If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...
Friday, August 6, 2010
Driving to the edge and peeking over....
I woke up this A.M. feeling like this is it. I'm ready to go over! I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and bury myself forever. I woke with a monster headache, I called out and here it is 12 in the afternoon and I still haven't moved. No food, No water, no cookies. I'm sick of food, sick of eating. I am Thelma and I got a grocery bag full of Louise with me and we were headed for the cliff!! What brought me here you ask? Or perhaps your saying, she's always ready for the cliff. lol Thats true but todays cliffhanger started last night.
Last night I went into the grocery store and just stood in front of the bakery. It happens to be the first thing in my grocery store. Not the produce section like most stores, No you have to go through all the freshly baked goods and inviting coffee bar with all the nice round tables to sit and have your fresh baked goodies before you get down to the dirty business of shopping.
Normally I just zip right past without a thought and I was in a hurry too. I had to grab some Pitas! For some weird reason though I stopped. I looked at peanut butter cookies and imagined buying them, only eating 2 and giving the rest to the kids. OOO or how about cup cakes!! I can buy them, eat 1 and give the rest to the kids!! OO cheesecake!! Wait, I don't like cheesecake, but then again, it looks like it might taste good. Maybe THIS will be the cheesecake I like!
I looked at my watch and realized I had spent 20 minutes doing this!! Finally I reluctantly just wandered off. I came to the fruit section and I wasn't interested. I’m sick of fruit. Sigh. I probably wandered around that store for an hour more just looking at food and thinking food thoughts. Visions of bieng the type of person who didn't have to do this daily. Visions of REAL ice cream and REAL cheese and REAL mayonaise dancing through my head like sugarplums, (what the hell is a sugarplum?) all the while, my poor son waited in the car probably wondering if I was having the Pitas created from scratch!
In the end, I brought only the Pitas and some organic kidney beans and left. Was that a victory? I'm not so sure, I felt down and discouraged and tired and beaten and confused.
Is food the enemy? Everyone says no but we treat it like it is. If I had 2 of those peanut butter cookies would that have been a failure? Why? Aren't we always touting the old adage that it's about healthy eating, exercise and moderation? That you can eat anything as long as the greater amount is healthy? As long as it's not an "everyday thing" So much confusion, so many contradictions. I dunno, I just know it had been enough to send me over the proverbial edge today.
Okay enough of that. I’ve had time to read some encouraging blogs and send out a few emails and right now I am concluding that this meltdown has been a long time coming. I just need a DAY OFF!! A day where I could let go of the crap, be selfish and leisurely and allow my body and mind to rest. So I’m going to get my butt up right this minute and go eat, then I’m going to get dressed and go do something, anything that is just relaxing, mindless and enjoyable!! I'm going to take the rest of the day and just let my feet dangle over the edge a bit and enjoy the breeze.