Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Your worthy of losing weight.. o Really??

 I'm sitting here in the school library, still feeling kind of dead inside and numb. I should be studying but right now I’m not in the mood. I was sitting here thinking to myself what am I going to write? What do I have to say? I started to talk about my day yesterday which by the way went ok. I had many triumphs over food, but I also had a few personal setbacks. I took a spinning class and managed to actually jog a half mile around the track. I have mixed feelings on that one. I have bad knees, arthritis and 2 knee surgeries to repair torn cartilage has pretty much made something like that uncomfortable to say the least, but I fall into the trap of "what everyone says" Jogging is good for you, it'll take off the weight, you should do it. Meanwhile, I’m reasonably sure I’m going to do more damage and end up in a wheelchair before my time.

I digress, what I really decided to talk about was this theory of being overweight because "we" must feel we are unworthy. Just another label to slap on someone that society feels is socially unacceptable? An "o that must be why" kind of answer?

I disagree slightly with that theory. I think most people’s weight loss journey is deeply personal. Although we all may have similar stories of eating habits, feelings, and results of such, our individual issues are ours alone. Now that's not to say that a person can't empathize or have gone through something similar but people react to situations differently. For instance, 2 children can grow up in an abusive home, equally abused, they share the same stories, they understand the same pain, however their emotional makeup and the way they handle the situations may be vastly different, 1 may become an abuser, while the other becomes passive, 1 may turn to drugs while the other may turn to food. So it's very important to understand that what you may feel and what another may feel is going to be unique to that individual.

A lot of times I hear the epitaph "you are worthy" or "you are deserving" which in my mind somehow implies I do not think I am worthy or deserving. On the contrary that is why things are so hard for me. I KNOW I am worthy and deserving of more than this crap of a life I have. However, I am first and foremost a realist. After almost 41 years of life, I see my life for what it is and no amount of sugar coating and glossing over it is going to change it. To put it simply. It is what it is. The issue of being worthy of something does not enter my mind. I know I’m worthy of a lot of things, does that necessarily mean I will get them? No. I believe I’m worthy of a million dollars, will I open my bank account and have it in there? I doubt it. I believe these are 2 separate issues. Am I worthy of losing weight? Sure I am. Do I get tired of the struggles? Do I get overwhelmed by stress? Yes I do. When skinny people get stressed, they eat too!! Does that mean they feel they are unworthy or undeserving of something? Do we put that label on them?

The issue in some cases of overeating is comfort. Some people choose drugs, some sex, some hide in books, some in exercise, some retreat from life altogether. How we deal with our stresses is a choice. In some cases an unconscious choice but a choice none the less. Just because I have food dreams, just because I find comfort in books, food, exercise and isolation does not mean I think I am less of a person and unworthy. It just means that this is where I find my comfort to help me get through my day. That I’m possibly, more than likely, depressed. Do I always give in to it? No. Sometimes feelings are there for a moment or a time when they are useful. They are a distraction from the pain or stress of whatever it is that ails me. When I blog and say I want to eat. I feel out of control, I'm craving this or that. I say that because that is what I’m feeling at that moment and that's what this is about, gaining control of the feelings, acknowledging them allowing them to wash over and out so that I am better able to control them.

If I honestly said I felt unworthy of anything it would most likely be love and or affection. Even then I can't honestly say I feel unworthy of it, more so just distrustful. I'm not sure I really believe it when it is presented to me. However if there was anything, I would honestly and humbly say that was it. Now when I’m feeling that, I don't want to eat, just the opposite, I am unable to eat and want to hide, I feel like I am dying inside. I know o to well what it feels like to feel you’re unworthy of something. For me though, it’s not about feeling unworthy to lose weight, now stress eating. THAT I can identify with!

Do you feel unworthy of anything? What do you do about it? Do you think your eating habits make a difference in that feeling?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I NEED a sunrise buffet!!

For a while now I have wanted to eat out of control. So far I’ve managed to contain it somewhat. I'm not gonna lie and say I’ve been great. I just try and stay away from places where I will go crazy or make impulsive buys. Even at home its hard but I figure if I eat a bowl of multigrain cheerios in the middle of the night when I can't take the yearning, it’s better than driving to Wendy’s or McDonalds. I've been eatting way to much lately but I at least still try to keep it healthier. Does it make a difference? I don't know but i try.  

I’ve been having food dreams. Dreams where I just eat things, Like a carton of ice cream. Crazy thing is I’m lactose intolerant I can handle dairy in small amounts but too much ice cream causes me diarrhea and cramps and gas and just an all around horrible feeling but you know what, I don't care. I feel like I can deal with all that just for the taste and comfort.

I'm numb right now. Last night about a quarter till 2 my daughter woke me up, she and her father had been fighting and she said she was leaving. The fight had been about her being late and disrespectful. It's true, she seems to stay out as long as she wants, even though her curfew is 1 in the morning. Then when she comes in she has an attitude with us like were wrong for saying anything, not only that but she has a cell phone which I pay for and have told her on numerous occasions all I ask is that you call us when you’re going to be late.

She never does, we have to call her, or text her and THEN she will say I’m coming or whatever she happens to come up with, Most times i believe they are lies, so apparently he told her she could leave or something to that extent. What could I say, He was right, she is disrespectful, I said a few things and went back to sleep, I figured they would work it out. I woke up about 4 and go to the bathroom. She is not here. I asked him did she leave. He said yes, He's tired of her shit, He is such an angry person and i believe so is she for some reason but i feel helpless in the wake of it. She's only 17 but what do i do? What can i do?

What do I do? I'm hurting but I have to hold it in. I’ve come too far on this journey to give up now, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I want to eat but the feeling feels like I want to punish myself for some reason. I want to eat ice cream and just not care anymore. I have to hold it in and go through my day as a robot. How will I do this? I feel so lost and afraid, like a person in a dark room turning in circles. The only reason I’m not eating right now is inside everything has slowed down to a crawl, Right now I fear food, I'm afraid if I eat, I will never stop.

I feel like my days are always dark. Will I ever be able to feel and enjoy the sun on my face? Will i ever be able to stand at the edge of the ocean and feel at peace? Will this dark place that I have been in for 40 years ever leave me? Will I ever be able to be happy? Was I a horrible person in a past life that deserved this life and if so why do I fight it? So many questions. No answers.

Update. I looked at my cell phone, she left a text saying i'm still in the house just out of sight. Don't worry. I responded ty. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to run away from my life and when i realize that's not possible. I want to eat. I NEED to eat. I will try not to.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Part 1.. personal purge

Ok I’ve been avoiding this like the plague and I’ve run out of time. We all know about how on Thursday I had a mini meltdown at the grocery store and then couldn't even get up and go to school on Friday as I woke up with a massive migraine. That migraine lasted 2 days!! Anyways, I have a standing Friday appt with my therapist. I wasn't going to go. I just wanted to be alone. I felt so out of control and sad. I went to Sam’s club and I decided to get a pretzel, one of those big soft ones and while in line I found myself ordering both the pizza and pretzel. In sams club the slice of pizza is really the size of 2. I decided to go see Jen. I figured what could it hurt. We talked for an hour about my melt down on Thursday and my migraine etc, and she asked me to take her through my week. It seems to me I go through so much on a daily basis I rarely think about the days that have passed. I myself was astounded when I recounted my week. My assignment from her was to write about my week in a journal. She seemed to feel I was disassociated from my feelings. I thought that was bull but as I sit here on Sunday night, I realize I have been avoiding doing this. It’s been turning in my head like a hamster wheel and I’ve been obsessing about food but now I will do it.

My week started on Sat. July 31st. It was my family reunion. My mom came in from D.C., and her sis from California. Usually I shun those things but this year I made an effort. I ate ok; everyone was supportive and barely recognized me. I didn't really introduce myself and my mom didn't do any for me so I felt a bit intimidated and lonely but it's been worse. I ventured out behind my camera. I took lots of pictures of people I didn’t even know and decided to use facebook for what’s worth!

Qwaya wasn't there because she didn't get home from camp until too late to come. We got home late and went straight to bed. Around 2 in the morning my cell rings, it's not a number I recognize so I ignore it. Well it rang again so I decided to answer just answer it. Well it was my daughter, who should have been home and in the bed. She's in near tears and saying she walked a "friend" halfway home and this "friend" gave her directions to get back, she got lost and her cell phone was dead and so she knocked on someone’s door and asked to use their phone. Yes you heard me correctly; my daughter was walking around a not so good neighborhood, lost at 2 in the morning with a dead cell phone, knocking on people’s door to use the phone. I was SO angry I can't even put it into words. I made her dad go and get her.

The next morning my mom calls, they want to go to the new casino that across town from me. I said I can meet you there but for some reason they kept insisting that they had to come to my house. So I go down and ask Von to straighten up the living room. His nana and Aunt Debra were coming over. He was really excited about this because he didn't get any time to spend with them at the reunion and since they live so far he doesn’t see them often. I went up to get dressed and came down. He did a FANTASTIC job, I mean for him anyway. I could tell he was excited and that he had tried his hardest. My mom calls me and says. We’re outside, come out, you’re driving. So I say, well Von cleaned up for you guys and was hoping to spend time with you two, can't you come in? I go outside and they have my cousin Lynn with them, my aunt and Lynn didn’t even speak, they said something about being hungry and walked off down the street. I'm like mom where are they going; she's like to Wendy's. So I say well geez at least take Von so he can spend some time with you guys, meanwhile they just keep walking!! I call Von, tell him throw on his shoes as fast as he can so he can walk down with them, then I tell my mom I’m going to lock up and be out and I say I wanted to drive the rental car, I didn’t have much gas or money and my ac isn’t working all that well, so they say, we don’t feel like walking back up, we'll send von back with the keys and just bring him something back. I said no, forget it, I’ll drive my car, by this time I was really getting upset.

So I drive down to Wendy’s to meet them, I had called qwaya, whom I never got to talk to since the previous night and had her meet us at Wendy’s, She and her friend show up. When I got there, qwaya and Gail and von were at a table while my mom, aunt and cousin were in line. I said something to qwayas friend and from her reaction I ascertain qwaya was either lying or not telling the full truth about last night. I decide to deal with it later and then after they get the food, instead of sitting down to spend time; they walk out to the car ready to go! Still never speaking to Von really, they asked qwaya to walk him home, I made sure he had keys and left to drive them to the casino. I was really ticked and hurt. So we get to the casino and they were supposed to meet 2 more of my cousins there, but had no plan as to where, so we go into the casino and start looking, then all of a sudden, my aunt and Lynn just walk off. I got the other cousins on the phone, they were by the door so I tell my mom where they are and she says you go get them, I need to find an atm machine. So I go all the way back to the front of the casino to retrieve them and lead them to my mom. My aunt and Lynn are still M.I.A. at this point.

So I get back to my mom and she decides she doesn't want to use the atm @ the casino because it costs too much, so I got in my car and drove around looking for an atm to get her some money out. I drive around the parking lot for 15 minutes looking for parking and took her the money. I went to the bathroom and went back up to the car. Soon as I get to the car, I get a call, we're ready to go. After all that!! So I drive them back home, and they get in the rental and leave!! All accept my mom who was leaving in a few hours and so I had to take her to the bus stop. I haven't heard from her since, I'm a tad hurt but not surprised as she never calls me unless she wants something. Ok so that was My Sunday.

On Monday, I go to school, not in the best of spirits, but I promised Von 10 dollars for cleaning the living room. He didn’t ask, but I felt it important to acknowledge the good job he did and reward him and he wanted to go to the exchange and trade in some old games and buy a new video game, So we all go, His dad is off, It took a while to get him to buy it because he was concerned and wanted his dad to get something too. I had to make him just get something for himself, then I went to the gym. When I got home, les was gone and I was ticked again. He does NOTHING with my son; He goes to his friend’s house whenever he gets a free moment and most nights doesn't come in until 3 in the morning. He never took my son to basketball games, or even out to play ball, or well just nothing. Nothing means nothing and I can't take it anymore. I decided I have to be daddy too. My son doesn't qualify for a lot of programs that would place a man in his life because his dad lives in the house. I feel so bad for him and it hurts my heart so bad to see my son alone without friends except in school, spending most of his off time home alone playing video games. I'm afraid for him, He is only 12 now but what kind of man will he be at this rate? So on top of everything else, I’ve added making sure I do things with Von as many times a week as I can.

Ok so that was Monday, it's getting late so I will continue this tomorrow. This is so painful for me but I’m beginning to see I have so much to hold in that I’m dealing with. All of this was Sunday and Monday and I still had to get through school and a workout.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Driving to the edge and peeking over....

I woke up this A.M. feeling like this is it. I'm ready to go over! I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and bury myself forever. I woke with a monster headache, I called out and here it is 12 in the afternoon and I still haven't moved. No food, No water, no cookies. I'm sick of food, sick of eating. I am Thelma and I got a grocery bag full of Louise with me and we were headed for the cliff!!  What brought me here you ask? Or perhaps your saying, she's always ready for the cliff. lol Thats true but todays cliffhanger started last night.

Last night I went into the grocery store and just stood in front of the bakery. It happens to be the first thing in my grocery store. Not the produce section like most stores, No you have to go through all the freshly baked goods and inviting coffee bar with all the nice round tables to sit and have your fresh baked goodies before you get down to the dirty business of shopping.

Normally I just zip right past without a thought and I was in a hurry too. I had to grab some Pitas! For some weird reason though I stopped. I looked at peanut butter cookies and imagined buying them, only eating 2 and giving the rest to the kids. OOO or how about cup cakes!! I can buy them, eat 1 and give the rest to the kids!! OO cheesecake!! Wait, I don't like cheesecake, but then again, it looks like it might taste good. Maybe THIS will be the cheesecake I like!

I looked at my watch and realized I had spent 20 minutes doing this!! Finally I reluctantly just wandered off. I came to the fruit section and I wasn't interested. I’m sick of fruit. Sigh. I probably wandered around that store for an hour more just looking at food and thinking food thoughts. Visions of bieng the type of person who didn't have to do this daily. Visions of REAL ice cream and REAL cheese and REAL mayonaise dancing through my head like sugarplums, (what the hell is a sugarplum?) all the while, my poor son waited in the car probably wondering if I was having the Pitas created from scratch!

In the end, I brought only the Pitas and some organic kidney beans and left. Was that a victory? I'm not so sure, I felt down and discouraged and tired and beaten and confused.

Is food the enemy? Everyone says no but we treat it like it is. If I had 2 of those peanut butter cookies would that have been a failure? Why? Aren't we always touting the old adage that it's about healthy eating, exercise and moderation? That you can eat anything as long as the greater amount is healthy? As long as it's not an "everyday thing" So much confusion, so many contradictions. I dunno, I just know it had been enough to send me over the proverbial edge today.

Okay enough of that. I’ve had time to read some encouraging blogs and send out a few emails and right now I am concluding that this meltdown has been a long time coming. I just need a DAY OFF!! A day where I could let go of the crap, be selfish and leisurely and allow my body and mind to rest. So I’m going to get my butt up right this minute and go eat, then I’m going to get dressed and go do something, anything that is just relaxing, mindless and enjoyable!! I'm going to take the rest of the day and just let my feet dangle over the edge a bit and enjoy the breeze.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Monsters in disguise....+

These last couple days have been interesting for me. Full of ups and downs, ins and outs, good times and bad times. Today ironically whats been on my heart is the issue of losing weight itself. Generally when you say your trying to lose weight. It seems everyone has the answer. They all know what it is that YOU need to do. It doesn't matter if they are overweight or not. Ironically it's usually the "newly healthy and fit" or the ones that feel they are on a "roll" with the losing, that are the worst culprits. Convinced they know the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the way to your salvation all because they have the crossed their finish line.

Most times i ignore it, sometimes it ticks me off. Basically the rules are the same for everyone. I know i whine and bitch and moan and cry. I feel i have a right too, I have a lot going on. However i also always put it out there, I know I'm NOT eating enough most days, I know i exercise to much, I know i stress too much. I know i should eat more vegetables. So I'm not saying I'm perfect or have some magic pill either. I also don't preach to others about what they need to do. I am not a doctor, all i can do is give suggestions as to what has worked for me in the past. Who the hell would i be to judge you? Where would i get off telling you what to do? I don't walk in your shoes, I don't know your circumstances, I don't know why you are the way you are and whats going to make it right. All i do know is weight loss is a PERSONAL journey. It is a journey that is about MORE than just food. Only eat 1000 calories, don't eat to much of this, cut out that. Yes all of that will work for a while, but trust me my friend, the wall will come up fast and hard. Shit when i was 385 lbs. i could lose weight just by altering my breathing i was so sedentary. So yes the gimmicks do work, but they are just that. Gimmicks, They are not a life long plan and you can't do it on Antone's schedule but your own, What worked for someone else may not always work for you, and that's OK.

What really gets me is why do these people who want to "help" you so much, get so angry and quick to wash their hands of you when you don't want to take their advice, their help or in some cases their orders? Isn't the job of a person who truly cares for you and about you to just be there and be supportive? Does it even occur to them that maybe there are issues or reasons that their plan may not work for you? Do they even care?

All i know is I'm learning so much on this journey, about people, their motives, their feelings about me and about themselves. This weight loss journey is a very hard road to travel and often lonely. Even on here, i see people come and go, say some very mean things and very nice things. Sometimes it appears what was hiding beneath the fat was a monster in disguise.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Pity party for 1...

I'm feeling kind of down and depressed this morning. I'm going to fight through it and get through my day though. I'm still going to be on time for school and i'm still going to work out. I'm just hoping that maybe talking about my feelings a little this A.M. will help.

I guess this feeling started yesterday, I knew i would run out of food and money by today but i've just been pushing it aside. Now that the event is here, I have no choice but to acknowledge it. I don't even have any food for lunch today and with 3 dollars in my account, there won't even be any subway. I'm just praying when i go out to my car i don't need gas. Of course this saga keeps turning me back to my weight. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I put on a pair of pants that had goten so big that when i put them on i could do so without unzipping and they would fall straight to the floor. Well they stayed up.

Thats not the only thing depressing me. How about i have a bug problem thats so severe i set off 13 bug bombs in my little 3 bedroom apartment thats largely on 1 floor except the attic bedroom and they are still everywhere. My landlord refuses to get an exterminator and only keeps bringing over sprays or gels and i have no money to go anywhere else. It's so bad i see them walking around as if they own the house. On the walls, the sink, on the toilet paper roll, On my dishes and the things i use to prepare my foods. I don't even bother trying to kill them because where do you begin? Its like stepping on one ant on an ant hill. I shake and check everything when i leave and my greatest fear is every day i'll miss one and it will crawl out of my bag at school. I already had them move to my car. How do i live like that? I don't know, I guess i try not to acknowledge it. To acknowledge it woould be madness and dispair on a level i'm ill prepared to handle.

I feel like i'm living a lie. I pretend i'm happy and it always works, sometimes for a long while, sometimes for a short while. usually what happens is that one thing gets through a chink in your armor and allows in a flood of whats wrong. Everyone always has the answer, I'm sure some of you in your mind have the answer too. Well just move, Is your house clean? Just do this and that. The reality isn't often so easy. There are not many who would ever choose to live my life just as most of you wouldn't choose to be obese. How many times have you heard, just stop eatting. just start exercising. It's not that simple is it. There are no easy and fast answers. I understand that and am realistic about it. Does it mean i have to like it or always accept it? No.

well it's time for me to whipe my tears, suck back the tide of misery as best i can, and get started on my day. ironically i have time to blog this morning because theres no lunch to prepare. I will get through this day because there is no going back. As awful as now is, I know it would be worse to give in and just hide my head under the covers. So i shoulder my burden and drag my feet one step at a time.

peace and blessing be with you all.

Patrick i don't have time to check your blog right now but if your reading this i'm praying for your wife still and really hope everything went well.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Broccoli.. Natures little scrub brushes, or just scrub brushes in disguise!

It has been a super crazy few days!! I have been trying like mad to update but with my family reunion this weekend and computers down at school its been impossible!! So many things have been going on. I've been encouraged to get to know more of my family so i have embarked on a "facebook" hunt. My mom and auntie really hurt my feelings and treated me badly on Sunday, which had me stressed out and threw my eatting way off for 2 days!! Ive been dealing with husband issues. It's just been really hectic, but through it all, I have been adding my food to my application and ive learned a couple things..

1. If i find myself short on calories for the day, Trying to eat 1000 calories in one healthy meal is not a good idea!! I found that 9 p.m. on Sun. After the stressful day with my mom and aunt, i had only eatten 500 calories, so i ate 2 turkey sandwhiches, a pita pizza and a protien shake and an apple. I was sooo bloated and gassy and just felt yucky overall.

The next day was bad also. I was still so upset, I had to force myself to even drink the 90 calorie protien shake, (it has no carbs). Then by breaktime i still wasnt hungry but i ate 2 doughnuts out of emotion, I was frustrated and wanted to punish, 500 calories alone just for that, and then instead of damage control for the rest of the day, I wanted comfort so i ate 2 turkey burgers and spicy potatoe wedges of all things!! I ended that day with 2333 calories. I did workout though, I did the elliptical for 20 minutes, crossramp on 12 and resistance on 9 and i always make sure i keep my strides at least above 100 per min. I also did some weight training so i'm sure all was not a total loss.

2. Keeping track of my food helps to "see" and realistically assess what im putting in me. I notice where i need to add things and where i can subtract them or shuffle them so that i'm maximizing my food intake. I realized one of the reasons i don't like eatting so much is because it seems when i eat this amount of food on a regular basis, i get constipated and bloated. It hit me all of a sudden that i dont eat ANY vegtables. I avg. about having veggies 2 times a month, some months none. It hit me because a friend this past week referred to broccoli as natures "little scrub brushes". lol Now thats stuck in my head because my rebuttal was thats the problem!! They taste like scrub brushes with feet!! lol

3. This is REALLY hard for me. Ive had bouts of doubt and fear about eatting this much food on a daily basis, I'm afraid to weigh myself because my mind is convinced all this food will make me gain, so for the time bieng, i'm just gonna concentrate on eatting healthily and working out because i know in the long run THAT is whats going to be healthy for me.

4. I need to find a really accurate place to journal all my exercise so i can see the energy i'm expending in relation to the amount of food im putting in.

and finally ive discovered when i get enough sleep at night i feel fabulous the next day!! Problem is with my caseload, it's not always possible to get in the bed at a decent hour every night.

What do you think? Where can a person who HATES vegtables, add them to get all the benifits without the horrid taste and be able to get them in on a daily basis with a busy schedule? Do you eat as many as you should?

well spin class is calling me so i better go.. until later everyone!!