Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 2.. Ever onward….

This morning was a rough one. It was supposed to be a morning for my walk but I was so tired, I just kept turning the alarm off. I even considered just going to school late but finally I couldn’t stand the guilt and rolled myself out of bed at about 6. I was hungry but I was also down, I tried to not think about things but it was hard. I kept thinking about my bills and knowing I need to check my bank account but afraid to, I kept looking around my house at the mess and wanting to cry. Just lots of thoughts and remembrances swirling through my head, like what am I going to eat for dinner or lunch. Just my dismal situation in general. Even though my throat was closed tight with unshed tears I knew I had to eat breakfast, I wanted eggs and toast but I only had enough mental strength to put one foot in front of the other and hold it together. I made a breakfast of a piece of chicken and 2 slices of wheat bread. I packed my lunch which consists of 2 cans of tuna (100 cals) 2 tblspns miracle whip (70 cals), 2 slices of bread, the last of my apple sauce and a handful of grapes.

All the bad things that tried to cloud my vision I kept at bay like a creeping blackness you see out of the corner of your eye. I had a brief thought of what am I going to have for break? What will I eat after school before I go to the gym? Then my thoughts turned to the girls I work out with and the man I train with. I already feel guilt for being so slow and behind, I’m tired of always being in pain, but I also feel guilt because yesterday one of the ladies was saying how she was going to give him 25 dollars for working out with us, appreciation for spending time with us that he could be using doing other things such as training his sons etc: That hurt because I know I can’t afford to do that. My heart and soul ache, it brings tears to my eyes because it’s yet another way I’m lacking. I feel like a baby that has to be taken care of. Yet again I digress.

The really weird thing is, the closer it got time for me to get out of school and go work out, the better I began to feel. Just having a plan seemed to help. My eatting was ok. I got through my workout, boy do my knees ache, but it felt good!! I was in good spirits; afterwards, I faced some of what had been worrying me. I checked my bank accounts. They were as expected but I wasn’t upset. I had many things happen to me today that were unexpected. The cables off but they must have forgotten to turn off the internet!! Can I claim this as a triumph over the cable company?? Lol. Anyways, the point of today seems to be, everything was as crappy as usual, but I was still able to find a few things to smile about and keep me going. Another day down!!

3 comments:

  1. Triumph, we shall delacre that a win indeed. Your havung a plan and how it helped you feel better as you got going; great thing for you to have realized. Something you can put to work for you daily, no?

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  2. Will you continue to journal without internet? Best wishes in case you have to vanish for a bit.

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  3. Thank you Juliet and i'm not leaving, I only considered deleting this blog and creating a new one with a focus on depression and obesity.

    That email didn't really upset me, actually it just gave me food for thought and i feel almost like it was a blessing!!

    I'm here to stay..

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