Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Brighter days...

I'm sooo tired but it's been a few days and you guys have been on my mind and so im determined to get this in!! It's been pretty crazy for me these past couple days. My family reunion's this weekend, of course i'm trying to deal with my "new plan" for food, working out and school. Allen you made me laugh so hard at your comment on my last blog. I KNOW im exasperating lol. I could almost see you shaking your head, Those who know me well all have that look and sigh.

So far things are going well. I downloaded the sparkpeople app on my phone to track my food and i must say it has been a HUGE help!! I can do it everytime i get a minute and it's really helping me to get in enough food. Well honestly, i'm not sure how much food is enough food with my workout regimine but for right now, i'm going to tackle one thing at a time. I'm getting in between 1500 and 1800 calories a day and it calculates the corresponding carbs, protien,and fat for within that range. I had been previously told by someone i was eatting to many carbs, ironically according to the food pyramid and this app, i'm consistantly too low in carbs. go figure..

anywho, I slowed down on the workouts, sorta, I was doing about 5 hours a day 4 days a week plus random stuff when i felt like it in addition. I am now doing about 2-3 hours, 4 sometimes 5 days a week. Now that is an improvement for me, I feel a little more rested, (been sleeping every chance i get), That extra 2 hours has taken away some of that "rush, rush" feeling i always had, so my workouts have a more relaxed and energized feel to them. I really like the boxing, it's such good cardio, even the shadow boxing.

I tried zumba too for the first time on thursday and a new spin class. The zumba was HILARIOUS!! I was wiggling and rolling all sorts of body parts were doing thier own thing. It was so much fun. I am sooo doing that again!! I'm pigeon toed and knock kneed,, that does not make for a pretty picture but it was certainly interesting!! The same instructor is also offering a spin class which she demo'd. I liked that too, it was different than the spinning im used to. She had us doing exercises while spinning and you really felt it. All in all i was pleased.

The family reunion was interesting for me. Noone knew who i was. people just kept walking past me and i had to like literally wait for the "light bulb" to go off over thier head as they recognized me. It was a weird feeling. When i finally got over bieng annoyed and wondering why noone was speaking to me and realized they just didnt recgonize me. I actually kind of enjoyed it.

well i could go on and on but im exhausted and sleepy, i want to read a few blogs too before i fall asleep. I have no idea how to calculate my food for the day. I worked out before so i should be ok but i had like a half a humburger, a half a cookie, a few greens, a spoonful of greenbeans.. It really was just a tasting for me. how do i track that for the day lol!! I don't think i did bad though. Food wasn't that great thats why i didn't finish anything, i was searching for edible fare!!

In regards to picnics and reunions and things like that, Are you calorie counting? If so, how do you keep track of calories and what your eatting there?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

DAY 7.... New plan number 5000 and 1

Today began the same as usual. I got up and got ready for school. I didn’t mention this yesterday but I had decided to go on a 3 day fruit cleanse thingy someone told me about. So I had a ½ cup of grapes for breakfast, really that’s all I wanted. Lately I just haven’t been hungry. It becomes so easy to just not eat. The longer you go, the easier it gets, it isn’t until you actually eat something that the hunger kicks in. It’s occurred to me that not eating is a way for me to avoid the fact that I just don’t have a clue when it comes to food.

School was going ok, I find I’m tired and a little more emotional lately, but I’m coping. We had a speaker today from one of the companies that offers internships. It was very informative. I must admit I’m afraid to get out there and do this. I’ve been called standoffish and mean and defensive and those things really hurt because I’m not. The sad thing is, most times I’m just lost in thought, or tired, or down. I can’t help what my face looks like; I just don’t understand what to do. If you ever want to play poker, I am not your girl. My face usually tells it all. I’m tired of fighting that losing battle too.

I told a few classmates about my fruit idea and to say they were appalled would be an understatement. They insisted I eat and pointed out I needed nutrition as much as I work out and that maybe I need to slow down. Nothing I haven’t heard before 1000 times and already know. This time though, I’m tired of doing what I’ve been doing and getting no results so I decided to give something new a try. I went to sparkpeople.com and lo and behold they had an app for my android phone!! I programmed that I wanted to eat between 1500 and 1800 calories. Then I began adding my food. I went to subway because by 3 p.m. all I had in me was 1 cup grapes, an apple and a banana, I was nowhere near my low point of 1500. Even with the subway turkey (roll scooped out) and bag of sun chips, I was under 1500 calories.

Normally I would have called that more than enough food and called it a day, but I felt I needed to hit my range of at least 1500 if nothing else. I also watched my carbs, protein and fat. I think this may be what I need to get me eating consistently. I really believe if I can continue to do this it will help me with my food. Now if only I was sure this is where I need to be calorie wise.

In light of this “new plan” of moderation. I skipped my step class today and I was supposed to run 2 miles around the track,, run up and down bleachers 3 times and up and down a huge hill 3 times. I told myself I did plenty yesterday and 1 day off wasn’t going to kill me. So I stayed in, and cleaned like a mad woman, now my house to me feels like I’m only a few steps from making the reality show hoarders, but I managed to clean off my dresser, wash and put away a few loads of clothes, took things to the good will, and did a host of other things. Honestly I think I was trying to fill the void that’s usually filled by exercising and to push away the guilt. It worked until now when I got in the bed, I must admit I’m feeling terrified and panicky about the whole not working out today thing, but I’m determined to fight through it and slow down. This new battle is going to be a tough one for me. I’m going to create a new “plan for the week” and stick to it.

Wish me luck.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 6.. Where does it come from?

Where does my strength come from? I have no idea. I must be a glutton for pain and punishment! I woke up today with a migraine. I decided to skip school and try to relax. Within an hour i was fidgeting and by 9 a.m. I was up getting ready for school. I was late, still had a headache, but i was there! I was very tired and down today. I got my grades, I went from a 4.0 to a 3.93. Not very happy about that, I actually shed some tears, more so because i lost points for bieng, and i quote, standoffish and needing to improve my attitude. I really do not understand that. Why does the fact that i prefer to stay to myself and don't smile all the time mean i have a bad atitude? I wasn't aware there was a law that said i had to mingle. I can't help the face God gave me. I don't know, whatever.

After school i worked out, i was tired and my arms and thighs hurt, but i figured to just push through. I did chest press w/ 25 lb dumbells, 3 sets of 20,, then 20 minutes on eliptical, then upper back machine (name skips my mind), 3 sets of 20 w/ 60 lbs, then bicep curls, 3 sets of 20, 20lbs. then skull crushers (lay on back with curl bar extended from chest, bring bar down to touch forehead then back up again) 25 bar only (bar is 30lbs) 20 w/ 2.5 wts added, then 15 w/5 lb wts added, then i did upright rows, 2 sets of 15 using curl bar.. Then i went to the catherdral of learning and went up the stairwell TWICE this time, I took my time, no stopping or faltering or holding onto the rail at all!! i walked up 72 flights of steps!! YAY me!! I am sooo proud of that!!

next we went up to the track, I went around twice, i tried to jog but i couldn't, my knees were pretty much done by then. So i walked. Then we went to swing set and i did these full body things. You stand at pole, grasp it with 2 hands, sit down, lay out flat, then grasp pole again and pull yourself upright. did 30 of those,, then 50 double leg lifts, then 100 bicycles, then standing push ups, where you start from standing drop down, open legs wide then pull then in and stand again 15 of those, o yeah then 55 side lunges and 15 mountain climbers.. hmm this seems like a lot more when i write it down than when i do it. When im exercising generally whats going through my mind is,, thats not enough, the weights never going to come off. I'm a slacker.

My food sucked today, pretty much all day i had 2 1/2 muffins, 2 cans of tuna, 2 apples, a banana and maybe 10 grapes. I also had 4 slices of wheat bread total. This is a day in my life lol.. well sometimes the food is better. I feel pretty ok though all things considered, just a little tired, so im going to call it a night. I think tomorrow i'm going to slow down on the workout.

Day 5.. Fitting in everything, everywhere...

Today was an interesting day for me. I woke up lonely. I can't really explain it. I didn't want to get up but at the same time I knew i needed to; so i got up, got the boys up. I let my nephew spend the night. I didn't feel like eatting breakfast because I was just so down but I made myself at least have a protien shake. I felt bad about it. My protien shake is just powder and water and about only 94 calories. I intended to get up and have eggs and toast but I dunno, the feelings were kind of overwhelming. I went to church, we had an early service. The new choir was singing. I felt sad about that, I've always loved the church choir and I used to belong but with school, and my obsession with working out,I just don't have the time. A small part of it is also that I don't feel good enough, I always compare myself to others in every way. It's not so much that i'm jealous of them, more so I'm ashamed of me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I always feel so HUGE next to everyone else. I'm nowhere near as big as I was but I still FEEL like that inside. It transfers to everything. I feel inadequate in everything. My singing, my confidence level, my household. It's like the world is covered in vaseline and i can't get a grip.

I made it through church and I came home to blog, but what happened was I found myself reading blogs first. I wanted to check in on a few and I stopped by Sean's blog. He is a blogger I stumbled across and have been watching for sometime. His blog is big and popular and I must admit i'm always intimidated by it. I never comment mostly because I figure with so many followers, my little old comment would be invisible. again, I know it's my own personal issue and i'm working on it. I always find what he has to say soo inspirational though. Today he talked about bieng 13 pounds from his goal. It brought something out of me. I've become so lost on this journey. I did something very out of the ordinary for me. I emailed him and asked for help. I sat at my desk in the middle of the afternoon and I talked to a perfect stranger about my feelings of bieng lost when it comes to this "counting calorie" thing. I had tears streaming down my face, my nose was stuffed and I was a blubbering mess. I felt kind of mortified afterwards. Pathetic even. I dunno why, I just feel like I always need to be strong I guess.

So after that I hit the church picnic. I spoke to a few people but i'm generally antisocial. I know your thinking, didn't you say you were lonely. Yes but for some stupid reason bieng lonely makes me crave alone time even more. I become melancholy. Plus I've always been distant. I don't mingle well, or do small talk well. basically I don't fit in and I'm painfully aware of it which makes it worse. I ate terribly!! I had, a spoonful of mac and cheese, some rigatoni, about 2 tblespns, baked beans, twice! 2 beef hot dogs, 2 and half peanut butter cookies, 2 pieces of zuchini pound cake, 4 wedges of watermelon, some grapes, (bout 12) and a brownie!! Afterwards I put in my headphones, wrapped my hands and went walking and did some shadow boxing. I don't know how many calories I burned but I was sweating a LOT!! People looked at me strangely for working out at a church picnic but we were at a park!! I was bored and lonely and i knew after eatting what I had I couldn't just go home and go to bed. Plus its so very cleansing for me. It gives me pride and focus. Working out helps me work through and release some of my pain. Also part of my isolating is a cry for help I think too. I would love someone to come over and talk to me, to want to spend time with me. To interupt me, but they never do. I think that hurts a little too but I usually push that feeling way down.

Afterwards, I said my goodbyes and came home. I had a migraine so i turned off all the lights and fell asleep. I awoke with a sense of I NEED to get grip on this food situation. So i'm online looking for ideas and help. I found a 7 day free trial for ediets so I guess I'm going to begin there.

Today although it seems on the surface to have not been a good day, was actually ok though. I got out and enjoyed the sun. I had an enjoyable workout. I'm making progress on my footwork I think lol. I also like to think i'm getting better at bieng social just by getting out there. It's a process, 2 days in a row out in the company of a group of people. I survived! I also had time to just let my feelings flow. I needed to make room for the coming week!!

Time for me to rest and relax.. Enjoy your Monday!!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 4... All things come undone

This is day 4 of the new me. Yesterday i had a pretty good day. School was ok, I went to see my therapist and even went out with a few girlfriends from the gym last night. Normally im uncomfortable in "bar" social settings and this time was no different. I wore a dress that I felt really pretty in, but then when I was next to all of them, I felt huge and ugly and old. Well not THAT old but the one girl said she was class of 99!! 99!! Fortunately I don't look it. I mean this is going to sound weird but even though i felt like that, I felt ok.

That brings me to what my therapist and I talked about on Friday. Ive told her about my blogging and we talked about how it makes me feel. Ive been feeling really good these past few days and I credit it to a choice to feel better. I held in all my feelings, when I wanted to cry, I held my breath, changed the subject in my head, sang songs, did whatever i could to keep the bad thoughts away.

Many people are right now are going.. way to go,, and yay Trina, but i don't necessarily feel that way. Sometimes peoples uncomfortability with sadness disturbs me. Ive learned and know very well what it feels like to keep emotions bottled up for too long. When did it become fashionable to stuff and hold ones feelings inside? Why is it frowned upon to cry? I don't understand. Everywhere I look I see children and people turning to drugs and killing themselves and others because they are trying to hold everything in. Avoid. Be happy all the time because bieng unhappy is frowned upon, if you cry too much you must be depressed.

Well in some circumstances you have a RIGHT to cry,, You have a RIGHT to be depressed!! I'm living in a bug infested house, that I can't afford to leave, I have no money, my utilities are always in danger of getting cut off, I'm on the verge of divorce, I'm overweight and despite working out 5 days a week, 5 hours a day sometimes, I'm GAINING weight. I'm going through a fast paced degree program with no summer breaks or anything. Why would i NOT cry?? I may cry, but i still fight!! I still get up in the morning and move foreward. I don't have any other choice, but I don't want my struggle minimized or glazed over or hidden behind a veneer of happy, happy, joy, joy either.

If i do that, Ive done us all a disservice. The triumph is not in doing something that comes easy. The triumph is in continuing to do what needs to be done even when it appears all hope is lost. In perserverence, in courage, in strength you didn't know you had. So i say, go ahead and cry, go ahead and bitch and moan and dispair, and then when the storm has passed.. breathe deeply.. stand up straight and tall and go on.

I do believe there is a time and place for everything, there is a fine balance, but you need to be honest with yourself always and allow yourself to feel. Your feelings are VALID whatever they may be. They are you.

My days always seem to get better when I allow myself to feel and not bottle it up,, when I allow myself to get out the toxic it leaves room for the good to come in. I thank the person that emailed me, I would cry and cry but never let everything out, My blog didn't have a direction because I was holding back and trying to only talk about my weight. I am so much more than just my weight, There are things outside the topic of weight that contribute to my weight bieng what it is. I was holding it in and now i am exhaling.. If you are still watching.. Exhale with me.. It's a wonderful feeling!!

I feel good, I went to the library and got lots of books with recipes and am going to research things and try to come up with ways to help myself, and if it doesn't work, I may cry and get discouraged but guess what.. I'll try something else!! I'm going to attempt to figure out how to take my measurements this week. I'm still not ready to get back on the scale yet, I'm just going to enjoy the feeling I get from working out and try to be healthier in general. For another week at least lol.

have a SUPER blessed day everyone!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 2.. Ever onward….

This morning was a rough one. It was supposed to be a morning for my walk but I was so tired, I just kept turning the alarm off. I even considered just going to school late but finally I couldn’t stand the guilt and rolled myself out of bed at about 6. I was hungry but I was also down, I tried to not think about things but it was hard. I kept thinking about my bills and knowing I need to check my bank account but afraid to, I kept looking around my house at the mess and wanting to cry. Just lots of thoughts and remembrances swirling through my head, like what am I going to eat for dinner or lunch. Just my dismal situation in general. Even though my throat was closed tight with unshed tears I knew I had to eat breakfast, I wanted eggs and toast but I only had enough mental strength to put one foot in front of the other and hold it together. I made a breakfast of a piece of chicken and 2 slices of wheat bread. I packed my lunch which consists of 2 cans of tuna (100 cals) 2 tblspns miracle whip (70 cals), 2 slices of bread, the last of my apple sauce and a handful of grapes.

All the bad things that tried to cloud my vision I kept at bay like a creeping blackness you see out of the corner of your eye. I had a brief thought of what am I going to have for break? What will I eat after school before I go to the gym? Then my thoughts turned to the girls I work out with and the man I train with. I already feel guilt for being so slow and behind, I’m tired of always being in pain, but I also feel guilt because yesterday one of the ladies was saying how she was going to give him 25 dollars for working out with us, appreciation for spending time with us that he could be using doing other things such as training his sons etc: That hurt because I know I can’t afford to do that. My heart and soul ache, it brings tears to my eyes because it’s yet another way I’m lacking. I feel like a baby that has to be taken care of. Yet again I digress.

The really weird thing is, the closer it got time for me to get out of school and go work out, the better I began to feel. Just having a plan seemed to help. My eatting was ok. I got through my workout, boy do my knees ache, but it felt good!! I was in good spirits; afterwards, I faced some of what had been worrying me. I checked my bank accounts. They were as expected but I wasn’t upset. I had many things happen to me today that were unexpected. The cables off but they must have forgotten to turn off the internet!! Can I claim this as a triumph over the cable company?? Lol. Anyways, the point of today seems to be, everything was as crappy as usual, but I was still able to find a few things to smile about and keep me going. Another day down!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 1.. The beginning..

If you haven't already, read the blog before this "Death of a Blog"

Today started off really crazy for me. I decided to go to a job fair. I've never been to one before, I haven't worked since 1997 I think. It's funny i remember it almost like it was yesterday. My son had just been born, He wasn't even 2 months old when they sent me to a therapist saying i was depressed. When they discovered i tried to commit suicide when i was 16 (long story for another time) They just immediately put me on medication. They're the doctors right, they know best?? Unfortunately, I had severe side effects. I remember going to the bathroom at work and closing my eyes and pressing my face to the stall walls just to feel the coolness, to stop the raging beating of my heart, The tears would come, the sickness etc: but then the doctor left and went into private practice and thus began over 10 years of shuffling from doctor to doctor, none who ever questioned me on anything other than side effects and how are you feeling and lets try this dose or this medication.

I remember many times wanting to stop taking it but you become so afraid of stopping the medicine because you hear so many horror stories. By the time I went before a judge for disability, I couldn't even lift my head to answer a question without crying. It was especially hard on me because Ive always been very intelligent, hi IQ and all and it was like i couldn't function anymore, My house was a shambles, I couldn't move off the couch, the weight started piling on, I began hiding, it was like being trapped in a tomb that's your mind and body. i knew i had so much more to me, but i was trapped. Lord this is not where i wanted to go.. back on track...

Anyways, I was a little afraid and of course my resume' is pretty sucky even to me so i didn't expect a job but i wanted to see what it was like. Could i do it was the question. I wanted to go alone but i hadn't worked up the courage to do that yet so i asked my classmate Alexandra to go with me. So silly me decided to clip my ends, iron my clothes, grab my laptop bag, my purse, and my workout bag AND make lunch all in the morning. Needless to say i was running late, so i didn't get to eat breakfast, or make lunch. I wasn't hungry but i felt bad because yesterday at step class i was looking at myself in the floor length mirror and it was all i could do not to burst into tears. My body is changing and it's like i have no control over it. it takes everything in me to keep eating. My brain tells me to stop but it's hard. Its like a war within yourself. 

So I'm driving and i get an email that my child support is in. I'm like OK. My gas, electric and phone are about to be cut off. My plan was to pay some on each of them and pray for no disconnects. I had it all planned out. My child support is 185, I was going to pay 150 on the phone and have 35 in gas to last us till Wednesday when my husband gets his pitiful check. I opened the email on the highway and glanced at it. 127 dollars. My heart sank, i wanted to cry. hell i still want to cry but i just sucked it up and told myself i can't afford to cry. I can't go back to sitting on the couch, besides I'm on the highway.. no time to be falling apart!! So i went to subway and grabbed a egg english muffin. It was gross, but it was 2 dollars and i got in breakfast. Break time was at 10:00 and i think the depression over the money was there even though i pushed it back. I ended up eating 2 doughnuts.. I didn't care!! or so i thought, by the time lunch came, i didn't feel hungry and i skipped lunch.

Honestly i think i was punishing myself and maybe a little damage control for the doughnuts. I know, not good. So 3:00 comes and the job fair. I got through it OK, It was overwhelming a little, I think i was really discouraged because i know with all those people, who have way more experience than me, I didn't stand a chance at anything, but it was OK. Afterwards, Alex made me go to subway with her where i ate a whole turkey on wheat (bread scooped out) and a bag of sun chips. Then since it was almost 6:30 and time for me to go workout with Keith, i went to McDonald's and got an ice cream and diet coke. I don't normally do that but i knew I'd burn it off very quickly and i was right!! We met at the Cathedral of Learning to climb steps!! OMG was it hot and hard!! I did it though!! 35 flights of stairs!! Google it, it's in Pittsburgh PA.. This is my view from the 34th floor..

After that, we went to the park and jogged, well i tried around the track,, about a quarter mile, then did some other cardio stuff and a little sparring. i really like boxing but I'm not that great at it. 2 other girls work out with me and i feel bad, I'm the oldest and the fattest and it seems like I'm always lagging behind, it's so frustrating having these limitations but i don't know how to do anything but keep going foreword. I'm too scared of what awaits me back there. Dinner was a piece of watermelon, a banana, a couple grapes and a protein shake. I wasn't that hungry. It has been a long and tiring day for me and it's way past my bedtime!! Until tomorrow, have a blessed productive day. i see many triumphs as i look back over my day. I will note them to the right. Good night all... 

Death of a blog...

So your wondering.. what is she talking about!! Well, This is the end of this blog as you know it. I got an email. I guess you could say it was a nasty email. It said a lot of things i more than likely wont repeat but some things struck a cord with me. They said some things about my blog not having a point and how Ive been here a year and no one reads me and i don't have any followers and other things of that nature and I'm a downer etc etc:..

This got me to thinking. First and foremost, I've said this before, this isn't about gaining a huge following or needing to be loved or liked or even a popularity contest for me. I COULD make a "cheerleader blog" about weight loss. That's what i call the blogs that are ALWAYS super positive as if they don't have a care in the world, as if every healthy meal is cause for celebration, as if every climb to the top of the hill is a "pump your fists in the air" rocky moment etc: full of great tips and general rah rah all day everyday. Don't get me wrong, those blogs are great and i enjoy looking at them and being motivated sometimes and gaining nice tips etc: but sometimes, just sometimes, i want to hear what it's like when they hit that wall and how they get past it,, Sometimes i need to see the real struggle and overcoming of it because that's where i feel you gain strength.  I can't identify with "rah rah" all the time because my life isn't "rah rah" all the time and honestly sometimes that can make me feel less than. Hell being perky all the damn time is tiring work!! It's like another job!!

It's like weight loss surgery. everyone wants to pretend its the greatest thing since sliced bread. don't get me wrong, I think the people that do that are the most courageous people in the world, I'm taking  the hard way because I'm to chicken to go under the knife, but at the same time, it seems they want for that decision to not be a mistake so bad they don't talk about or just glaze over the side effects, how often do you hear about the throwing up, the horrible gas, the diarrhea, the anger because where food was once their outlet now it can no longer be, the regaining weight, the horrible gas, now you may say,, who wants to hear that!! well ME for one if I'm thinking of having the surgery!! I want to know the good the bad and the ugly so i can make the decision if this LIFELONG change is something i can live with!!

Now that being said.. I realized something else. I AM depressed. I think. I'm pretty sure anyways, I probably have been for a very long time. I struggle with my LIFE and with losing the weight and for me it's like some weird macabre dance. This blog for me is supposed to be about me getting through, gaining perspective, sharing, a purging if you will and i realize that i don't even do the things in this blog that i would want to see in a blog. I toyed with deleting this blog and starting a new one about fighting depression, poverty and weight loss but i decided I'm just going to restructure this blog. It will be about my struggles period. All of it, no holds barred, whats going on with me, how I'm feeling about it etc. It will still be focused on my weight also but it may be more like a journal.

My hope is that those of you who are here will stay along for the ride and that i can be successful on some level so i will be an encouragement to someone who is suffering as i am. I hope in my struggles they will see, I've been there and if she can do it so can i!! If nothing else, i don't know where you picked up my journey but i would encourage you to read my very first post so you at least have a tiny idea of "the me of it all".

OK enough chatter here, I'm giving myself half an hour to reconfigure and get my first post up so i can take my butt to bed!!

P.S. i appreciate each and every one of you, I would rather have a handful of truly good friends than a stadium full of fake ones.  (hugs all around)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Back to the drawing board...

Today I woke up in no better mood than I have in the past few months. Still down and depressed, still hurting and feeling alone on this journey. My mind has been on choices since my last blog. I woke up and made the choice to go walking. Do i feel like all of a sudden I'm back on track and everything will be great.. No.. BUT a small part of me realized that even when all your choices suck.. you have to make the best choice you can given your circumstances. One day at a time, one choice at a time. So my choice for this morning was walking.

I chose to walk because in the beginning when i was 300+ pounds it was all I felt I could do. I remember the first time I decided to do it. I picked evening because I felt no one would be there to see me wobbling around the track. I remember walking and thinking and praying. I remember going there and watching the sun rise some days, and set others. I remember sitting in my car crying my heart out to my lord for his mercy and help,, to take this pain away. I remember praising him for all the good he's done in my life, all the small things that tend to get lost in the bigger picture. I remember gaining a closeness and a serenity and the strength to make it through my day there.

In life as a child, when you fall down and hurt yourself, you go home. It's the only place you know you'll be welcome, you can relax and think, where you can go to get a hug and an assurance everything will be all alright. (at least in theory). Where you can begin again. This morning I chose to go home.
This is home. I walked about three miles. I listened to my music, and I listened to my heart and I realized I had to make more choices and all I can do is pray the choices I make today will make the choices I have to make later, easier instead of harder. 1 choice I made was, yes I need to pay my bills but I also need to feed my family, so i went to walmart. A friend brought me a couple things because they were proud of me for working out. I don't have any workout clothes so they brought me 2 workout shirts, a jump rope and a waist belt thingy. I think a part of me must have known it would come to this because I never removed them from my trunk. I sat in a secluded part of walmarts parking lot and cried for a while and then pulled myself together,, took it inside and returned it all to ease the amount of money I would have to spend on food and necessities. I got chicken, thighs I chose them for their cheapness but also because the skin is easy to remove,, It's all about making the best choices you can given the choices you have.

I also made the choice to try to go to 1500-2000 calories a day. I'm going to aim for 4.. 400 calorie meals and at least 2 snacks of 100 calories or so if needed. I think with my activity level that would help. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, ideally for me with my life the way it is, ediets would be a good choice and I could easily and quickly find 400 calorie meals I can make and like and print out a shopping list immediately, but as that's not one of my choices, I'm trying the library and Internet. So far not much luck and seeing as how I leave by 6 30 every morning.. (earlier if i walk) and don't get home until after 9 pm most nights its going to make things very difficult. I'll just keep praying that the lord shows me something.

well I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. When you lose your way sometimes its better to go back and start at the beginning again. I pray your path is always straight and true. Until next time...


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Deep breath... Long exhale...........

Ok.. Here's where I'm at.. I can't pay my bills. I have just received notices of disconnection for both my gas and electric and as my phone bill was due yesterday, I'm sure that will follow. I have an interview next week for an internship site (non paid) and i have no suit and no money to buy a suit. I have gained somehow 35 pounds and am now 2 sizes bigger. I am severely depressed or at the very least hovering there.

What it's doing to my diet. The weight is what broke me. All of the other things are bad granted but when it was just school and money issues, i kept going, i kept praying, whining and moaning but i kept moving, i kept working out, trying to eat right, still killing myself because well, at least i had that to be proud of. I had nothing else that was me.. just me if you understand what i mean, but i had that. I had that; despite everything, i was still pushing foreword, working out 5 hours a day 4-5 days a week. I could do it!!

I admit a large part of me didn't really think i could ever be under 200 but i had that teeny tiny little glimmer of hope and i clung to it,, hidden deep inside me like a candle that's almost gone out. I nurtured it and kept the wind at bay the best i could. I was giving it my all and then some. people said slow down but the working out helped me to forget my problems for 1 more day, It kept the boogey man in the closet and allowed my candles light to glow a little stronger. When i stepped on the scale and saw 261. the world stopped. It was as if a giant gust of wind came and blew away my world. I looked around me and couldn't see.

What do you do when your all is not good enough? Where do you go when there's nowhere left to go. It was as if my world stopped. I know its so sad to allow the scale to have such power over someone, but saying it doesn't change the reality of it. It doesn't change the pain. It doesn't wipe away the disgust i see when i look in the mirror. It doesn't erase the memories of being over 300 pounds, now a mere 40 pounds away. It doesn't erase the blood, sweat and tears that were shed. If the scale should not rule our lives why are we all trying to lose weight? Deluding ourselves wont help. It never does for long. I am scared. I am lost. I am broke. being healthy is a rich mans game. It implies choices, and yes we all have choices on the surface. If i have 20 dollars for food for the week, i can choose to buy the 6lbs of ground turkey that will feed my family of 4 for 2 days or i can choose to buy 20 lbs of the cheapest ground beef and feed us for the entire week. So yes i do have choices, but they all come at a cost. I can't afford the price of either.

I have given up inside, i try not to; but this last week, I've been eating out of control. Not a lot, just things i shouldn't, Doritos. I haven't touched those in 2 years. Doughnuts, I've had 4 in the last 2 days, cookies.. Stuff i haven't been near in years.

I am fighting this though, I'm still looking at diet sites, I'm thinking of things i can do, no ideas yet but I'm thinking, I went to the goodwill and found a suit. I almost cried because i had to buy a 24 and i had gotten to 18/16. I found a budget software for a dollar. I splurged and went to the drive in (6 dollars) with my son last night, to relax and while there i left my name and number with the manager perhaps i can get a part time evening job.

i cant begin to express the agony, the fear, the pain, the frustration in my heart right now. I feel as if I'm a prisoner and have been bound by chains attached to 1000lbs.. and I'm trying to walk with it.. I'm pulling, I'm stumbling, but i haven't stopped.. yet..my candle may still have a little life in it. i don't know how to get the light going again but i will try with what i have left. I am still here. I haven't died yet. I'm tired of being tired and wishing i was dead but i don't know any other way to be.. At the same time i will keep going, i know what awaits me back there and i don't want it. I can only pray theres something better ahead..

Thursday, July 15, 2010

negativity.. is that a word.

I don't know what to say. I woke up afraid and stressed, its 3 in the morning. I had a so so day today. It got really bad for a moment because i let a comment one person made about me hurt me. She said i was a negative person. There's a lot of backstory but im to tired to go into it in detail but basically shes very incompetant and i do mean VERY, which results in me having to question her on a LOT of things she does. I know this and i'm sure since i never have anything good to say to her she sees it that way. Thats actually fine. It did hurt though because we'll truth hurts. I AM a negative person but after 40 years of bieng beat down by life, i dare you to be any other way.. The negativity in my life WAYYY outweighs the positive. im up at 3 in the morning because i cant sleep from stress. Im trying to figure out how to pay 800 dollars in bills with 300 dollars. I cant borrow because realistically i cant pay it back.. lying here,, i tried to think of maybe pawning stuff but the most id get from my pitiful pawnable stuff is probably 100,, i thought about selling my plasma,, can u imagine how much i would have to sell at 35 dollars a pop!! i had to let credit cards go a couple months back so no go there.. credits taken a major hit so theres really nowhere for me to turn, i lie here trying to cry as quietly as possible because my son is in the bed next to me.. im stressed, im exhausted, im afraid any moment we will all be sitting here in the dark,, with no way to cook, barely enough to eat and possibly on the street, im gaining weight,, school is shit and im supposed to be mary fuckin poppins.. not likely... not likely at all.. im sorry,i cant do this right now, im gonna go..

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Where to begin..

Honestly, I really don't know. Ive been M.I.A. for so long and so many things are happening to me right now i just have no clue where to begin. I want to cry but I'm at school in the lab, my classmates haven't arrived yet but well that's OK too. To say my life as of late has been difficult would be the understatement of the year. Ive had many more downs than ups. Normally i talk about everything because i believe everything that's going on in my life affects my diet, but i can't right now. it's all so painful i have repressed it and even mention or thought makes my eyes well in tears and i have no time for tears or pain right now. I will attempt to talk about the food part of it. I'm struggling mightily.

I have been eating pretty much the same lately. I always eat healthy and I'm always hungry. I'm probably always hungry because i work out so much. That's what makes this so hard for me to understand. I seem to have gained 30 pounds. Last week i got on the scale at the gym and it read 260. I had gotten to 234. Why is this happening to me. OK before i go further let me outline my day to you, this is pretty usual for me at least 4-5 days a week.

I'm out my door to school by 7.. i go directly from school to the YMCA and train with my trainer generally 2-3 hours, i leave there and go to weight masters gym and put in another 2 or so hours with calisthenics and boxing. I usually get home around 9 p.m. exhausted.,, the food i eat all day is the food i can carry with me usually.

breakfast at 630.. cereal or protein shake.. or hi protein bagel

snack at 10.. fruit or nature valley bar..

lunch at noon, usually turkey burgers (homemade), or spaghetti 1 1/2 cup of sauce and 1 1/2 c wheat noodles or a grilled chicken breast. i try to precook and package when i can.

fruit throughout the day,, usually applesauce, about 2 cups, grapes about a pound or 2,, apples, sometimes 2 or 3.. the fruit part varies a lot,, depends on what i have on hand and how much.

in a pinch if i can't carry all my food, my standard "fast food" meal is a subway turkey breast on whole wheat, scooped roll and if I'm really hungry a bag of sun chips with it. I normally also have a protein shake or 2 during the day on workout days, which consist of a scoop of powder with water. each scoop is about 90 cals. (gnc amp extreme). The serving is 3 scoops.

with that being said,, even if I'm eating too much food, (if anything puts me over it'll be the fruit) i should be maintaining with all the working out i do. It's a horrible vicious cycle. When i weighed myself at the gym, i stood on the elliptical and thought of all the things i could do.

diet pills, vomiting, surgery, trying to force myself to stop eating... i did my 10 minute warm up and went into the studio, allowed myself a few tears that i couldn't seem to hold back. barely 3 minutes and went back to working out. My knees ache,, I now have fluid pockets in both my knees, but i don't know any other way to live. I feel like if i stop I'll die. If i gained 30 pounds working out 5-7 hours a day.. what will happen to me if i stop? Where will i be? I feel like no one understands. theres nothing else for me to do.

I'm sooo close to giving up. I just feel like i can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wishing i was dead. I wasn't able to finish this at school, it's now 4 in the morning and i woke up stressed again, crying again over bills and weight etc:.. i even entered a give away for medifast. I won't win. people like me never do. i'm not even sure why i "entered". I was thinking about trying ediets again, It was something that in the past when i followed it worked for me, i asked my aunt for a gift membership for a year because i knew she was the only 1 i know generous enough to do it and that could afford it. turns out my brother borrowed 700 dollars off of her for a door and never repaid it, now shes bitter and upset and refuses to do anything else for our family. which explains why my children havent gotten gifts from her this year. sigh.. ahh well,, such is my life.

well I'm going to post this, sorry for any typos or if i rambled or left things out but right now i don't have it in me to proof read or fine tune..

It is as it shall be and no more and i would like to especially thank you Juliet and Patrick for stopping by and checking up on me. it really felt good to know someone cared enough to do so. It touched me in ways you'll never know and in part is the only reason i'm here trying to post right now. Thank you so much.