Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Affirm and reaffirm and damnit,, affirm it again!!

Yesterday was an up and down day for me. Long story short, about mid-day i decided i had given up, thrown in the towel. I was tired of life, of caring, of everything in general. it lead me to eatting badly. Ummm i won't go into many details here either, I had fried chicken, birthday cake, (twice!), cheetoes, and just in general ate bad and nothing was enjoyable. It tasted like mud!

I still for lord knows what reason forced, and i do mean forced myself to go to the gym and do a step class. While i was there a "group" of girls i know came in and basically iggnored me, talking about texting each other and phone calls etc: and again i felt so alone and left out. It hurt, I wanted to cry and leave the gym to never come back, but i figured i was there so i may as well get through the class.

An amazing thing happened to me as i stood in the front row, hair all over my head, sweating, looking rediculous ontop of my stepper. I stared at my reflection and said, FUCK EM!! (scuse my french) You are not here for them. You want this for you. Your going to do it, you don't need socializing and to be included in anything. YOU can do this. Don't get me wrong, it still will hurt, i still will hate to go to the gym with them. I have no choice, they work with my trainer also and are her friends, but i will not let them bring me down or cause me to lose my focus!

After that i went to the park and walked for about a mile and thought about things. I came home renewed. I packed my lunch, I made my snacks, I planned my 5 mini meals. i decided to add walking in the morning back into my life. I laid out my clothes, all i had to do was get up at my normal time, wash myself, get dressed and head out the door an hour earlier thanks to last nights preparations. So far today i am on schedule!!

During this walk today i'm going to ask myself key questions that i never settled on before. What are my goals. In weight loss and life. Why do i do this. Where do i hope to be and what do i hope to happen. I have so many questions and so few answers, I hope to sort some of that out and get it down on paper. Well now im running behind lol!! time to get out that door. have a blessed day all!!

It's ok to lose focus, over and over again... just keep finding it and you'll be ok!!