I'm really exhausted today lately ive been up until 11.. then during sleep, i"m tossing n turning.. then back up at 5 in the morning. I should be asleep now, but i didn't want to much time to go by without checking in with you guys. Truth is, even though ive been busy over these few days, I've had a LOT on my mind. I've been wandering by almost in a fog if you will. Trying to figure out how to re-invent me. Now you might say, why should you want to. Well the answer is simple, because i need to. It's so weird I've had all these thoughts swirling in my mind for a couple days now, yet I find myself sitting here unable to put exactly into words what im thinking.
I know that everyone, well most people seem to have adversity in thier life. I think i'm finally seeing that the difference in the outcome is usually in HOW you handle the situation. For the longest time, ive been the fall apart and cry, or run and hide, type of person. In my head afterwards, i always seem to wish i had said or done something different. I always felt powerless to do so though. I remember once many years ago, i had a male that i considered a friend. We were in the lunchline and i was doing what i normally do, Just playing with him and poking him etc: He turned around and slapped me across my face. I didn't cry but i was stunned. I did nothing and neither did anyone else and i was ashamed. I remember going home and getting in the bed and closing my eyes and dreaming up all these scenarios. Like my brothers coming up to beat him up. Like me punching him in the eye, Like someone coming to my rescue. That scenario has followed me. Whenever there's adversity i go into my own little private world and dream up responses. problem is, those dream responses only work IN the dream, so nothing happens.
Where is this going you ask.. (honestly i wasn't sure myself for a minute), It's going to point out this. I realize there were 2 sets of thinking there. His action, which freed him from whatever he was feeling, and my reaction, which did nothing but sit inside me for over 20 years as you can see. Im sure if i ran into him today, he would not recall that incident, or at least not without thought or seeing my face to trigger it. Now im not condoning violence. The point i'm trying to make is this, Holding it in and stewing over it makes it worse. I never saw that before but i spend so much time bieng miserable that it saps my strength. It takes all my joy. It hampers me and immobilizes me. It causes depression and anxiety. I'm realizing now that if i at least TRY, I won't feel so miserable and ashamed. It will force me to be a part of this world. To take my rightful place among the living! I won't speand so much time going, "i wish i had".
This week has been an effort for me because I'm DETERMINED to turn that around. I didn't want to go to the gym, but I've been there everyday this week. Despite shut off notices, a car that wasn't done properly, a girlfriend on her death bed, overdrawn bank accounts, an incompetant lab partner and thoughts of quitting school, and guess what; AMAZING things happened to me. I didn't go get in my car and cry alone, I did however try to sit alone in the cafeteria and people came and sat with me. There i was crying in my cheerios, literally.. and they said, i'm not letting you sit alone. i admit, I was annoyed and thinking. god i wish they'd go away, but the part of me that was struggling to NOT sit in my car was glad i was not alone. I explained to my director why i was thinking of quitting school (something i normally wouldn't have shared) and they refused to let me go!! They helped me pay the overdraft and termination notice! The shop did a shoddy job on my car and even though my knees were shaking and im still nervous about the whole thing. I stood my ground and insisted they do it right or i wasn't paying!! I was almost physically sick after that confrontation, and i had thoughts of, o no!! theyre gonna do something bad to my car and i shouldn't have done that, but my friend said, No you've become a squeaky wheel and they're going to do the best job they can so they can get the check and get rid of you. they know now if somethings wrong, your going to be a pain in thier ass lol. I hope he's right!
Thing is, Even though I still felt scared, and overwhelmed, I kept on pushing. I felt like a zombie, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go to the gym, i was tired and my knees ached, But i fought myself every step of the way!! Today when i stepped off the treadmill my the thought in my brain was. I did it!! It's going to take a long time before i can declare myself victorious, but I'm doing it. I'm walking the line. In all this, my eatting has been pretty good. I won't lie, i had a lapse and accidently fell into a bucket of 10 cent wings and accidently inhaled some on the way up lol. That's ok though. it was a choice i made and i didn't and wont beat myself up over it. I'm going to keep on trying to move on!! Baby Steps!!
I want to thank everyone so much. You guys really make me think and are so supportive and its helps me so much. I really am feeling like im not invisible anymore, and i think i like that feeling!!