Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Monday, May 10, 2010

A new nightmare....(maybe)

I'm frustrated. No I'm not in meltdown stage my mask is firmly in place and no one but you guys will be able to know how I'm feeling on the inside. I'm frustrated and and feeling all scared and balled up in knots inside today. Today was weigh in Monday and i was afraid to get on the scale but i did it anyway. I know there's no getting away from that so I suck it up and head to the basement. Well I'm up 0.4 lbs. which doesn't seem like much but it still makes me want to cry. I'm trying SO damn hard!! I walked 5 miles on Saturday. I was so proud of myself, i had never done that before. It was hard. O sure i can work weights like a monster, but i usually walk about 2 miles at a stretch and just have all my normal activity. Plus with school the walking had stopped remember? So this was a challenge. I had to split it up, 3 in the morning and another 2 in the evening but i did it. On top of all the other stuff i do. Sigh. It hurts inside though, i can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Of course my mind is screaming you eat too much, your a pig and that's why you can't lose. I'm trying very hard to ignore it but i know my activity level is on the extremely active or above scale so it has to be the food and I'm ashamed to say the voice is winning. I haven't eaten anything yet and I'm not hungry. It's only 8 a.m. but considering i usually have breakfast by 6 I'm already thrown off schedule and every time i say to myself you gotta go eat something, my throat closes up. Sigh..

Subject change sorta. Guess what happened to me this weekend. At about 3 in the morning Sat night, well Sun. morn. I hear a big boom, it's like a bomb went off, so i run outside to see whats happening. A lady ran into my neighbors car which was a car length behind my car. She hit it so hard it sandwiched his car and rammed it under my car!! Sigh if it wasn't for bad luck i wouldn't have any luck at all.
This is my poor Maxima that i struggled for YEARS just to be able to afford and have only had for 3 months!! The trunk doesn't open and my dash is lit up like a Christmas tree. sigh.. but at least it's not my neighbors car.. The one sitting on my bumper.. This is what his car looks like from behind...

Sigh.. The lady that hit the cars is absolutely fine,, She got out of her Honda crv and walked away without a scratch. God truly is amazing. The police estimate she was going between 70-90 mph when she hit our parked cars. She said she fell asleep. She wasn't drunk and really didn't seem hi so i do accept her excuse. (I guess that's what you would call it) Wanna hear something else.. When we finally got to the exchange info part at the end, I discovered this "woman" was younger than my daughter!! She was 16!! Had just recently gotten her license!! So umm why was she speeding through town at 3 in the freaking morning!!! at 16!! alone in a car!! with a Jr license that says your not allowed to drive after 11 p.m. without an adult in the car with you!! I'm just speechless. Well, i need to head to the body shop and then attend a forensic Science symposium for school. That's a whole different stress. I'm a social misfit! I don't know how to mingle with people i don't know!! This is supposed to be a networking event. The only networking I'll probably will do is with a chair in a quiet corner losing myself in the current book I'm reading. Pray for me today guys, Keep me in your hearts and minds, Send comfort and courage my way. I need it!! (Don't worry though guys, despite ALL this, on the outside I'm holding it together!!)


  1. Just be careful that you don't leave yourself hungry for too long as this is what makes your blood sugar levels drop, and then you're more likely to start craving crap. Have something light, just to tide you over, then lose yourself in life. Surround yourself with things you love, people who inspire you, just pure good things that make you forget about food and diet and weight.

    I can't promise that's a solution, but it's what I do, or try to do anyway.

  2. Ouch. Your poor car!! At least everyone is okay. Hopefully this teen - and her parents - will learn responsibility from this. I know I was never allowed out that late at 16! Eek.

    I understand your conflict with the food. I, too, can do all the exercise my body can stand. But, when it comes to food, we have the ultimate love/hate relationship. This is something I am going through in my life right now, too. Good luck to you! We can do this!!!!

  3. Thank you guys for the support, it really helps. I'm trying and i do believe it can be done. I just seem to struggle with DOING it!! I know i can and will though!!