Honestly, I really don't know. Ive been M.I.A. for so long and so many things are happening to me right now i just have no clue where to begin. I want to cry but I'm at school in the lab, my classmates haven't arrived yet but well that's OK too. To say my life as of late has been difficult would be the understatement of the year. Ive had many more downs than ups. Normally i talk about everything because i believe everything that's going on in my life affects my diet, but i can't right now. it's all so painful i have repressed it and even mention or thought makes my eyes well in tears and i have no time for tears or pain right now. I will attempt to talk about the food part of it. I'm struggling mightily.
I have been eating pretty much the same lately. I always eat healthy and I'm always hungry. I'm probably always hungry because i work out so much. That's what makes this so hard for me to understand. I seem to have gained 30 pounds. Last week i got on the scale at the gym and it read 260. I had gotten to 234. Why is this happening to me. OK before i go further let me outline my day to you, this is pretty usual for me at least 4-5 days a week.
I'm out my door to school by 7.. i go directly from school to the YMCA and train with my trainer generally 2-3 hours, i leave there and go to weight masters gym and put in another 2 or so hours with calisthenics and boxing. I usually get home around 9 p.m. exhausted.,, the food i eat all day is the food i can carry with me usually.
breakfast at 630.. cereal or protein shake.. or hi protein bagel
snack at 10.. fruit or nature valley bar..
lunch at noon, usually turkey burgers (homemade), or spaghetti 1 1/2 cup of sauce and 1 1/2 c wheat noodles or a grilled chicken breast. i try to precook and package when i can.
fruit throughout the day,, usually applesauce, about 2 cups, grapes about a pound or 2,, apples, sometimes 2 or 3.. the fruit part varies a lot,, depends on what i have on hand and how much.
in a pinch if i can't carry all my food, my standard "fast food" meal is a subway turkey breast on whole wheat, scooped roll and if I'm really hungry a bag of sun chips with it. I normally also have a protein shake or 2 during the day on workout days, which consist of a scoop of powder with water. each scoop is about 90 cals. (gnc amp extreme). The serving is 3 scoops.
with that being said,, even if I'm eating too much food, (if anything puts me over it'll be the fruit) i should be maintaining with all the working out i do. It's a horrible vicious cycle. When i weighed myself at the gym, i stood on the elliptical and thought of all the things i could do.
diet pills, vomiting, surgery, trying to force myself to stop eating... i did my 10 minute warm up and went into the studio, allowed myself a few tears that i couldn't seem to hold back. barely 3 minutes and went back to working out. My knees ache,, I now have fluid pockets in both my knees, but i don't know any other way to live. I feel like if i stop I'll die. If i gained 30 pounds working out 5-7 hours a day.. what will happen to me if i stop? Where will i be? I feel like no one understands. theres nothing else for me to do.
I'm sooo close to giving up. I just feel like i can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wishing i was dead. I wasn't able to finish this at school, it's now 4 in the morning and i woke up stressed again, crying again over bills and weight etc:.. i even entered a give away for medifast. I won't win. people like me never do. i'm not even sure why i "entered". I was thinking about trying ediets again, It was something that in the past when i followed it worked for me, i asked my aunt for a gift membership for a year because i knew she was the only 1 i know generous enough to do it and that could afford it. turns out my brother borrowed 700 dollars off of her for a door and never repaid it, now shes bitter and upset and refuses to do anything else for our family. which explains why my children havent gotten gifts from her this year. sigh.. ahh well,, such is my life.
well I'm going to post this, sorry for any typos or if i rambled or left things out but right now i don't have it in me to proof read or fine tune..
It is as it shall be and no more and i would like to especially thank you Juliet and Patrick for stopping by and checking up on me. it really felt good to know someone cared enough to do so. It touched me in ways you'll never know and in part is the only reason i'm here trying to post right now. Thank you so much.