Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The baker is my pusher and snickerdoodles are my drug of choice...

 I have a lot on my mind today. Well, everyday usually. I'm sitting here and I have all these feelings built up and so much i want to say but i don't know where to begin. Maybe just talking about my day today would be a good start. I thought today that my funk was over. I got up, I ate breakfast, I added 2 pieces of toast to my protien shake and watermelon breakfast. (my attempt at adding more food). I also added another slice of bread to my tuna fish and watermelon lunch and an orange. School was so-so. I was thinking, ok Trina, it's bounce back time, I gave myself the whole ra-ra you can do it speech. I came back in from lunch a few minutes early, signed up for yet another "track your food and calories" website. I was so ready!!

So why when i went into Sam's club shopping for food did it all of a sudden fall apart. I was walking down the isles looking at food packages and reading labels, I remember thinking to myself. O this looks good, then looking at the label and putting it back on the shelf. After isle after isle of that, I snapped. I just stopped and wanted to cry. All of a sudden i was so DAMN tired of counting calories, of looking at fat and sodium, or buying something not because it i LIKED it but because it was all i was "allowed" to have. I wanted to cry and scream, or run away, or something. Instead i ate. I ate 6 cookies and 2 slices of pizza. I would have eatten a giant buttery pretzel with lots of salt too if it wasnt for the fact the machine was broken. I hated myself while i ate. yet still i ate. I said  to myself, I don't care anymore.

People have told me before that i don't eat enough. I agree this is more than likely true. Ive never been a big eatter. truth be told, most of the obese people i know aren't big eatters. just disfunctional eatters. lots of hi fat fast food and not much activity is usually the culprit. I have yet to see these large overweight people who eat whole roast pigs, 4 pounds of bacon, 2 dozen eggs etc: just for breakfast like on a few of these talk shows. However society says this must be true of all of us. I remember going to nutritionists and doctors and they all approached me as if i hid in the closet eatting massive amounts of food. I did hide when i eat and still do but thats because if your large, it seems to be pumped into you that eatting is bad. Almost as if by bieng thin a person is automatically thought to be "eatting correctly" As if a large person can't just like a salad. If a large person is eatting a salad, the concensus is "they're on a diet". There always seems to be a judgement attached to food. So is it any wonder when my scale says 250lbs. My brain says eat less? More food =weight gain. Least thats what i was always told. At one point i had become so afraid of food i was consuming only 500 calories on a good day. Not because I wanted to but because I was afraid. I am afraid of food. There i said it. Does it change anything? Not really.

It controls me and i can't escape it. It's like the Baker is a pusher and im addicted to his drug. The gym is rehab. 12 steps aren't working for me. I know i should eat more but i can't. the fear is like a vice around my throat. tighter than a too small turtle neck. It's so easy for others to say. Just eat more. Like im normal. meanwhile, I'm NOT normal. Counting calories? Starving oneself? Eatting and hating oneself because of what i ate. Fighting with myself to get on the scale every week. Telling myself i won't cry if it moved up, or didn't move at all. Going to the gym even when im dog tired, or in pain? Barely bieng able to walk some days because my knees hurt so bad from the gym. Does that sound normal? Do people with a healthy BMI who have never been overweight do those things? better yet are they encouraged to do those things? Is what they are eatting EVER questioned?

Sigh ok, I'm just sick of whining, I'm sick of this pity party, Im sick of bieng me. Right now i can't decide if it's my life i hate or me. Some days are usually better than others. The mask i wear is falling off and i can't seem to stop it. All the great things i tell myself are right around the corner after all this is over are looking like pipe dreams. Fantasies. Like the stories i used to tell my daughter when she was a small child.

The only joy i had in my life was food, when your poor and material things are usually out of the question, it's food that comforts you when the lights go out and you have no way to pay the bill. It's food that holds your hand when your lonely and the kids are asleep and your demons are awake, It's food that is there to comfort you when someone dies, It's food that is there when things get to be too much to handle. it's food thats there to reward you for a job well done. It's food thats there for celebrations, and parties and graduations. Food is a comforter, a fixer, a helper, and even a lover. (chocolate can be oragamic!) How do you let go? Why do i have to let go? Can i let go.....

(i swear the song from new jack city is playing in my head right now. "im your pusher" I think it's called and that is soooo my signal to end this.)

When I began this blog I didn't know where it would go or why, but there it is in all it's awful glory. Tragedy is, I'm still hungry and even though ive told myself i don't care anymore etc: etc: I wont eat. I'll sit here on my computer and every so often think to myself, man im hungry, and just iggnore it. 

5 comments:

  1. You put that into words well. The struggle you are in is universal. I think skiiny and fat women alike struggle with all these same thoughts and feelings. Thanks for being real and putting it on your blog!

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  2. Trina, I don't know if it we'll ever no longer have the desires for the foods we eat which make us dysfunctional eaters. My hope is that we will learn to better deal with those temptations positively. I am just starting my mission myself so I can't say I have any real advice here. Set backs happen, it is what you do at the next meal, or time hunger / temptation hits, that defines whether your goals are real or fantasies. They can be either one, but it is you that gets to decide that. Not the food. Not the pain. It's you that decides that. And we're here to help as best we can. Keep sharing and we'll keep helping.
    -Patrick

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  3. I can only say that I do understand and everything you do will always be a fight...but you are fighting or you never would have wrote any of that...you never would have wrote any thing about the way you feel. Never stop whining, crying, screaming or complaining. Say and write what you need to that will help you figure it all out...it's a hard road your going down and it won't ever get easy...just keep fighting...

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  4. I know what you mean about feeling like you can't eat out in public on account of your size. And if you do, it's either you judging yourself, or the likes of other people doing it for you. So either way, it's a neverending game of mental chess. I'm not overweight but I'm still judged and questioned when I speak about only eating fruits and vegetables. As though I should eat what someone else eats just to please the world and make myself accepted.

    Anyone I tell about it, they act as though I've just admitted to walking into their house on christmas eve and pissing on their kids. Apparently it's only acceptable to have a nice yummy salad with a huge smelly kebab that's been marinating in its own sweat all day long. Or with chips. But never alone, it's like a subliminal sign of the 666. Or at least that's how they act.

    Vegans and Vegetarians also get a hard time from society, when it comes to food, because it's not seen as a valid diet or way of eating because there's no meat there. So simply because a bunch of people don't agree with anothers lifestyle they have to make it out to be something flawed or 'not as good as' theirs. Which is very childish if you think about it, surely it's a matter of preference? And either preference should be valid, and up to the individual?

    If other people don't like it, they can stuff an entire loaf of bread down their throat and choke on the crumbs :P You can do this. Don't give in to that feeling of futility :)

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  5. Thanks everyone for your comments.. You guys give me so much to think about. I think getting it out is the first step because when you hold those feelings in they escalate and you begin to lose perspective. Getting it out is like "seeing" the peieces of the puzzle laid out, only then can you begin to put them back the way they belong.

    Verity, I understand where your coming from believe it or not. When i eat healthy people will encourage me not to!! When i say i don't eat something or other, it is frowned upon. Here (in america) food has become almost a controlling force. It defines you it seems. fat or skinny, short or tall. What you eat and how you eat is always frowned upon by someone. Wether its the meat eatters vs the none meat eatters, vegitarians vs the vegans. I say let everyone be and do themselves. Why should anyone care what you put in your mouth if theyre not providing it?

    I just don't get it. I must say though, i have never thought of a kabob marinating in it's own sweat lmaooo... ewwwwww...

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