Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Deep breath... Long exhale...........

Ok.. Here's where I'm at.. I can't pay my bills. I have just received notices of disconnection for both my gas and electric and as my phone bill was due yesterday, I'm sure that will follow. I have an interview next week for an internship site (non paid) and i have no suit and no money to buy a suit. I have gained somehow 35 pounds and am now 2 sizes bigger. I am severely depressed or at the very least hovering there.

What it's doing to my diet. The weight is what broke me. All of the other things are bad granted but when it was just school and money issues, i kept going, i kept praying, whining and moaning but i kept moving, i kept working out, trying to eat right, still killing myself because well, at least i had that to be proud of. I had nothing else that was me.. just me if you understand what i mean, but i had that. I had that; despite everything, i was still pushing foreword, working out 5 hours a day 4-5 days a week. I could do it!!

I admit a large part of me didn't really think i could ever be under 200 but i had that teeny tiny little glimmer of hope and i clung to it,, hidden deep inside me like a candle that's almost gone out. I nurtured it and kept the wind at bay the best i could. I was giving it my all and then some. people said slow down but the working out helped me to forget my problems for 1 more day, It kept the boogey man in the closet and allowed my candles light to glow a little stronger. When i stepped on the scale and saw 261. the world stopped. It was as if a giant gust of wind came and blew away my world. I looked around me and couldn't see.

What do you do when your all is not good enough? Where do you go when there's nowhere left to go. It was as if my world stopped. I know its so sad to allow the scale to have such power over someone, but saying it doesn't change the reality of it. It doesn't change the pain. It doesn't wipe away the disgust i see when i look in the mirror. It doesn't erase the memories of being over 300 pounds, now a mere 40 pounds away. It doesn't erase the blood, sweat and tears that were shed. If the scale should not rule our lives why are we all trying to lose weight? Deluding ourselves wont help. It never does for long. I am scared. I am lost. I am broke. being healthy is a rich mans game. It implies choices, and yes we all have choices on the surface. If i have 20 dollars for food for the week, i can choose to buy the 6lbs of ground turkey that will feed my family of 4 for 2 days or i can choose to buy 20 lbs of the cheapest ground beef and feed us for the entire week. So yes i do have choices, but they all come at a cost. I can't afford the price of either.

I have given up inside, i try not to; but this last week, I've been eating out of control. Not a lot, just things i shouldn't, Doritos. I haven't touched those in 2 years. Doughnuts, I've had 4 in the last 2 days, cookies.. Stuff i haven't been near in years.

I am fighting this though, I'm still looking at diet sites, I'm thinking of things i can do, no ideas yet but I'm thinking, I went to the goodwill and found a suit. I almost cried because i had to buy a 24 and i had gotten to 18/16. I found a budget software for a dollar. I splurged and went to the drive in (6 dollars) with my son last night, to relax and while there i left my name and number with the manager perhaps i can get a part time evening job.

i cant begin to express the agony, the fear, the pain, the frustration in my heart right now. I feel as if I'm a prisoner and have been bound by chains attached to 1000lbs.. and I'm trying to walk with it.. I'm pulling, I'm stumbling, but i haven't stopped.. yet..my candle may still have a little life in it. i don't know how to get the light going again but i will try with what i have left. I am still here. I haven't died yet. I'm tired of being tired and wishing i was dead but i don't know any other way to be.. At the same time i will keep going, i know what awaits me back there and i don't want it. I can only pray theres something better ahead..

1 comment:

  1. Trina, your strength in this fearful situation is amazing. Fingers crossed for the jobsearch.