Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Friday, May 28, 2010

"Viviendo mi vida loca" (Living my crazy life!!)

Ok you know how sometimes you wish for things, but when you get them, they're not exactly how you pictured them or wished for them??

Sigh.. Ok remember last blog i was all excited about my new outlook on the world. Well I'm still hanging in there. I'm grinning and gritting my teeth and bearing it.

I had this weekend all planned out. The car shop told me my car would be ready on Thursday. I was nervous and praying everything went ok. It did. I was pleased with the job they did. Oddly i was still very nervous about the idea of what they thought about me. I just can't seem to shake that wanting to be liked by everyone feeling you know. So anyways, My weekend plan is to go and hang out and spend time with my longtime friend, Dawn. (wow i hope that link thingy works, I'm becoming a blogger extraordinaire!) anyways, I've been wanting to have time to do this for years but for one reason or another never did. This time i said. I'm doing it. Me and Von are gonna get in the car, Ala Thelma and Louise. (without the cliff ending!) and go have a wonderful relaxing weekend! This was going to kick off my "giving up the stress" movement.

So I had a plan. Yes I'm a list/planner person.Thursday at lunch i was gonna pick up car at lunchtime, i was going to go to store after school, hit library for books on CD. GREAT way to pass long trips!! Books on CD are not just for kids!! Wash clothes, pack up, and rest, so on Friday i could go to school, leave directly from school to doctors, pick up Von and hit the highway!! WRONG!!

First on Thursday I woke up with a splitting headache, throughout the day, i had a few instances of vertigo. No biggie, i assumed it was from the stubborn headache. Things went according to stressful plan until i hit Walmart. I was so tired and i didn't feel so well. Couple that with it was hot, and my car has leather seats, a leather steering wheel and NO air conditioning!! I decided to just go to walmart and then drop my girlfriend off, go home and rest a little. Well while at walmart all of a sudden, the right side of my face went numb. I had an inside panic attack. I calmly removed my earpiece, felt my face, went through the "stroke" check list in my head. No loss of motion, check. I quickly checked out and asked my girlfriend to look at my face and was i speaking OK. My speech was clear, I was able to smile,check.. but this pesky numbness bothered me. I decided to go to the emergency room just to be on the safe side. Then go home and rest.

It's Friday night and I'm still in the hospital!! They wanted to check me for a T.I.A. or mini stroke. I have been prodded and poked and scanned and you name it. Soon after i got placed in my room, my best friends sister called me and told me, probably about the time i had the 'walmart" numbness episode. My dear friend had passed away. I was heartened she told me she was there and her brother actually came and was there too. She's in a better place now i know. She didn't die alone. I didn't want that for her, so I'm glad they could be with her. I will miss her dearly and i think i still need to really mourn her properly but given my current condition, I'm not dealing with those feelings just yet.

All of this has been a tremendous source of stress, but I'm refusing to give in to it!!. I'm still planning the moment i get sprung from here going on my trip!. I'm making lists, fighting boredom and head hunger. That is the worst when your bored. I'm also forcing myself to get rest. I even considered asking them do they have a gym!! My blood work is "OK" my good cholesterol is way low. There's no medication for correcting that, The only way to increase it is supposed to be diet and exercise!! Are you kidding me!! My exercise regimen is crazy and my eating, with a few exceptions is pretty damn good.

Ive also been seen by neurologists in case its migraine related. I'm very disappointed as i could have been released today except Ive been waiting to have the MRI done since 11 this morning and it never happened. They claim I'm first on their list in the morning. So my plan is still to hit the road as soon as i leave here. I'm not giving up; this weekend is going to happen!! Whenever i get scared i just think of that. My nurse came in and asked had my Doppler been discussed with me. I said no. (Doppler is where they took ultrasound pics of the arteries that run up both sides of our neck that supply blood and oxygen to our brain) She said it looks "OK". then goes on to say "not great" but OK. W.T.H. is that??!! I went into mini panic mode. I mean who wants to hear "not great" when talking about that!! What does not great mean!! wooooo saaaaa.... (deep breaths) boy this is gonna be a good trip....

This experience has been a lesson in learning me. As little as last week, i would have been going crazy, been depressed, crying, a blubbering mess. probably making things worse. I won't lie, it's hard, it's calling me, wanting to think negative and give up. I would have been thinking why is it always me. I'm never going to be happy. What did i do that i deserved all these bad things to happen always to me.

Well. You know what. It IS always me, and it's going to continue to be always me, as long as i allow it!! It's all in how you look at it and I'm tired of my previous view, so I'm adjusting the viewfinder.

I'm getting the rest i need, whether i want it or not. I'm getting the best care so if there IS something wrong, it can be caught and taken care of!!  I will be fresh for that 6 hour drive!! I get to make 50 million lists so i can carry 3 months worth of things on a 2 day weekend lol. I am learning a new way to look at mi vida loca!! (my crazy life)

P.S. did i tell you i almost got caught in a fight with a neighbors daughter on Wednesday night who's mom came out onto the porch stark, butterball, naked... On a very busy street!! Hmmm I'll have to share that tale with you guys another time!! sorry for rambling post.. I was bored lol.

goodnight all!!


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Taking baby steps...

I'm really exhausted today lately ive been up until 11.. then during sleep, i"m tossing n turning.. then back up at 5 in the morning. I should be asleep now, but i didn't want to much time to go by without checking in with you guys. Truth is, even though ive been busy over these few days, I've had a LOT on my mind. I've been wandering by almost in a fog if you will. Trying to figure out how to re-invent me. Now you might say, why should you want to. Well the answer is simple, because i need to. It's so weird I've had all these thoughts swirling in my mind for a couple days now, yet I find myself sitting here unable to put exactly into words what im thinking.

I know that everyone, well most people seem to have adversity in thier life. I think i'm finally seeing that the difference in the outcome is usually in HOW you handle the situation. For the longest time, ive been the fall apart and cry, or run and hide, type of person. In my head afterwards, i always seem to wish i had said or done something different. I always felt powerless to do so though. I remember once many years ago, i had a male that i considered a friend. We were in the lunchline and i was doing what i normally do, Just playing with him and poking him etc: He turned around and slapped me across my face. I didn't cry but i was stunned. I did nothing and neither did anyone else and i was ashamed. I remember going home and getting in the bed and closing my eyes and dreaming up all these scenarios. Like my brothers coming up to beat him up. Like me punching him in the eye, Like someone coming to my rescue. That scenario has followed me. Whenever there's adversity i go into my own little private world and dream up responses. problem is, those dream responses only work IN the dream, so nothing happens.

Where is this going you ask.. (honestly i wasn't sure myself for a minute), It's going to point out this. I realize there were 2 sets of thinking there. His action, which freed him from whatever he was feeling, and my reaction, which did nothing but sit inside me for over 20 years as you can see. Im sure if i ran into him today, he would not recall that incident, or at least not without thought or seeing my face to trigger it. Now im not condoning violence. The point i'm trying to make is this, Holding it in and stewing over it makes it worse. I never saw that before but i spend so much time bieng miserable that it saps my strength. It takes all my joy. It hampers me and immobilizes me. It causes depression and anxiety. I'm realizing now that if i at least TRY, I won't feel so miserable and ashamed. It will force me to be a part of this world. To take my rightful place among the living! I won't speand so much time going, "i wish i had".

This week has been an effort for me because I'm DETERMINED to turn that around. I didn't want to go to the gym, but I've been there everyday this week. Despite shut off notices, a car that wasn't done properly, a girlfriend on her death bed, overdrawn bank accounts, an incompetant lab partner and thoughts of quitting school, and guess what; AMAZING things happened to me. I didn't go get in my car and cry alone, I did however try to sit alone in the cafeteria and people came and sat with me. There i was crying in my cheerios, literally.. and they said, i'm not letting you sit alone. i admit, I was annoyed and thinking. god i wish they'd go away, but the part of me that was struggling to NOT sit in my car was glad i was not alone. I explained to my director why i was thinking of quitting school (something i normally wouldn't have shared) and they refused to let me go!! They helped me pay the overdraft and termination notice! The shop did a shoddy job on my car and even though my knees were shaking and im still nervous about the whole thing. I stood my ground and insisted they do it right or i wasn't paying!! I was almost physically sick after that confrontation, and i had thoughts of, o no!! theyre gonna do something bad to my car and i shouldn't have done that, but my friend said, No you've become a squeaky wheel and they're going to do the best job they can so they can get the check and get rid of you. they know now if somethings wrong, your going to be a pain in thier ass lol. I hope he's right!

Thing is, Even though I still felt scared, and overwhelmed, I kept on pushing. I felt like a zombie, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go to the gym, i was tired and my knees ached, But i fought myself every step of the way!! Today when i stepped off the treadmill my the thought in my brain was. I did it!! It's going to take a long time before i can declare myself victorious, but I'm doing it. I'm walking the line. In all this, my eatting has been pretty good. I won't lie, i had a lapse and accidently fell into a bucket of 10 cent wings and accidently inhaled some on the way up lol. That's ok though. it was a choice i made and i didn't and wont beat myself up over it. I'm going to keep on trying to move on!! Baby Steps!!

I want to thank everyone so much. You guys really make me think and are so supportive and its helps me so much. I really am feeling like im not invisible anymore, and i think i like that feeling!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Finding peace when there seems to be none...

Lately ive been going through so many things. I used to ask myself "why me" all the time. I no longer do that. instead i moved onto it's always me. I'm like all of the characters we watched as a kid growing up that seem to have nothing but bad luck. Charlie Brown, Linus, etc: I always felt i had a black cloud hanging over my shoulder.

I seemed to expect it, my life isn't right unless something is going wrong. I would always look at other people and think, what's thier secret. How can they be so happy all the damn time!! What is i've done that is so horrible that i have to be punished. I ask myself everyday what it is that i'm doing wrong.

People are always telling me that im strong, that my blessing is around the corner, all the things people say to try to make someone whos hurting feel better. I never believed it, I truly believed i am destined to suffer my entire life and then just die suffering. This week i had given up. I was broken, correction i am broken, but not completely.

Something happened this weekend. Yesterday, i got a call from my best friends sister. My best friend had been going through a lot of things, She had breast cancer, it was very aggressive. She was diagnosed and within 2 weeks of bieng diagnosed, she had to have a mastectomy of her left breast. After that they told her there was still some more that she would need to have removed. I think Clara got scared, within 2 weeks of the mastectomy, with cancer still in her arm, she ran away. She left us and we had no idea where she was. We just prayed one day she would call us.

That one day came last week. She went into the hospital in Atlanta, she couldn't breathe. They discovered she had pnuemonia. When they did the chest xrays they discovered the cancer had spread through her lungs. She will not live. On Tuesday she could still speak enough to refuse treatment. Clara is 41 years old. She has had a hard life. An abusive marraige, she loved kids but was unable to have any. She has a sister, a brother and a mom. Only me and her sister really. Her mom and brother may not even go to see her. I don't want her to die alone but i can't afford to go. I have no money. I dont want her to die alone. She doesn't deserve that. Noone does.

If she knew i was sitting here crying she would fuss at me. Drawl all 4 foot 3 of herself up and give ME a hug. She would try to encourage and comfort me!! She was one of those people i always envied, she never complained out loud, always smiling, always helpful, always loved everyone. I am soo ashamed. I have given up on life when there are those who are fighting for life. I have no right to do that. She would not give up on herself on me and I will NOT give up either. For her, I will live a life she would be proud of. I will learn this lesson. Once she got so mad at me she didn't speak to me for months, i had no idea why and when she did again she told me it was because i had so much. I was so blessed and couldn't even see it. She was right. I didn't see it.

I'm not going to pretend i all of a sudden see it. However i do see i cant give up. Even when my heart and mind and body wants to, i will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am so numb with pain right now, but i have joy too for all the good times we had and sadness for all the lessons she tried to teach me that i didn't learn. There are so many people who go through things daily, some we may never know how bad it is because they choose to enjoy what they can out of life. This is going to be a long hard road. It's going to be bumpy but im going to make it. There are so many Clara's out there who see the bigger picture.

I can't spend my life thinking about tomorrow. For some tomorrow never comes. We have to live each day as if there will be no tomorrow. I choose to live today.

Clarabell, i love you and you may never see this but you have taught me so much, I will carry you forever in my heart. I will try to live by your example. God is preparing a special place for you. I'll always carry the time with me in the 3rd grade when i spent the night at your house and when we went to school the next day you told everyone i stole your favorite underwear!! I'll bring them with me when i see you again sweety..

P.S. I know you hate it when i call you Clarabell.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I know it's been a couple days since i blogged but i'm going through a really hard time right now. It has nothing to do with weight though.. yet anyways, Ive managed to NOT eat terribly YET. I just keep crying and crying and just can't seem to get up the energy to write. Ever been so afraid you don't know where to turn? Afraid to stop, afraid to keep going. Can't see ahead and the road behind is to awful to contemplate going back to. sigh. Im so tired of bieng tired and scared and worried and stressed. Hopefully in a couple days,,I'll be ready to write. If i'm able.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Lessons learned.. and relearned...

I want to eat.. I want cake.. I want lots of it.. I want to close my eyes and just feel the texture and savor every morsel... I also want to cry.. Holding in crying makes me want cake... Or a doughnut maybe.. Just some carb sugary goodness from somewhere anywhere to make me feel better..

Whats wrong.. sigh.. I don't know. I've been doing really well this week. I even went to the gym yesterday morning and jogged on the treadmill!! I was so proud of me. Thats a goal of mine. Just to be able to run comfortably when you want to. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes while walking, or walking fast, i just want to break out and run.. No apparent reason for this. Just to do it. Since ive had knee surgeries on both my knees and also have arthritis in them, It's not really advised that i do, but i still aspire to. I don't want to run marathons. Just if the urge hits me, break out into a little jog for a while, not to much to ask i think. Before when i did this, i couldn't take more than a few steps because of pain. Yesterday though, my mind and my body wanted to soar, to run, to be free if even for a moment. I hit the button on that treadmill and took it to 5.1. I jogged. I felt free. I felt excited. The feeling lasted for all of 2 minutes and i slowed to a fast walk but then i did it again.. and again..

My foods been good all week. I don't know if i will show a loss or not but thats ok. I'll adjust the amount if need be. Right now the concern is in getting my meals in. Today though, the stress got to me. Dealing with the insurance company and the garage over my car. My fear the car will never be the same. I know minor things maybe but for me they signaled an attack. I had my lunch all planned out, Turkey burger, fruit etc:,, but my throat closed. I didn't want to do anything but sit in my car and cry. I went to my car but all of a sudden i didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to cry. Well my body did but i didn't feel like giving in to the dispair. I was still at school and boy did i want food, junk food. I went into the cafeteria and ordered a double order of hot wings. 6 to an order. I ate about 10 of them, and about 4 cups of watermelon, but the cake was still calling me. The wings were horrible, and i ate them thinking.. man these are nasty.. but everytime i felt a tear and didnt allow it fall i thought man i want a piece of cake soo bad. So instead of getting the cake, I went up to the computer lab to blog. While there, a classmate who saw me go up, came and asked me would i like to go for a walk by the river. I did, we walked and talked for 45 minutes and i felt lot better.

There is a lesson in this day. Previously i would have sat in my car and not eatten a thing, cried and been miserable the rest of the day. Weakened mentally i would have made bad choices the rest of the day. By making the simple choice to not isolate myself at that time, a chain of events ensued that helped me get through it. I still wanted and still want that cake, but i know every single time i make the choice to have or do something else, Thats a victory!! Yes i ate off plan but it wasn't all bad. I had a long walk after and i was able to contain it. I didn't allow it to give me an excuse to say the hell with it and let the head hunger win.

One step at a time, One decision at a time. Head hunger is like a persistant child. It will not go away quickly or easily. Sometimes it wears away at us and makes deals and bargains. Just this one time can't hurt... Don't fall for the lies!! Say no,, again and again if necessary. You can do it, if you stumble it's ok, stand up straight again and keep on going!

You can do it!! I have faith!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Simply aThank You..

I just needed to take a moment to thank you guys. Before i went to bed last night i browsed blogs and did everything i normally do for a few moments, but i avoided my blog. The reason i did that was because i was afraid to reread it. I was afraid of the pain i know is in me. None of those things is new, I mean really, they were my life, but when you keep it inside, you can iggnore it, forget it, Not think about it. When it is laid in fron of you, you have no choice but remember, and of course it hurts. I believe it's a healing hurt though. It's a process of  properly "mourning" the past so that i can go on. I was surprised at how many comments i had. I think i felt that writing that blog made me a misfit. Ive shared to much. Made them uncomfortable. Hell i made ME uncomfortable, but isnt that what this is about? getting out of that "comfort" zone that has allowed us to hide for so long?

My childhood made made me who i am. I realize now, i will forever be "bookish". I will forever prefer the company of myself or a single person. I will forever be mentally older than those who are my age. I will forever be the fixer. I really LOVE to do those things. The thing i need to realize is. That is ok!! Once i accept that. Truly accept that, that is who i am, and it's ok. I will be much happier. None of the things i am are bad things. I think somewhere along the line i fell into this idea that life had to fit a "mold". That i began to feel things were so bad for me and i wanted those "book" moms and "tv" moms lives so bad that i lost focus of reality.

I don't know what expectations i had of blogging or if i had any. I do know though that by writing and reading, it has helped me a great deal. I LOVE reading your blogs because it gives me perspective. It makes me ask myself the tough questions. It shows me that wow. There is someone else there who knows, who understands, who can relate. I cannot Thank You guys enough. I get so much from you. I think even though we don't always say it. We get so much from each other. Sometimes i read and the blogs are so inspirational and upbeat all the time and i think. Wow why can't that be me. However at the same time, it gives me the sense that well, he or she is accomplishing it, maybe i can too. The support is awesome and it encourages and helps people. Sometimes it's that one comment that may help someone who's having a tough time make it through the day. I don't have to tell you how good it feels to get that "supportive" hug. Thats all most of us need and for me, your comments are hugs, they say no matter what you think of yourself. We see the person you are peeking out. Sometimes we lose focus of who we are and need someone else to point that person out.

Sometimes the blogs are sad and so filled with pain i just wished i knew where they lived so i could hug them and tell them it was ok.. (although that would probably end up with me blogging from a jail cell lol). I just know there are so many of us in this boat and in this journey, and to any who are silently watching and reading, not knowing what to do, afraid. You are not alone. I feel you, I hear you, I know you, I am you and i thank you for your silent support. I thank you for taking the steps to be here and beginning the process of your healing.

I challenge you all. Wether you share it or not. Think about why you want to lose weight or why your disfunctional with food. Not the cosmetic, like i just wanna be smaller, healthier, etc: Im sure thats part of it, but when your by yourself, examine what it is you REALLY hope will happen when you lose it. What does it signify to you.

Thank you all sooo sooo much. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to know there's someone out there who hears my cries. I am not alone, and i can do this!!

Well it's time for my walk and talk with my heart. I wonder what goodies todays walk will be. My focus is going to be on rewarding myself.

Talk to you soon


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the past DOES define who we are....

If we let it!! However it does not define who we will or can become. During my walk today i asked myself the age old question. Why do i want to lose weight. What do i hope to gain from it, and what are my weight loss goals. You would think with a beginning of 385lbs and a loss of 140lbs. I would have those answers by now but i didn't. Largely because i was afraid i just didn't know. I just "wanted to be smaller" was the idea. O i could spout off. To get healthier, but well, technically i am, I was type 2 diabetes and now im not. How about, to fit into a roller coaster seat and ride with my children. Well to my astonishment and discomfort. I did that last year. Ummmmm how about so i don't have to shop online and buy too expensive ugly grandma clothes!! Did that too. Ok so by all intents and purposes i have a achieved the goal of "just bieng smaller" so why do i continue to try to lose weight?

Next question; Why have i not set a goal. That ones simple. Fear!! With no goal, theres no failure and lets face it, isn't that the biggest and most uncomfortable fear of all??

What do i hope to gain from it?? Ahhhhhh now HERE is the meat of the questions. As i walked and pondered these questions, this one kept resurfacing. Some people say, I don't understand why therapists always want to go into your past. How is that going to help. Well its simple. A person with no past is always lost. Our ENTIRE lives is what defines us. Its defines the way we see things, the way we react to situations and how we behave. We LEARN. Much like babies. Bad relationships, good relationships etc: I will use me as an example.

My mom had me when she was 16, She moved out when she was 19, and then had another baby. By the time i was 7 i was babysitting overnight for my 2 baby brothers, I was never allowed outside to play so i started reading books. I have no sisters or female cousins in my age range. All i did was read and babysit, pretty much my whole life. I became bookish, had panick attacks in the third grade and never had a real friend because i was never allowed outside, and if i did i had to tow around 2 baby brothers, each 3 yrs apart. When something happened, it was my fault. When i tried to surprise her at 10 by letting one of her friends help me clean the house for when she came home from work they stole some things, it was my fault. Everything became my fault. The reason she couldn't keep a man, If my brothers did something wrong, I got beat for it. All i ever wanted was acceptance and a mom. I can't recount all the times i tried so hard to gain acceptance from her. I can remember stealing candy and risking beatings from an extension cord belt she made by braiding 3 extension cords together. So i could take it to school and GIVE it away to the other kids because i thought this would make them like me. hang out with me. I was always a part of the "in" crowd but never an emotional part. I didn't have any "real" social skills. hell by the time i was 15 most of my baby brothers friends thought i was his mom. He even at one point started calling me mommy and asking me instead of her for things!! I still had panick attacks and tried to kill myself at 16 by taking a bottle of tylenol. I thought noone will notice i'm gone, I was so lonely and miserable. When falling asleep from the tylenol, i realized it was true. Noone in my house ever spoke to me or noticed me unless they needed something. it was usual for me to spend days in my room reading. I realized this was it i could die, and at the same time i realized i didn't want to die, and so i went and told her what i'd done. When they released me from the hospital they recommended therapy for US. She said we didn't need therapy and refused to go.

Fast foreward 30 years. Im still bookish, uncomfortable around people. Driven to do everything perfect so theres nothing left to be "my fault". Feeling pain and hurt at not bieng included in things i don't even like to do with people i have NOTHING in common with. I usually refuse or have trouble accepting help from anyone because i never want to be in a position where someone can come to me and say "i did this for you". I want to run away from my family because im so sick of caring for people. I'm burned out. At 40.

Now i'm not looking for pity, or sympathy or woe is me crap. Nor am i looking to place blame. This is NOT about blame. it's about accepting WHO you are for WHAT you are, and to do that you need an accurate grasp on WHO you are. It's about seeing what it is you do, and why you do it, so you can change it. You can't change something you refuse to acknowledge or see. It's about going into the water dirty and emerging reborn and clean.

Through all this i realized that I was secretly thinking if i lost enough weight, I would fit in, People would like me and include me and love me. As painful as it is, I see now, losing all the weight in the world won't give me that. I set out on a losing battle from the door. I need to learn to like me, include me, and love me all by myself, and maybe then i will actually begin to see and allow the people inside who are out there that also want that for me.

My weight loss goal is 180lbs.


this is one of the hardest things ive ever done...

Affirm and reaffirm and damnit,, affirm it again!!

Yesterday was an up and down day for me. Long story short, about mid-day i decided i had given up, thrown in the towel. I was tired of life, of caring, of everything in general. it lead me to eatting badly. Ummm i won't go into many details here either, I had fried chicken, birthday cake, (twice!), cheetoes, and just in general ate bad and nothing was enjoyable. It tasted like mud!

I still for lord knows what reason forced, and i do mean forced myself to go to the gym and do a step class. While i was there a "group" of girls i know came in and basically iggnored me, talking about texting each other and phone calls etc: and again i felt so alone and left out. It hurt, I wanted to cry and leave the gym to never come back, but i figured i was there so i may as well get through the class.

An amazing thing happened to me as i stood in the front row, hair all over my head, sweating, looking rediculous ontop of my stepper. I stared at my reflection and said, FUCK EM!! (scuse my french) You are not here for them. You want this for you. Your going to do it, you don't need socializing and to be included in anything. YOU can do this. Don't get me wrong, it still will hurt, i still will hate to go to the gym with them. I have no choice, they work with my trainer also and are her friends, but i will not let them bring me down or cause me to lose my focus!

After that i went to the park and walked for about a mile and thought about things. I came home renewed. I packed my lunch, I made my snacks, I planned my 5 mini meals. i decided to add walking in the morning back into my life. I laid out my clothes, all i had to do was get up at my normal time, wash myself, get dressed and head out the door an hour earlier thanks to last nights preparations. So far today i am on schedule!!

During this walk today i'm going to ask myself key questions that i never settled on before. What are my goals. In weight loss and life. Why do i do this. Where do i hope to be and what do i hope to happen. I have so many questions and so few answers, I hope to sort some of that out and get it down on paper. Well now im running behind lol!! time to get out that door. have a blessed day all!!

It's ok to lose focus, over and over again... just keep finding it and you'll be ok!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Confessions of disfunctional eatting....

Yesterday, after i weighed myself in the morning. I lost control and focus. I mean i felt in control and yet i wouldn't eat. My brain refused to accept the idea of food. I did try. I carried a protein shake, an orange and a granola bar with me. I had a 6 hour forensic science symposium to attend. I got to hear Dr. Ceryl Wecht speak. (whom by the way is a brilliant man!) He spoke on all the Kennedy cases he's done an autopsy on or been present for. He also spoke on many other famous cases he's been a part of such as Jon Benet Ramsey, OJ, 3 or 4 of the Kennedy's, he even spoke about Marilyn Monroe!! OK i digress

Anyways I think in my head that i had decided to try and not eat. Stupid right? I mean i never had a "clear" conscious thought of this, It's hindsight. It's like my answer to feeling like i have no control over food is to try and eliminate it from my life. I'm sitting here and trying to work this out in my head because i just don't know. Sometimes, i sit and i read these other blogs and they are so wonderful and inspirational and eloquent and I hate to admit it, Some of them make me feel like a failure. They make me feel like i should be invisible and i should just hide and watch everything from behind the "curtain". Here i am, whining and moaning and crying all the time, I don't even have any good pictures,or good tips, I don't really seem to have anything worth anything to give and i just don't understand. Why it seems everything i touch or try to do turns to crap?

I keep pushing though, mostly because i don't know what else to do. I'm afraid of where I'll end up if i stop pushing, yet afraid of there being nothing ahead to push to. Does that make any sense? This weekend when i saw my grandma, she told me, you have to be able to let some things go. She said you only have 1 brain and if you fill it up with stuff, you have no room for you anymore then where will you be? You'll be lost. No home inside yourself. Ive been thinking about that a lot lately. Seems that's all i do is think.

Yesterday, i thought i had it all together, I tried to make myself eat correctly, i really did. Verity commented on my blog and i kept saying to myself she's right. eat damnit!! What she said really rung true inside me but there was something else inside me stronger. That damn fear of food. I was going to eat my orange first but then i got scared, i said what if i eat this and it makes me hungrier. What am i gonna do!! So i put it off. When i finally ate something it was 1 in the afternoon. The second speaker was putting me to sleep and i was in the front row, so i decided to hang out at the "refreshment" table. Yeah baddddd idea!! I started out by by picking up one of those saucer sized plates and putting some pretzels and salty homemade chips on it to nibble on. I estimate i had about 3 of them and from there my eating went downhill. This is my total food for yesterday, eating while simultaneously trying to not eat.

dinner plate of homemade salty potato chips, pretzels, and a few tortilla chips (best est:)
large orange
granola bar
a diet Pepsi
3 tablespoons tuna fish salad
8 crackers
4 triangular wedges of watermelon
3 brownies
and a bowl of cereal before bed (multigrain cheerios)

That is everything i consumed yesterday. It looks like so little to the eye, but my brain is whispering "thats way to much food!!)..I remember when eatting the tuna thinkinking to myself. You gotta stop!! I went straight home and to sleep after the symposium. Now i sit here with the same problem today i had yesterday. I'm not hungry, I'm afraid to eat because eating will make me more hungry. I have no idea what if anything to make for lunch today at school but I'm going to make something anyways and pray i get through eating it without much trouble. Well i better get going.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, stressfree day.

Monday, May 10, 2010

A new nightmare....(maybe)

I'm frustrated. No I'm not in meltdown stage my mask is firmly in place and no one but you guys will be able to know how I'm feeling on the inside. I'm frustrated and and feeling all scared and balled up in knots inside today. Today was weigh in Monday and i was afraid to get on the scale but i did it anyway. I know there's no getting away from that so I suck it up and head to the basement. Well I'm up 0.4 lbs. which doesn't seem like much but it still makes me want to cry. I'm trying SO damn hard!! I walked 5 miles on Saturday. I was so proud of myself, i had never done that before. It was hard. O sure i can work weights like a monster, but i usually walk about 2 miles at a stretch and just have all my normal activity. Plus with school the walking had stopped remember? So this was a challenge. I had to split it up, 3 in the morning and another 2 in the evening but i did it. On top of all the other stuff i do. Sigh. It hurts inside though, i can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Of course my mind is screaming you eat too much, your a pig and that's why you can't lose. I'm trying very hard to ignore it but i know my activity level is on the extremely active or above scale so it has to be the food and I'm ashamed to say the voice is winning. I haven't eaten anything yet and I'm not hungry. It's only 8 a.m. but considering i usually have breakfast by 6 I'm already thrown off schedule and every time i say to myself you gotta go eat something, my throat closes up. Sigh..

Subject change sorta. Guess what happened to me this weekend. At about 3 in the morning Sat night, well Sun. morn. I hear a big boom, it's like a bomb went off, so i run outside to see whats happening. A lady ran into my neighbors car which was a car length behind my car. She hit it so hard it sandwiched his car and rammed it under my car!! Sigh if it wasn't for bad luck i wouldn't have any luck at all.
This is my poor Maxima that i struggled for YEARS just to be able to afford and have only had for 3 months!! The trunk doesn't open and my dash is lit up like a Christmas tree. sigh.. but at least it's not my neighbors car.. The one sitting on my bumper.. This is what his car looks like from behind...

Sigh.. The lady that hit the cars is absolutely fine,, She got out of her Honda crv and walked away without a scratch. God truly is amazing. The police estimate she was going between 70-90 mph when she hit our parked cars. She said she fell asleep. She wasn't drunk and really didn't seem hi so i do accept her excuse. (I guess that's what you would call it) Wanna hear something else.. When we finally got to the exchange info part at the end, I discovered this "woman" was younger than my daughter!! She was 16!! Had just recently gotten her license!! So umm why was she speeding through town at 3 in the freaking morning!!! at 16!! alone in a car!! with a Jr license that says your not allowed to drive after 11 p.m. without an adult in the car with you!! I'm just speechless. Well, i need to head to the body shop and then attend a forensic Science symposium for school. That's a whole different stress. I'm a social misfit! I don't know how to mingle with people i don't know!! This is supposed to be a networking event. The only networking I'll probably will do is with a chair in a quiet corner losing myself in the current book I'm reading. Pray for me today guys, Keep me in your hearts and minds, Send comfort and courage my way. I need it!! (Don't worry though guys, despite ALL this, on the outside I'm holding it together!!)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Regaining perspectives...

Today is a new day in many senses of the word. I got up this morning with a headache, you know the kind where your not sure you slept too much or not enough. I was plagued by dreams last night. I dreamed i got an email saying i had breast cancer and uterine cancer and i had only a few months to lose the rest of the weight i wanted to lose before i died. I wasn't sure what the message in that dream was about. Surprisingly i didn't wake up terrified or in a cold sweat or anything. I wonder if maybe it was fear because last night, I decided today was the day i get my butt in gear. Today is the first day in my new battle.

I took a moment to think about what helped me the most when i was losing.

1) I was walking almost every morning. Yes i was tired but it gave me time to spend for reflection, relaxation and it was the time i felt closest to God. Where i gave him my fears and problems and praised him and spent time with him. I stopped walking because it became to hard to fit it in since i leave for school at 7 and already get up at 5. I realize now though that after those walks, my day went better, i was able to deal with things better.

2)Eatting, I was diabetic so i had cut out ALL sugar. When it was a question of my life, i did it unthinkingly and after a while i didn't miss it much. I was able to turn it down easier because i equated it with needles in the stomach. I also ate according to a plan. I carried a lunch EVERYWHERE! To picnics, to parties, even if going out for a quick stop or to friends house for a couple hours "just in case".  I ate something every few hours, I got ALL of my sugar from fruits. Once i started school, and dropped weight and am now no longer considered diabetic i started having a cookie here or there, a piece of chocolate etc: Of course you see where this is headed.

3)I didn't deprive myself of anything, If i wanted a cookie i got one, i just TOOK THE TIME to find a sugar free one, or a healthier version that i loved just as much. If i had to have those mashed potatoes, i would eat half, I began to realize it is OK to not belong to the clean plate club. That food doesn't have to be my enemy. That maybe some things just aren't worth the price. I get to choose what price i want to pay for what items and that covers everything from purses and shoes to food! I also didn't beat myself up. I just had to learn moderation. For instance, i can't have a large bag of sunchips in my home, I realize even though they may be a healthier choice of a chip, i have no control and will eat the whole bag. That is not healthy. Instead, when i want sunchips and just have to have them, i go and buy the 99 cent bag. Yes the whole thing is probably more than 1 serving, however it's not as many as eatting a whole giant bag and  invariably i don't eat them as much because out of sight out of mind. When i buy granola bars i keep them in my trunk. When i want 1 it's usually inconvienient to get it lol. I transfer 1 a day to my armrest and that keeps me accountable, and keeps me from inhaling the whole box.

4) Exercise.. I began to enjoy exercise because it energized me and made me feel good after. I enjoyed the people at the gym, I took pride in bieng able to do the things i was able to that i never thought i could. Then I allowed failing knee's and shoulders and feet bring me down and rob me of that joy. I stopped focusing on what i could do and began to focus on what i wanted to do but couldn't. I realize now that everyone can't be Arnold Swartzenegger (sp. lol). Who am i trying to impress?? I'm so competitive!! I even get on my teachers nerves lol. really though....

I know that the feeling of bieng out of control will happen again and again. I also know the key to regaining control is having a strong foundation and a good perspective on things. Knowing what works for yourself is the key. Taking the time to get to know yourself is half the battle and that's what this blog is about for me. Yesterday when i blogged and posted my pictures, I realized i STILL feel like that first picture. The lady smiling at you from the bottom is not me. I looked and looked at that picture and said to myself. I wish i really was as pretty as her. I know that seems crazy because it is me. However it's not the me that i see when i look in the mirror, and until i face those demons and learn what it is that keeps me seperate from her. I can't end this war within myself. This need for acceptance and validation but fellow bloggers. I am well on my way.

Like im fond of saying. It aint gonna be a pretty ride.. but it's too late to get off now!!


Friday, May 7, 2010

A revealing look at the "me" of it all....

I feel pretty ok today, I want to thank everyone for thier supportive words during my "dark time". i'm not going to say everything is all peachy keen and great and i'm totally back on the "eat healthy" bandwagon. I ate like crap today, I had god only knows how many cookies and handfulls of potatoe chips and i think i blacked out because i seriously cannot remember what else i ate! So has she lost it finally you ask? Why is she so happy all of a sudden.

The answer is, I have NO freakin idea. I got a little extra rest that may be it, I aced my practical exam today, that may be it, I didn't have to go to the gym today.. Hmmm i dunno. I think i just got tired of whining and crying, bitching and moaning. Clearly im unable to go back to the way i was so i may as well go foreward right. Your probably wondering where back was. this was the beginning for me. i never had the courage to post this before but now i do. I can't forget where i have been anymore than i can stop looking forward to where im going. That is where i was. I look at that picture and i think wow.

How, when and where did this happen? Why? I dunno, I just know i'm not going back there. If i can find joy in anything. I should be able to find joy in that thought. Now thats not to say im happy where im at. this is where i am right now. As of today in my doctors office. Sigh i'm not happy there either. Look at  (5/7/2010)
That gut!! All the shirring in the world can't hide that gut,, but you know what,, if it went from picture one to this,, It can down even more. I think my lesson for today is I'm going to have bad days, Im going to have melt downs and crying spells, Days where i kick and scream and want to die and days where i just have to have that pack of cookies, but IT'S OK!! long as i remember, I get to pick and choose my battles in this war. I am in control of what happens and as long as even a small part of me is willing to fight. I WILL EMERGE THE VICTOR!!! It may take another year. It may take longer but i'm not going to just give up. The finish line is right around the corner and when i reach it.. this is the face you'll see.

Just hopefully a little slimmer!!
Thank you all because without your encouragement and words that have given me sooo much to think about and have really made me realize. I don't stand alone. I'm not the only one out there hurting. There are wonderful people just like you, beside me, in front of me,, and even those i don't see behind me holding me up. Thank your for the accountability.
(That pic was saturday 5/1/2010) 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The baker is my pusher and snickerdoodles are my drug of choice...

 I have a lot on my mind today. Well, everyday usually. I'm sitting here and I have all these feelings built up and so much i want to say but i don't know where to begin. Maybe just talking about my day today would be a good start. I thought today that my funk was over. I got up, I ate breakfast, I added 2 pieces of toast to my protien shake and watermelon breakfast. (my attempt at adding more food). I also added another slice of bread to my tuna fish and watermelon lunch and an orange. School was so-so. I was thinking, ok Trina, it's bounce back time, I gave myself the whole ra-ra you can do it speech. I came back in from lunch a few minutes early, signed up for yet another "track your food and calories" website. I was so ready!!

So why when i went into Sam's club shopping for food did it all of a sudden fall apart. I was walking down the isles looking at food packages and reading labels, I remember thinking to myself. O this looks good, then looking at the label and putting it back on the shelf. After isle after isle of that, I snapped. I just stopped and wanted to cry. All of a sudden i was so DAMN tired of counting calories, of looking at fat and sodium, or buying something not because it i LIKED it but because it was all i was "allowed" to have. I wanted to cry and scream, or run away, or something. Instead i ate. I ate 6 cookies and 2 slices of pizza. I would have eatten a giant buttery pretzel with lots of salt too if it wasnt for the fact the machine was broken. I hated myself while i ate. yet still i ate. I said  to myself, I don't care anymore.

People have told me before that i don't eat enough. I agree this is more than likely true. Ive never been a big eatter. truth be told, most of the obese people i know aren't big eatters. just disfunctional eatters. lots of hi fat fast food and not much activity is usually the culprit. I have yet to see these large overweight people who eat whole roast pigs, 4 pounds of bacon, 2 dozen eggs etc: just for breakfast like on a few of these talk shows. However society says this must be true of all of us. I remember going to nutritionists and doctors and they all approached me as if i hid in the closet eatting massive amounts of food. I did hide when i eat and still do but thats because if your large, it seems to be pumped into you that eatting is bad. Almost as if by bieng thin a person is automatically thought to be "eatting correctly" As if a large person can't just like a salad. If a large person is eatting a salad, the concensus is "they're on a diet". There always seems to be a judgement attached to food. So is it any wonder when my scale says 250lbs. My brain says eat less? More food =weight gain. Least thats what i was always told. At one point i had become so afraid of food i was consuming only 500 calories on a good day. Not because I wanted to but because I was afraid. I am afraid of food. There i said it. Does it change anything? Not really.

It controls me and i can't escape it. It's like the Baker is a pusher and im addicted to his drug. The gym is rehab. 12 steps aren't working for me. I know i should eat more but i can't. the fear is like a vice around my throat. tighter than a too small turtle neck. It's so easy for others to say. Just eat more. Like im normal. meanwhile, I'm NOT normal. Counting calories? Starving oneself? Eatting and hating oneself because of what i ate. Fighting with myself to get on the scale every week. Telling myself i won't cry if it moved up, or didn't move at all. Going to the gym even when im dog tired, or in pain? Barely bieng able to walk some days because my knees hurt so bad from the gym. Does that sound normal? Do people with a healthy BMI who have never been overweight do those things? better yet are they encouraged to do those things? Is what they are eatting EVER questioned?

Sigh ok, I'm just sick of whining, I'm sick of this pity party, Im sick of bieng me. Right now i can't decide if it's my life i hate or me. Some days are usually better than others. The mask i wear is falling off and i can't seem to stop it. All the great things i tell myself are right around the corner after all this is over are looking like pipe dreams. Fantasies. Like the stories i used to tell my daughter when she was a small child.

The only joy i had in my life was food, when your poor and material things are usually out of the question, it's food that comforts you when the lights go out and you have no way to pay the bill. It's food that holds your hand when your lonely and the kids are asleep and your demons are awake, It's food that is there to comfort you when someone dies, It's food that is there when things get to be too much to handle. it's food thats there to reward you for a job well done. It's food thats there for celebrations, and parties and graduations. Food is a comforter, a fixer, a helper, and even a lover. (chocolate can be oragamic!) How do you let go? Why do i have to let go? Can i let go.....

(i swear the song from new jack city is playing in my head right now. "im your pusher" I think it's called and that is soooo my signal to end this.)

When I began this blog I didn't know where it would go or why, but there it is in all it's awful glory. Tragedy is, I'm still hungry and even though ive told myself i don't care anymore etc: etc: I wont eat. I'll sit here on my computer and every so often think to myself, man im hungry, and just iggnore it. 

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


It's 4 in the morning and im scared. I woke up stressed over things at about 2:30. I have school in the morning, we're in the lab doing titrations. I went to the gym today and pushed through a workout. well yesterday. My knees ached and i was so tired but i just kept thinkinking to myself, I'm disgusting, I'm tired of bieng the fat girl. They have those huge mirrors in the gym, you know the floor to ceiling ones. So im on the weights side you know, the side with the men. I'm doing bicep curls. 2 sets of 25 with 25lb weights and 2 sets of 20 with 30 lb weights and im watching myself in the mirror. I just kept staring at my hair all over the place, the spare tire around my middle, the sag underneath my arms. My knock knees and big thighs and thinking to myself I could be lifting a million pounds on each arm and it wouldn't make a difference. I'd still be awful. I'll still never be attractive. I'd need major work to just not be gross. I wanted to cry. I hated myself. I felt cheated, why can't i be one of the beautiful people. Why am i so ugly? Losing the fat won't help that. I don't know, I don't care anymore. Instead, i finished my sets and someone talked me into taking a circuit training class. So i wobbled through that. I don't feel like i got a good workout but hat wasn't the classes fault. My heart just wasn't in it.

I came home starving, I ate a piece of steak and 2 slices of bread. Some applesauce and grapes, and a banana, at the time i felt like i was gorging myself, i was still so hungry but i was clueless about what to eat. I went to sleep and woke up starving and with a panic attack over bills. So here i am, alternately crying and starving. The stress makes me feel weak. Like i can't move or function but im sooo hungry. I'm so scared. I don't understand my disfuctionality with food. A part of me knows it's not just about the food, I probably can't gain control of my food until i gain control of my life. Ironically i feel i can't get control of my life till i get control of the food and lose the weight. Im on this awful merry go round and it's going faster and faster. I can't seem to get off. If i try and jump now i feel like i'll die.

Im sorry for such downer blogs but i need to be honest with how im feeling.

Yesterdays food...

Breakfast.. protien shake,, 2 cups watermelon

Lunch.. 2 turkey sandwhiches on wheat, 4 cups of watermelon

snacks.. 2 oranges, banana

Dinner.. steak, 2 slices wheat bread, grapes and applesauce

Monday, May 3, 2010

Just another Pity Party...

Im tired, Im angry, Im frustrated, Im stressed, Im lonely and Im scared. Sigh.. I'm also isolating and by blogging i'm trying to force myself out of this mode. It doesn't help anything. At the same time though i can't really see a reason for not isolating, but here i am.

I suppose your wondering whats going on. Too much to post but i'll give a brief overview. Last Friday my 17 year old daughter didn't come home, call or anything. I found her safe the next day but if your a parent you understand that does not overshadow the damn 24 hrs of hell you go through in that 1 night. Of course i put her on punishment. Now i get to see me plastered all over her facebook page how she hates me, and her life etc: etc:.. My marraige is falling apart. It's pretty much over after 20 years. He isn't a bad man, Im not abused, or cheated on (at least in the last 12 that i know of), but he's no help to me. I'm essentially raising the kids alone. Yes he also works, but the feelings are pretty much gone on my part. he doesn't spend any time with our son, He doesn't help with the kids or around the house, other than working a job thats not giving him enough hours, add to that child support coming out of said check for a past transgression, add to that he wont answer the phone when they try to call him in for extra hours, add to that when he's not at work he's hanging out with his friends playing video games and smoking weed. I'm tired of adding to that, either you get the picture or you don't. Next problem.. Umm i have 3 checks out 2 of which are going to bounce more than likely today. Umm my phone will probably also get cut off this week. Umm the scale isn't moving and I am Literally busting my ass in the gym, I haven't been posting my workouts lately because im too tired but it's more of the same or more.

I don't seem to eat anything much these days but fruit, i don't know where to turn. I'm scared. I can't even figure out anymore food to stop eatting. Im so tired!! I go to school from 7 am till 3pm.. Then i go straight to the gym where i spend on average 2-3 hours, then even though im exhausted and hurting, I have had 2 knee surgeries and i currently have a torn rotator cuff, (shoulder) that requires surgery. I have to go home and clean up my completely nasty bug infested house with no help. Last week i just slid down the wall in my kitchen to floor and sat there and cried. I'm so tired of crying but i just don't know what else to do. I'm so broken and i just keep pushing foreward but things just seem to keep getting worse for me.

Yes this is a pity party and i am wearing my crown proudly. I just came up from the scale and i haven't lost anything. After everything ive done, deprived myself of even 1 damn cookie, miserable and hungry every day ontop of everything else and i'm still fat!! tearing my body apart, in pain daily and for what?

Because i KNOW there has to be something better out there somewhere right? The weight WILL eventually move, The bills WILL eventually get paid, I'll just have to pull up my big girl panties and make what i have work. I WILL maintain my 4.0 GPA. I WILL NOT just give in. I WILL still eat my single sanwhich and tub of watermelon for lunch in my car today because i REFUSE to lay down and die. I WILL be all i can be and without the aid of uncle sam because, well because there's nothing else to be done.. There is no going back. So all i can do is go foreward and pray that one of these days, when i turn the bend on the road that is my life. I'll see something wonderful at the end that will make all of this worth it.

On that note.. You all have to get out because this pity party is over!!

Enjoy your day and count and number your blessings.