Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

just another day in the life of a fat girl..

Today I woke up discouraged. I’m not really sure why I guess it’s just one of those things. Yesterday we had a tour of a lab. It was a really nice lab but I’ve discovered over the course of this that I really don’t like chemistry. I love numbers and math but I really don’t want to sit in a lab with those goggles giving me headaches. I’m a year into this and I need to be self sufficient so what am I to do? Sigh. That’s not why I’m discouraged though, at least I don’t think.

Maybe its because yesterday i was really tired and didn’t want to go to the gym. I think sometimes I punish myself with the gym. This weight issue is so paralyzing to me. I ate 2 small bowls of cereal and I wanted so bad to go to sleep I ached and was really just dead tired. but I couldn’t. I was so afraid of gaining weight that I forced myself to get up and go to the gym. I told myself, I’ll just walk on the treadmill for a little while, a half a work out is better than none right. Well typical me, that wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m there so I may as well do all I can. I pushed myself, probably too far as usual. It’s just so hard. I have a torn rotator cuff that requires surgery and yet I still do the workouts. I’m afraid to get on the scale, the fear of doing all that working out to no avail is paralyzing. I wonder will the obsession with weight ever end. Despite my progress I feel I’ve made none. Maybe one day things will be better. I don’t think that’s why I’m discouraged this morning either though.

Perhaps it’s because noticed we have 600 dollars worth of bills due this week,, only 500 dollars and no check for 2 weeks. Plus gas and other essentials needed. Sigh. There are so many reasons to be discouraged; I don’t think my discouragement is the result of just one but the result of many things. A sense of being physically tired and mentally overwhelmed, Can you imagine being scared everyday for hours a day? Just stop a moment and think of that prospect. I think at some point your body and mind just need to take a break from it and shuts down. It creates a false calm feeling, a feeling of detachment or perhaps just a wearying discouragement. I suspect it won’t last but for what it’s worth. It’s here.

1 comment:

  1. I have days like this too Trina I think most of the time for me it's hormonal. I know too about the money stuff getting you down. It's tax time now and for use this year won't be a time to plan to spend some extra cash but instead pay out a bunch. Sometimes it just seems like life isn't fair. I hope your discouraged feelings goes away soon. As for the weight stuff it comes and goes for me. Most days though I do realize that one bad day isn't going to make all my weight come back so keep reminding yourself that. Also I think we both need a before picture on our fridge to remind us how far we have come. How we seem to forget that I don't know. You are looking great! With the chemistry/school stuff I don't know what to say. I'm hoping a work envirnment will be so much nicer for you than a school one.