Today is a new day in many senses of the word. I got up this morning with a headache, you know the kind where your not sure you slept too much or not enough. I was plagued by dreams last night. I dreamed i got an email saying i had breast cancer and uterine cancer and i had only a few months to lose the rest of the weight i wanted to lose before i died. I wasn't sure what the message in that dream was about. Surprisingly i didn't wake up terrified or in a cold sweat or anything. I wonder if maybe it was fear because last night, I decided today was the day i get my butt in gear. Today is the first day in my new battle.
I took a moment to think about what helped me the most when i was losing.
1) I was walking almost every morning. Yes i was tired but it gave me time to spend for reflection, relaxation and it was the time i felt closest to God. Where i gave him my fears and problems and praised him and spent time with him. I stopped walking because it became to hard to fit it in since i leave for school at 7 and already get up at 5. I realize now though that after those walks, my day went better, i was able to deal with things better.
2)Eatting, I was diabetic so i had cut out ALL sugar. When it was a question of my life, i did it unthinkingly and after a while i didn't miss it much. I was able to turn it down easier because i equated it with needles in the stomach. I also ate according to a plan. I carried a lunch EVERYWHERE! To picnics, to parties, even if going out for a quick stop or to friends house for a couple hours "just in case". I ate something every few hours, I got ALL of my sugar from fruits. Once i started school, and dropped weight and am now no longer considered diabetic i started having a cookie here or there, a piece of chocolate etc: Of course you see where this is headed.
3)I didn't deprive myself of anything, If i wanted a cookie i got one, i just TOOK THE TIME to find a sugar free one, or a healthier version that i loved just as much. If i had to have those mashed potatoes, i would eat half, I began to realize it is OK to not belong to the clean plate club. That food doesn't have to be my enemy. That maybe some things just aren't worth the price. I get to choose what price i want to pay for what items and that covers everything from purses and shoes to food! I also didn't beat myself up. I just had to learn moderation. For instance, i can't have a large bag of sunchips in my home, I realize even though they may be a healthier choice of a chip, i have no control and will eat the whole bag. That is not healthy. Instead, when i want sunchips and just have to have them, i go and buy the 99 cent bag. Yes the whole thing is probably more than 1 serving, however it's not as many as eatting a whole giant bag and invariably i don't eat them as much because out of sight out of mind. When i buy granola bars i keep them in my trunk. When i want 1 it's usually inconvienient to get it lol. I transfer 1 a day to my armrest and that keeps me accountable, and keeps me from inhaling the whole box.
4) Exercise.. I began to enjoy exercise because it energized me and made me feel good after. I enjoyed the people at the gym, I took pride in bieng able to do the things i was able to that i never thought i could. Then I allowed failing knee's and shoulders and feet bring me down and rob me of that joy. I stopped focusing on what i could do and began to focus on what i wanted to do but couldn't. I realize now that everyone can't be Arnold Swartzenegger (sp. lol). Who am i trying to impress?? I'm so competitive!! I even get on my teachers nerves lol. really though....
I know that the feeling of bieng out of control will happen again and again. I also know the key to regaining control is having a strong foundation and a good perspective on things. Knowing what works for yourself is the key. Taking the time to get to know yourself is half the battle and that's what this blog is about for me. Yesterday when i blogged and posted my pictures, I realized i STILL feel like that first picture. The lady smiling at you from the bottom is not me. I looked and looked at that picture and said to myself. I wish i really was as pretty as her. I know that seems crazy because it is me. However it's not the me that i see when i look in the mirror, and until i face those demons and learn what it is that keeps me seperate from her. I can't end this war within myself. This need for acceptance and validation but fellow bloggers. I am well on my way.
Like im fond of saying. It aint gonna be a pretty ride.. but it's too late to get off now!!