Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tears wash the soul.. Binging feeds the heart...

I'm in a bad way today. This whole weekend for me from friday has just been i dunno, i can't say awful but ive just had this feeling of i dont know. You know how you walk around with a lump in your throat? Like you want to cry but your body is fighting it with a zombie like feel. All you can manage is a lump in your throat that wont go up or down. Too bad it doesn't block food. I'm going to try to start at the beginning but there will be things left unsaid. There's a part of things that im not ready to share. It's too long and involved to explain and i don't need the judgemental things and feelings that will distract from the real issues. Possibly in time. Now is not the time though.

Anyways, Today is a friends birthday out of town, so for some time i planned to come here for this weekend. This i think caused a LOT of stress in me because things have been really really horrible at home financially. I literally cant pay my basic bills. Most times i spend just afraid. Will today be the day the house of cards tumbles. My daughter is trying to go to her first prom and i haven't even brought the dress. I have to come up with money for her reenrollment in school. She's in a private school yes but that had to be because she would have failed out of school by the 10th grade. They literally saved her life. I'm blessed to have found them and in case your wondering, Shes there on a scholorship and my tuition is 30 dollars a month. and im behind on a 30 dollar a month tuition. I can't manage to pay 30 dollars a month to a school that saved my childs life. Im always afraid to go to her school. Im terrified of the tuition officer. New contract time causes panic attacks in me. The only other thing i pay is 175 reenrollment fee. I know i dont have to share this but as im writing, im realizing theres stuff thats eatting at me and needs to come out, So as i write with tears streaming down my face finally, just follow along or go away. This is about ME and letting go so i can go on.

I binged on Friday, we'll really this whole weekend. It started with a birthday party we had for our program coodinator. I made chicken wings as i always do. I got up at 4 am because i was leaving for my trip right after school. Anyways at lunchtime, i had packed my lunch for on the road and for lunchtime as i didnt want to stay in the caf. Well i ended up staying in the caf. It started out ok i guess, I ate 3 wing dings, sum augratin potaoes, some other type of potatoe dish and indian woman in my class made, 2 slices of cheese pizza, yeah you see it going wrong from here right? I then as near as i can remember ate 2 mini cupcakes (i hate icing so i only eat the cake part) I had a piece of cake, minus mousse in center and icing, i had ice cream, a few scoops of chicken salad with almonds, did i mention the 4 girl scout cookies, 2 or 3 chips with some kind of dip on it, I went back for second on chicken. i dont even remember what else. I just remember thinking Trina what the hell are you doing!! Your going to weigh yourself on Monday! but i guess the bigger part just didn't care, i told myself i wouldn't eat for the rest of the day, but during the 5 hour drive that evening i did. I ate 2 sandwhiches, a quart baggie of grapes, i had a banana or 2, i had a bag of sunchips. I was totally freaked. It was an out of control panicky feeling. here i was going out of town, which i couldn't afford, it only cost me gas and tolls though, It only takes me about a half tank to get where im going, but still, i was going to see a friend for their birthday and i had nothing. that hurt me a lot to as this friend does sooo much for me. Like this is thier birthday weekend and they spent another 300 dollars on my car trying to get the check engine light off (another story and its still on btw!) and today, on the birthday, they will probably spend trying to fix the ac in my car, it's pretty horrible eatting lunch alone in a car in 80 degree weather with no ac and leather seats. They also filled my tank back up for the trip home and fixing the ac is going to be another 50 or 60 dollars. Your saying why are you letting them do that. mostly its because this person is what i call a "forceful insistor" sigh, but it kills me. All i could afford to do was get a card, and i couldn't even put anything into it. Im so ashamed. Im ashamed im poor and people think they have to care for me, i ashamed i dont have anything to offer anyone.Im ashamed of me. So i eat. Eatting feeds my heart.

I binged again yesterday, I had homefries and toast and turkey sausage and eggs, i ate fruit, i ate a fried catfish sandwhich, french fires, i ate 2 small slices of pizza, 2 sandwhiches and a whole half of a bar b que chicken last night at midnight. it's laughable but even while binging i try and minimize the damage. I dug all the bread out of the roll, i took half the fish off the bun and when my friend asked was i going to eat that i lied and said no. truth was i was going to eat it. Maybe part of me was trying for damage control. Today i haven't eatten yet but the out of control feeling hasn't left. It's still there like a giant monster in my chest aching to be free. telling me you already suck so who cares. You may as well eat. All you are is a dreamer. Thats what it tells me.

Sigh. I still plan on getting on the scale tomorrow. Im sure it will spiral me down into more depression and disfunctional eatting but im scared and dont know what to do. My body and mind are tired and want and need a break, some comfort, Some form of forgetting if even for a moment. I can't turn to my family and i dont really have any friends i can just put all this on. Human nature of people who love you is to try to fix things but i hurt so badly i think because i want to fix myself and can't. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be the one that comes to the rescue. Im so DAMNED tired of bieng the poor fat girl that always needs saving, is always alone, is dreaming of a life that will never come. Im screaming right now. On the inside, Im just screaming and screaming and screaming and cant stop. I feel useless and hopeless and impotent. I feel ugly and unworthy and unwanted and unneeded. I feel numb.

I know all these feelings will pass soon, my mind will shut down and cover them with the necessity of moving foreward in life no matter what it gives you. But they will be there, again and again ready to come out. There is so much more i need to get out but its going to have to come at a later time. People are starting to awaken and i'm loathe to be discovered all red eyed, snotty and wet on the living room couch. i'm going to go and collect myself and pull out the appropriate mask for the day.

No time to proof it so i hope punc. n spelling aren't to horrible.

Till next time


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