Today I woke up discouraged. I’m not really sure why I guess it’s just one of those things. Yesterday we had a tour of a lab. It was a really nice lab but I’ve discovered over the course of this that I really don’t like chemistry. I love numbers and math but I really don’t want to sit in a lab with those goggles giving me headaches. I’m a year into this and I need to be self sufficient so what am I to do? Sigh. That’s not why I’m discouraged though, at least I don’t think.
Maybe its because yesterday i was really tired and didn’t want to go to the gym. I think sometimes I punish myself with the gym. This weight issue is so paralyzing to me. I ate 2 small bowls of cereal and I wanted so bad to go to sleep I ached and was really just dead tired. but I couldn’t. I was so afraid of gaining weight that I forced myself to get up and go to the gym. I told myself, I’ll just walk on the treadmill for a little while, a half a work out is better than none right. Well typical me, that wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m there so I may as well do all I can. I pushed myself, probably too far as usual. It’s just so hard. I have a torn rotator cuff that requires surgery and yet I still do the workouts. I’m afraid to get on the scale, the fear of doing all that working out to no avail is paralyzing. I wonder will the obsession with weight ever end. Despite my progress I feel I’ve made none. Maybe one day things will be better. I don’t think that’s why I’m discouraged this morning either though.
Perhaps it’s because noticed we have 600 dollars worth of bills due this week,, only 500 dollars and no check for 2 weeks. Plus gas and other essentials needed. Sigh. There are so many reasons to be discouraged; I don’t think my discouragement is the result of just one but the result of many things. A sense of being physically tired and mentally overwhelmed, Can you imagine being scared everyday for hours a day? Just stop a moment and think of that prospect. I think at some point your body and mind just need to take a break from it and shuts down. It creates a false calm feeling, a feeling of detachment or perhaps just a wearying discouragement. I suspect it won’t last but for what it’s worth. It’s here.