It's been a few days since i blogged, On friday i had this awesome blog about a conversation my therapist and i had about the Biggest Loser show.(that will be coming) I also had various other thoughts and things i wanted to blog about but as usual life jumped in and threw me a lot of fast balls at one time. I was so down that when i wasn't wearing my "in front of the world mask" I was somewhere huddling and crying my heart out. Wishing something horrible would happen to me. Wanting to die and not having the courage to off myself. I'd like to say i was strong and didn't eat over it, but i did. I'm confused on this whole binging thing. In my head binging is when someone eats and entire bag of cookies, a tub of ice cream.. Just basically consuming very large quantitys of food uncontrollably.
Sometimes i think im a binger and sometimes i think im a disfunctional eatter. When i get stressed, I can't eat, my throat closes up, but when i finally do eat, it's usually a non nutritious comfort food, or even if its good food, it's more than i should, or in the middle of the night or i'll eat and go right to sleep. Just unhealthy things in general, not keeping track of portions, not caring about what i put in my mouth and thats just bad. Like i ate a kit kat for the first time in over 2 years, I also ate like 2 cups of spinich dip and who knows how many handfuls of chips with it. Is that binging?? Once i ate an entire half a watermelon. Is that Binging? What the hell is a binge? More to the point. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is food so wrong? Why does it signal bad Trina if i eat some potatoe chips or a kit kat? Whats wrong with feeling bad and having a tub of ice cream ONCE in a while? It's so damn frustrating!!
and scary. Is this my forever life? Unhappy with the foods i get to eat? Afraid of gaining a pound? Lying awake at night and having a tear streak across your cheek and you realize it's because your hungry and it's to late for something? Stuffing your face with unhealthy amounts of good stuff trying to iggnore the craving you have for a slice of cake, or a candy bar, or a piece of pizza or mashed potatoes? We all know that doesn't help. The craving is there like the elephant on your chest. Im sorry to tell all you wonderful perfect and healthy eatters out there. Celery and/or fruit is NOT going to remove the craving. They don't taste like what your craving, Only that thing your craving tastes like what your craving! Then your Feeling like shit everytime you have the thoughts like this. Feeling like shit because you gave in and had those 2 (ok 3) subway cookies? or that candy bar you haven't had in 2 years and when you dont satisfy that craving, other memories of foods you've had enter into the picture, now your thinking about and wanting to taste them also. Your miserable!!
Is that really the life i want? All so that men can look at me with desire? Although all the desire in thier eyes signals is wanting to have sex with me and nothing else. Little do they know, the jokes on them, Once the miracle push up bra and girdle falls down,, so does everything they were holding up!! Does it really matter if the women i see snicker or think of me in disgust? I mean lets face it, Im not interested in them. Does it really matter that no one sits next to me on the bus? I mean really who wouldnt love a free seat to themselves?
Am i really just trading one misery for another? I mean there's the "fat" girl misery, of bieng socially unacceptable and bieng lonely inside, feeling invisible, eatting in secret. and theres the "skinny" girl misery. (my terms only) of bieng socially accepted but still miserable on the inside. Secretly starving myself, saying no to foods i really want to say yes to. Beating myself up over and over again. Usually also eatting in secret is involved.
Is this all there is? Why does it hurt so much? Why is it so important? Why in the hell do i keep asking why and shedding tears when none of it makes a difference? I will be, no matter how small the number on the scale goes, no matter how small the pants i buy may be, no matter how socially acceptable i may become. I'll always have issues with food. I'll always be that fat girl inside. I'll be a disfunctional eatter. Much like a person in a wheelchair knows, There are many things they can do to improve thier situation, improve thier outlook a little. Improve thier quality of life but as im ever fond of saying. When the lights go out, and you lie alone in the dark. the stark unforgiving reality is there. You can't fool yourself. You can iggnore, pretend, imagine, but every once in a while, your arm gets tired of holding up the curtain and as it falls at your feet. For that one moment. You know stark naked unforgiving truth. The question is.. What is your truth?