Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Friday, April 30, 2010

Why am i blogging? What's the point? Who do i think i am anyways?

Sigh.. I have so much on my mind lately i don't know where to begin. Jack sh*t posted a blog a few days ago about blogging and I've been thinking about it. Why do i blog? Honestly i don't know. Sometimes i think it's about approval and validation. I was 385 pounds, diabetic, on heavy medication for depression, I felt invisible and unloved and scared and wanted to die, I felt empty. After a little over a year i had dropped 150 pounds, completely off depression meds, back in school full time, no longer diabetic but guess what?? I still feel invisible, i STILL feel empty, I still feel unloved, unworthy and scared. The fat left me but why didn't the other stuff go with it? I had hopes and dreams a skinnier me would make all the difference.I would fit in, I would love parties, I would magically become popular!! I didn't. Sigh...

I realized the weight is but a symptom, or perhaps the weight caused new symtoms, who knows, i just know the insecurity is here. bottled up. So when my girlfriend admitted to me she had been blogging for some time i decided to give it a try. maybe talking stuff out would help. The new thing that i learned, it's just as scary to put your feelings here as it would be to a roomful of people! I felt let down when i didn't get followers, i felt sure noone cared or read my story, I felt inadequate, I read other blogs and thought. OMG i'm not in thier league! So i stopped for a while. I felt like your always such a downer. Why do you even bother, Your worthless.

Then one day a few months after I stopped blogging I got a comment. It simply said. "How are you". I think i realized right then and there. I do matter. I get so used to the "fat girl" way of thinking. The lie that becomes our lives, of hidden binges, of eatting in our cars pulled to the corner of the parking lot, of saying to ourselves it doesn't matter because noones watching. Truth is, we never know who's watching.

 I decided this journey has to be about me. My good, my bad and my ugly because if i can't be honest with myself, I can't achieve my goal. It no longer matters as much if i get comments, or see followers. It's in my heart to do this, at my pace and in my style. I believe that for this time, writing my journey down will be benificial and the Lord will lead those here who need to be here, just as he guides me where i need to be. When i write, i can never title it until im done because I just allow my thoughts to flow from my heart. When you hear me speak of pain often im writing with tears streaming down my face, When i speak of laughter, know there's a smile on my face. When the posts seem to be all over, It's because at that moment, My feelings are all over. When i write im pouring out emotion. If im missing a few days, It will normally be because i'm fighting the inner demon that tells me im worthless and im isolating.

I can't promise you great pictures, or witty, or funny or great tips, I can only promise you reality as i see it in all it's terrible and awesome glory. If your lucky some of it may be witty and have a great tip or 2 for you.

I'm sure if i keep at it in time it will evolve into something or other. What; i don't know. I do enjoy the comments though, they motivate me and encourage me and keep me going, It also encourages me thinking theres someone out there that doesn't have the heart to say these things, thats hurting, but needs this encouragement to know that although its not easy it can be done. It's not all sunshine and roses and thats ok. It's a cleansing process. It's a painful process, but much like the flowers in the spring. When the rain clears and the sun shines above we will stand proud and beautiful.

I also love reading other blogs as they help me grow and give me food for thought. I pray whoever is reading this gives some thought to why it is you do what you do.

What are your goals? Your hopes? What is it that you need? What are you looking for?

My goal and hope is to be a better me. To be confident in who i am, learn to love me at each stage and not be afraid of the scale anymore, To stop comparing myself to other women, thinking im not light enough, not slim enough, i don't have a booty like "delishush" from "flavor of love", That my hair isn't right, I even berate myself for bieng knock kneed and pigeon toed, like i had a say in that!! To be ok with me. To feel like im worthy of bieng loved, The list goes on forever and I have a long way to go.

This is probably a ride you probably wont wan't to miss!! I know i'd much rather be watching than on the ride!! I can tell you that much! Well it's bedtime for me. School tomorrow, Well in 5 hours actually sigh.


1 comment:

  1. Sometimes it just brings you reassurance and comfort to know that it's not just you. That there are others who know some of the distress and frustration you experience daily. And whilst I've never been physically big or even overweight, I am in my mind, and so a lot of those symptoms you describe I can relate to. More so than I would like to admit probably, but there it is. I couldn't not reply, especially when I really do know how you feel.

    Oh and I love to read your streams of consciousness. Expression is a form of art, and even if you can't see it yourself, it all matters so very much.