Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the past DOES define who we are....

If we let it!! However it does not define who we will or can become. During my walk today i asked myself the age old question. Why do i want to lose weight. What do i hope to gain from it, and what are my weight loss goals. You would think with a beginning of 385lbs and a loss of 140lbs. I would have those answers by now but i didn't. Largely because i was afraid i just didn't know. I just "wanted to be smaller" was the idea. O i could spout off. To get healthier, but well, technically i am, I was type 2 diabetes and now im not. How about, to fit into a roller coaster seat and ride with my children. Well to my astonishment and discomfort. I did that last year. Ummmmm how about so i don't have to shop online and buy too expensive ugly grandma clothes!! Did that too. Ok so by all intents and purposes i have a achieved the goal of "just bieng smaller" so why do i continue to try to lose weight?

Next question; Why have i not set a goal. That ones simple. Fear!! With no goal, theres no failure and lets face it, isn't that the biggest and most uncomfortable fear of all??

What do i hope to gain from it?? Ahhhhhh now HERE is the meat of the questions. As i walked and pondered these questions, this one kept resurfacing. Some people say, I don't understand why therapists always want to go into your past. How is that going to help. Well its simple. A person with no past is always lost. Our ENTIRE lives is what defines us. Its defines the way we see things, the way we react to situations and how we behave. We LEARN. Much like babies. Bad relationships, good relationships etc: I will use me as an example.

My mom had me when she was 16, She moved out when she was 19, and then had another baby. By the time i was 7 i was babysitting overnight for my 2 baby brothers, I was never allowed outside to play so i started reading books. I have no sisters or female cousins in my age range. All i did was read and babysit, pretty much my whole life. I became bookish, had panick attacks in the third grade and never had a real friend because i was never allowed outside, and if i did i had to tow around 2 baby brothers, each 3 yrs apart. When something happened, it was my fault. When i tried to surprise her at 10 by letting one of her friends help me clean the house for when she came home from work they stole some things, it was my fault. Everything became my fault. The reason she couldn't keep a man, If my brothers did something wrong, I got beat for it. All i ever wanted was acceptance and a mom. I can't recount all the times i tried so hard to gain acceptance from her. I can remember stealing candy and risking beatings from an extension cord belt she made by braiding 3 extension cords together. So i could take it to school and GIVE it away to the other kids because i thought this would make them like me. hang out with me. I was always a part of the "in" crowd but never an emotional part. I didn't have any "real" social skills. hell by the time i was 15 most of my baby brothers friends thought i was his mom. He even at one point started calling me mommy and asking me instead of her for things!! I still had panick attacks and tried to kill myself at 16 by taking a bottle of tylenol. I thought noone will notice i'm gone, I was so lonely and miserable. When falling asleep from the tylenol, i realized it was true. Noone in my house ever spoke to me or noticed me unless they needed something. it was usual for me to spend days in my room reading. I realized this was it i could die, and at the same time i realized i didn't want to die, and so i went and told her what i'd done. When they released me from the hospital they recommended therapy for US. She said we didn't need therapy and refused to go.

Fast foreward 30 years. Im still bookish, uncomfortable around people. Driven to do everything perfect so theres nothing left to be "my fault". Feeling pain and hurt at not bieng included in things i don't even like to do with people i have NOTHING in common with. I usually refuse or have trouble accepting help from anyone because i never want to be in a position where someone can come to me and say "i did this for you". I want to run away from my family because im so sick of caring for people. I'm burned out. At 40.

Now i'm not looking for pity, or sympathy or woe is me crap. Nor am i looking to place blame. This is NOT about blame. it's about accepting WHO you are for WHAT you are, and to do that you need an accurate grasp on WHO you are. It's about seeing what it is you do, and why you do it, so you can change it. You can't change something you refuse to acknowledge or see. It's about going into the water dirty and emerging reborn and clean.

Through all this i realized that I was secretly thinking if i lost enough weight, I would fit in, People would like me and include me and love me. As painful as it is, I see now, losing all the weight in the world won't give me that. I set out on a losing battle from the door. I need to learn to like me, include me, and love me all by myself, and maybe then i will actually begin to see and allow the people inside who are out there that also want that for me.

My weight loss goal is 180lbs.

Trina~

this is one of the hardest things ive ever done...

6 comments:

  1. Trina, I love it - the past DOES define who we are… If we let it!! However it does not define who we will or can become.
    Excellent opening to a great post. That first sentence says a lot though doesn’t it? And your reflection on your life, where you've been, and how it has defined who you are is not only insightful but also provides the perspective, the motivation, to become whoever it is you want to be tomorrow. Yes, we must acknowledge our part, never forget our history, while at the same time believing we control the future chapters yet to be written.

    Awesome you have set a goal; 180 lbs.
    Mine is 199 lbs.

    Looking forward to celebrating each of those victories.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post Trina. You know you've never told me some of this in all these years. It does make me understand more about you and myself. I know for me it's similar but in an opposite way with me being the youngest and neglected so I too always felt to blame and felt alone. I do think it's what causes us the social issues. I really think though we are aware and that is the biggest thing. I think with awareness we can over come anything. I do hope we get a weekend together soon I think we both really NEED it. *hugs and love my friend*

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was a beautiful, touching and very intimate blog. Thank you for letting us in -- and thank yourself for reaching this point in life that you can reflect on your past, learn from it and grow.

    You are an inspiration.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You did it, Trina! You set that goal, and I am so proud of you!

    If you only knew the things I have done in my life to try to fit in... Even now, I struggle with longing to be loved. I know my kids loved me, but sometimes you want that "other" kind of love, ya know?

    And I always blame it on my weight... But I also use my weight as a shield at the same time.

    Please know I am thinking about you, and hoping that we can both just pull through this tough time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are absolutely right, it really does define who we are. This is really a great post, and I am so glad that I stumbled across your blog.

    You just got yourself a new follower.


    The Fit & Frugal Challenge

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very good post, so glad I found you! I wish you all the best success! You deserve it!

    ReplyDelete