, 130 cal protein drink


Todays lunch-2 oz turkey breast on lite bread, handful grapes, cup apple sauce


Todays after workout snack- 1 cup apple sauce, grapes, 1/2 sandwhich on light bread, a BUNCH of animal crackers.. sigh

dinner- 2 plain turkey burgers w/ no bread, just the patties and ketchup.

2 comments:

  1. I had a terrific time with you on Saturday. You know I learn a lot from you from our chats too. You are successful at so many things and you need to stop feeling unworthy or less than. You are a good person and you have a lot to offer in a friendship so the people at school I wouldn't worry about them they are just jealous. Focus on the people in your life that offer you something back not ones that just want to make you feel less. Go search for old pictures of yourself and take a good hard look, see all the success you have made. Hugs and love my friend.

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  2. TY dawn, Boy i wish i had more time to sit on that beach and just reflect!! I will go through my old photo's. Im sure that will be interesting!! have fun w/ mom in law.. and lock all the closets!! lol

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