I just needed to take a moment to thank you guys. Before i went to bed last night i browsed blogs and did everything i normally do for a few moments, but i avoided my blog. The reason i did that was because i was afraid to reread it. I was afraid of the pain i know is in me. None of those things is new, I mean really, they were my life, but when you keep it inside, you can iggnore it, forget it, Not think about it. When it is laid in fron of you, you have no choice but remember, and of course it hurts. I believe it's a healing hurt though. It's a process of properly "mourning" the past so that i can go on. I was surprised at how many comments i had. I think i felt that writing that blog made me a misfit. Ive shared to much. Made them uncomfortable. Hell i made ME uncomfortable, but isnt that what this is about? getting out of that "comfort" zone that has allowed us to hide for so long?
My childhood made made me who i am. I realize now, i will forever be "bookish". I will forever prefer the company of myself or a single person. I will forever be mentally older than those who are my age. I will forever be the fixer. I really LOVE to do those things. The thing i need to realize is. That is ok!! Once i accept that. Truly accept that, that is who i am, and it's ok. I will be much happier. None of the things i am are bad things. I think somewhere along the line i fell into this idea that life had to fit a "mold". That i began to feel things were so bad for me and i wanted those "book" moms and "tv" moms lives so bad that i lost focus of reality.
I don't know what expectations i had of blogging or if i had any. I do know though that by writing and reading, it has helped me a great deal. I LOVE reading your blogs because it gives me perspective. It makes me ask myself the tough questions. It shows me that wow. There is someone else there who knows, who understands, who can relate. I cannot Thank You guys enough. I get so much from you. I think even though we don't always say it. We get so much from each other. Sometimes i read and the blogs are so inspirational and upbeat all the time and i think. Wow why can't that be me. However at the same time, it gives me the sense that well, he or she is accomplishing it, maybe i can too. The support is awesome and it encourages and helps people. Sometimes it's that one comment that may help someone who's having a tough time make it through the day. I don't have to tell you how good it feels to get that "supportive" hug. Thats all most of us need and for me, your comments are hugs, they say no matter what you think of yourself. We see the person you are peeking out. Sometimes we lose focus of who we are and need someone else to point that person out.
Sometimes the blogs are sad and so filled with pain i just wished i knew where they lived so i could hug them and tell them it was ok.. (although that would probably end up with me blogging from a jail cell lol). I just know there are so many of us in this boat and in this journey, and to any who are silently watching and reading, not knowing what to do, afraid. You are not alone. I feel you, I hear you, I know you, I am you and i thank you for your silent support. I thank you for taking the steps to be here and beginning the process of your healing.
I challenge you all. Wether you share it or not. Think about why you want to lose weight or why your disfunctional with food. Not the cosmetic, like i just wanna be smaller, healthier, etc: Im sure thats part of it, but when your by yourself, examine what it is you REALLY hope will happen when you lose it. What does it signify to you.
Thank you all sooo sooo much. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to know there's someone out there who hears my cries. I am not alone, and i can do this!!
Well it's time for my walk and talk with my heart. I wonder what goodies todays walk will be. My focus is going to be on rewarding myself.
Talk to you soon