Lately ive been going through so many things. I used to ask myself "why me" all the time. I no longer do that. instead i moved onto it's always me. I'm like all of the characters we watched as a kid growing up that seem to have nothing but bad luck. Charlie Brown, Linus, etc: I always felt i had a black cloud hanging over my shoulder.
I seemed to expect it, my life isn't right unless something is going wrong. I would always look at other people and think, what's thier secret. How can they be so happy all the damn time!! What is i've done that is so horrible that i have to be punished. I ask myself everyday what it is that i'm doing wrong.
People are always telling me that im strong, that my blessing is around the corner, all the things people say to try to make someone whos hurting feel better. I never believed it, I truly believed i am destined to suffer my entire life and then just die suffering. This week i had given up. I was broken, correction i am broken, but not completely.
Something happened this weekend. Yesterday, i got a call from my best friends sister. My best friend had been going through a lot of things, She had breast cancer, it was very aggressive. She was diagnosed and within 2 weeks of bieng diagnosed, she had to have a mastectomy of her left breast. After that they told her there was still some more that she would need to have removed. I think Clara got scared, within 2 weeks of the mastectomy, with cancer still in her arm, she ran away. She left us and we had no idea where she was. We just prayed one day she would call us.
That one day came last week. She went into the hospital in Atlanta, she couldn't breathe. They discovered she had pnuemonia. When they did the chest xrays they discovered the cancer had spread through her lungs. She will not live. On Tuesday she could still speak enough to refuse treatment. Clara is 41 years old. She has had a hard life. An abusive marraige, she loved kids but was unable to have any. She has a sister, a brother and a mom. Only me and her sister really. Her mom and brother may not even go to see her. I don't want her to die alone but i can't afford to go. I have no money. I dont want her to die alone. She doesn't deserve that. Noone does.
If she knew i was sitting here crying she would fuss at me. Drawl all 4 foot 3 of herself up and give ME a hug. She would try to encourage and comfort me!! She was one of those people i always envied, she never complained out loud, always smiling, always helpful, always loved everyone. I am soo ashamed. I have given up on life when there are those who are fighting for life. I have no right to do that. She would not give up on herself on me and I will NOT give up either. For her, I will live a life she would be proud of. I will learn this lesson. Once she got so mad at me she didn't speak to me for months, i had no idea why and when she did again she told me it was because i had so much. I was so blessed and couldn't even see it. She was right. I didn't see it.
I'm not going to pretend i all of a sudden see it. However i do see i cant give up. Even when my heart and mind and body wants to, i will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am so numb with pain right now, but i have joy too for all the good times we had and sadness for all the lessons she tried to teach me that i didn't learn. There are so many people who go through things daily, some we may never know how bad it is because they choose to enjoy what they can out of life. This is going to be a long hard road. It's going to be bumpy but im going to make it. There are so many Clara's out there who see the bigger picture.
I can't spend my life thinking about tomorrow. For some tomorrow never comes. We have to live each day as if there will be no tomorrow. I choose to live today.
Clarabell, i love you and you may never see this but you have taught me so much, I will carry you forever in my heart. I will try to live by your example. God is preparing a special place for you. I'll always carry the time with me in the 3rd grade when i spent the night at your house and when we went to school the next day you told everyone i stole your favorite underwear!! I'll bring them with me when i see you again sweety..
P.S. I know you hate it when i call you Clarabell.