Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Back to the drawing board...

Today I woke up in no better mood than I have in the past few months. Still down and depressed, still hurting and feeling alone on this journey. My mind has been on choices since my last blog. I woke up and made the choice to go walking. Do i feel like all of a sudden I'm back on track and everything will be great.. No.. BUT a small part of me realized that even when all your choices suck.. you have to make the best choice you can given your circumstances. One day at a time, one choice at a time. So my choice for this morning was walking.

I chose to walk because in the beginning when i was 300+ pounds it was all I felt I could do. I remember the first time I decided to do it. I picked evening because I felt no one would be there to see me wobbling around the track. I remember walking and thinking and praying. I remember going there and watching the sun rise some days, and set others. I remember sitting in my car crying my heart out to my lord for his mercy and help,, to take this pain away. I remember praising him for all the good he's done in my life, all the small things that tend to get lost in the bigger picture. I remember gaining a closeness and a serenity and the strength to make it through my day there.

In life as a child, when you fall down and hurt yourself, you go home. It's the only place you know you'll be welcome, you can relax and think, where you can go to get a hug and an assurance everything will be all alright. (at least in theory). Where you can begin again. This morning I chose to go home.
This is home. I walked about three miles. I listened to my music, and I listened to my heart and I realized I had to make more choices and all I can do is pray the choices I make today will make the choices I have to make later, easier instead of harder. 1 choice I made was, yes I need to pay my bills but I also need to feed my family, so i went to walmart. A friend brought me a couple things because they were proud of me for working out. I don't have any workout clothes so they brought me 2 workout shirts, a jump rope and a waist belt thingy. I think a part of me must have known it would come to this because I never removed them from my trunk. I sat in a secluded part of walmarts parking lot and cried for a while and then pulled myself together,, took it inside and returned it all to ease the amount of money I would have to spend on food and necessities. I got chicken, thighs I chose them for their cheapness but also because the skin is easy to remove,, It's all about making the best choices you can given the choices you have.

I also made the choice to try to go to 1500-2000 calories a day. I'm going to aim for 4.. 400 calorie meals and at least 2 snacks of 100 calories or so if needed. I think with my activity level that would help. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, ideally for me with my life the way it is, ediets would be a good choice and I could easily and quickly find 400 calorie meals I can make and like and print out a shopping list immediately, but as that's not one of my choices, I'm trying the library and Internet. So far not much luck and seeing as how I leave by 6 30 every morning.. (earlier if i walk) and don't get home until after 9 pm most nights its going to make things very difficult. I'll just keep praying that the lord shows me something.

well I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. When you lose your way sometimes its better to go back and start at the beginning again. I pray your path is always straight and true. Until next time...



  1. Trina, outstanding news on your decision for a fresh start! You are not alone, allof here in blog-land are behind you!

  2. yep
    what patrick said.
    ready will and kindasortaable :) to lend an ear or a hand.


  3. I'm glad you went for a walk. I know for me going back to my roots as I call them always helps me think better. My heart aches for you Trina and I wish I had some good advice but really I think you just need someone to listen not try to fix things. I really do believe everything will work out it is just about making the best choices you can and putting one foot in front of the other. I'm praying for you and I'm here if you need to talk.

    Hugs and love

  4. "In life as a child, when you fall down and hurt yourself, you go home." -- Gave me a lump in my throat.

    100% behind your new journey xx

  5. Thanks guys.. your support means a lot