Ok you know how sometimes you wish for things, but when you get them, they're not exactly how you pictured them or wished for them??
Sigh.. Ok remember last blog i was all excited about my new outlook on the world. Well I'm still hanging in there. I'm grinning and gritting my teeth and bearing it.
I had this weekend all planned out. The car shop told me my car would be ready on Thursday. I was nervous and praying everything went ok. It did. I was pleased with the job they did. Oddly i was still very nervous about the idea of what they thought about me. I just can't seem to shake that wanting to be liked by everyone feeling you know. So anyways, My weekend plan is to go and hang out and spend time with my longtime friend, Dawn. (wow i hope that link thingy works, I'm becoming a blogger extraordinaire!) anyways, I've been wanting to have time to do this for years but for one reason or another never did. This time i said. I'm doing it. Me and Von are gonna get in the car, Ala Thelma and Louise. (without the cliff ending!) and go have a wonderful relaxing weekend! This was going to kick off my "giving up the stress" movement.
So I had a plan. Yes I'm a list/planner person.Thursday at lunch i was gonna pick up car at lunchtime, i was going to go to store after school, hit library for books on CD. GREAT way to pass long trips!! Books on CD are not just for kids!! Wash clothes, pack up, and rest, so on Friday i could go to school, leave directly from school to doctors, pick up Von and hit the highway!! WRONG!!
First on Thursday I woke up with a splitting headache, throughout the day, i had a few instances of vertigo. No biggie, i assumed it was from the stubborn headache. Things went according to stressful plan until i hit Walmart. I was so tired and i didn't feel so well. Couple that with it was hot, and my car has leather seats, a leather steering wheel and NO air conditioning!! I decided to just go to walmart and then drop my girlfriend off, go home and rest a little. Well while at walmart all of a sudden, the right side of my face went numb. I had an inside panic attack. I calmly removed my earpiece, felt my face, went through the "stroke" check list in my head. No loss of motion, check. I quickly checked out and asked my girlfriend to look at my face and was i speaking OK. My speech was clear, I was able to smile,check.. but this pesky numbness bothered me. I decided to go to the emergency room just to be on the safe side. Then go home and rest.
It's Friday night and I'm still in the hospital!! They wanted to check me for a T.I.A. or mini stroke. I have been prodded and poked and scanned and you name it. Soon after i got placed in my room, my best friends sister called me and told me, probably about the time i had the 'walmart" numbness episode. My dear friend had passed away. I was heartened she told me she was there and her brother actually came and was there too. She's in a better place now i know. She didn't die alone. I didn't want that for her, so I'm glad they could be with her. I will miss her dearly and i think i still need to really mourn her properly but given my current condition, I'm not dealing with those feelings just yet.
All of this has been a tremendous source of stress, but I'm refusing to give in to it!!. I'm still planning the moment i get sprung from here going on my trip!. I'm making lists, fighting boredom and head hunger. That is the worst when your bored. I'm also forcing myself to get rest. I even considered asking them do they have a gym!! My blood work is "OK" my good cholesterol is way low. There's no medication for correcting that, The only way to increase it is supposed to be diet and exercise!! Are you kidding me!! My exercise regimen is crazy and my eating, with a few exceptions is pretty damn good.
Ive also been seen by neurologists in case its migraine related. I'm very disappointed as i could have been released today except Ive been waiting to have the MRI done since 11 this morning and it never happened. They claim I'm first on their list in the morning. So my plan is still to hit the road as soon as i leave here. I'm not giving up; this weekend is going to happen!! Whenever i get scared i just think of that. My nurse came in and asked had my Doppler been discussed with me. I said no. (Doppler is where they took ultrasound pics of the arteries that run up both sides of our neck that supply blood and oxygen to our brain) She said it looks "OK". then goes on to say "not great" but OK. W.T.H. is that??!! I went into mini panic mode. I mean who wants to hear "not great" when talking about that!! What does not great mean!! wooooo saaaaa.... (deep breaths) boy this is gonna be a good trip....
This experience has been a lesson in learning me. As little as last week, i would have been going crazy, been depressed, crying, a blubbering mess. probably making things worse. I won't lie, it's hard, it's calling me, wanting to think negative and give up. I would have been thinking why is it always me. I'm never going to be happy. What did i do that i deserved all these bad things to happen always to me.
Well. You know what. It IS always me, and it's going to continue to be always me, as long as i allow it!! It's all in how you look at it and I'm tired of my previous view, so I'm adjusting the viewfinder.
I'm getting the rest i need, whether i want it or not. I'm getting the best care so if there IS something wrong, it can be caught and taken care of!! I will be fresh for that 6 hour drive!! I get to make 50 million lists so i can carry 3 months worth of things on a 2 day weekend lol. I am learning a new way to look at mi vida loca!! (my crazy life)
P.S. did i tell you i almost got caught in a fight with a neighbors daughter on Wednesday night who's mom came out onto the porch stark, butterball, naked... On a very busy street!! Hmmm I'll have to share that tale with you guys another time!! sorry for rambling post.. I was bored lol.