It's 4 in the morning and im scared. I woke up stressed over things at about 2:30. I have school in the morning, we're in the lab doing titrations. I went to the gym today and pushed through a workout. well yesterday. My knees ached and i was so tired but i just kept thinkinking to myself, I'm disgusting, I'm tired of bieng the fat girl. They have those huge mirrors in the gym, you know the floor to ceiling ones. So im on the weights side you know, the side with the men. I'm doing bicep curls. 2 sets of 25 with 25lb weights and 2 sets of 20 with 30 lb weights and im watching myself in the mirror. I just kept staring at my hair all over the place, the spare tire around my middle, the sag underneath my arms. My knock knees and big thighs and thinking to myself I could be lifting a million pounds on each arm and it wouldn't make a difference. I'd still be awful. I'll still never be attractive. I'd need major work to just not be gross. I wanted to cry. I hated myself. I felt cheated, why can't i be one of the beautiful people. Why am i so ugly? Losing the fat won't help that. I don't know, I don't care anymore. Instead, i finished my sets and someone talked me into taking a circuit training class. So i wobbled through that. I don't feel like i got a good workout but hat wasn't the classes fault. My heart just wasn't in it.
I came home starving, I ate a piece of steak and 2 slices of bread. Some applesauce and grapes, and a banana, at the time i felt like i was gorging myself, i was still so hungry but i was clueless about what to eat. I went to sleep and woke up starving and with a panic attack over bills. So here i am, alternately crying and starving. The stress makes me feel weak. Like i can't move or function but im sooo hungry. I'm so scared. I don't understand my disfuctionality with food. A part of me knows it's not just about the food, I probably can't gain control of my food until i gain control of my life. Ironically i feel i can't get control of my life till i get control of the food and lose the weight. Im on this awful merry go round and it's going faster and faster. I can't seem to get off. If i try and jump now i feel like i'll die.
Im sorry for such downer blogs but i need to be honest with how im feeling.
Breakfast.. protien shake,, 2 cups watermelon
Lunch.. 2 turkey sandwhiches on wheat, 4 cups of watermelon
snacks.. 2 oranges, banana
Dinner.. steak, 2 slices wheat bread, grapes and applesauce