So your wondering.. what is she talking about!! Well, This is the end of this blog as you know it. I got an email. I guess you could say it was a nasty email. It said a lot of things i more than likely wont repeat but some things struck a cord with me. They said some things about my blog not having a point and how Ive been here a year and no one reads me and i don't have any followers and other things of that nature and I'm a downer etc etc:..
This got me to thinking. First and foremost, I've said this before, this isn't about gaining a huge following or needing to be loved or liked or even a popularity contest for me. I COULD make a "cheerleader blog" about weight loss. That's what i call the blogs that are ALWAYS super positive as if they don't have a care in the world, as if every healthy meal is cause for celebration, as if every climb to the top of the hill is a "pump your fists in the air" rocky moment etc: full of great tips and general rah rah all day everyday. Don't get me wrong, those blogs are great and i enjoy looking at them and being motivated sometimes and gaining nice tips etc: but sometimes, just sometimes, i want to hear what it's like when they hit that wall and how they get past it,, Sometimes i need to see the real struggle and overcoming of it because that's where i feel you gain strength. I can't identify with "rah rah" all the time because my life isn't "rah rah" all the time and honestly sometimes that can make me feel less than. Hell being perky all the damn time is tiring work!! It's like another job!!
It's like weight loss surgery. everyone wants to pretend its the greatest thing since sliced bread. don't get me wrong, I think the people that do that are the most courageous people in the world, I'm taking the hard way because I'm to chicken to go under the knife, but at the same time, it seems they want for that decision to not be a mistake so bad they don't talk about or just glaze over the side effects, how often do you hear about the throwing up, the horrible gas, the diarrhea, the anger because where food was once their outlet now it can no longer be, the regaining weight, the horrible gas, now you may say,, who wants to hear that!! well ME for one if I'm thinking of having the surgery!! I want to know the good the bad and the ugly so i can make the decision if this LIFELONG change is something i can live with!!
Now that being said.. I realized something else. I AM depressed. I think. I'm pretty sure anyways, I probably have been for a very long time. I struggle with my LIFE and with losing the weight and for me it's like some weird macabre dance. This blog for me is supposed to be about me getting through, gaining perspective, sharing, a purging if you will and i realize that i don't even do the things in this blog that i would want to see in a blog. I toyed with deleting this blog and starting a new one about fighting depression, poverty and weight loss but i decided I'm just going to restructure this blog. It will be about my struggles period. All of it, no holds barred, whats going on with me, how I'm feeling about it etc. It will still be focused on my weight also but it may be more like a journal.
My hope is that those of you who are here will stay along for the ride and that i can be successful on some level so i will be an encouragement to someone who is suffering as i am. I hope in my struggles they will see, I've been there and if she can do it so can i!! If nothing else, i don't know where you picked up my journey but i would encourage you to read my very first post so you at least have a tiny idea of "the me of it all".
OK enough chatter here, I'm giving myself half an hour to reconfigure and get my first post up so i can take my butt to bed!!
P.S. i appreciate each and every one of you, I would rather have a handful of truly good friends than a stadium full of fake ones. (hugs all around)