Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

none

It's 4 in the morning and im scared. I woke up stressed over things at about 2:30. I have school in the morning, we're in the lab doing titrations. I went to the gym today and pushed through a workout. well yesterday. My knees ached and i was so tired but i just kept thinkinking to myself, I'm disgusting, I'm tired of bieng the fat girl. They have those huge mirrors in the gym, you know the floor to ceiling ones. So im on the weights side you know, the side with the men. I'm doing bicep curls. 2 sets of 25 with 25lb weights and 2 sets of 20 with 30 lb weights and im watching myself in the mirror. I just kept staring at my hair all over the place, the spare tire around my middle, the sag underneath my arms. My knock knees and big thighs and thinking to myself I could be lifting a million pounds on each arm and it wouldn't make a difference. I'd still be awful. I'll still never be attractive. I'd need major work to just not be gross. I wanted to cry. I hated myself. I felt cheated, why can't i be one of the beautiful people. Why am i so ugly? Losing the fat won't help that. I don't know, I don't care anymore. Instead, i finished my sets and someone talked me into taking a circuit training class. So i wobbled through that. I don't feel like i got a good workout but hat wasn't the classes fault. My heart just wasn't in it.

I came home starving, I ate a piece of steak and 2 slices of bread. Some applesauce and grapes, and a banana, at the time i felt like i was gorging myself, i was still so hungry but i was clueless about what to eat. I went to sleep and woke up starving and with a panic attack over bills. So here i am, alternately crying and starving. The stress makes me feel weak. Like i can't move or function but im sooo hungry. I'm so scared. I don't understand my disfuctionality with food. A part of me knows it's not just about the food, I probably can't gain control of my food until i gain control of my life. Ironically i feel i can't get control of my life till i get control of the food and lose the weight. Im on this awful merry go round and it's going faster and faster. I can't seem to get off. If i try and jump now i feel like i'll die.

Im sorry for such downer blogs but i need to be honest with how im feeling.

Yesterdays food...

Breakfast.. protien shake,, 2 cups watermelon

Lunch.. 2 turkey sandwhiches on wheat, 4 cups of watermelon

snacks.. 2 oranges, banana

Dinner.. steak, 2 slices wheat bread, grapes and applesauce

7 comments:

  1. I have been reading about your struggles, and although I don't comment, I feel you. Our stories are so similar. My heart goes out to you.

    All I know to say is to just keep pushing. That's what I do. Just keep pushing and something has to give. Never give up. Never.

    I am praying for you. Email me anytime you need a friend - I will even give you my phone number if you like to text. I am here for you.

    skinnyhollie at gmail dot com

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  2. And btw... I just gave you a blog award!

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  3. Happened to wonder over here from another blog and thought I would check things out. Like what I see so now I'm following you. Look forward to reading your blog in the future.

    If you get a chance swing by my blog and say hello.

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  4. Trina - you are so worth it. Don't ever, ever think less of yourself. Beauty comes through from within, and every single person is beautiful. You just need to believe that.

    The food fight is hard, but if I can make a comment that you are not eating enough if you are working out really hard.

    Losing a significant amount of weight and keeping it off is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you can do it. Yes you can.

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  5. Sometimes the fight seems so hard but never give up!! It is worth it in the end. Never give up, you will get a lot of support with your blog. Hope things get better for you soon.

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  6. Thank you all so much for the encouragement. It's just so hard when you try and try and try and get nowhere. It's so scary.

    Hollie, i would love to email you, and will as soon as i can. Thank you so much for your blog and your outlook. I know it's helped me, whats a blog award?

    C.F., Thank you for stopping by and commenting, i will definantely stop by your blog. I need insight and enouragement from everywhere!!

    Lori, Thank you for your comments. You've given me a few things to think about and will probably inspire my next blog!!

    well i haven't slept in almost 20 hours so im going to head to bed.

    Thank you all so much, just knowing theres someone out there who understands and cares even a little makes such a huge difference.

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  7. Trina, stopping in to say Hi. A lot of honesty in your post. Being honest with oneself is a positive thing, even when what you say to yourself is negative in nature. But continue that honesty and ask yourself do you know what it will take to get healthy? Reading through some of your posts you seem to, but only you can answer that. Once you have a handle on how, you have to go and do it; and you have been. The results will come, they will! And in times like this when you feel they wont come no matter how hard you work at it, well then I have two thoughts. First be brave and keep working at it no matter how much you want to quit. You don't derserve to quit, not on yourself or on those that are there for you. Second ask yourself where you find inspiration? For me it is in other people who have overcome hard challenges whether it be weight loss, or cancer, or something less life threatening like job loss which in many ways is devestating to ones quality of life and can see a person want to give up hope too. My mother, my father in law and other friends are as far as I have to look to find success stories. If they can do it, then I bet I can too. I bet you can too!
    -Patrick

    p.s... glad I stopped by, I follow along and be back.

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