Today was an interesting day for me. I woke up lonely. I can't really explain it. I didn't want to get up but at the same time I knew i needed to; so i got up, got the boys up. I let my nephew spend the night. I didn't feel like eatting breakfast because I was just so down but I made myself at least have a protien shake. I felt bad about it. My protien shake is just powder and water and about only 94 calories. I intended to get up and have eggs and toast but I dunno, the feelings were kind of overwhelming. I went to church, we had an early service. The new choir was singing. I felt sad about that, I've always loved the church choir and I used to belong but with school, and my obsession with working out,I just don't have the time. A small part of it is also that I don't feel good enough, I always compare myself to others in every way. It's not so much that i'm jealous of them, more so I'm ashamed of me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I always feel so HUGE next to everyone else. I'm nowhere near as big as I was but I still FEEL like that inside. It transfers to everything. I feel inadequate in everything. My singing, my confidence level, my household. It's like the world is covered in vaseline and i can't get a grip.
I made it through church and I came home to blog, but what happened was I found myself reading blogs first. I wanted to check in on a few and I stopped by Sean's blog. He is a blogger I stumbled across and have been watching for sometime. His blog is big and popular and I must admit i'm always intimidated by it. I never comment mostly because I figure with so many followers, my little old comment would be invisible. again, I know it's my own personal issue and i'm working on it. I always find what he has to say soo inspirational though. Today he talked about bieng 13 pounds from his goal. It brought something out of me. I've become so lost on this journey. I did something very out of the ordinary for me. I emailed him and asked for help. I sat at my desk in the middle of the afternoon and I talked to a perfect stranger about my feelings of bieng lost when it comes to this "counting calorie" thing. I had tears streaming down my face, my nose was stuffed and I was a blubbering mess. I felt kind of mortified afterwards. Pathetic even. I dunno why, I just feel like I always need to be strong I guess.
So after that I hit the church picnic. I spoke to a few people but i'm generally antisocial. I know your thinking, didn't you say you were lonely. Yes but for some stupid reason bieng lonely makes me crave alone time even more. I become melancholy. Plus I've always been distant. I don't mingle well, or do small talk well. basically I don't fit in and I'm painfully aware of it which makes it worse. I ate terribly!! I had, a spoonful of mac and cheese, some rigatoni, about 2 tblespns, baked beans, twice! 2 beef hot dogs, 2 and half peanut butter cookies, 2 pieces of zuchini pound cake, 4 wedges of watermelon, some grapes, (bout 12) and a brownie!! Afterwards I put in my headphones, wrapped my hands and went walking and did some shadow boxing. I don't know how many calories I burned but I was sweating a LOT!! People looked at me strangely for working out at a church picnic but we were at a park!! I was bored and lonely and i knew after eatting what I had I couldn't just go home and go to bed. Plus its so very cleansing for me. It gives me pride and focus. Working out helps me work through and release some of my pain. Also part of my isolating is a cry for help I think too. I would love someone to come over and talk to me, to want to spend time with me. To interupt me, but they never do. I think that hurts a little too but I usually push that feeling way down.
Afterwards, I said my goodbyes and came home. I had a migraine so i turned off all the lights and fell asleep. I awoke with a sense of I NEED to get grip on this food situation. So i'm online looking for ideas and help. I found a 7 day free trial for ediets so I guess I'm going to begin there.
Today although it seems on the surface to have not been a good day, was actually ok though. I got out and enjoyed the sun. I had an enjoyable workout. I'm making progress on my footwork I think lol. I also like to think i'm getting better at bieng social just by getting out there. It's a process, 2 days in a row out in the company of a group of people. I survived! I also had time to just let my feelings flow. I needed to make room for the coming week!!
Time for me to rest and relax.. Enjoy your Monday!!