Today began the same as usual. I got up and got ready for school. I didn’t mention this yesterday but I had decided to go on a 3 day fruit cleanse thingy someone told me about. So I had a ½ cup of grapes for breakfast, really that’s all I wanted. Lately I just haven’t been hungry. It becomes so easy to just not eat. The longer you go, the easier it gets, it isn’t until you actually eat something that the hunger kicks in. It’s occurred to me that not eating is a way for me to avoid the fact that I just don’t have a clue when it comes to food.
School was going ok, I find I’m tired and a little more emotional lately, but I’m coping. We had a speaker today from one of the companies that offers internships. It was very informative. I must admit I’m afraid to get out there and do this. I’ve been called standoffish and mean and defensive and those things really hurt because I’m not. The sad thing is, most times I’m just lost in thought, or tired, or down. I can’t help what my face looks like; I just don’t understand what to do. If you ever want to play poker, I am not your girl. My face usually tells it all. I’m tired of fighting that losing battle too.
I told a few classmates about my fruit idea and to say they were appalled would be an understatement. They insisted I eat and pointed out I needed nutrition as much as I work out and that maybe I need to slow down. Nothing I haven’t heard before 1000 times and already know. This time though, I’m tired of doing what I’ve been doing and getting no results so I decided to give something new a try. I went to sparkpeople.com and lo and behold they had an app for my android phone!! I programmed that I wanted to eat between 1500 and 1800 calories. Then I began adding my food. I went to subway because by 3 p.m. all I had in me was 1 cup grapes, an apple and a banana, I was nowhere near my low point of 1500. Even with the subway turkey (roll scooped out) and bag of sun chips, I was under 1500 calories.
Normally I would have called that more than enough food and called it a day, but I felt I needed to hit my range of at least 1500 if nothing else. I also watched my carbs, protein and fat. I think this may be what I need to get me eating consistently. I really believe if I can continue to do this it will help me with my food. Now if only I was sure this is where I need to be calorie wise.
In light of this “new plan” of moderation. I skipped my step class today and I was supposed to run 2 miles around the track,, run up and down bleachers 3 times and up and down a huge hill 3 times. I told myself I did plenty yesterday and 1 day off wasn’t going to kill me. So I stayed in, and cleaned like a mad woman, now my house to me feels like I’m only a few steps from making the reality show hoarders, but I managed to clean off my dresser, wash and put away a few loads of clothes, took things to the good will, and did a host of other things. Honestly I think I was trying to fill the void that’s usually filled by exercising and to push away the guilt. It worked until now when I got in the bed, I must admit I’m feeling terrified and panicky about the whole not working out today thing, but I’m determined to fight through it and slow down. This new battle is going to be a tough one for me. I’m going to create a new “plan for the week” and stick to it.
Wish me luck.