Looking at the world through my eyes..
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Part 1.. personal purge

Ok I’ve been avoiding this like the plague and I’ve run out of time. We all know about how on Thursday I had a mini meltdown at the grocery store and then couldn't even get up and go to school on Friday as I woke up with a massive migraine. That migraine lasted 2 days!! Anyways, I have a standing Friday appt with my therapist. I wasn't going to go. I just wanted to be alone. I felt so out of control and sad. I went to Sam’s club and I decided to get a pretzel, one of those big soft ones and while in line I found myself ordering both the pizza and pretzel. In sams club the slice of pizza is really the size of 2. I decided to go see Jen. I figured what could it hurt. We talked for an hour about my melt down on Thursday and my migraine etc, and she asked me to take her through my week. It seems to me I go through so much on a daily basis I rarely think about the days that have passed. I myself was astounded when I recounted my week. My assignment from her was to write about my week in a journal. She seemed to feel I was disassociated from my feelings. I thought that was bull but as I sit here on Sunday night, I realize I have been avoiding doing this. It’s been turning in my head like a hamster wheel and I’ve been obsessing about food but now I will do it.

My week started on Sat. July 31st. It was my family reunion. My mom came in from D.C., and her sis from California. Usually I shun those things but this year I made an effort. I ate ok; everyone was supportive and barely recognized me. I didn't really introduce myself and my mom didn't do any for me so I felt a bit intimidated and lonely but it's been worse. I ventured out behind my camera. I took lots of pictures of people I didn’t even know and decided to use facebook for what’s worth!

Qwaya wasn't there because she didn't get home from camp until too late to come. We got home late and went straight to bed. Around 2 in the morning my cell rings, it's not a number I recognize so I ignore it. Well it rang again so I decided to answer just answer it. Well it was my daughter, who should have been home and in the bed. She's in near tears and saying she walked a "friend" halfway home and this "friend" gave her directions to get back, she got lost and her cell phone was dead and so she knocked on someone’s door and asked to use their phone. Yes you heard me correctly; my daughter was walking around a not so good neighborhood, lost at 2 in the morning with a dead cell phone, knocking on people’s door to use the phone. I was SO angry I can't even put it into words. I made her dad go and get her.

The next morning my mom calls, they want to go to the new casino that across town from me. I said I can meet you there but for some reason they kept insisting that they had to come to my house. So I go down and ask Von to straighten up the living room. His nana and Aunt Debra were coming over. He was really excited about this because he didn't get any time to spend with them at the reunion and since they live so far he doesn’t see them often. I went up to get dressed and came down. He did a FANTASTIC job, I mean for him anyway. I could tell he was excited and that he had tried his hardest. My mom calls me and says. We’re outside, come out, you’re driving. So I say, well Von cleaned up for you guys and was hoping to spend time with you two, can't you come in? I go outside and they have my cousin Lynn with them, my aunt and Lynn didn’t even speak, they said something about being hungry and walked off down the street. I'm like mom where are they going; she's like to Wendy's. So I say well geez at least take Von so he can spend some time with you guys, meanwhile they just keep walking!! I call Von, tell him throw on his shoes as fast as he can so he can walk down with them, then I tell my mom I’m going to lock up and be out and I say I wanted to drive the rental car, I didn’t have much gas or money and my ac isn’t working all that well, so they say, we don’t feel like walking back up, we'll send von back with the keys and just bring him something back. I said no, forget it, I’ll drive my car, by this time I was really getting upset.

So I drive down to Wendy’s to meet them, I had called qwaya, whom I never got to talk to since the previous night and had her meet us at Wendy’s, She and her friend show up. When I got there, qwaya and Gail and von were at a table while my mom, aunt and cousin were in line. I said something to qwayas friend and from her reaction I ascertain qwaya was either lying or not telling the full truth about last night. I decide to deal with it later and then after they get the food, instead of sitting down to spend time; they walk out to the car ready to go! Still never speaking to Von really, they asked qwaya to walk him home, I made sure he had keys and left to drive them to the casino. I was really ticked and hurt. So we get to the casino and they were supposed to meet 2 more of my cousins there, but had no plan as to where, so we go into the casino and start looking, then all of a sudden, my aunt and Lynn just walk off. I got the other cousins on the phone, they were by the door so I tell my mom where they are and she says you go get them, I need to find an atm machine. So I go all the way back to the front of the casino to retrieve them and lead them to my mom. My aunt and Lynn are still M.I.A. at this point.

So I get back to my mom and she decides she doesn't want to use the atm @ the casino because it costs too much, so I got in my car and drove around looking for an atm to get her some money out. I drive around the parking lot for 15 minutes looking for parking and took her the money. I went to the bathroom and went back up to the car. Soon as I get to the car, I get a call, we're ready to go. After all that!! So I drive them back home, and they get in the rental and leave!! All accept my mom who was leaving in a few hours and so I had to take her to the bus stop. I haven't heard from her since, I'm a tad hurt but not surprised as she never calls me unless she wants something. Ok so that was My Sunday.

On Monday, I go to school, not in the best of spirits, but I promised Von 10 dollars for cleaning the living room. He didn’t ask, but I felt it important to acknowledge the good job he did and reward him and he wanted to go to the exchange and trade in some old games and buy a new video game, So we all go, His dad is off, It took a while to get him to buy it because he was concerned and wanted his dad to get something too. I had to make him just get something for himself, then I went to the gym. When I got home, les was gone and I was ticked again. He does NOTHING with my son; He goes to his friend’s house whenever he gets a free moment and most nights doesn't come in until 3 in the morning. He never took my son to basketball games, or even out to play ball, or well just nothing. Nothing means nothing and I can't take it anymore. I decided I have to be daddy too. My son doesn't qualify for a lot of programs that would place a man in his life because his dad lives in the house. I feel so bad for him and it hurts my heart so bad to see my son alone without friends except in school, spending most of his off time home alone playing video games. I'm afraid for him, He is only 12 now but what kind of man will he be at this rate? So on top of everything else, I’ve added making sure I do things with Von as many times a week as I can.

Ok so that was Monday, it's getting late so I will continue this tomorrow. This is so painful for me but I’m beginning to see I have so much to hold in that I’m dealing with. All of this was Sunday and Monday and I still had to get through school and a workout.


  1. Trina your identifying the need to step in and play a braoder role with Von speaks well of you in many ways. Von surely sees it, although he may not say so or recognize it directly today, over time he will and he will be a better person, a better man for your efforts on his behalf. That doesn;t mean it is easy, or that it doesn't tax you; I am sure it does.

    On my blog I have an award for you, you are A Blog With Substance:

  2. Von has a good mom.