If we let it!! However it does not define who we will or can become. During my walk today i asked myself the age old question. Why do i want to lose weight. What do i hope to gain from it, and what are my weight loss goals. You would think with a beginning of 385lbs and a loss of 140lbs. I would have those answers by now but i didn't. Largely because i was afraid i just didn't know. I just "wanted to be smaller" was the idea. O i could spout off. To get healthier, but well, technically i am, I was type 2 diabetes and now im not. How about, to fit into a roller coaster seat and ride with my children. Well to my astonishment and discomfort. I did that last year. Ummmmm how about so i don't have to shop online and buy too expensive ugly grandma clothes!! Did that too. Ok so by all intents and purposes i have a achieved the goal of "just bieng smaller" so why do i continue to try to lose weight?
Next question; Why have i not set a goal. That ones simple. Fear!! With no goal, theres no failure and lets face it, isn't that the biggest and most uncomfortable fear of all??
What do i hope to gain from it?? Ahhhhhh now HERE is the meat of the questions. As i walked and pondered these questions, this one kept resurfacing. Some people say, I don't understand why therapists always want to go into your past. How is that going to help. Well its simple. A person with no past is always lost. Our ENTIRE lives is what defines us. Its defines the way we see things, the way we react to situations and how we behave. We LEARN. Much like babies. Bad relationships, good relationships etc: I will use me as an example.
My mom had me when she was 16, She moved out when she was 19, and then had another baby. By the time i was 7 i was babysitting overnight for my 2 baby brothers, I was never allowed outside to play so i started reading books. I have no sisters or female cousins in my age range. All i did was read and babysit, pretty much my whole life. I became bookish, had panick attacks in the third grade and never had a real friend because i was never allowed outside, and if i did i had to tow around 2 baby brothers, each 3 yrs apart. When something happened, it was my fault. When i tried to surprise her at 10 by letting one of her friends help me clean the house for when she came home from work they stole some things, it was my fault. Everything became my fault. The reason she couldn't keep a man, If my brothers did something wrong, I got beat for it. All i ever wanted was acceptance and a mom. I can't recount all the times i tried so hard to gain acceptance from her. I can remember stealing candy and risking beatings from an extension cord belt she made by braiding 3 extension cords together. So i could take it to school and GIVE it away to the other kids because i thought this would make them like me. hang out with me. I was always a part of the "in" crowd but never an emotional part. I didn't have any "real" social skills. hell by the time i was 15 most of my baby brothers friends thought i was his mom. He even at one point started calling me mommy and asking me instead of her for things!! I still had panick attacks and tried to kill myself at 16 by taking a bottle of tylenol. I thought noone will notice i'm gone, I was so lonely and miserable. When falling asleep from the tylenol, i realized it was true. Noone in my house ever spoke to me or noticed me unless they needed something. it was usual for me to spend days in my room reading. I realized this was it i could die, and at the same time i realized i didn't want to die, and so i went and told her what i'd done. When they released me from the hospital they recommended therapy for US. She said we didn't need therapy and refused to go.
Fast foreward 30 years. Im still bookish, uncomfortable around people. Driven to do everything perfect so theres nothing left to be "my fault". Feeling pain and hurt at not bieng included in things i don't even like to do with people i have NOTHING in common with. I usually refuse or have trouble accepting help from anyone because i never want to be in a position where someone can come to me and say "i did this for you". I want to run away from my family because im so sick of caring for people. I'm burned out. At 40.
Now i'm not looking for pity, or sympathy or woe is me crap. Nor am i looking to place blame. This is NOT about blame. it's about accepting WHO you are for WHAT you are, and to do that you need an accurate grasp on WHO you are. It's about seeing what it is you do, and why you do it, so you can change it. You can't change something you refuse to acknowledge or see. It's about going into the water dirty and emerging reborn and clean.
Through all this i realized that I was secretly thinking if i lost enough weight, I would fit in, People would like me and include me and love me. As painful as it is, I see now, losing all the weight in the world won't give me that. I set out on a losing battle from the door. I need to learn to like me, include me, and love me all by myself, and maybe then i will actually begin to see and allow the people inside who are out there that also want that for me.
My weight loss goal is 180lbs.
this is one of the hardest things ive ever done...