Eyes

Eyes
Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I NEED a sunrise buffet!!


For a while now I have wanted to eat out of control. So far I’ve managed to contain it somewhat. I'm not gonna lie and say I’ve been great. I just try and stay away from places where I will go crazy or make impulsive buys. Even at home its hard but I figure if I eat a bowl of multigrain cheerios in the middle of the night when I can't take the yearning, it’s better than driving to Wendy’s or McDonalds. I've been eatting way to much lately but I at least still try to keep it healthier. Does it make a difference? I don't know but i try.  

I’ve been having food dreams. Dreams where I just eat things, Like a carton of ice cream. Crazy thing is I’m lactose intolerant I can handle dairy in small amounts but too much ice cream causes me diarrhea and cramps and gas and just an all around horrible feeling but you know what, I don't care. I feel like I can deal with all that just for the taste and comfort.

I'm numb right now. Last night about a quarter till 2 my daughter woke me up, she and her father had been fighting and she said she was leaving. The fight had been about her being late and disrespectful. It's true, she seems to stay out as long as she wants, even though her curfew is 1 in the morning. Then when she comes in she has an attitude with us like were wrong for saying anything, not only that but she has a cell phone which I pay for and have told her on numerous occasions all I ask is that you call us when you’re going to be late.

She never does, we have to call her, or text her and THEN she will say I’m coming or whatever she happens to come up with, Most times i believe they are lies, so apparently he told her she could leave or something to that extent. What could I say, He was right, she is disrespectful, I said a few things and went back to sleep, I figured they would work it out. I woke up about 4 and go to the bathroom. She is not here. I asked him did she leave. He said yes, He's tired of her shit, He is such an angry person and i believe so is she for some reason but i feel helpless in the wake of it. She's only 17 but what do i do? What can i do?

What do I do? I'm hurting but I have to hold it in. I’ve come too far on this journey to give up now, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I want to eat but the feeling feels like I want to punish myself for some reason. I want to eat ice cream and just not care anymore. I have to hold it in and go through my day as a robot. How will I do this? I feel so lost and afraid, like a person in a dark room turning in circles. The only reason I’m not eating right now is inside everything has slowed down to a crawl, Right now I fear food, I'm afraid if I eat, I will never stop.

I feel like my days are always dark. Will I ever be able to feel and enjoy the sun on my face? Will i ever be able to stand at the edge of the ocean and feel at peace? Will this dark place that I have been in for 40 years ever leave me? Will I ever be able to be happy? Was I a horrible person in a past life that deserved this life and if so why do I fight it? So many questions. No answers.

Update. I looked at my cell phone, she left a text saying i'm still in the house just out of sight. Don't worry. I responded ty. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to run away from my life and when i realize that's not possible. I want to eat. I NEED to eat. I will try not to.

4 comments:

  1. I'm very sorry to hear about all this. I know teenagers at that age can be a tremendous pain in the butt and often we don't really know what to do. I tend to be really hard on my daughter when she doesn't act out. I have sacrificed a lot in my life to make sure she had whatever she wanted, and I react very poorly to disrespect from her. Maybe there is something else you enjoy doing that will help distract you from wanting to eat, but I know sometimes that's the ONE thing that helps. :(

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  2. I, too, am saddened to read about what is happening in your life. Raising kids is hard work and can be very frustrating. Just know that this too will pass. What are things you enjoy doing together with your daughter?? Maybe a concert, a movie, something that you can build a neutral history together would be worth a try to keep the communication flowing.

    YOU are worth your efforts. YOU can say "no" to that ice cream and eating. Have you heard of Geneen Roth? She has many excellent books on trying to understand what sets us off in eating. She also has a website with loads of info.

    Many of us are cheering for you!
    Michele

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  3. Ty guys so much caring enough to offer me comfort. No I have never heard of Geneen Roth but I will look her up. I know I'm WORTH my efforts, the problem is, often with everything else i'm just to TIRED to make the effort. I find I crave the comfort. That's not say I always give in to it. However i do acknowledge it's there.

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  4. Relieved by the update. She hid well!

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