Im tired, Im angry, Im frustrated, Im stressed, Im lonely and Im scared. Sigh.. I'm also isolating and by blogging i'm trying to force myself out of this mode. It doesn't help anything. At the same time though i can't really see a reason for not isolating, but here i am.
I suppose your wondering whats going on. Too much to post but i'll give a brief overview. Last Friday my 17 year old daughter didn't come home, call or anything. I found her safe the next day but if your a parent you understand that does not overshadow the damn 24 hrs of hell you go through in that 1 night. Of course i put her on punishment. Now i get to see me plastered all over her facebook page how she hates me, and her life etc: etc:.. My marraige is falling apart. It's pretty much over after 20 years. He isn't a bad man, Im not abused, or cheated on (at least in the last 12 that i know of), but he's no help to me. I'm essentially raising the kids alone. Yes he also works, but the feelings are pretty much gone on my part. he doesn't spend any time with our son, He doesn't help with the kids or around the house, other than working a job thats not giving him enough hours, add to that child support coming out of said check for a past transgression, add to that he wont answer the phone when they try to call him in for extra hours, add to that when he's not at work he's hanging out with his friends playing video games and smoking weed. I'm tired of adding to that, either you get the picture or you don't. Next problem.. Umm i have 3 checks out 2 of which are going to bounce more than likely today. Umm my phone will probably also get cut off this week. Umm the scale isn't moving and I am Literally busting my ass in the gym, I haven't been posting my workouts lately because im too tired but it's more of the same or more.
I don't seem to eat anything much these days but fruit, i don't know where to turn. I'm scared. I can't even figure out anymore food to stop eatting. Im so tired!! I go to school from 7 am till 3pm.. Then i go straight to the gym where i spend on average 2-3 hours, then even though im exhausted and hurting, I have had 2 knee surgeries and i currently have a torn rotator cuff, (shoulder) that requires surgery. I have to go home and clean up my completely nasty bug infested house with no help. Last week i just slid down the wall in my kitchen to floor and sat there and cried. I'm so tired of crying but i just don't know what else to do. I'm so broken and i just keep pushing foreward but things just seem to keep getting worse for me.
Yes this is a pity party and i am wearing my crown proudly. I just came up from the scale and i haven't lost anything. After everything ive done, deprived myself of even 1 damn cookie, miserable and hungry every day ontop of everything else and i'm still fat!! tearing my body apart, in pain daily and for what?
Because i KNOW there has to be something better out there somewhere right? The weight WILL eventually move, The bills WILL eventually get paid, I'll just have to pull up my big girl panties and make what i have work. I WILL maintain my 4.0 GPA. I WILL NOT just give in. I WILL still eat my single sanwhich and tub of watermelon for lunch in my car today because i REFUSE to lay down and die. I WILL be all i can be and without the aid of uncle sam because, well because there's nothing else to be done.. There is no going back. So all i can do is go foreward and pray that one of these days, when i turn the bend on the road that is my life. I'll see something wonderful at the end that will make all of this worth it.
On that note.. You all have to get out because this pity party is over!!
Enjoy your day and count and number your blessings.