Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 1.. The beginning..

If you haven't already, read the blog before this "Death of a Blog"

Today started off really crazy for me. I decided to go to a job fair. I've never been to one before, I haven't worked since 1997 I think. It's funny i remember it almost like it was yesterday. My son had just been born, He wasn't even 2 months old when they sent me to a therapist saying i was depressed. When they discovered i tried to commit suicide when i was 16 (long story for another time) They just immediately put me on medication. They're the doctors right, they know best?? Unfortunately, I had severe side effects. I remember going to the bathroom at work and closing my eyes and pressing my face to the stall walls just to feel the coolness, to stop the raging beating of my heart, The tears would come, the sickness etc: but then the doctor left and went into private practice and thus began over 10 years of shuffling from doctor to doctor, none who ever questioned me on anything other than side effects and how are you feeling and lets try this dose or this medication.

I remember many times wanting to stop taking it but you become so afraid of stopping the medicine because you hear so many horror stories. By the time I went before a judge for disability, I couldn't even lift my head to answer a question without crying. It was especially hard on me because Ive always been very intelligent, hi IQ and all and it was like i couldn't function anymore, My house was a shambles, I couldn't move off the couch, the weight started piling on, I began hiding, it was like being trapped in a tomb that's your mind and body. i knew i had so much more to me, but i was trapped. Lord this is not where i wanted to go.. back on track...

Anyways, I was a little afraid and of course my resume' is pretty sucky even to me so i didn't expect a job but i wanted to see what it was like. Could i do it was the question. I wanted to go alone but i hadn't worked up the courage to do that yet so i asked my classmate Alexandra to go with me. So silly me decided to clip my ends, iron my clothes, grab my laptop bag, my purse, and my workout bag AND make lunch all in the morning. Needless to say i was running late, so i didn't get to eat breakfast, or make lunch. I wasn't hungry but i felt bad because yesterday at step class i was looking at myself in the floor length mirror and it was all i could do not to burst into tears. My body is changing and it's like i have no control over it. it takes everything in me to keep eating. My brain tells me to stop but it's hard. Its like a war within yourself. 

So I'm driving and i get an email that my child support is in. I'm like OK. My gas, electric and phone are about to be cut off. My plan was to pay some on each of them and pray for no disconnects. I had it all planned out. My child support is 185, I was going to pay 150 on the phone and have 35 in gas to last us till Wednesday when my husband gets his pitiful check. I opened the email on the highway and glanced at it. 127 dollars. My heart sank, i wanted to cry. hell i still want to cry but i just sucked it up and told myself i can't afford to cry. I can't go back to sitting on the couch, besides I'm on the highway.. no time to be falling apart!! So i went to subway and grabbed a egg english muffin. It was gross, but it was 2 dollars and i got in breakfast. Break time was at 10:00 and i think the depression over the money was there even though i pushed it back. I ended up eating 2 doughnuts.. I didn't care!! or so i thought, by the time lunch came, i didn't feel hungry and i skipped lunch.

Honestly i think i was punishing myself and maybe a little damage control for the doughnuts. I know, not good. So 3:00 comes and the job fair. I got through it OK, It was overwhelming a little, I think i was really discouraged because i know with all those people, who have way more experience than me, I didn't stand a chance at anything, but it was OK. Afterwards, Alex made me go to subway with her where i ate a whole turkey on wheat (bread scooped out) and a bag of sun chips. Then since it was almost 6:30 and time for me to go workout with Keith, i went to McDonald's and got an ice cream and diet coke. I don't normally do that but i knew I'd burn it off very quickly and i was right!! We met at the Cathedral of Learning to climb steps!! OMG was it hot and hard!! I did it though!! 35 flights of stairs!! Google it, it's in Pittsburgh PA.. This is my view from the 34th floor..

After that, we went to the park and jogged, well i tried around the track,, about a quarter mile, then did some other cardio stuff and a little sparring. i really like boxing but I'm not that great at it. 2 other girls work out with me and i feel bad, I'm the oldest and the fattest and it seems like I'm always lagging behind, it's so frustrating having these limitations but i don't know how to do anything but keep going foreword. I'm too scared of what awaits me back there. Dinner was a piece of watermelon, a banana, a couple grapes and a protein shake. I wasn't that hungry. It has been a long and tiring day for me and it's way past my bedtime!! Until tomorrow, have a blessed productive day. i see many triumphs as i look back over my day. I will note them to the right. Good night all... 

3 comments:

  1. Glad you're hanging in there Trina. Glad you had some triumphs yesterday, hope today was even better. *hugs*

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  2. Thanks Dawn,, Have a great trip!! miss you!!

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  3. Attending a job fair + climbing the Cathedral of Learning = Day of Triumph!

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