Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Confessions of disfunctional eatting....

Yesterday, after i weighed myself in the morning. I lost control and focus. I mean i felt in control and yet i wouldn't eat. My brain refused to accept the idea of food. I did try. I carried a protein shake, an orange and a granola bar with me. I had a 6 hour forensic science symposium to attend. I got to hear Dr. Ceryl Wecht speak. (whom by the way is a brilliant man!) He spoke on all the Kennedy cases he's done an autopsy on or been present for. He also spoke on many other famous cases he's been a part of such as Jon Benet Ramsey, OJ, 3 or 4 of the Kennedy's, he even spoke about Marilyn Monroe!! OK i digress

Anyways I think in my head that i had decided to try and not eat. Stupid right? I mean i never had a "clear" conscious thought of this, It's hindsight. It's like my answer to feeling like i have no control over food is to try and eliminate it from my life. I'm sitting here and trying to work this out in my head because i just don't know. Sometimes, i sit and i read these other blogs and they are so wonderful and inspirational and eloquent and I hate to admit it, Some of them make me feel like a failure. They make me feel like i should be invisible and i should just hide and watch everything from behind the "curtain". Here i am, whining and moaning and crying all the time, I don't even have any good pictures,or good tips, I don't really seem to have anything worth anything to give and i just don't understand. Why it seems everything i touch or try to do turns to crap?

I keep pushing though, mostly because i don't know what else to do. I'm afraid of where I'll end up if i stop pushing, yet afraid of there being nothing ahead to push to. Does that make any sense? This weekend when i saw my grandma, she told me, you have to be able to let some things go. She said you only have 1 brain and if you fill it up with stuff, you have no room for you anymore then where will you be? You'll be lost. No home inside yourself. Ive been thinking about that a lot lately. Seems that's all i do is think.

Yesterday, i thought i had it all together, I tried to make myself eat correctly, i really did. Verity commented on my blog and i kept saying to myself she's right. eat damnit!! What she said really rung true inside me but there was something else inside me stronger. That damn fear of food. I was going to eat my orange first but then i got scared, i said what if i eat this and it makes me hungrier. What am i gonna do!! So i put it off. When i finally ate something it was 1 in the afternoon. The second speaker was putting me to sleep and i was in the front row, so i decided to hang out at the "refreshment" table. Yeah baddddd idea!! I started out by by picking up one of those saucer sized plates and putting some pretzels and salty homemade chips on it to nibble on. I estimate i had about 3 of them and from there my eating went downhill. This is my total food for yesterday, eating while simultaneously trying to not eat.

dinner plate of homemade salty potato chips, pretzels, and a few tortilla chips (best est:)
large orange
granola bar
a diet Pepsi
3 tablespoons tuna fish salad
8 crackers
4 triangular wedges of watermelon
3 brownies
and a bowl of cereal before bed (multigrain cheerios)

That is everything i consumed yesterday. It looks like so little to the eye, but my brain is whispering "thats way to much food!!)..I remember when eatting the tuna thinkinking to myself. You gotta stop!! I went straight home and to sleep after the symposium. Now i sit here with the same problem today i had yesterday. I'm not hungry, I'm afraid to eat because eating will make me more hungry. I have no idea what if anything to make for lunch today at school but I'm going to make something anyways and pray i get through eating it without much trouble. Well i better get going.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, stressfree day.


  1. Oh, honey, I can so relate to this. One of the biggest parts of the journey for me is to have (and I know this sounds cheesy) a healthy relationship with food. It's so easy to become scared of it. SO easy. And then it controls you in a completely different way. All the time I'm still reminding myself that eating is how I get fuel, and eating right is like a day at the spa for my body. Loving it and taking care of it.

    Oh, and I think I love your grandma.

  2. Trina, that forensic science symposium sounds interesting, having been the one to work on all of the famous folks who met to unfortunate ends, he has to have stories.

    Eliminating food sounds dangerous, but I know frustration can make a person want to do just that. I've been there on past diet attempts and found myself not allowing any food until lunch thinking that would help. Nope, the opposite occurred as I got crazy hungry and gorged at lunch, dinner, probably slept walked and ate all night too.

    Being afraid to eat because eating will make you more hungry, does eating make us want to eat more? I don't know really, I am not a genius on this health stuff but what I've learned is eat less but eat more frequently and the hunger does abate. I'm sure you have heard similar through your own journey. For me that has been true though, I eat 5-6 times a day, three are meals but medium in size (not the old me large plates heaping with sinful food), then the others are snacks or small meals.

    Keep pushing - never stop pushing, you have come too far to throw in the towel.

  3. I needed to find your blog! I have just figured out in the last week or so that I am an emotional eater. I never admitted that about myself because I didn't think it was true. But I find myself blowing off healthy eating and excercising if something goes terribly wrong in my day.

    You keep pushing and I will too!