Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 4... All things come undone

This is day 4 of the new me. Yesterday i had a pretty good day. School was ok, I went to see my therapist and even went out with a few girlfriends from the gym last night. Normally im uncomfortable in "bar" social settings and this time was no different. I wore a dress that I felt really pretty in, but then when I was next to all of them, I felt huge and ugly and old. Well not THAT old but the one girl said she was class of 99!! 99!! Fortunately I don't look it. I mean this is going to sound weird but even though i felt like that, I felt ok.

That brings me to what my therapist and I talked about on Friday. Ive told her about my blogging and we talked about how it makes me feel. Ive been feeling really good these past few days and I credit it to a choice to feel better. I held in all my feelings, when I wanted to cry, I held my breath, changed the subject in my head, sang songs, did whatever i could to keep the bad thoughts away.

Many people are right now are going.. way to go,, and yay Trina, but i don't necessarily feel that way. Sometimes peoples uncomfortability with sadness disturbs me. Ive learned and know very well what it feels like to keep emotions bottled up for too long. When did it become fashionable to stuff and hold ones feelings inside? Why is it frowned upon to cry? I don't understand. Everywhere I look I see children and people turning to drugs and killing themselves and others because they are trying to hold everything in. Avoid. Be happy all the time because bieng unhappy is frowned upon, if you cry too much you must be depressed.

Well in some circumstances you have a RIGHT to cry,, You have a RIGHT to be depressed!! I'm living in a bug infested house, that I can't afford to leave, I have no money, my utilities are always in danger of getting cut off, I'm on the verge of divorce, I'm overweight and despite working out 5 days a week, 5 hours a day sometimes, I'm GAINING weight. I'm going through a fast paced degree program with no summer breaks or anything. Why would i NOT cry?? I may cry, but i still fight!! I still get up in the morning and move foreward. I don't have any other choice, but I don't want my struggle minimized or glazed over or hidden behind a veneer of happy, happy, joy, joy either.

If i do that, Ive done us all a disservice. The triumph is not in doing something that comes easy. The triumph is in continuing to do what needs to be done even when it appears all hope is lost. In perserverence, in courage, in strength you didn't know you had. So i say, go ahead and cry, go ahead and bitch and moan and dispair, and then when the storm has passed.. breathe deeply.. stand up straight and tall and go on.

I do believe there is a time and place for everything, there is a fine balance, but you need to be honest with yourself always and allow yourself to feel. Your feelings are VALID whatever they may be. They are you.

My days always seem to get better when I allow myself to feel and not bottle it up,, when I allow myself to get out the toxic it leaves room for the good to come in. I thank the person that emailed me, I would cry and cry but never let everything out, My blog didn't have a direction because I was holding back and trying to only talk about my weight. I am so much more than just my weight, There are things outside the topic of weight that contribute to my weight bieng what it is. I was holding it in and now i am exhaling.. If you are still watching.. Exhale with me.. It's a wonderful feeling!!

I feel good, I went to the library and got lots of books with recipes and am going to research things and try to come up with ways to help myself, and if it doesn't work, I may cry and get discouraged but guess what.. I'll try something else!! I'm going to attempt to figure out how to take my measurements this week. I'm still not ready to get back on the scale yet, I'm just going to enjoy the feeling I get from working out and try to be healthier in general. For another week at least lol.

have a SUPER blessed day everyone!!


  1. So much agreement with this post. And "I may cry, but i still fight" is a wonderful attitude.