I want to eat.. I want cake.. I want lots of it.. I want to close my eyes and just feel the texture and savor every morsel... I also want to cry.. Holding in crying makes me want cake... Or a doughnut maybe.. Just some carb sugary goodness from somewhere anywhere to make me feel better..
Whats wrong.. sigh.. I don't know. I've been doing really well this week. I even went to the gym yesterday morning and jogged on the treadmill!! I was so proud of me. Thats a goal of mine. Just to be able to run comfortably when you want to. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes while walking, or walking fast, i just want to break out and run.. No apparent reason for this. Just to do it. Since ive had knee surgeries on both my knees and also have arthritis in them, It's not really advised that i do, but i still aspire to. I don't want to run marathons. Just if the urge hits me, break out into a little jog for a while, not to much to ask i think. Before when i did this, i couldn't take more than a few steps because of pain. Yesterday though, my mind and my body wanted to soar, to run, to be free if even for a moment. I hit the button on that treadmill and took it to 5.1. I jogged. I felt free. I felt excited. The feeling lasted for all of 2 minutes and i slowed to a fast walk but then i did it again.. and again..
My foods been good all week. I don't know if i will show a loss or not but thats ok. I'll adjust the amount if need be. Right now the concern is in getting my meals in. Today though, the stress got to me. Dealing with the insurance company and the garage over my car. My fear the car will never be the same. I know minor things maybe but for me they signaled an attack. I had my lunch all planned out, Turkey burger, fruit etc:,, but my throat closed. I didn't want to do anything but sit in my car and cry. I went to my car but all of a sudden i didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to cry. Well my body did but i didn't feel like giving in to the dispair. I was still at school and boy did i want food, junk food. I went into the cafeteria and ordered a double order of hot wings. 6 to an order. I ate about 10 of them, and about 4 cups of watermelon, but the cake was still calling me. The wings were horrible, and i ate them thinking.. man these are nasty.. but everytime i felt a tear and didnt allow it fall i thought man i want a piece of cake soo bad. So instead of getting the cake, I went up to the computer lab to blog. While there, a classmate who saw me go up, came and asked me would i like to go for a walk by the river. I did, we walked and talked for 45 minutes and i felt lot better.
There is a lesson in this day. Previously i would have sat in my car and not eatten a thing, cried and been miserable the rest of the day. Weakened mentally i would have made bad choices the rest of the day. By making the simple choice to not isolate myself at that time, a chain of events ensued that helped me get through it. I still wanted and still want that cake, but i know every single time i make the choice to have or do something else, Thats a victory!! Yes i ate off plan but it wasn't all bad. I had a long walk after and i was able to contain it. I didn't allow it to give me an excuse to say the hell with it and let the head hunger win.
One step at a time, One decision at a time. Head hunger is like a persistant child. It will not go away quickly or easily. Sometimes it wears away at us and makes deals and bargains. Just this one time can't hurt... Don't fall for the lies!! Say no,, again and again if necessary. You can do it, if you stumble it's ok, stand up straight again and keep on going!
You can do it!! I have faith!!