I’m sitting here in the lab, for those of you who don’t know, I’m in school to become a chemical lab. Technician. It wasn’t my preferred profession, but I’m broke and it’s free AND a specialized degree program AND the credits are transferrable. So here I am. My experiment is finished, well sort of, anyhow I’m bored, and when I’m bored I ponder and reflect and turn introspective. For some reason, I’m tired today and down. It was one of those days where I watched all the black girls in the class hanging out and getting lunch together and felt sad. I always wonder why people don’t like me. I’m pretty sure I don’t stink. Hold on, imma actually ask the guy next to me. He said I smell like a wildebeest, and then he laughed and said no.
Sigh...i never seem to fit in anywhere. I dont appear to be "hood" enough for the blacks, I'm generally to intense and thoughtful for the other people, and according to my teacher, people tend to shy away from darker skinned blacks. There are a million and one theorys under the sun about why,, however, i could care less about the theory of why and am more interseted in the "how to rememedy it". I tell myself all the time I don’t care, but I guess I do because here I am whining to you guys about it. Yesterday we went on a tour of Sunoco, (you know the oil comp.) I am sooo praying to get my internship there, so anyways, I know that’s where I want my internship, so I dressed really nice, tried to be really attentive and ask questions. He gave a kind of presentation and told people to ask questions, well after a few times of him saying “any questions” and no one asking any, I jumped in and asked basic common sense questions. My theory was to make sure he knew that someone was paying attention. I kid you not it was as quiet as a ghost town. Anyways, at the end of the tour, I stayed behind and waited until an opportune time for me to go up, shake his hand, say thank you and comment he had given me a lot to think about.
When I left I overheard one of THEM,, my classmates, say you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Then they started laughing etc: I spent all day yesterday telling myself I didn’t care. This is an opportunity for me. I didn’t think I was pushy and everyone else had the opportunity to speak up but didn’t. However obviously I do care because I had to spend all of yesterday telling myself that over and over and second guessing myself and questioning did I go overboard, did I annoy him with my questions, was I too much, was being the only one staying behind and shaking his hand too pushy. Sometimes being me sucks big time.
Ultimately, We still have to interview for the position when it comes available and who says I won’t like another company we tour, there are 13 of us and they have to place us all. I also Like Consol, We go there on Monday, that’s hi on my list too, but now I feel like I want to fade to the back. Hide. I feel disapproved of and we all know all I really want IS approval. I'm afraid this experience will taint other experiences. I’m really confused. However, that’s the story of my life. We’ll I have a million and one things to do and think about now, yeah,, my brain is a pit and your at the edge. Be careful!!
Well I’ll leave you all to your day, Enjoy it!! Never know what tomorrow will bring!